Chapter Text
Robby sighed deeply as he came to stand next to his motorcycle. He should have left the previous night.
If he’d left the previous night, he wouldn’t have had to work another fifteen hour shift. He wouldn’t have had to dodge Caleb and Jack and everyone else who wanted to talk to him. He wouldn’t have had to meet Al-Hashimi. He wouldn’t have had to deal with meeting Langdon again. And if he’d left last night… He’d already be dead.
He couldn’t pinpoint a specific moment in time when the plan solidified. The suicidal ideation had been bubbling in the background for years and after Pittfest, it had forced itself to the forefront. At some point, it had gone from him not wanting to live, to wanting to die, to actively planning and finally to deciding on how he was going to do it. When he eventually arrived at the plan, he felt strangely at peace. It was going to be over. All of it. The revolting nightmare called life.
Everything was ready. He’d cleaned and organised his condo. He’d thrown away or donated a lot of his belongings. He’d written a will, his savings would go to different charities. A few nights ago, he’d spent several hours trying to write letters. But he had never gotten much further than the recipient’s name. There was nothing left to say anyway.
They were prepared for him to be gone for three months. In three months, they would have forgotten about him. In a week, they would have forgotten about him. Baran would step into the role of Chief and shape the ED into something new. Maybe she was the breath of fresh air the Pitt needed. He was just a dinosaur. A relic. And maybe she would take Jack up on getting that beer. What a couple they’d make.
At the thought of Jack, Robby felt the familiar clench of regret and grief in his chest. They’d had a few glorious months together. But as the plan cemented itself, he realised what he’d had to do. So he’d broken up with Jack. He’d tried to make it hurt, to make Jack hate him. But Jack wasn’t like that. He always managed to find a way around all of Robby’s walls and he saw through all of Robby’s bullshit. He made them talk about it and Robby felt like he had to navigate through a minefield as he tried to break up with Jack without accidentally revealing why. Eventually, Jack managed to make him acquiesce to them remaining friends, for the sake of keeping the harmony at the Pitt. Robby had relented, if only to get Jack off of his back.
Robby swallowed around the unexpected lump in his throat and he started digging around his pocket to pull out the keys to his bike. He needed to leave soon. He’d managed to sneak out while the others had started wrapping up. He’d disappear before any of them had even noticed he had left. He’d drive until he was out of PTMC’s catchment, until he was out of Pittsburgh, until he was somewhere no one knew him. He’d throw away his wallet and phone before he caused himself to have a fatal accident. At first, he’d thought about driving into traffic. But seeing the Yees, how their lives had been absolutely turned upside down… He wasn’t going to do that. He’d drive into a tree or into the road guardrail. No other casualties. Just him.
He’d be a DOA John Doe. His body would be shoved into the morgue of whatever hospital declared him dead. And eventually, he’d be buried in a common grave or cremated, depending on the place he ended up. No one would even miss him until he didn’t show up for his first shift back. By that time, they would have forgotten him. It wasn’t like any of them actually were his friends. He was their boss. No one missed their boss. Sure, he missed Adamson, but that was different. Adamson had been more to Robby than just a boss. But Robby didn’t have that relationship with any of his people. He was simply their boss. No one would care. And that was fine. That was good.
“Michael!”
Robby had been so lost in his thoughts that it felt like he almost jumped out of his skin at the sudden loud voice. He spun around and blinked owlishly as Caleb came out of the ambulance doors.
“Caleb,” Robby greeted, doing his best to keep his voice calm and level. He made a show of looking down at his watch, as if he wasn’t painfully aware that it was already well after ten pm and that he was three hours post shift. “What are you still doing here?”
“You promised you’d come see me before you left,” Caleb pointed out and narrowed his eyes.
“Look, it’s been a crazy day, I just-” Robby was interrupted as the doors to the ambulance bay slid open again. Jack stepped out, followed by Dana. And they were followed by Samira, Mel, Santos, Whitaker, Javadi, Perlah, Princess, Jesse, and then the whole hoard of Robby’s people poured out.
Soon enough, it seemed like all of the Pitt’s personnel stood outside in the night air. Robby looked between them all, the people who’d been with him in the trenches, who’d been by his side for years. They all looked… Sad. Scared. Robby wanted to believe it was because of what they had all just been through. But he barely believed it. His chest suddenly felt tight and his mouth was dry. He swallowed thickly.
“What is this?” He asked as he looked back at Caleb.
“I believe they call this an intervention,” Caleb said with a shrug of his shoulders.
“What for?” Robby’s voice was hoarse. He already knew the answer.
“You’re not planning to go on a sabbatical,” Caleb jerked his head towards Robby’s motorcycle. “If you get on that bike, you’re not coming back.”
Robby felt a few droplets of sweat run down his back and get soaked up with his t-shirt. He felt dizzy and he could practically feel the colour drain from his face.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied. It rolled easily off this tongue. He’d done more lying in the past few weeks than he’d done in most of his life.
“Don’t patronise us,” Caleb’s voice hardened and he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’ve been struggling for months. Since Adamson passed away. You have clear symptoms of PTSD and depression. You’ve been dodging me ever since the MCI last year. You even managed to weasel your way out of the debrief Gloria wanted you all to do after it.”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Robby tried again, but his voice was barely above a whisper. He felt cornered, it felt like he was backed up against a wall. The amount of eyes on him made him feel dizzy and like he couldn’t breathe.
“I know about your breakdown during the MCI,” Caleb continued, as if Robby hadn’t said anything. “I know about your nightmares, your panic attacks, your self-destructive tendencies. I know you rode in this morning without a helmet.”
Robby’s eyes snapped to the crowd that stood just behind Caleb. His eyes bounced between Whitaker and Jack. Like a cornered animal, Robby felt a sudden flare of anger. They’d been talking about him behind his back. They’d told Caleb about things they’d promised would stay between them. Whitaker revealing his breakdown, talking about it, who was he to do that? Was he without fault? Robby hadn’t tattled when he found out Whitaker had been living at the hospital after Santos accidentally let it slip. Robby had protected Whitaker, while Whitaker had ratted him out.
And Jack. Fucking Jack. Jack had revealed to their mutual friends what he’d witnessed in the safety of their respective bedrooms. About the nightmares that would wake both of them up, about the panic attacks Jack had helped him work through. As if Jack was so fucking perfect. Maybe Robby should tell everybody about Jack’s issues, to level the playing field.
“Fuck you,” Robby snarled as his gaze from Jack to Whitaker and back again. Whitaker took a step back, shrinking in on himself. But Jack met his eyes, standing strong in the face of Robby’s anger. “Fuck. You.”
“Robby-” Caleb started, but Robby didn’t stop.
“Who the fuck are you two to talk about me behind my back?” Robby spat, as he felt the heat rise from his chest up to his cheeks. “Like you don’t have your issues, do you want me to just air it to-to everyone? I’ll-”
“Shut up, Robby,” Jack suddenly said sharply, his voice bouncing off the walls. “Shut the fuck up, I’m so tired of this. So tired of you fucking lying to me. To us. How dare you? How fucking dare you get angry at Whitaker? At me? Well, fuck us for caring about you!
“How long have you been planning this, huh? Weeks? Months? Before we got together? Since Pittfest? And what was your plan? You were just going to ride off and disappear? Go home and blow your brains out?”
Jack was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He looked angry, but there were tears in his eyes. Seeing Jack that upset made Robby’s stomach clench and he almost felt like he was going to vomit. But he wasn’t going to back down. He had nothing left to lose.
“What’s it to you?” Robby barked. “Want me to take you back?”
“Oh, stop it,” Jack groaned and shook his head. “Stop doing this stupid lashing out bullshit. You’re hurting, Robby. You need help. I don’t care if you take me back, I don’t care if you hate me, I just want you to be okay! I want you to live. I want you to want to live.”
Robby shook his head. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do this. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He was already supposed to be gone. Ideally, he was already supposed to be dead. Instead, he was screaming at the ex he still loved with a majority of their colleagues watching.
“Fuck this,” Robby said. “I don’t have to take this from any of you. Fuck all of you.”
Robby saw how Jack and Caleb looked at each other.
“Very well,” Caleb cleared his throat as he started making his way over to Robby. “We tried the gentle touch, we tried the crowbar. Time for the battering ram.”
As he came over to Robby, he pulled a few folded papers out of his pocket. Robby felt everyone’s eyes on him as he unfolded it.
It was something he had seen countless times. Something he had signed countless times. It was the form for an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric hold. For him.
Robby could feel his blood pressure suddenly plummet. Dark spots danced in front of his eyes. Suddenly, Jack was by his side, his hand between Robby’s shoulderblades, gently pushing him forward.
“Head between your knees,” he mumbled. “Breathe, Robby.”
Robby put his hands on his knees and bent forward as much as he could, desperately trying to help blood get to his brain to prevent him from passing out. His ears were ringing and he felt sick.
“Alright everybody, show’s over!” Dana called, her voice muffled through the ringing in Robby’s ears. “Dayshift, clock out and go home, night shift, get back to it.”
Jack rubbed his hand up and down Robby’s back as Caleb put his hand on Robby’s shoulder.