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Rue opened to billow the smoke out of her mouth. She watched as it drifted in the night sky in front of her, dissipating into the muggy summer air.
Cigarettes didn’t hit as good as weed or drugs did, but she had to indulge in something fucked to continue living her life. She wouldn’t be Rue Bennett if she didn’t involve herself in some tragic affair.
Sitting on the concrete stairs next to the club with pounding music that she could hear from the outside, she took another drag. The tip turned a bright orange, then that specific shade of maroon like her father’s jacket, before dimming into black. Rue tilted her head to blow the smoke in the air, hoping it would reach him wherever he was.
She scratched the back of her curly hair as drunk people lost their footing and stumbled past. Fuck, she wished that was her right now. Back when going to parties and getting high was fun for her. What a batshit ride high school was.
Instead, Rue caught her breath from a sweaty hour in the club. She made out with a girl for two minutes, then opened her eyes and swore to God she spotted someone who looked like Jules. Her feet raced to the exit before she realized she was leaving.
Rue brought her lips to the nicotine and shifted on the uncomfortable concrete.
Just as she did, high heels clacked in the distance. They sounded expensive. Each step was a sharp click rather than a dull thud. Not to mention the strong, rich smell of perfume flowed through her nostrils, overpowering the aroma of Rue’s smoke. Then, it suddenly stopped.
“Rue Bennett, is that fucking you?”
Rue tensed, immediately recognizing the voice. How could she not? She turned her head and, no other than Maddy Perez, stared at her with a smile.
Maddy sported a tight dress, huge hoop earrings, and black stilettos. For makeup, she still winged her eyeliner and glittered her eyelids. Of course, she looked fucking amazing compared to Rue’s ‘I-just-got-out-of-bed-this-morning’ look.
“Hey, Maddy,” Rue said with a tight-lipped smirk.
If Rue was honest, she wasn’t sure how she felt about Maddy or how the hell this conversation would go. They didn’t keep in contact after graduation. Sure, they’ve had multiple interactions and have hugged each other once or twice, but when Rue thought of the spectacle Maddy Perez, she didn’t assume ‘friend’. Maybe that was her fuckup. Maddy was one of the only people left in her corner after everything that happened.
“I totally did not think I’d run into you tonight.” Maddy sat next to her and pulled her dress down, keeping her legs close together.
Good. People were already beginning to stare at her and imagine what was in between.
Rue huffed, plastering her smirk. “Yeah. What a coincidence.”
It really was. She expected a woman like Maddy to go out and explore the world; even a place like California couldn’t hold her down. Or so she thought.
Maddy’s warmer fingers brushed Rue’s cold ones. Rue couldn’t help but flinch as Maddy snickered and grabbed the cigarette. She placed her heavily glossed lips in the same place Rue’s were, breathing in and closing her eyes without a care in the world.
Rue watched as she did. She was used to Maddy being defensive, not because Rue earned the cold shoulder, but because that’s how Maddy moved through the world—guarded with a tough shell yet caring when it came to close friends. Her expression resembled what it used to be with Cass. Rue wondered if she ever let herself feel that way again.
Maddy breathed out the smoke slowly. She opened her eyes and tilted her head at Rue, returning the cigarette that was almost a stub.
“How’s life been going?” Rue asked as she took it from her.
Maddy scoffed. “Oh my god. Are we that fucking old that we start asking boring questions to each other?”
Blunt. Very blunt. But fair enough.
“Shame on me for asking. You’re always up to something.”
“Says you,” Maddy remarked. She smiled, revealing her pretty white teeth.
Rue’s smirk became genuine as she shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve been getting better. No drugs. No weed. Just a cigarette a day.”
Maddy nudged the carcass of a smushed cigarette next to Rue’s foot.
“It’s a work in progress.”
“Well, good for you,” Maddy said. Rue spotted sincerity in her gaze. “That’s a huge accomplishment. You should be proud. Not a lot of addicts can say that, you know. But you’re strong as shit. You always have been.”
The unexpected compliment stirred something deep inside Rue’s chest. She hid the momentary trembling of her fingers and passed the cigarette along.
“Thanks. Trying is all I can do.” Rue used to hate that saying when she was in the midst of her addiction—back when everything in her didn’t want to try. When she couldn’t even give the people around her the passion to try. Now, it was what kept one foot in front of the other. The version of herself in high school would’ve groaned at the idea. Or maybe she would’ve smiled.
“I never told you thanks, by the way.” Maddy’s purple nails shone in the moonlight as the cigarette landed back in her fingers. “For telling me about Nate and Cass.”
Rue shook her head, ready to deny her gratitude. Maddy didn’t let her.
“I know you did it to get attention off you. I know you were in some pretty bad shit, Rue. But you had my back when many people didn’t. It meant a lot.”
Rue bit her cheek. Ah, fuck it. She bit the bullet. “Do you talk—”
“I’d rather shoot myself in the head with a gun than talk with them.”
Okay. Point made.
Maddy sighed and breathed in the nicotine. Rue watched the array of colors light up, then fade. If she studied Maddy’s face in the reflection of the fire, that was Rue’s secret to keep.
“Anyway, to answer your other question,” Maddy handed the cigarette back to Rue, “I’ve been fine. Partying, drinking, working, fucking. The usual.”
Rue dropped the cigarette stub from her fingers with a couple of hits left. It rested on the pavement before Maddy’s stiletto did the honor of smashing it into the ground. Her heel rose to reveal two mushed cancer sticks.
“You come here with anyone?” Rue wasn’t sure what made her ask the question—liquid courage from an hour ago, maybe.
“I did,” Maddy muttered. “We just broke up.”
Rue’s heart traitorously leapt. Then she silently cursed about what that could mean.
“He was a dick.” Maddy pulled down the hem of her dress. “They always seem to be.”
“You must attract them,” Rue said. “Like how a light attracts fucking moths, the bane of existence, because they can’t help but want something so beautiful. Something they know they shouldn’t have, so they try to keep it for themselves, but it dims the light. Makes it impossible for anyone to be happy until they flutter away and move on.”
Maddy’s eyes slightly widen at Rue’s explanation. “That was…poetic. Do you take writing classes now? Bitch, are you Shakespeare?”
Rue scoffed out a laugh. “It’s not that poetic.”
“Yes, the fuck it was. Write a book or something. You impressed me with that.”
“No, I’m serious. I conned it off a person in my NA meeting a long time ago. They compared themselves to the moth and drugs as the light.” Rue fumbled with her hands. “Stuck with me all this time, I guess.”
Maddy’s shoulder bumped into hers. “Good thing you fluttered away.”
Her fingers intertwined tighter. Rue might’ve fluttered away from the drugs, but she resembled the moth in a ton of ways, especially if this conversation continued to get any more intimate like it has been.
Still, her mouth moved to say more rather than bid goodbye, “It was hard. I had to close my eyes a lot not to stare into the light. But whenever I did, I—”
Okay. This was getting too intimate.
“You what?” Maddy asked. Her eyebrow arched in suspicion.
Rue swallowed a lump in her throat. Realistically, she wouldn’t see Maddy again for the next couple of years, if ever. And even if they did meet, someone like Maddy wouldn’t remember a conversation like this. A stupid emotional connection with the drug addict from high school outside of a dumb club when she’s already had drinks. Besides, Rue needed hope to hold onto. She didn’t have many people reaching down to grab her hand. And even if it’s only in this moment, Rue could see Maddy’s purple nails from the fog. So she reached to grasp it.
“Whenever I close my eyes, I see my father.” Rue shook her head and knitted her eyebrows. “It’s weird. He was the reason I found myself taking drugs in the first place. To see him again. For him to tell me I’m still good. Now, he’s the reason I’m clean. For him to be proud. For him to know I’m an actual good person. I was shitty before.”
Maddy was now the one to shake her head. “You were never shitty,” her voice wavered. “You made shitty decisions, one thousand percent. But you, as a person, were never shitty. And trust me, I know shitty. I’ve fucking lived through it for as long as I can remember.”
Rue, against everything in her, took her words and kept them close, but not close enough to let them burn her like the light always seemed to.
“You’re not shitty either.”
“Of course I’m not.” Maddy swiveled her head. “Is there a bitch who thinks I am?”
Rue’s eyes widened. “No, no—”
Maddy’s laugh interrupted Rue’s rambling. “I’m joking, Rue Rue. Looks like quitting drugs didn’t make you any less anxious.”
Rue glanced down at her dirty, worn-out shoes compared to Maddy’s heels. “I just care about what you think, I guess,” Rue said before she could stop.
Maddy didn’t say anything. Only the bass of the music, which sounded like a Charli XCX song, made a sound around them. Hot air tickled their hair, brushing it softly side to side.
Rue collected her breath. She was going to say something. She wasn’t sure what, but this silence was killing her.
“Why didn’t you reach out?” Maddy asked.
Rue stiffened. Her clipped fingernails scraped the pavement next to her. “Why didn’t you?” It was a low blow, but the one move she had on her.
“Figured you didn’t want to hear from anyone but Lexi.”
“I figured you didn’t want to hear from anyone but Kat.”
Maddy bit her cheek with an amused breath out. “You know what’s the worst fucking part? She and I haven’t talked. I don’t even know where she is.” Maddy moved her biting to her glossed lips. “That year really fucked me up. Because of it, I have, like, no friends. Seriously. It’s fucking embarrassing.”
Rue didn’t have much after that year, either. She cut ties with all of her drugged friends and plugs. Ashtray died in that stupid hallway, and Fezco passed in prison, beaten up and bloody. She still talked to Lexi, but she was doing her own thing, rightfully so. For all that Rue knew, Cass cut ties with her just to walk back into Nate’s arms. It was a shame. Cass was a friend. Lexi was her sister. Now, Cass’s light was dimming, and Nate’s moth got drunker off the power. And Jules—Rue couldn’t think about the idea of her.
“Yeah. With everything that happened, I just believed that maybe you didn’t want to see me. We only talked because we knew people who knew each other. I thought that you’d be so busy, I’d be nothing but a footnote,” Rue replied.
If Rue didn’t know any better, Maddy almost teared up. Or maybe it was purple iridescent glitter in her eyes.
“You’re not a footnote,” Maddy said.
That was the answer Rue yearned for, but somehow she wanted more. She wanted to ask a question. She knew it was a load of bullshit, and Maddy would dismiss it. Hell, she’d probably laugh and tell her to fuck off, but she needed to ask it for peace of mind.
“Who do you see when you close your eyes?”
Maddy’s head tilted up at the sky. Rue followed her gaze. No stars were out.
“Why does it matter who I see? She’s gone now,” Maddy responded.
“She’s not gone if you still feel her.”
Maddy’s eyes traveled to the bustling people waiting in line. She then shook her head and stared back at Rue. “Are you like a therapist now?”
“No, I’m your friend.”
Maddy’s throat bobbed. Her expression was like someone stabbed her in the stomach. She was watching all of the blood and guts pour out of her, but couldn’t stop it. Like being vulnerable was inevitable unless she found the strength to walk away.
Finally, she sighed and tightened her fingers into a fist. “I see a girl. Fourteen. She’s on the beach with her toes in the sand. It’s a sunny day. Strawberry ice cream is dripping from the waffle cone she holds. And when she licks the side of it, she doesn’t meet eyes with the man across from her.” Rue’s heart dropped. “She doesn’t worry whether or not the bathing suit she’s wearing is attractive enough to catch the eye of him, because she’s worried about school instead. About childhood crushes, running laps in the gym, worried about a fucking science exam.”
Maddy scoffed, and Rue was now sure that what was brimming in Maddy’s eyes wasn’t glitter. “She’s not worried about losing her innocence so young. She’s not worried about the hands that always seem to find her—constantly reaching and grabbing and touching. Fuck,” Maddy began to cry, “they’re always touching me, and I just wish they’d let go.”
Rue immediately moved in closer, flailing her arms, wanting to comfort her, but not knowing how to.
Maddy must get her sentiment because she leaned in and hugged Rue. Rue’s eyes widened in shock while her arms wrapped around her. Maddy sobbed into her shoulder.
Multiple people walked by with annoyed faces, but Rue glared at every single one. They all got the hint and moved on while Maddy sniffled.
“I’m sorry, Rue. I’m not busy. I’m not the superstar I always thought I’d be. I’m just a fucking loser in California, chasing a shitty high so I can’t ever look below.”
Rue’s hand rubbed back and forth on Maddy’s skin. Her dress had no back. The connection electrified Rue’s fingertips. She held on tighter when Maddy cried harder. Rue felt the wetness on her shoulder from her tears soaking the shirt.
She thought she’d seen Maddy in every emotion. Happy, excited, angry, super angry, proud, fearful, disgusted, and even sad. But it wasn’t this kind of sad. It wasn’t distraught. It wasn’t something that made Maddy claw onto Rue like she was the one thing holding her afloat.
“It’s okay, Mads,” Rue whispered. “I’m here. We’re here together. Let everything out.”
When Maddy let out another cry, Rue’s lip trembled. She didn’t remember the last time she cried, but she could feel it bubbling up in her system. She clamped it down to focus on Maddy instead and rested her chin on the top of Maddy’s head.
Before she could fathom stopping her train of thought, Rue’s lips connected with the crown of her head to peck her. Just as she pulled away, she realized what she had done.
Both of them freeze.
Shit, Rue just kissed Maddy’s head.
Rue’s mouth opened and closed, ready to fumble apologies and how she ruined it all. But Maddy sniffled, smirked, and pushed her face further into the crook of Rue’s neck.
“I wish I had the gentleness you have, Rue.”
Gentleness? Rue’s heart slowed in relief as she lay her cheek on top of Maddy’s head. “I think you’re the first person to tell me that ever.”
I think I’m only gentle when it comes to you.
After a moment of catching her breath, Maddy retracted her face away from Rue, to her disappointment. When they stared at each other again, Rue’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.
Mascara ran down her cheeks, and glitter was smeared all over her face. She was a beautiful, hot mess, and pulled it off well. Still, Rue would be a dick if she didn’t tell her.
“You got, uh,” She couldn’t contain her smile, “a little something.”
“Everywhere?” Maddy joked and wiped her skin with her hands.
Rue chuckled. Even Maddy found it amusing as she smoothed her fingers over her face with a slight smile.
“Fuck, that was embarrassing, but it felt good.” Laughter construed some of her words.
Rue smiled. “I’m glad. You needed it.”
After Maddy finished cleaning her face as much as she could, she wrapped her arm around Rue’s. “Thank you,” her voice was the softest she’d ever heard.
Rue could already tell Maddy was about to depart. She saw it in her gaze, felt her squeeze her arm tighter for a second. As much as Rue didn’t want her to leave, she knew she couldn’t keep a woman like her all to lonesome.
“Thank you.”
Maddy smiled and, to Rue’s surprise, leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Her heart sped up, and her palms got sweaty when Maddy’s plump, glossed lips puckered against Rue’s skin. When she wished for it to last forever, Maddy leaned back, leaving a kiss mark and the two crushed cigarettes as evidence of her presence.
She stood and looked down. Rue stared up, trying to contain the wonder in her eyes. Even she knew she was doing a shit job at hiding it.
“I want to see you again, Rue. I’m serious,” Maddy said with a smirk.
Rue was breathless. “I want to see you again, too,” she whispered, like a dirty secret.
“Okay, then text me. You have my fucking number, don’t you? And if not, at least my Insta. If you still use that.”
Rue huffed. Apparently, her notion of no social media was catching up to even the distant friends. Not like she’d have a life to post even if she still had Instagram. Now, she thought about redownloading it just to message Maddy. But, she was right. Rue did have her number in her contacts, probably from freshman year when they all had a sleepover.
“I will,” Rue promised. Quite easily. “Just tell me you’ll respond.”
Maddy ran her fingers through her dark hair, fixing the mess it had become. “I will,” she promised back.
Rue nodded, and with that, Maddy gave her one final smile and a cute wave. Rue watched her go—hearing the familiar sharp clack of Maddy’s high heels leave and disappear into the night. But she wouldn’t be gone forever. No, she’d see her again.
Every time she closed her eyes.