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It hurts, seeing him with Uhura—with Nyota. They’re good together. She understands Vulcan culture better than I ever could. The problem is that I understand him better than she ever could. Better than anyone else ever could. I understand him better than I could ever understand myself, let alone anyone else.
So I force a smile and say, “I’m gonna go get a drink. You guys want anything?”
“I didn’t want anything the first time you offered. What makes you think I’d want something now?” Uhura retorts. I hate that she doesn’t mean the words viciously; they’re teasing because we’re friends. I hate that I can’t hate her. I can’t hate her for loving him. Not when he deserves it so deeply. It isn’t her fault he’s straight.
“I didn’t say I was going to pay for it,” I snark right back. “Just that I would go get it for you.”
She laughs. “Then sure. A chocolate martini.”
So they’re going to share. Lovely.
“Nyota,” he objects, “I have no desire to become intoxicated. Particularly if you intend to become intoxicated yourself.”
“Hush,” she replies. “You can take a sip or two and I can drink the rest. That won’t result in you getting drunk.”
“Cocoa affects Vulcans much more strongly than alcohol affects Humans,” he explains, as though that’s something Uhura and I don’t already know. “One sip will have a stronger effect on me than an entire drink will have on you.”
I slip away before I hear any more of the conversation. I don’t need to hear it. I’ve heard it before. His Human half also responds to the alcohol, although to a lesser extent.
“What do you need?” the Risian behind the bar asks.
“One chocolate martini,” I reply. “And a double shot of the strongest alcohol you have.”
He nods and pours me the double shot. I down it while he walks down the bar to mix the martini. When he returns, he presents me with the martini and a second double shot. “That one’s on me,” he says. “You look like you need it.”
“Thanks,” I say, throwing that one down as well. It’s just as harsh as the first one, strong and burning all the way down. I wish it burned more than it does. I’d take that over the pain in my heart.
I make my way back to him and Uhura. “Here,” I say, placing their drink on the table in front of them. “I’m going to go dance.”
I don’t wait for Uhura to find the cash to pay me. If it’s that important to her that I not pay, she’ll use the Enterprise’s computer to transfer the credits to me once we’re back onboard.
It’s a damn good thing I’m attractive. If I weren’t, it’d be a hell of a lot harder to find guys willing to buy me drinks and guys wanting to dance with me. And tonight, I need both.
Particularly when a slower song comes on and I catch sight of Uhura dancing with him. Their bodies are pressed together, his arms around her slender waist, her head against his shoulder.
I turn and grab the first guy I see. He shrugs and puts his arms around me. He isn’t tall enough, but he’s better than sitting in the corner and just watching them. And that’s what I’d be doing if I weren’t dancing with some random stranger.
A gap appears in the bodies between me and them, and I see that their hands have shifted. Her left hand is on his shoulder, and his hand is on hers. His fingers are stroking along hers, and I never thought I’d have to see him kiss her—I never thought he’d kiss her in public, whether or not the majority of the population realizes that’s what's happening.
She’s smiling at him and I know she understands what he’s telling her: Ashau nash-veh tu. I love you.
I look at the man holding me. “You opposed to sleeping with another guy, or do you just dance with them?”
He takes a moment to think about my words and then asks, “‘Sleeping with’ is a Human idiom for ‘fucking,’ correct?”
It hurts how that just makes me think of how he would have phrased that: ‘Sleeping with’ is a Human idiom for ‘having intercourse,’ correct?
“Yeah,” I reply.
“Then no, I am not opposed to such a thing,” the man says.
“Are you opposed to being a replacement man?” Given the night I’m having, I can’t guarantee I won’t say his name in the middle of sex. I’ve offended at least two different people with that. And one of them was a girl.
“A replacement man?”
“I’m in love with someone else,” I explain. “But he’s heterosexual and in love with a woman. I need someone to take my mind off him, but I can’t promise that’ll be entirely successful. Sometimes I forget my partner isn’t him.”
He glances over his shoulder and then says, “I would prefer that. It makes me feel less guilty that you are a replacement man as well.”
I nod. “You have a room at a hotel somewhere?”
“Yes,” he answers.
I spare one last glance at them, where they’re dancing even more closely than before. Even though the music has changed to something more raucous, they’re still slow-dancing and I almost can’t look away.
“The Vulcan?” my partner asks.
“How’d you know?”
“Your Vulcan and his woman are the only two slow-dancing,” he replies. “Other than my dear Harun and his man.”
It doesn’t take long to find the one other couple that’s totally oblivious to the rest of the world. My heart aches, this time for the man I’m leaving with. Because Harun and his lover are even more obviously in love than him and Uhura. Not to mention the fact that my partner doesn’t even have the consolation that the one he loves is straight.
“Let’s go,” he murmurs. “No need to subject ourselves to further torture.”
I demanded he stay on as my first officer. I’m some sort of masochist, so maybe I do need that torture. But I won’t force that on the man who will hopefully help me forget, at least for a little while.
Just before I leave the club, he looks up at me and our eyes meet. He raises an eyebrow. I gesture to my partner and then the door. His chin dips once and then he turns back to Uhura.
That’s why he should be with me. We can have conversations across a room. We don’t need words. He knew I was leaving as soon as I knew. He understands me better than I ever could. He understands me better than he could ever understand Uhura. He understands me better than anyone else ever could.
And I understand him.
That’s why I have to let him stay with her. Because I understand that she’s what he wants and what he needs. I understand that she can give him things I never could.
I turn and take my partner’s hand. “Let’s go.”