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“You seem kind of down. Did something happen?” The words felt like a hot knife slicing through butter. Shigeo wanted to melt around the safety those words offered, but he knew that pointing knives at people was bad. Without realizing, he had stopped drying his soaked hair with the towel the speaker had given him.
“If you ever need to talk, I’m here. Goodnight,” and just like that, Ritsu took the words away almost as quickly as he had said them. Perhaps the younger brother had expected Shigeo to respond as he always had, avoiding the question by bringing up something else, or saying nothing was bothering him. He went to close the door, trying to make it as easy as possible for his older brother to run away.
“Ritsu.” The words were soft, but firm. Almost desperate. Ritsu blinked in surprise, looking back at Shigeo. Before he could say anything, Shigeo began to speak again. “I’m sorry about that time back then.”
The younger brother blinked. What was nii-san talking about? To clarify, Ritsu asked him if he meant the time he had gotten carsick when they were younger and Shigeo had thrown up in the hood of his parka. Shigeo quickly corrected him by saying that he was sorry about that, but that wasn’t what he was talking about.
“I can’t remember what happened,” Shigeo removed the towel from his head, casting his gaze at the floor where he was sitting in a pool of rainwater. “With that incident with my powers.”
The atmosphere immediately changed. Ritsu felt the air become slowly suffocating, as if the room was becoming darker somehow. Shigeo still continued. “What did I… do to you? Back then?”
○●○●○●
Ritsu’s hand tightened on the door handle instinctively. He was scared to respond, but knew that this time was different than when he had asked before. In fact, his asking now, despite Ritsu already making up a lie about Shigeo protecting him, was proof of the fact that he didn’t believe it anymore. That he had no part in Ritsu’s fractured skull, or his bruised ribcage. He was in the hospital for days, but came out smiling, for nii-san. How could Ritsu tell him the truth about that incident? Shigeo might still believe him if he lied again, but could he take that chance?
He swallowed, the aura in the room becoming even more overwhelming. “Nii-san…”
Shigeo didn’t say anything, but he slowly looked up from the floor. Ritsu was counting on him to be a strong older brother. A role model. Someone to look up to. Even though he really shouldn’t. Shigeo was a coward, and couldn’t even control himself or his powers. Or his emotions. He always caused horrible things to happen.
There was a silence, Ritsu’s words leaving a small empty space between himself and his older brother, who sat in a crumpled manner on the floor.
Ritsu would like to repeat the words he’d told him before, and make it easy. But it’s useless to do easy things just because they’re easy. Was he protecting Shigeo by lying, or himself? Wasn’t he just hurting both of them? All Ritsu wanted was for his older brother to trust in him, and feel more comfortable around him. By telling him the truth, would he accomplish that, or distance himself further away from that goal?
Ritsu had taken too long to reply, and Shigeo began to backtrack, thinking he had made him uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Ritsu. Don’t worry about me.”
“No, nii-san. I’ll answer.” Ritsu said, and he looked down the hall towards his parents’ room to make sure that their door was closed. Even they didn’t know the truth, and he wasn’t planning on telling them. They would definitely blame Shigeo.
At his younger brother’s words, Shigeo looked up, a twinge of surprise just barely noticeable in his eyes. Ritsu stepped into the room and shut the door behind him gently, leaning against it. He blinked, looking at the ground, then again at Shigeo’s face. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Shigeo’s face immediately changed, and his eyes grew a bit wider. “…What wasn’t my fault?” His voice was trembling slightly.
Ritsu threw a pained expression at the wall behind his older brother’s head, then forced himself to look his older brother in the eyes. “When you went unconscious, nii-san…” Ritsu slid down to sit at the foot of the door slowly, so he was looking at Shigeo eye-to-eye. The atmosphere continued to make Ritsu feel uneasy. “What came back wasn’t you.”
Shigeo felt a pang in his heart. So he did hurt him. “Ritsu-”
“So it’s not your fault.” Ritsu said again, looking at the ground now. This time, he didn’t look up. “You were just trying to protect me. I know that.”
Shigeo grew urgent. “Ritsu, what wasn’t my fault?”
Ritsu took a deep breath. What he was going to admit to his older brother wasn’t going to be easy. But he had to do it. For both of their sakes.
“At that time, when we got picked on by those high schoolers,” Ritsu started. “I wasn’t kicked aside and hurt by them.”
Shigeo held his breath.
“When the taller guy knocked you back, away from me, you hit your head on the fence, and went unconscious. I thought I was in really big trouble, you know?” Ritsu managed a small chuckle, but it didn’t make it any easier. His rouse was falling apart. “As that guy stood over you, there was something… I’d never seen before. There, rising from your body. Black. And I felt…” Ritsu took a breath, trying to force himself to look his older brother in the eyes, but he just couldn’t. It was too hard. “Afraid.”
Shigeo not talking was making this even harder. Ritsu couldn’t look up, because he didn’t know which would be worse, his older brother being mad at him that he lied, or that same emotionless expression, staring back at him.
Ritsu pressed on. He couldn’t stop here. Nii-san needed to know the truth. “It consumed your body. It wasn’t you. The big guys… they were scared, too. They didn’t know who you were… or what you were.” Ritsu took another breath, and repeated himself. “It wasn’t you.” He didn’t know if he was trying to convince himself or his brother.
He heard a shaky breath, and Ritsu opened his eyes, not noticing he’d closed them. He looked up, and saw his brother’s face. Shigeo’s eyes were shining with wetness, although he wasn’t crying. His mouth was open, and he had a look of total concentration about him.
Realizing that Ritsu had stopped because of him, Shigeo blinked away the tears threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry,” He said immediately, reaching for the towel that Ritsu had handed him. “Please continue.”
Ritsu didn’t know what to say to comfort his brother. Could anything? He looked away to give his brother a moment to collect himself in privacy. It was even harder to continue explaining such a difficult scenario knowing he’d hurt his brother by doing so. But nii-san had asked him to.
“Everything started floating. Everyone. We floated so high, and then everything… came crashing down.” Ritsu remembered, although he tried hard to forget. The only reason he survived the fall was because he had landed on one of the high-schooler’s bodies. Everyone was dead. Ritsu’s breathing became shallow as he swallowed. “It hurt. When I looked up, you were you again. I thought that maybe it was a dream.” Ritsu stopped when he heard a quiet sob.
Ritsu snapped his head up. “Nii-san,” he said reflexively, then saw that his older brother had slipped the towel around his hand, which was clasped over his mouth and nose. His hair was covering his eyes, head bent down. He was crying.
I did this, Ritsu realized, hands turning to fists at his sides where he sat. Nii-san didn’t need to know this. I should’ve kept lying. Of course he would think it was his fault.
Shigeo’s hand tightened around his mouth. He wanted desperately to hear the end of this story, but knew he couldn’t handle it. He was so weak. He had failed to change even that part of him. The very same thing that Ritsu was describing had just happened, not three hours prior. Even his past was following him. Would he ever be able to change who he was? He was just like a child, talking like he knew his limits, but he didn’t even know if he could protect his own family. He was just a small, weak little idiot.
“Nii-san,” Those words reached him, and Shigeo blinked, realizing that he was, in fact, doing the very thing that he didn’t want to do from the start of this conversation. He quickly wiped his face, but couldn’t bring himself to look his little brother in the eyes.
Time seemed to slow. Ritsu heard the television quietly talk to itself in the living room, muffled down the hall.
Shigeo felt a vortex of emotions swirling inside of him: an unwelcome but distinct feeling. It was as he had suspected all along. Teruki was right, after all. People don’t change that easily. He felt the tears begin to build up, hot and stinging behind his eyes again. He was losing himself. A panic attack? Anxiety? After everything that had happened today, he was worrying about something that had happened over ten years ago. Because it had happened to his little brother.
Shigeo clutched at the towel in his hand as his vision blurred, finding it hard to regulate his breathing. Usually this was so easy. Faking it. By telling himself everything was fine, he was able to overcome minor attacks like this with ease. But this was different. He had hurt his brother. And killed several others. How had he not realized the truth? Of course it wasn’t a “freak accident”, as the doctors had said. It was his fault. His. Not anyone else’s.
Why did this keep happening? Shigeo was a good kid. He tried hard. He was earnest and tried to fit in, but nothing ever worked out. Why? His throat began to close up. Will this keep happening? Why? Something bad will happen every time. I shouldn’t even try anymore. I’ve been trying all this time. Something bad will happen. Why? Something bad is coming. Something bad is going to happen it’s going to it’s happening why does something bad come it's coming every it’s time-
A rhythmic feeling brought him back to reality, and Shigeo opened his eyes. Why was he so warm? A smooth, circular motion was being rubbed into his back. It felt comforting, and it was something he could focus on, rather than the thoughts in his mind. Shigeo breathed deeply, still staring down at the floor, hands twisted around in the towel at his knees.
Once he had his faculties around him and he remembered where he was, Shigeo blinked, and looked up slowly. The rubbing stopped. He didn’t like the absence of warmth. He started to say “please don’t stop”, but his face must’ve been enough, because the rubbing continued right after he opened his mouth to form the words.
“Ritsu?” He stuttered out, turning to look in the face of his younger brother.
Shigeo’s younger sibling blinked at him, a look filled with something Shigeo couldn’t understand. Somehow, he didn’t feel pitied as he gazed into his brother’s eyes, as he often did while looking into the eyes of his mother or father.
“Nii-san,” Ritsu said in a serious tone. “I know I don’t have powers like you. But I want to understand you. I want to help you.” He continued rubbing his brother’s back, the friction causing the damp material of his school jacket to dry a little quicker. I won’t tell him I’ve been carrying around spoons to try and bend, of course, He thought to himself. “Please don’t feel like you need to shut yourself off. I will be here.”
Shigeo blinked at Ritsu as his lower lip started to tremble against his will. Ritsu has always been there for me. He thought. “Thank you,” the strangled vocal cords managed, trying to keep his warbling voice from spilling over. “Thank you.” He repeated, in a quieted whisper. He tentatively leaned his head against Ritsu’s shoulder, feeling guilty that his shirt would be wet with the rainwater from his hair when he pulled away. If he pulled away.
“I know that it’s asking a lot of you to come to me with your problems. I know I’m just your little brother, and I don’t really know what you’re going through-”
“Ritsu.” The younger brother was interrupted, and he blinked, peering to see over the top of Shigeo’s head, which was resting just below his chin. There was silence as Shigeo formulated his words carefully in his thoughts. “Thank you.”
There was more silence, but somehow, the atmosphere of the room gradually lifted itself from the eerie mood it had put itself in. Ritsu felt his face grow hot, and he started to chuckle. The sudden movements of his chest as he tried to suppress his laughter made Shigeo move his head, and look up at his little brother. “Nii-san, you don’t need to repeat yourself that many times.” He said, ending with a small giggle. Shigeo blushed, looking away.
“I understand, nii-san.” Ritsu added, as Shigeo turned away. The older brother stopped in his motion to pick up the towel, which had fallen to his knees. “You’re welcome. Please don’t hide anything from me anymore. I want to try my best to make sure you’re okay.” Because you’re my very important person. I love you.
Shigeo nodded. I love you.
The atmosphere was jovial now, and the television down the hall was chattering about some fantastic new hair dryer. The two brother smiled. “I’ll head to bed now. It’s been a very long day.” Shigeo said, as he finally stood up, towel in hand. There was a puddle where he had sat on the floor.
Ritsu followed suit, smiling as he realized that his older brother was a little taller than he last remembered. ”I’ll clean up here. You go ahead. You’ll catch a cold.”
Shigeo nodded in acknowledgement, still in a daze from their conversation, heading for the door. Ritsu watched his retreating figure, then walked to the kitchen to retrieve the mop.
He thought quietly to himself that maybe he would like to eventually become more in Shigeo’s eyes than his little brother; something along the lines of a friend.