Work Text:
“So!” Connie exclaimed, slamming her hands down on the coffee table, immediately startling the green Gem. “A few days ago I remembered that whole rant you gave me about Percy and Pierre from that show you watch—” She paused, pursing her lips. “Which, admittedly, I spaced out like halfway through, but still— Anyways, Steven and I were talking the other day, and I thought of something I think you’ll really like.”
Peridot returned a confused look. “…And what could that be?”
“It’s called AO3,” Connie said, holding up her pointer finger— a gesture she often used when explaining things, and one she probably picked up from Pearl. “Here, I’ll show you. Can I see your tablet for a sec?”
Peridot’s eyes widened. Hearing the girl’s words, her grip on the device tightened instinctively, and her legs curled up to her chest in a protective manner. Connie cocked her head slightly, brow furrowed with concern.
Steven, standing beside her, quickly piped in. “She, uh… Doesn’t really like handing it over to other people,” he chuckled nervously.
“Ohhh.” Connie’s face softened with understanding. “That’s okay! I can show you on my phone, if you want,” She offered, giving her a gentle smile.
Unsure of how to respond, Peridot glanced over to Steven, who gave her a reassuring nod. There was a moment of silence as Peridot thought it over, before finally coming to a conclusion. Connie had ultimately posed no threat to her or her belongings so far— and seeing Steven’s approval, she decided to follow along.
Uncurling herself from her tiny green ball on the couch, the Gem reluctantly handed over her tablet. She crawled onto the table, making sure to keep careful watch of Connie’s movements as she opened the web browser and located the site.
“What is it?”
“It’s a fanfiction website,” Connie explained. “Basically, people write their own stories about their favorite characters and medias, and they post them here. Look.” The girl typed something in, before turning the screen back towards the Gem, revealing a page titled “Percy/Pierre (Camp Pining Hearts)”. Underneath it laid a variety of links under various titles. “They actually have way more fics than I expected.”
“You mean… Other people wrote all of these?” Peridot asked, her face scrunched up with a mix of confusion and surprise.
“Yeah! It’s pretty common for people to write about pairings they like who didn’t actually get together in the canon story,” Connie said. “But people write other stuff too. Expanding on world-building, diverting canon— or putting the characters into alternate universes, like a cool fantasy or sci-fi setting. Stuff like that.”
“Or super cute stuff!” Steven beamed, “Like your favorite couple meeting at a small town coffee shop every day, slowly falling in love and going to pursue their dreams in the big city…” He sighed, swooning to himself, which made Connie giggle.
“Still on about that Crying Breakfast Friends fic?” She teased.
“It was perfect, Connie!” The boy exclaimed, eyes sparkling. “Pear and Spoon belonged together, and I always knew Spoon would make such a great painter!”
Ignoring the two teens, Peridot continued studying the screen. Her expression quickly softened into that of awe.
“Incredible,” the Gem whispered. Her voice suddenly heightened, hurriedly adding, “Give that back,” before yanking the tablet from Connie’s hands. She didn’t waste a second before starting to scroll down the list.
“You can even write your own fics!” Connie added. “Like, literally anything you want.”
“Anything?”
“Anything!” The girl exclaimed. “As long as you tag it properly, of course.” She thought for a moment, pouting. “I mean, I guess you don’t have to, but it’s just common courtesy.”
“You need an account to write stuff, though,” Steven clarified. “You have to wait a few days to get your account approved— but you can read whatever you want while you wait!”
A manic grin crept onto Peridot’s face, and she let out a mischievous giggle. “I can’t believe it,” she held the tablet high above her head, still giggling to herself. “I always knew I could’ve done a far better job writing the show, of course— but now—” She fell back to lay flat on the table, giddily kicking her feet into the air as she squealed. “The fate of the entire franchise can be bent at my own will! How ironic is that?!”
Connie and Steven both turned to each other, exchanging puzzled (and somewhat concerned) looks. Connie just shrugged, before they both turned back to Peridot.
Steven gave the Gem a sheepish smile. “Uh, sure,” he said, his voice heightening a bit with confusion.
“And-“ Peridot shot upright again, immediately turning to the pair. “Wow, thanks for introducing me to your “Fan-Fiction”, Connie.”
Connie smiled softly. “Ah— No problem!” she stammered, somewhat embarrassed— but she was clearly excited the Gem had shared her interests in some way. “I’m glad you like it.”
Peridot grinned once more, but her face fell to a more thoughtful expression as she glanced down at her tablet again. “However— If you don’t mind, I do have one last question.”
“Hm?” Connie hummed, “What’s that?”
“These “tags” you spoke of,” the Gem explained, gesturing to the collections of links below the fic titles. “What purpose do these serve, exactly?”
The girl’s eyes widened. “Oh! They’re kinda just a way of letting the reader know what’s in the story,” she explained. “Like, for a ship, a tag like “established relationship” means that the story will show the characters already together, while something like “love confessions” means that, well— They’ll be confessing to each other.”
“Yeah! Or like a general theme,” Steven added. “Like, uh… “angst” means the story is gonna be sad, while “fluff” is like…really sweet and cute! Right?” Steven glanced over to Connie, who nodded in affirmation. Peridot hummed thoughtfully. Connie was clearly the expert out of the two, so she decided to question further.
“I see…” Peridot held a hand to her chin as she nodded. “So how about these tags describing… Human body parts…? What do those mean?”
Connie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Huh? What do you mean?”
“These,” the gem clarified, her face twisting into an unreadable expression as she pointed to some extremely explicit tags. She began to read one out, but before she could utter a word, Connie and Steven both yelped. Steven immediately covered his face with his hands, squeezing his eyes shut, while the girl ripped the tablet from Peridot’s hold— frantically clicking through something.
“Ah- ignore that!” she choked, turning beet red. “I forgot to filter those out— I-I’m not allowed to read those!”
“What?” Peridot questioned, her confusion only growing more pronounced as the teens continued to panic. “Why are you two acting like that?“
“I-It’s— adult stuff!” Steven stammered, barely peeking his eyes out between his fingers. His face was flushed, as well. “I can’t— Just— don’t worry about it, okay?”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Peridot contested, “Can’t you at least tell me what it means? What’s wrong with it?”
“I—” The younger girl sputtered, “It’s not like there’s something wrong with it, it’s just— I mean—” She stumbled over her words for a moment, before finally relenting. “L-look, we don’t know either, so just ignore it!”
To Peridot’s frustration, despite her best attempts to get something out of them, the two refused to speak any further. So finally, she gave up. Still flustered, the two teens eventually left the house, leaving the gem alone with her enigma.
So they had no information for her. Well, what now? She couldn’t just ignore it. She needed to understand this to be able to enjoy this “Fan-Fiction” in its full potential! But this was a human thing. Who else would know about human things, if not Steven and Connie?
Suddenly, an invisible light bulb went off in Peridot’s head. Of course! How could she be so foolish? She had her screen right there! She could simply ask the World-Wide Web about such matters! Smiling to herself, she picked up her tablet again, sitting cross-legged down on the couch as she typed in the first unfamiliar word she had found.
However, as soon as she hit the search button, a barrage of horrifying images flashed onto her screen. She yelped, practically jumping three feet into the air and dropping her tablet onto the floor. That sent another pang of fear through her body as she rushed to pick it up, checking for cracks— But luckily, Steven had recently bought her a case for it, which kept it safe from impact. She let out a sigh of relief— But, with the images still fresh in her mind, a shiver went down her spine as she was forced to turn it back on, only to immediately clear every tab from her browser and fully power off the device out of fear.
So, unfortunately, that was not an option.
Peridot let out a muffled scream of frustration, flailing her fists before slamming herself face first into the couch cushions. All of a sudden, she heard the chime of the temple door opening, and a familiar voice grabbed her attention.
“Yo, P-Dot. Someone arguing with you online again, or what?”
“Amethyst?” The green Gem immediately perked up, initially just eager to see her friend— But she was quickly hit with a realization. Amethyst! Amethyst hung out with humans all the time. She knew lots of human stuff! And she was a Gem, so technically, she was an “adult”, right? If anyone could answer these questions, it would have to be her! “Amethyst! Amethyst, Amethyst, Amethyst—!”
Peridot scrambled off the couch, bolting over to the Quartz, who was making her way over to the fridge, watching her with confusion. “Amethyst, I— OOF!”
Amethyst snorted as Peridot fell flat on her face, but she quickly recovered, whipping her head up to face her. “Amethyst! I have an important question for you!”
The fridge door swung open as Amethyst pulled out some mystery tupperware container, her gaze turning to the other Gem as she set it on the counter. “Alright, shoot.”
Peridot raised an eyebrow as she slowly pulled herself up. “Shoot what?”
“Ask me the question, dumbass.”
“Oh.” Peridot stood up, brushing herself off. “Okay, well—“ She hopped up onto the stool across from her friend, watching as Amethyst hoisted herself onto the counter and opened the container, filled with something certainly…pungent. Peridot’s nose scrunched up in disgust, but she did her best to ignore it. “Steven and Connie have just showed me this “Fan-Fiction” website,” she continued.
Amethyst snickered, drizzling a combination of mustard and barbecue sauce over the mysterious substance. “Alright.”
Peridot thought to herself, wondering how to express her query. “And I found these… “Tags,”” she finally said. “That seemed to be describing some odd things involving… Human reproductive organs, I believe? But also other body parts as well…?”
Amethyst stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened as she slowly placed the bottle of mustard back down on the counter. “Oh my god.”
“I know!” Peridot exclaimed. “But when I asked Steven and Connie what they meant, they immediately reacted with this strange panic, and told me it was… “Adult Stuff”,” She air quoted, “I tried looking it up on my tablet, but the images were…” She grimaced, averting her gaze. “Disturbing, to say the least.”
Amethyst was completely silent, a mischievous grin already forming on her face as she awaited Peridot’s question with bated breath.
“Anyways,” Peridot said dismissively, “What I’m trying to say is, you are the only Gem I know who is somewhat well versed in human culture. So, I figured you may be able to explain these things to me.”
“Ohohohoho,” The Quartz chuckled under her breath. “Oh my god.”
“Oh my god,” Amethyst eagerly leaned over until her face was uncomfortably treading into Peridot’s personal space. Her devious grin filled the green Gem with a sinking feeling of dread. “I can’t believe I get to do this.”
“…Do what?” Peridot asked reluctantly.
“Explain this to you,” Amethyst answered, buzzing with excitement. She quickly leaned back, hopping across the counter and seating herself on the stool beside the other Gem. “Okay, so when two humans love each other VERY much…”
Peridot cringed, a look of disgust creeping onto her face. “So it’s some kind of… mating ritual?” She winced.
“Kinda?” Amethyst drawled, shrugging a bit. “But like, only if they want it to be? And obviously you have to have the right parts to even HAVE a baby, so…”
“Wait.” Peridot pressed her lips together. “So was Steven…” She didn’t have any organs, but she swore she felt her stomach twisting as a feeling of horror dawned on her. “Did…Did Rose—?”
Amethyst held a hand out, stopping her in her tracks. “Nope,” she said flatly, popping the “p”.“Don’t think too much about that. Back to the fanfiction thing.”
The green gem took a deep breath, regaining her composure. Right. That wasn’t the point.
…But at the same time, this didn’t explain any of that, either!
“But— But that still doesn’t make any sense!” she argued, throwing her hands up in bewilderment. “That’s so simple. Disgusting, yes, but it makes sense! Humans have to reproduce somehow! But none of those “Tags” mentioned any of those things!”
Amethyst’s lips quirked into a devious grin. Peridot gulped. She didn’t like where this is going.
“See, that’s where the fun part comes in…”
“They WHAT?!”
Amethyst had been giggling the whole time explaining most of this, but now, she couldn’t even attempt to keep her composure. She absolutely cackled, keeling over with snorts and giggles, completely unsympathetic to the younger Gem’s horror.
“Why would— What is—?!”
“Oh my god,” Amethyst wheezed, taking a moment to pull herself together. Finally, she wiped a tear from her eye, sighing as she rested her face in her hand.
“So… how do we feel?” She asked smugly, batting her eyelashes innocently, as if she didn’t know well how Peridot was feeling.
“I— I don’t—“ Peridot sputtered, “I thought these acts were purely for reproduction! What on earth is the point of ANY of that?!”
“For fun.” Her tone was completely unchanged, but Peridot could tell she was still trying not to snicker. “Plus, it feels good.”
Peridot’s eyes widened, horrified. “Are you speaking from experience?!”
“Eh, kinda?” Amethyst shrugged, “When I wanted the validation, sometimes. But I don’t really do that stuff anymore.”
“WITH HUMANS?!” Peridot shrieked.
“WHO ELSE?! I can shapeshift, you dip!”
Peridot looked like she’d just seen a ghost and then watched a person get all of their limbs ripped off in immediate succession. She dragged her hands down her face, sputtering over her words. “But— But you—”
“Easy there, Peri.”
“Why would you—!?”
“Already explained that.”
“But- HOW?!”
Amethyst rolled her eyes. “Already explained that too.”
“I— Then why would they— So they just—!?”
“Yeeeep.”
“And then it just…?!”
“Uh huh.”
“FOR NO REASON?!”
“Basically, yeah,” The Quartz said. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice now, but every time Peridot went silent again, the devious glint in her eyes still shone through. She leaned forward, giving the younger Gem a light pat on the shoulder. “So… How you doin’?”
“I…” Peridot tried to speak, but nothing came out. She had so many questions, and yet at the same time, she didn’t want answers to any of them. She simply stared at the floor, wide eyed and utterly mortified. “I think I need a minute.”
Amethyst smirked again, rubbing her shoulder sympathetically. “There, there,” she said, maybe only half-mockingly. “Take your time.”
She watched as Peridot walked off, turning away as she heard the warp pad activate to finish her abomination of a meal. A few minutes later, the front door opened, and the two teens had finally returned.
Steven glanced around for a moment, looking for the green Gem. “Where did…?” Before he could finish his sentence, his gaze trailed over to Amethyst. “Oh, hey, Amethyst,” he greeted.
“Hi Amethyst,” Connie parroted.
“Yo.”
“Uh…” Steven raised an eyebrow, finally asking, “Did you see where Peridot went?”
Amethyst shrugged, already having shoved most of the container’s contents into her mouth. “Yeah, she just left.”
“Oh,” Steven said flatly. “Weird.”
Steven was in the middle of brushing his teeth, preparing to get in bed when got a video call from Peridot. It’d been hours since she’d left by now.
He shook his head, letting out an affectionate sigh. He was expecting to answer to her rambling all about some fanfiction she’d just read— However, when he answered it, he was surprised to see Lapis with her tablet instead.
“Hey, Steven.”
“Oh! Hi, Lapis!” Steven greeted with a smile, but it quickly faded. “Uh… Where’s Peridot? I haven’t seen her since this afternoon.”
Lapis pressed her lips together. “Actually, that’s what I was calling to ask you about,” she replied. “She’s just been sitting in the field staring at the sky for like, six hours. And obviously she doesn’t even have her tablet. It’s super weird.” She narrowed her eyes, glancing off somewhere, likely in Peridot’s direction. “Did something happen?”
“I don’t think so,” Steven said quietly, although it sounded more like a question. “I didn’t hear anything from her when she left. Amethyst was with her…” He paused, “Actually, hold on.”
The boy opened the bathroom door, peeking out from the hallway where Amethyst was sitting on the couch. “Hey, Amethyst, do you know what’s up with Peridot?” he asked, “Lapis says she’s been acting weird since she got back.”
Amethyst didn’t even look up from the comic she was reading before answering.
“Nope. No idea.”