Chapter Text
when taemin is five he meets a boy and falls in love.
it is a simple love, a chaste love, a love of a child.
he is five and he is wandering through the woods on the edge of town, cautions about the dangers that lurk within the thick and foreboding trees a distant thought to his young mind as he has been dared to explore and he is not one to back down from a challenge. instead of danger he stumbles upon another child, a boy, who is sitting beneath a towering fir, a book in his hand and his feet tucked under his knees. taemin tilts his head as he stares, taking in the feature of the obviously older boy as he reads, his brows furrowed in concentration and his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. he is beautiful and taemin wants to know his name so he abruptly pipes up with “hi I’m taemin and I’m five. what’s your name?” to which the beautiful boy throws his book in the air and lets out a startled shriek so loud it echoes through the forest. it is the most delightful thing taemin has seen and heard in all of his five years and he falls to the ground in laughter, his arms gripped about his waist as he laughs and laughs, dirt and foliage smearing his clothes.
the boy is not amused.
but after a wasted diatribe on why it’s rude to sneak up on people, he glances about, uncertainty in his movements and he questions taemin as to whether he is alone or not, did anyone follow him? taemin shakes his head, puffing out his chest.
“i came by myself because jongin said that I wouldn’t and I’m not afraid of anything but jongin is and he wouldn’t come but i did because i’m not afraid of anything.” the boy stares at him for a minute, seemingly uncertain of what to do next. taemin stares back, still enraptured by the elder. finally taemin breaks the silence by asking the boy what he’s reading, pointing at the pages scattered in the dirt.
“it looks big.” he says with a toothy grin. the boy glances down at the ground, his book forgotten during his diatribe about manners, and he picks it up, dusting off the leaves and debris.
“it’s just a book.” he says bashfully, embarrassed even in front of this child to have attention brought to his bookworm nature. he braces for the teasing he’s so accustomed to receiving but instead taemin asks if he’ll read to him.
“i love books.” he says sincerely, his eyes wide and hopeful. though hesitant, the boy agrees to let him sit next to him, swearing taemin to secrecy about the location of his secret reading nook. taemin is eager to comply, excited to be entrusted with a secret that he’s sure he’ll be able to keep, even from jongin. as they settle back down a thought occurs to taemin and he looks over at the older boy and asks, “by the way, how old are you and what’s your name?” the boy smiles and says, “i’m eight. my name is jinki.”
“jinki.”, taemin repeats. he smiles at that. he smiles because he is five and as jinki begins to read again, this time out loud as taemin sits next to him, elbows folded over his bare knees, taemin falls in love.
~
taemin’s childlike adoration lasts for three years.
for three years he is jinki’s shadow, following him everywhere, even just to sit with him in the forest, a hand absently resting on jinki’s knee as he listens to the soft murmur of the other boy reading aloud. it is a habit they’ve developed, meeting up on purpose and on accident, jinki escaping into his world of literature and fantasy, words and ideas, and taemin just following him, occasionally bringing his own book to read. they are friends but there’s a distance. jinki is three years older and that gap is keenly felt as taemin tries to keep up, as he watches jinki move ahead of him in everything.
everything except dance.
taemin began taking courses as soon as he was able to walk and there have been very few amongst his peers who have been able to exceed his skills, among them his best friend jongin.
the first time taemin watches jinki dance he is surprised.
he doesn’t understand how someone so beautiful could move with so little grace: he doesn’t understand how the two things he loves most in this world don’t love each other.
but it is a fact: jinki is a skilled dancer but he doesn’t feel the rhythm in his soul, it’s not his calling and taemin is saddened by the realization. he is grateful for jinki’s interest in his art, attending taemin’s recitals even when he’s not obligated to. in return, taemin is at every single one of jinki’s vocal performances. he had known that jinki had a beautiful voice from the first moment they met in the forest. but the day he heard him sing changed everything for taemin; it was a revelation. what jinki lacks in dance he more than exceeds in song. while dance is taemin’s passion singing is jinki’s and taemin marvels at the beauty of jinki’s voice, how simple words become something intricate and beautiful when he gives them voice. but then jinki presents as an omega and taemin’s world shifts. taemin knows the differences between alphas, betas, and omegas and he knows what jinki being an omega will mean. and he is right, though things change slowly.
~
taemin is eleven when he presents as an alpha.
jinki is getting older and spending more time with friends closer to his own age, spending far less time hidden away in the forest where jinki’s blossoming omega scent could attract unwanted attention, and his isolation leaves him vulnerable, and with far less time with taemin.
they hardly see each other anymore.
~
when taemin is fourteen he begins assisting the instructors in training the younger dancers, specifically those who have yet reached maturity. it’s during their annual festival performance, the celebration of alphas and omegas pledged to be bonded that season, that one of his fellow dancers, a beta named kibum, introduces him to his friends: a beta named minho and an omega named jinki. taemin nearly faints at the sight of his old friend, struck by how stunning jinki has become, even more beautiful than when he first saw him through a child’s eye.
jinki is tall for an omega, strong-bodied with muscles in all the right places, biceps and calves flexing at every turn, and soft curves where one least expects them. he greets taemin with a smile and a hug, the skin of his arms and shoulders soft against taemin’s palms as he leans into the embrace and it takes everything in his power to not scent jinki there in the middle of the crowd. when they pull apart and jinki flashes him a smile taemin has never seen before, one of confidence and equanimity, taemin finds himself suddenly falling deeply, irrationally, in love. they exchange numbers and begin hanging out again, in groups mostly, acting as cheerleaders at minho’s football matches, or supporting jinki’s new friend jonghyun as he recites his poetry at obscure coffee shops and art galleries. for the next two years taemin spends as much time with jinki as he can, just enjoying being in his presence again, to hear his voice, his laughter, and to see his smile; he’s grateful their spheres have reconnected.
but it can’t last.
because jinki is an omega and the first time taemin caught a whiff of his scent in heat he nearly claimed him on the spot. and when jinki disappeared with minho taemin nearly lost his mind in a dizzying combination of worry, rage, and lust. he tolerates it because in his mind jinki is already his, the formal declaration and claim will be made as soon as he’s of age. that he has never expressed these thoughts and feelings to jinki doesn’t stop him from believing in their inevitable outcome: he will be jinki’s alpha. he believes this up until the day he finds jinki and jonghyun kissing in jonghyun’s car while on his way to meet up with jinki to go to another of minho’s football matches.
it is not the shock of seeing jinki in the embrace of another man that breaks taemin’s heart, after all jonghyun’s an omega and can make no claim on jinki. no, it’s the full-fledged dreamy smile on his face when the two pull apart. it’s that smile, that look, that expression of adoration and contentment that taemin has been dying to see on jinki’s face for over two years, to be the cause of. it hits him hard and fast that nothing jinki has ever done or said to him would suggest that he saw taemin as anything more than a friend. taemin turns around and walks away. when jinki texts him later to ask where he is he doesn’t respond. he never responds and when jinki shows up at his doorstop he ignores the knocks and waits for him to go away, sitting on the other side of the door weeping over the loss of his first love.
~
taemin is seventeen when he meets a beta named junmyeon and for two years he convinces himself that he’s happy because he is.
he finds contentment in junmyeon’s arms, his scent, his bed, the kisses and caresses, whispers in the night and smiles in the day. he loves junmyeon, he’s sure of it, but he never finds himself in love with this man. and near the end it becomes clear that junmyeon feels the same way and when taemin finds his boyfriend’s eyes drifting towards another alpha he encourages him to go. there’s no heartbreak, there’s no sorrow. just peace as he watches his former lover fall madly in love with a tall lanky alpha with a wolfish smile. they remain friends, they remain good friends and when junmyeon is bonded that year taemin is there in the crowd, watching with a smile on his face because he is glad, he is so glad that junmyeon has found the love he couldn’t find it within himself to give him for all those years, that junmyeon has found the love he deserves and that taemin just doesn’t have for him.
he decides in that moment to put himself up for bonding.
~
taemin is twenty and he is sitting on an old wooden bench in a park on the edge of a pavilion, under the shade of a tree, hiding from the piercing sun. there is a crowd gathered for the annual festival of bonds, the few unmated who are of age who’ve come to present themselves for an arranged pairing, those who have not yet found a mate but are ready for bonding.
taemin is among them.
he is watching an omega directly across from him, laughing and leaning against the one of tallest betas, his arms folded in front of his body as his lips move in silent speech. jinki is still beautiful and he is still friends with minho. the day is unbearably hot and minho is shirtless and barefoot, denim shorts brushing over his knees and a silver bracelet glistening in the sunlight, signifying his family tribe. taemin sighs at the sentiment, idly brushing his fingers over a similar band tied to his own wrist. jinki is dressed in the sleeveless linen-colored tunic and pants of an omega presenting themselves for bonding, identical to the one taemin is wearing save for a crimson stripe down the front where taemin’s is ivory.
he keeps his eyes on the pair, watching with a pang of jealousy as jinki continues to chat with minho, his face now turning up toward the beta in a crinkled grin that elicits an enthusiastic high-five from the taller man. his attentions are interrupted by jongin slipping into the seat next to him, the rickety bench creaking gently beneath the added weight.
“do you have any idea the way you look at him?” taemin stiffens, glancing down at his hands, playing with the ring on his forefinger. jongin looks down at him when taemin remains silent.
“you can always refuse, tell them you’ve changed your mind.”
“it doesn’t matter.”
“you haven’t let it go.”
“there was nothing for me to hold on to.” jongin pauses, appraising his friend before softly uttering “yeah”, his jaw clenching momentarily before placing a warm hand on his friend’s back. he keeps watching him, silent and studious and taemin wonders what his friend is thinking. he doesn’t have long to wonder as the crowd falls silent, the council taking their places at the center of the pavilion, and the list of those to be bonded begins to be read.
within minutes taemin is in a panic because he thought he knew what he was playing at but he suddenly realizes he didn’t understand what it was he was truly asking of himself.
there’s a difference between knowing and understanding and it wasn’t until jinki was walking to the podium that taemin fully grasps the magnitude of his decision.
lee taemin is twenty and he has spent most of his life in love with lee jinki because loving jinki was as natural as breathing, as dancing, and taemin felt it with every piece of himself.
taemin’s love for jinki is whole, vibrant, and exhilarating: loving jinki is taemin’s life.
he is twenty and as he hears jinki’s name called, an omega about to be bonded to another, he wishes he could take every moment of silence back. the pain in his chest is excruciating, beads of sweat forming at his temple and he knows he must look as sick as he feels by the way jongin is staring at him, a strong had firmly placed on his shoulder, the pressure both a reminder that he is not alone and a restraint should he decide to do anything foolish. he feels his heart pound with the last bit of hope that jinki could be his mate, that he could be jinki’s alpha. but not like this. not like this.
taemin watches as jinki reaches the podium, his gaze to the ground, hands clasped in front of him. seeing the confident omega so utterly ill at ease causes a soft growl to escape taemin’s throat and he feels jongin’s grip on his shoulder tighten.
without even thinking he begins to lean forward, the words of opposition forming on his tongue as he waits for the name of the alpha to be called.
but they dry up and blow away like the seeds of a dandelion as he hears his own name ring out. and suddenly there is silence, a deafening loss of sound narrowed down to his own breaths as his body responds to the shock of being the alpha called to be mated with jinki.