Chapter Text
I had a dream that I was surrounded by a beautiful field, with no roads or cars or other people in sight. The sky was brilliant blue with only a few fluffy, happy clouds in sight. The air was warm but not too warm, and I could hear the sounds of birds and bugs singing together. The wind was a gentle breeze, taking my hair and gently tossing it about behind me, but not with enough force to be obnoxious.
I turned around and saw a cat behind me, sitting atop the remnants of a cobblestone wall, looking at me intently. It was then, while I was examining the bright and intense eyes of that cat, that I realized that my eyesight was perfect in this dream. I had not yet lost my capability to make out individual leaves on the trees in the distance. I could truly appreciate the beauty of the world around me.
This cat chirped at me as I was examining it, the turned it's back to me. It began to slowly walk down the length of the wall, continuing to look back at me as if it were expecting me to follow. I did follow it, but as I did the wind picked up slightly, causing the expanse of tall grass to wave back and forth in that mesmerizing fashion. I examined the grass and the ripples the wind created in it, and when I looked back that cat was gone, and so was the wall it walked upon.
I now no longer had a guide or anything as a frame of reference for direction in this endless grass field. It was beautiful and wonderful and peaceful, yes, but it was also terrifying. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just spun around in place, feeling fear bubble up within me, trying to find any frame of reference so I could continue seeing this world as beautiful and peaceful instead of as an incomprehensible infinite expanse of grass, wind, and blue sky.
It wasn't until I head that same chip of the cat again did I feel my panic instantly fade away, and when I turned I saw that cat again, but instead of in a field of endless grass we were now in a city. There were no people, but I did not feel strange about that. The cat chirped at me again, and it did it's same charade of turning it's back on me and then leading me away, this time down a back alley. It was now when I started to follow the cat for a second time that my dream ended.
It was a wonderful dream. I don't often have dreams like that anymore. I wish I could have that dream again. I want to see where that cat was trying to lead me. Maybe when I go to sleep again I will get to see where this cat was leading me.
The inside of the train was cramped and hot. Columbina could feel herself beginning to sweat even though the train had yet to depart. She tightly gripped the bag of groceries to herself, glad that she only had processed food in there, or else the heat of the train might cause them to go bad before she got home. She gripped her groceries to her body tighter and tighter, curling into a smaller and smaller ball as she could hear and feel people pack in more and more. She was glad she wore her eye mask today so she didn't have to see all the people around her, the ways they moved and how grotesque they all were.
The train eventually took off down the track, her car filled impossibly with people. There were gentle murmurs of conversation which she listened in on, despite the fact that hearing conversations made her despise people even more. But it was better than focusing on how many people were around her and how her legs brushed up against all the people standing above her, or how people must be judging her because a perfectly able-looking girl was taking up one of the seats.
Luckily, Columbina did not live too far away, and so in a matter of a few stops, she was standing from her seat and quickly rushing out of the train, her groceries still clutched to her chest. She stumbled out of the door as if she was violently ejected from the train, nearly gasping for air now that she didn't have to breathe the same air that all those people did. The air outside the train definitely wasn't fresh--she still lived inside the city--but it was open, and her claustrophobia was no longer making her want to crawl out of her own skin. Her restless legs had something to do now that she could walk, no longer having to resort to bounce up and down and possibly bother other passengers.
She walked as fast as she could away out of the train station and away towards her apartment, getting as much energy out of her legs as possible while she had the chance, because she knew once she stepped back inside her apartment she probably wouldn't leave for the rest of the day, if not for the next few days.
It was a habit she picked up after graduating. Her friends had become well adjusted members of society, graduating with impressive or useful degrees that would lead them to great places: Arlecchino had graduated with a number of degrees, Rosalyn was already a successful performer even before she graduated and her degree only bolstered that, Nefer was now employed by the government for things she wasn't allowed to tell Columbina about, and Sandrone was already a working engineer. But Columbina took a very different route after graduation (or what she told her friends was her graduation): she removed herself from society. As her friends drifted away from her, she started to lose reasons to go out, to talk to people, to exist anywhere except her apartment. And nobody had since tried to reach out to her, so she figured nobody even cared.
She inserted the key to her door and twisted it, quickly slipping inside and slamming the door shut behind her. She barely even bothered to put her groceries away, placing her bag on the kitchen counter before throwing herself onto her bed. As soon as she stopped bouncing atop her probably-too-soft mattress, she felt the weight of her body become even heavier. Her legs no longer wanted to move on their own accord, and her arms felt like they were weighted down. Her vision was black now that she was face down against her pillow, and in the absence of visual stimuli, her brain conjured images of whatever it could think of.
Within her minds eye, the field from her dream the previous night appeared to her. She saw that cat again in detail of proper, working vision instead of the blurry, incomprehensible shapes that she now saw, and she smiled at it. She smiled a disgusting, pathetic smile. She wasn't worthy of smiling. Why should she be allowed to smile? She was supposed to be unhappy and miserable with her life. A cat wasn't anything to smile about anyways.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket, breaking her from her trance. She sat up, the light of the mid-day invading her eyes once again as she pulled out her phone. Upon opening it, her phone read aloud a message sent in the old group chat her and her friends used in school:
"From Nefer: hey guys, I'm going to be back in town for a few days this weekend. Want to meet up?"
Columbina sighed and tossed her phone to the side, vibrations erupting from it as her friends started making plans to meet up almost immediately. She planted her face back into her pillow, listening to her phone continue to buzz. Every time the device sent a vibration cascading into her cheap mattress, she could feel her stomach twist with regret.
But you did this to yourself, a version of her would say in response to that regret. You have nobody to blame except yourself for leaving them behind. You drifted away from them. Once upon a time she might have said that it was not entirely her fault and that it was just circumstance, but as of late she had given in. It was, her fault, she realized. It was her fault for not being able to graduate, it was her fault for being too scared to admit it, it was her fault for allowing that fear to overtake every single conversation she had with them, and it was her fault for letting that make her scared of talking to any of them.
She fell asleep to the sounds of her phone buzzing and her punishing herself, and she didn't wake up until it was dark outside.
"Why do we even bother with going to karaoke anymore with these two?" Sandrone asked, gesturing at Columbina and Rosalyn, as their entire possie walked down the city streets, deep into the spring-time night. They had just wrapped up a session at their favorite karaoke bar (which they were not allowed to drink at due to previous nights together) and were on their way to a bar that they were allowed to drink at.
"You know it's not a competition, right?" Columbina replied, "And to be fair, you have a wonderful voice anyways, so at least you wouldn't be losing."
"Bah, do you think I'm someone who is okay with losing?" Sandrone scoffed. "And when you two are here with us, I can't help but feel like I am losing at a competition, thus I turn it into a competition!"
"At least you partake," Nefer chimed in, "That's points you have over somebody we know."
The group gave a sarcastic look towards Arlecchino with an almost cartoonishly slow pace. Arlecchino took a few beats to realize what was happening.
"I continue to tell you that I have tried to sing since my voice dropped," he said, "It's not pretty."
"And I continue to offer voice coaching if you need it," Rosalyn said. "You just can't be bothered to relearn how to use the muscles in your throat to sing, but with a few weeks tops we can get you singing well enough. I may not be a guy but I can still coach you."
"Yeah Arle," Sandrone said, "Relearn how to sing so you can sing a duet with that girlfriend of yours!"
"Oooh yeah, how is she?" Columbina said, suddenly reminded of Arlecchino's very mysterious love life, "You haven't talked about her much recently."
"She's good," Arlecchino said with a shrug, "Not much to report."
"This isn't a report for a class, Arle, this is serious business!" Sandrone said, "You have to give us the details. What is she like, what dates have you gone on, have you kissed?"
"What, are you a high school gossip girl now?" Arlecchino asked.
"No, she's just really pretty and I'm jealous, now come on, spill it!" Sandrone said, clearly very embarrassed that she just admitted what she had just admitted.
"I'll tell you when I'm at least a drink in," Arlecchino said, rolling his eyes. Sandrone groaned in frustration, but simply said "fine" and moved on.
The group approached an inconspicuous stair case leading down into the basement of an equally-as-inconspicuous building. The stairs were uneven and poorly lit, so Sandrone made it a habit to always help Columbina down the stairs whenever they went to this specific speakeasy.
"Steps," Sandrone called out, offering her hand to Columbina.
"I'm not completely blind, you know," Columbina teased, taking Sandrone's hand even though she didn't entirely need it, "I'm not wearing my eye mask, and I can at least see when there are stairs to navigate."
"W-well I just thought you'd like to know!" Sandrone said. "It's best to make sure so you don't go tumbling down some poorly-laid concrete."
"I appreciate the kind gesture, then," Columbina said.
The inside of the speakeasy was dimly lit and warm, the interior made of dark wood and was lit mostly by candles, the only electric lights being those for the bartenders and whatever was required by law. The group located their usual spot in one of the corners of the establishment and ordered their first round of drinks right away with practiced efficiency.
"The first round is on yours truly, tonight," Arlecchino said after putting the entire table's orders on his tab, "I recently got paid and have more than enough money to spend on us."
"So does that mean I can order a dram of something top shelf?" Nefer asked.
"It does not mean that," Arlecchino said.
"Lame."
"Just in the same way I never ordered anything top shelf when you were buying, I expect you to do the same for me," Arlecchino said with a smirk.
"One of these days I'll get swindle one of you lot into something like that," Nefer said.
"Try your best," Sandrone scoffed. "The money in my wallet is staying put."
"You say that," Rosalyn said, "and yet you're probably the easiest one to swindle money out of."
"I am not!" Sandrone said. "Columbina, I'm not easy to swindle money out of, am I?"
"Remember that time you bought me that cute plushy keychain back in freshman year?" Columbina said, taking a nonchalant sip of water.
"It was your birthday present!" Sandrone said.
"It was three weeks after my birthday."
"Close enough..." Sandrone pouted. "But that's only one example. I'm better than that!"
"You have bought me multiple meals on multiple occasions just because I asked," Columbina continued.
"Okay, that's enough of that," Sandrone said, turning away from Columbina and her mischievous smile.
"Gosh, I wonder why I get none of that treatment from you," Nefer said. The comment turned Sandrone bright red.
The group continued to tease Sandrone until their drinks arrived, which Sandrone used as a very needed change of topic.
In the moment, it was a night like any other to Columbina. She stood rather close to the sidelines, watching her friends bicker and have fun, herself giving input occasionally, laughing at their antics. She particularly enjoyed watching Sandrone dig herself into a hole of embarrassment that she tried desperately but failed to get out of. But in hindsight it all represented the last time she would have a normal night like that with her friends. After that night, they started to drift apart, their lives dragging them in different directions, and it was a memory Columbina treasured, but hated to remember because of it.
"Have you spoken to Columbina recently?" Sandrone said into her phone. It was entirely dark out, and Sandrone was in bed with the TV on, volume as low as it would go, as she talked on the phone with Nefer.
"I have not, no," Nefer said. "Have you?"
"No I haven't," Sandrone said, "She just ghosted me and I'm too scared to reach out to her. I'm not sure if I did something wrong or something."
"She probably just got caught up in whatever she's doing now," Nefer said. "Can't hurt to just text her."
"She's still in the group chat, right? She should have gotten all of our texts from earlier today."
"You should still text her directly just in case. She could have that chat muted or something."
"Why do I have to be the one to do it? You could do it!"
"Well I'm not the one with the massive crush on the lady," Nefer said with amusement. "And she doesn't have a crush on me."
"I do not have a crush on Columbina!" Sandrone said, picking her phone up from her bed and opening her texts, "How many times do I have to tell you this."
"Tell me this however much you want, I'm still not going to believe you. I've seen how you act around her."
"I act around her exactly the same as I act around anybody else," Sandrone said.
"Yeah, okay," Nefer said sarcastically. "Just give her a text, ask her if she's up to meeting up with the rest of us."
"Already on it," Sandrone says, tapping away at her phone.
"See, that wasn't that hard to admit, now was it?"
"You shut up," Sandrone snapped. She hesitated, then began to tap out another message.
When Columbina woke up, the first the she did was check her now-silent phone. There had been over a hundred messages sent to the group chat which her screen reader did not read out to her immediately, but what it did read out to her were two messages sent to her directly from Sandrone:
"Hey, I don't know if you saw, but we're going to get back together over the weekend. Want to join?"
And sent about twenty minutes later:
"I don't know if I did something that has you mad at me or something, and if I did then I can shut up, but can I at least get a proof of life text?"
Columbina's stomach dropped. Why is she worried about me, couldn't she have just forgotten about me? She should have just forgotten about me. That would have made this way easier. Why can't she just let me fade into the background. She'll have more fun without me anyways. But I also don't want to make her worry...
She returned a simple text back:
"I'm alive, don't worry about me."
She then locked her phone and threw it back on her bed, before sitting up to go take a shower and spend the rest of the night watching a movie or reading a book or literally anything else that wasn't worrying about Sandrone, because of the things she hated herself the most for, it was how she treated Sandrone.
The clock read 2am. It was perfectly normal to take a steaming hot shower at 2am, right?
Right.