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The Torchbearer and his Clancy lay down together in their tent after a long day, kicking off their shoes and snuggling into each other. Clancy seemed extra affectionate today, pressing his head into Torch’s chest sweetly.
It wasn’t exactly rare that Clancy was affectionate, he just didn’t favour physical touch as much as Torch did. So whenever he was offering it, Torch was always happy.
“Well aren’t you sweet tonight, Clance.”
“You seemed down today.” He replied simply, shifting somehow closer and pulling Torch into him.
“I’m alright.”
It wasn’t an outright lie. Torch wasn’t upset, he just hadn’t been feeling like himself recently. Things had been busy around the Bandito camp, and he’d hardly had a moment for himself.
He settled into the crook of Clancy’s neck, breathing in the smoky scent. It was something all the Banditos grew accustomed to, as their primary source of light and warmth. Even in the warmer months, they spent evenings by the fire, just talking.
Clancy’s hands settled on his neck and in his hair, one cradling his head close. He began running his fingers through Torch’s curls. It felt wrong.
Well, not wrong exactly. Just not… right. Torch felt his body tense up as Clancy’s fingers trailed through his hair, far too long. He hated how it sat on his shoulders, hated how it made him look like a girl.
Torch thought back to his days in Dema, a lifetime ago. Where he’d grown up as a girl, with nothing he could do about it. Powerless.
He shoved himself away from Clancy before he could think. He rolled over on their small bed, curling into himself.
“Torchlight?” Clancy’s voice was soft, cautious. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” He sighed. “No, not you.”
Fingers traced his spine, delicate touches grounding him. He wasn’t in Dema, he wasn’t powerless. He was safe. Torch took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.
“Talk to me.” Clancy whispered, unbearably soft.
“Just…don’t, Clancy. Don’t.” He snapped, harsher than he’d intended.
The light touches to his back ceased, leaving him somewhat colder.
“I’m sorry. It’s nothing to do with you, love. I shouldn’t be so childish.”
Torch rolled over again, face to face with Clancy’s piercing eyes. The man brushed his hair out of his eyes, and he cursed himself for shifting away again.
“Your hair’s bothering you?” He asked, inquisitive.
“Yeah.” He sighed. When Clancy latched onto something, he’d damn near never let it go until he figured it out.
“It’s too long. Just reminds me… of when I was younger.” He chose his words carefully, feeling Clancy’s eyes on him. “I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to trim it. It’s stupid, anyway, I shouldn’t get so upset about it.”
Clancy leaned in, pressing a kiss to Torch’s forehead.
“You’re allowed to be upset, it’s your hair. Now, get some rest. Let’s see the sunrise tomorrow.”
He was too exhausted to ask why, curling back into Clancy’s side and settling in for the night. There were many things he disliked about himself, but it was easy to let all that go when he felt so loved by Clancy.
||-//
The Torchbearer woke before the sunrise, as he often did. He was not one to oversleep. He looked over at Clancy in the dim light, sound asleep. Torch couldn’t help but smile at him fondly, his hair sticking up against the pillow. His fingers curled back to his own hair, hanging down to his collarbones. He frowned, trying not to think about it too much. He briefly considered letting Clancy sleep in, but he’d seemed so adamant about seeing the sunrise.
Torch leaned in and shook him softly. Clancy jerked awake, eyes darting around the tent before settling on Torch.
“Only me, Clance,” he soothed. It was somewhat comforting to know that he wasn’t the only one who was so affected by his past. “You wanted to be up for the sunrise?”
“Yeah, I’m up.” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes.
“You sure about that?” Torch giggled, Clancy smiling at the sound.
“I am. Come on. We’re going to the lake, grab a towel.”
Clancy stumbled into him, clearly still half asleep, almost knocking them both over. Torch held him gently, chuckling at how hard he was trying to look fully awake.
The pair wandered out of the silent camp, giggling and shushing each other. Clancy, ever clumsy, kept tripping over loose rocks and falling into Torch. It was endlessly endearing to him.
When they reached the lake, the sun had yet to rise.
“Let’s go in the water.” Clancy said with a smile, taking Torch’s hand.
He must have noticed the hesitance in his eyes, as he glanced down at his chest.
“You don’t have to take your shirt off if you don’t want to,” Clancy said earnestly. “I won’t take mine off either. Just come in with me?”
Torch nodded.
“Thank you.” Clancy grinned, pulling a bundle of lavender soap from his bag. “Shall we?”
The pair kicked off their shoes and wandered into the lake. Although the sun was only just peeking over the horizon, the water was not cold. It was quite pleasant, actually. They walked until they stood knee deep in the water, Clancy tugging on Torch’s hand.
They sat down in the shallow water, Clancy positioning himself behind Torch.
“Lean back.” Torch shot him a questioning look. “Trust me, Torchlight.”
And he did. He leaned back into Clancy’s lap, letting the man delicately splash water over his head. Clancy began running his fingers through Torch’s hair, rubbing it with the lavender soap that the Banditos made.
It was so immensely relaxing that Torch barely felt the discomfort of his hair, as Clancy held him so gently. Clancy untangled his curls, rinsing the soap from them with cool water.
After he finished, Torch remained in his lap, looking up at him.
“Thank you, Clancy.” He all but whispered. “For still loving me, even though…”
“I worship every part of you, even the things you don’t like.” Clancy whispered, smiling fondly down at him. “You’re the only one for me.”
They stayed like that for a while, Clancy absentmindedly massaging Torch’s head, as he rested in the cool water. The sun began to rise, slowly peeking out from over the mountains.
They took their time, slowly wandering back to the rocky bank. Clancy pulled a towel around him, warmed by the rising sun. Torch pulled it tight around him, taking in the softness.
“Hey, Torch?” He hummed a response. “It’s light enough now, I can cut your hair for you. If you’d like.”
Torch stared at him blankly. “What?”
“I just thought… You said it was bothering you. I wanted to help.” His voice was impossibly soft, missing its usual sarcastic tone.
“Let me help.”
Torch nodded slowly. “You brought the scissors?”
“And a comb. Of course.”
Clancy moved to sit behind him, taking his curly hair in his hands. Torch moved his fingers, showing how much he wanted to disappear.
His love began to cut away pieces of hair, brushing his fingers through it delicately. Torch didn’t speak, staring at the water as Clancy worked. He didn’t want Clancy to say anything, because he knew he couldn’t quite describe what he was thinking.
It was something between intense gratitude and fear. Clancy had stuck by him, seen everything and still loved him. Yet he was still so afraid that he was somehow not good enough. That he was a complete failure, and would never ever be what Clancy needed. Torch hated being vulnerable, but it was somewhat more bearable with Clancy.
“Torch? Is this alright?”
He brought his hands up to his head, running his fingers through the freshly cut hair. It was short, grazing his neck just the way he liked it.
“Yeah.” He managed. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
Tears filled his eyes as the emotion overcame him. Soon, he was covering his face, trying to hold back tears.
“Hey.” Came a kind whisper. “Hey, it’s okay. You can cry, it doesn’t make you any less of a man, you know?”
“Yeah,” he muttered thickly. “I know.”
Torch let the emotions come, breathing shakily through his tears. Clancy rubbed his back and rested his head on Torch’s trembling shoulder.
“Don’t know what I’m even crying about.” He tried to laugh, to reassure Clancy.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to pretend this isn’t a big deal,” the man whispered sweetly. “I won’t judge you, ever.”
“Thank you.” Torch sniffled. “I just wanna sit like this for a little while.”
So they did. Two boys by the edge of the lake, watching as the sunlight bounced off the water. Two boys who loved each other and would forever.