Archive of Our Own

Vanessa stood in the doorway, watching the two people she just called her family run scared from her. Abby is holding Mike's hand as he helps her up into Jeremiah's car. Vanessa watches as they peel out of the driveway, shooting her looks of fear, and maybe pity.

This is how it always goes for Vanessa. She finds people she loves and her horrible family has to swoop in and ruin everything. Why couldn't Michael have just stayed out of this? All she wanted was one thing that she could have that wouldn't be ruined by who she was related to. Who she was. Her father was right. She would always be his.

—-------

“Father?” Vanessa called, poking her head through the doorway into his study. Nobody, father must be out doing something. She would go find Michael, maybe they could play a boardgame or something. It would be nice to pretend they were a normal family. That's what they always liked to do when Father was out.

When he was home, Vanessa and Michael would be perfectly quiet. They had already lost two siblings, and they understood that if Father became angry they could be next. Father was always angrier at Michael. Michael thinks it's his fault, but Vanessa thinks he's just a kid. No matter what had happened in the past, Michael was her little brother and she would do anything for him. All she wanted for both of them was a normal life. She turns 18 in 4 years, 8 months, and 14 days. As soon as she does, she's getting out and taking Michael with her.

She found Michael in his room, sitting on the floor with some building blocks, enraptured in whatever it was that he was making. It looked like maybe a spaceship? Vanessa couldn't tell.

“Hey,” Vanessa said as she stepped into his room.

“Is Father home?” Michael asked, looking around terrified at the mess he had made. “Oh, he will be so mad if he sees my room like this!”

“Hey don't worry, he's still gone,” she told him, immediately noticing how the tension left his shoulders at the reassurance. “I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to do something with me?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” micheal said, visibly relaxing. “Just let me clean this up real quick.” he said as he started moving to put the bricks away.

“What did you build?’ Vanessa asked, genuinely curious.

“It's an Amtrak train. I heard about it on TV.” Michael explained. “It can take us all the way out to California to be with mom. It's much cheaper than a plane ticket.”

Vanessa and Michael walked to the ice cream place across the street. Father didn't like it when they left the house, but they knew that he would be gone for a couple of hours and besides, they were just crossing the street. They could literally see their house from the table outside the shop.

Vanessa had gotten some money from her mom for her birthday. It was sent to her in the mail, in a pretty pink envelope, with her moms beautiful handwriting scrawled on the front. She had been sitting in her room working on homework when Father swung the door open. She froze, not knowing what this would be. He slowly sauntered towards her, face unreadable. She averted her gaze from his face, all too anxious to look him in the eyes. He stood above her, arms crossed, before clearing his throat, the indication that Vanessa should look at him. She did and he reached into his pocket and produced the envelope from his pocket before dropping it on Vanessa's homework with a huff and leaving her room without a word, allowing her door to remain wide open. She had quickly ripped the envelope open upon seeing that it was from her mom.

“My dear Vanessa," the letter read “happy birthday my darling oldest! I am so sorry that I cannot be there to celebrate with you in person, but I hope that 13 treats you well. I swear I remember the day that you were born like it was yesterday. It's impossible to think that I have a daughter who is a teenager! Does that make me old? I'm only joking dear, I love you so much more than you could begin to imagine. I'm sorry I had to leave you with him, one day I will have it good enough that you and your brother can come live with me. We will live in a huge mansion and have a private pool and we will never have to think about him or his daft robotics ever again. Happy birthday Vanessa, you are worth more than you could ever know. Love, mom.”

Vanessa had read and re-read the letter over and over until the sun was starting to set and she would've had to get up to turn the light on to continue. She needed to find a place to hide it, otherwise Father would find it and throw it away. As she was looking around for a good space, a 50$ bill fell out of the envelope. That caused Vanessa to fully freeze. This was the largest sum of money that she had ever seen with her own eyes. She knew Father had money, they lived in a big house, they always had food on the table and nice clothes and all the books that they needed for school. But she had never actually had any money.

That's precisely the reason she chose to take Michael out for ice cream. He was two years younger than her, and she knew he hadn't received anything from their mother since she left after the death of their younger brother. Vanessa didn't know if it was because mother wasn't sending him anything or because Father just wasn't letting them get to Michael. Vanessa knew that Father blamed Michael for the death of their brother, and therefore felt he deserved to be punished. Personally, Vanessa blamed Fathers stupid faulty robots, but she could never say that to him.

Vanessa had ordered a scoop of chocolate on a cone with a cherry, and Michael had ordered a scoop of cotton candy with sprinkles.

“Do you think that mom is ever coming back?” Michael had asked her, mouth full of ice cream.

“I don't know” Vanessa had replied, gazing wistfully at a group of teenagers inside. She loved her brother, don't get her wrong. But sometimes she wished she could have friends. It was nearly impossible with juggling her home environment and switching schools every time her father threatened someone, or she was picked on for her father being the crazy Freddy's guy. She used to have friends. She used to have someone that she loved and trusted until her psycho father had fucking killed her. She wished she was here with someone her own age, who she could actually have a conversation with. A conversation that wasn't about her monster of a father, or her mother that left, or her dead siblings.

While she was caught in her fantasies, Michael had said something.

“What?” she asked, suddenly feeling guilty for wishing that he wasn't here.

“I said,” Michael pouted, clearly upset that she wasn't listening, “Father told me that the reason that she left was because of me.” Michael's eyes started to fill with tears “b-beauce im a uh- a screw up and-” he cut himself off with a sudden sob and pulled his knees up to his chest. His ice cream left forgotten on the table as he rocked himself back and fourth, still sobbing. Vanessa reflexively put a hand on his shoulder, which proved to do nothing but make him flinch away and cry harder. She withdrew her hand like she had been burned, opting instead to talk to him slowly and calmly.

“Michael hey, shhh” she said, leaning down to be in slightly closer proximity without touching him, or invading his personal space. “Father says a lot of things. Mom isn't gone because of anything you did. She's gone because of him. He didn't treat her fairly, he doesn't treat us fairly. His animatronics are dangerous and unhinged. She didn't want to live like that anymore. Nothing that her child did has anything to do with why she left.”

She tentatively reached a hand out to stroke Michael's hair, and this time he let it happen. His sobs started to slowly calm down as Vanessa kept telling him that everything was alright, that he was safe.

Micheal sniffed and looked up at Vanessa, “you promise?” he asked, the waiver in his voice clear.

“I promise.” Vanessa smiled at him. Michael had shot back his crooked attempt at a smile though the lingering tears. Then, Vanessa pushed his ice cream back towards him and they ate on in silence. They had made it back to their house before Father got home and nothing had come of it. What Vanessa didn't know is that that was the last time she would get to roleplay peace with Michael.

—--------------

“Officer Shelly!” her captain called from the large office when Vanessa walked into work that day. She had just been released from the hospital after her father had stabbed her and left her for dead. If it wasn't for Mike and Abby her rotting corpse would still be in that abandoned children's establishment.

“Good morning, Captain Roberts.” she said as she entered her superior's office. Captain Kim Roberts was a short, thin, dark haired woman with a no nonsense attitude. She wore glasses with thin wire frames, which Vanessa thought fit her face perfectly. She was also the youngest captain on the force. Vanessa was quite fond of her. They were very close before she had been promoted and they maintained that bond while also a higher level of professionalism. Captain Roberts was her boss, after all.

But before she was her boss, Kim was her best friend. She was the first person in her real adult life that Vanessa had told about her father. The full extent. The people he killed, the times he locked her brother in the basement, the way he threw out Christmas gifts their mom sent for them, that time he caught Michael making out with a boy and nearly sent him to the hospital. Kim was always there to listen to Vanessa, and she understood, to an extent. She had a terrible mom, not a murderer, but bad nonetheless. They were destined to be.

“Close my door, Vanessa.” she said curtly, sitting down at her desk and gesturing for Vanessa to sit down also after she had closed the door. Vanessa closed the door and sat tentatively. Captain hadn't called her Vanessa since before she was promoted. She didn't know what this was about but she really didn't want to answer any questions about her father, what had happened, or why she was in the hospital.

“What happened? Why were you in the hospital? Was it your father?” she asked.

Fuck. The triple whammy.

“I- um i really dont think i should be discussing this with my boss but i um- i took the proper sick leave and i filed all the uh- right paperwork and uhm-” she stuttered out, too fast.

“Vanessa” Captain Roberts cut her off. She gave her a look and Vanessa knew what it meant. Vanessa knew that Captain Roberts was more than just her boss. And she knew that Vanessa knew that too.

“Why don't we take a deep breath and try again.” Captain Roberts put her hand soothingly over Vanessa's on the desk. “Im not trying to endanger your job, im not trying to pry into your private life, i just heard that my employee and one of my best friends got fucking stabbed and i wanted to know what was going on”

Vanessa sighed. “Yes, it was my father. He was trying to hurt the people I care about. I tried to stop him. He stabbed me. I was in the hospital, but I'm back now and ready to work, so can I please just put this all in the past and get back to police work?”

Captain Roberts removed her hand from where it rested on top of Vanessa's and folded her own in her lap. She looked unsatisfied with her response. There was something shifting behind her expression that Vanessa couldn't read. She looked like she was trying to find the right words to say. Like Vanessa was some fragile thing that could be broken with the wrong words said to her. Vanessa hated when people looked at her like that. She had survived growing up with William Afton. It had scared her in many ways but at the end of the day it made her stronger.

“Vanessa,” Captain Roberts started, in that tone that Vanessa knew all too well. It was the tone people used when her mom left, when her siblings died, when Charlotte died. Pity. Vanessa really didn't want Captain Roberts to pity her, but she remained silent, wanting to hear out what she had to say.

“Vanessa I know that you joined the force because you want to be nothing like your father,” Kim said, hands coming up to fidget with the edge of the desk, “but the thing is, in all of this, your search for control, don't you think you're starting to become him?”

Vanessa shuddered at that, tears starting to prick in her eyes, but she was too stunned by the accusation to speak.

“In the week leading up to your injury you were always at that disgusting place that your father owned,” Captain Roberts continued, “you just needed to know everything about that new guy working there. About his family. I mean really Vanessa, you went to his house?? Unprompted? That's not police work, that surveillance. You knew this guy for only a couple of days and you distributed police equipment to him to save his sister and fight your father? Vanessa, that's absolutely not within your jurisdiction.” She looked over to Vanessa, who was doing everything within her power to maintain a straight face.

“Yes, ma’am.” Vanessa said, cringing as her voice broke. “Mike and Abby were in trouble. I did my duty and protected them. I'm sorry if I went about it the wrong way.”

Captain Roberts looked at Vanessa with that soft look she used to give her all the time when there was no power dynamic. The look of adoration that belonged to a peer, a friend, a best friend. But then, Captain Roberts steeled herself. She adjusted her glasses and folded her hands back into her lap.

“Vanessa, this doesn't have to be a big deal.” she said, which caused Vanessa to shudder. That almost certainly meant that this was a big deal.

“Listen,” Vanessa said, "I know that my choices haven't exactly been the best or most effective recently,and I know I got stabbed and I was sneaking around and whatever.” she wiped the small lingering tears from her eyes, “but I am a good cop. I am fair and I catch bad people. I serve the law and I know I am not above it. I am nothing like my father.” She realized she was standing now, hands on Captain Roberts desk and she towered over her. “I have never, and will never kill anyone. My duty is to serve and protect, that's what this badge represents and I will not fall short on that duty. You can think I'm crazy all you want but just let me do my job.” Vanessa didn't know that she was holding all that. She mumbled a little “sorry” as she sunk back into her chair.

Kim looked unfazed by her little monologue. Vanessa should've known better than to speak like that to her superior. But it was the only thing she could do aside from begging for her gun and badge back, and she was getting there if Captain Roberts didn't respond positively.

And from the look on her face, she didn't look happy.

“Vanessa, I am suspending you for extended medical leave.” Kim said, stone faced.

Of all the things she could've said, Vanessa wasn't expecting that.

“W-what?” Vanessa spluttered, “but, im all healed? I was discharged from the hospital they said i could return to work, im all stitched up and its healing very very well and-”

“No Vanessa,” Captain Roberts cut her off, "I don't think you're ready to return to work. You were stabbed by your father. That's not something that happens to most people. Have you seen a therapist?”

Vanessa hadn't.

“Yes!” She lied.

“Hmm,” Kim said, not believing her, “well, I am appointing you one. You can come back to work after 6 weeks. You will have sessions twice a week with Dr. Christina Ramos. You can go now Vanessa. I'll see you in six weeks”

Vanessa stared at Kim, almost not believing she was being serious. It wasn't until Kim tilted her head at Vanessa and then swished her eyes to the door that Vanessa realized that she'd been dismissed. She stumbled out of the chair, hustling towards the door.

“Oh and Vanessa?” Captain Roberts said right before Vanessa grabbed the handle to leave. And then, as if reading her mind, she said "they'll report it to me if you just don't go. And then you will not be allowed to return to work.” she said, with a knowing look.

Vanessa nodded sharply, going to leave but hesitating.
“I care about you Vanessa. I want you to get better. That's why I'm doing this. Please remember that. And if you ever need-” Vanessa cut her off by slamming out the door as quickly as humanly possible. She stared at the door she had just closed behind her for half a second before absolutely booking it out of the station.

It wasn't her fault. She didn't mean to get stabbed. She couldn't stand there and listen to KIm talk about how she cared about her after she had just taken away her livelihood. Couldn't hear a woman she once loved dance around that word while telling her that she was broken. That she needed to be fixed before returning to work. Like she was an out of service animatronic at her fathers god forsaken pizza joint.

She got in her car and drove away from the station. She drove for a long time. She got a notification of an email, it was her therapy times for the next six weeks. Fuck, she did not want to do that. But she was stronger than giving up her job and her life because she didn't want to talk about her feelings. She could beat the therapist at her sick little game. She would go for six weeks, only talk about surface level stuff and then boom! She would be magically better and would return to work. She would never show anybody the vulnerable side of her ever again and she would move on with life as usual. Yeah, that's the way that you do therapy.

She could just drive her car off a bridge? Then she wouldn't have to go to therapy, or think about her father, or, oh god, see Mike again. What could she tell him? “Hey Mike, I got suspended from my job because my boss thinks I'm crazy! So I have a lot of free time now, do you want to date me?” That was definitely not the way to win someone over. Did she even want to date Mike? It didn't matter. All that mattered was she was back at square one. No family, no friends, no job.

She took her car to the bridge she knew she could send it off of. She drove over it. She turned around. She drove over it again. She took herself home. She heated up a frozen meal and sat on the couch and regretted being a coward. How was she convinced that she could kill her father when she couldn't even kill herself?

—-------------

The day that Michael stopped talking to her was only a week later. It started as a normal day. She had gotten ready for the day, done her hair in braids, gotten on the bus, and gone to school. She had sat by herself in the lunch room, eating the same sandwich she made for herself and her brother every morning.

She didn't see Michael until dinner time. She had gotten home from school and was working on her homework when Father called her for dinner. Vanessa thought about the dwindling number of people at their dinner table over the years, and it sent a chill down her spine. Father had actually cooked something today, something that looked edible. That was very rare for him. As Vanessa sat, she was served a plate of chicken pot pie. She hushed a thank you to Father, knowing he didn't like talking at the dinner table, but he liked impoliteness even less.

Vanessa looked across the table to her brother, and noticed that he had a black eye. She filed that away to ask him about and help him with later. There wasn't much she could do now without both of them being punished further. So she kept her eyes to herself and tried to drown out Michael's raspy breaths. His nose was definitely broken. She was really worried about him, but what could she do? If she asked or brought him ice now father would probably hit him more, to teach Vanessa a lesson.

They ate in silence for a long minute. Vanessa was trying to force food down , her eyes on her plate, she was on the verge of melting down. Why had Father done that to Michael? Was it not father afterall but someone at school? Why would they do that? Would Michael tell her? Would someone at school report it? Would they be taken away from Father? Sure Father was bad, but he had made it very clear to Vanessa that any foster family would be worse. He wasn't the best father in the world, but he was the only one that could take care of them. She was cut off from her spiraling by Father speaking.

“Michael?” Father said, uncharacteristically soft, but it still made Michael flinch, earning him a glare, but fortunately not a backhand. Father continued, “Michael, why don't you tell Vanessa about the lesson you learned today.”

Vanessa looked up to see Michael swallow around nothing. From the looks of it, he hadn't eaten any of his dinner, just pushed it around his plate. Vanessa worried at her fingernails under the table.

“Vanessa,” Michael started, not looking at her.

“Speak up, boy.” Father barked.

Michael instinctively sat up straighter. He cleared his throat before he continued with words that were clearly rehearsed, not his own.

“Vanessa,” he said, “today I learned that it's not beneficial for me to talk to you.”

Vanessa started at that, but knew she wasn't allowed to talk, to interrupt him, to interrupt fathers words coming from Michael's mouth. She swore she could see the beginnings of tears forming in Michael's eyes.

“I learned,” he continued, “that you are better than me in every conceivable way. I shouldn't burden you with my existence because I am so much lower than you. I am to quietly listen and learn, but I am not to speak to you anymore. It's the only way for me to improve.” Michael choked out.

Vanessa wanted to scream. She wanted to run to her little brother, tell him that he was perfectly fine as he was. She wasn't some sort of perfect example of a child, she was just better at doing what Father wanted, she could teach Michael. She could show him how to behave, it didn't have to be like this! He could follow in her shadow, she would do something. She could convince father, she could-

“Say thank you, Vanessa." Father monotoned, he hadn't looked up from his plate since Michael started talking. Vanessa looked up at him in confusion. Who was she thanking? Father, for teaching the lesson? For beating Michael until he complied? She didn't want to thank him for that.

“Say thank you to your brother for learning his lesson and leaving you alone. Tell him how much better your life will be without him in it.” father said, momentarily taking his eyes from his food to look Vanessa in the eyes as a way to punctuate his sentence.

Vanessa swallowed hard. She looked at Michael, he was looking at her, desperate. He definitely had tears in his eyes now but was desperately trying to hide them from Father. Vanessa didn't want to tell her little brother, her whole world, the reason she stayed in this house, that her life would be better without him. She wanted to tell him he was the reason she hadn't run away, or killed herself. She wanted to tell him he was worth something and father couldn't treat him like this forever. She wanted to tell him that she loved him so much and that everything was going to be ok.

But she couldn't say any of that.

Vanessa drew in a shaky breath.

“Thank you Michael," she said firmly, so her voice wouldn't break. “Thank you for learning your lesson and understanding that your presence hinders me.” she gritted out, “my life will be so much better without you in it.” Her voice definitely broke at the end. But Father didn't seem to notice, or he didn't care.

Michael looked like he was going to vomit. Vanessa didn't feel much better herself.

“Good.” Father said, “glad you both understand your lessons. Now finish your dinners and go to your rooms.”

Michael immediately pushed up from the table and went to his room. Father made a noise of disapproval, but didn’t move to follow him. Vanessa stared at her plate, her appetite had suddenly vanished.

—-------------

For Vanessa's 21st birthday she had no idea what she wanted to do. She knew you're supposed to go out and get drunk for your 21st, but she didn't really have any friends, or a place to go out, or the money to spend on alcohol. Besides, she'd been drinking since she was like 16, it's not even like it would be a novelty to get drunk for the first time. But she made the mistake of telling her coworkers at her terrible minimum wage job that it was her birthday and they decided they were taking her to a club.

She had never been to a club before, she had never had any desire to get a fake ID, she was perfectly content to steal her friends parents alcohol at sleepovers. She'd never even really been to a party, the few people she was close with in high school weren't the party type.

She stood in her apartment, looking at herself in the mirror before going out. Did she deserve to celebrate something so meaningless as a birthday? Nearly everyone in her family had died, why did she get to be the one to make it out? Why was she here? Celebrating adulthood, when she had really been an adult since she was 13. She was about to call it all off and take off this ridiculous birthday dress that she had bought. This was stupid, right? There's no need for her to do this, she doesn't want to be the center of attention. She was about to text her work group chat that she wasn't going, when her doorbell rang.

Shit. That would be Ella Shelly, her coworker with the beautiful amber eyes and long chestnut hair. The coworker that had maybe kinda a little bit convinced Vanessa that she maybe sort of likes girls. She had helped Vanessa pick out this dress for tonight. She had told her that she looked radiant in it. She had been the one to put together this little party.

Vanessa went to the door and opened it, and just as she had suspected, there was Ella. She was practically bouncing up and down waiting for Vanessa.

“Ahh!! There's my birthday girl!! How are you feeling, Ness!?!?!” Ella asked, all excited and giggling and she put a sash around Vanessa that read “birthday girl” and a crown with a 21 on her head.

“Hi Ella” Vanessa replied, faux exasperated at the extravagant nature of the other girl.

“Well can I come in? I have the pregame supplies!” she smiled, holding up a case of what looked like some fruity alcohol and a book of CDs. Vanessa stepped back to let Ella into her apartment, only realizing after how dirty she had left it and blushing slightly. Ella didn't seem to notice though. She was just excitedly chattering to Vanessa about what the night was going to look like. They were planning to leave in about 2 hours after drinking a bit and Ella helping Vanessa put on makeup. She guessed it came with the territory of ‘absent mother’ but she was really terrible at applying her own makeup.

“Can I ask a question?” Vanessa said as Ella messed with trying to get her CD player set up.

“Well I'm pretty sure that just was a question,” Ella giggled slightly to herself, “but, shoot, Ness.”

Ella was the only person who had ever given Vanessa a nickname and she didn't know what to do with it. The attention that Ella gave her was nothing like the attention that Father gave her. Father had an exact image of the Vanessa that he wanted and when he gave her attention she would snap into that image, so as to not disappoint him. But Ella was different. She didn't have an idea of what Vanessa exactly should be. She had an ever evolving idea of what Vanessa was. She wanted Vanessa to be with her in quiet moments and just be exactly who she was. Ella gave her a soft kind of attention, like she was already perfect and all she had to do was be.

“Why are we drinking now if we're going to a club in a few hours?” Vanessa asked.

“Never heard of pregaming? Gosh, Nessy, I'm excited to go with you but I don't have infinite money to get you wasted at the club alone!” she said, lightheartedly ribbing Vanessa for not knowing how things work.

“What do you mean? I'll pay for my own drinks. I don't want you to spend money on me.” Vanessa said firmly leaning against the opposite side of the counter to where Ella was.

That made Ella stop, she looked up from fiddling with her device to stare at Vanessa, mouth agape.

“What?” Vanessa asked.

“No, absolutely not.” Ella said, standing fully upright and crossing her arms. “Vanessa you will under no circumstances spend a single cent on your birthday!! No, nono. I forbid it, do you understand?”

Vanessa balked at the wording, she hadn't been forbid anything since she lived with Father, but it only only took her a second to realize Ella was joking.

Vanessa put her hand to her head in a mock salute.

“Yes ma’am, I will not spend any money on my birthday.” Vanessa let herself laugh after she said it. It had been a long time since she laughed.

“Yes exactly!” Ella applauded, "I will teach you how to flirt with men for free drinks”

Vanessa really hoped her face didn't visibly fall at that. I mean, she liked men. It just wasn't men she was hoping to flirt with tonight. She shook that thought out of her head almost quicker than it appeared. She couldn't be into girls, it was wrong. She remembered what Father had done when Michael-
“Ok lets get your makeup going, Ness!” ella had finally got the CD player working and was gesturing Vanessa over to the bathroom. Vanessa followed, trying really hard to forget whatever was still going on in her mind. She didn't live with her Father, she hadn't seen Michael in three years, but hopefully he'd moved somewhere far away, like California like he used to talk about. It was her birthday, and god dammit she was going to enjoy it. She let Ella talk her ear off while she did her makeup.

When they got to the club, loud blaring music and dancing multicolored lights, Vanessa was immediately overwhelmed. She had never been anywhere like it. Her and Ella meet up with all the other people that Ella had invited. There were a couple people from work, and a couple people that Vanessa knew from volunteering or the gym or whatever. They were all excited to see her. She didnt remember another time where people had been excited to see her. She was able to slip into the crowd of people that- she guessed she could call her friends? Yeah, she was surrounded by friends.

After that everything sort of blurs together. Everyone bought her at least one shot and she was getting sent drinks from strangers thanks to Ella's sash and crown. Maybe they were as stupid as she thought. She spends most of the night following Ella around like a puppy dog. She meets the people who Ella introduces her to, makes small talk, will throw a flirtatious glance when prompted, but her focus is on the girl leading her around.

Vanessa is really drunk. She's so drunk that she can't tell how drunk Ella is, she also can't tell if Ella knows that she's got Vanessa wrapped around her finger.

Vanessa and Ella are sitting at a table, they both have a cocktail in front of them but they’re both mostly untouched. Ella is in the middle of a story about one of her friends. Her brother? Vanessa isn't listening.

“Hey,” Ella says, putting a hand on Vanessa's shoulder, effectively breaking her out of her trance, "you're not listening to me.” she teases, tilting her head playfully and moving her hand to fiddle with Vanessa's hair.

“Sorry,” Vanessa says daisily, “I'm distracted by how pretty you are.” she regrets it as soon as she says it. “I mean uh- not, not like ‘i want to kiss you’ pretty just like uh, the glitter in your makeup its so pretty- its uh- distracting me and-”

“Heyyyyyy,” Ella says, a goofy smile plastered across her face. “I think you're pretty too. Like, I want to kiss you pretty.”

That shut Vanessa up. She didn't think that Ella wanted her, not like that. She had no idea how to proceed from here.

“But,” Ella said, “maybe not in public like this. I mean, this is Utah." she chuckled to herself, still running her fingers through Vanessa's hair. Vanessa was stunned. She didn't care if she had to be kept a secret, she wanted to be with Ella. Ella set her hand on Vanessa's jaw, which was exactly the moment Vanessa's nervous system chose to process that her mouth was hanging wide open. She snapped her mouth closed and drew in a shaky breath.

Ella stayed like that, hand on Vanessa's jaw, smiling lightly, eyes flicking from Vanessa's eyes, to her lips, back to her eyes.

Vanessa swallowed.

“Should we get a cab?” she asked, eyes crinkling in a smile. Ella laughed at that, full belly laughing, and Vanessa, for the second time that night, let herself really laugh too.

—------------

“What do you think they're doing in there?” Charlotte asked Vanessa, momentarily looking up from the coloring pages scattered across Vanessa's floor to indicate the office at the end of the hallway where their fathers have been tinkering and banging around all afternoon.

“I don't know.” Vanessa replied, honestly. She had no idea what her father did in his workshop all day. All she knew was that she wasn't allowed in there, only Elizabeth was. Before Elizabeth went in there and never came out, she was Fathers favorite. When Elizabeth was Fathers little girl, Vanessa could fly under the radar. Now she was his favorite, and only daughter and so she had to be his perfect girl. She could bear it for her little brothers, but she was just exhausted.

“Well, I think that they're kissing.” Charlotte said, returning to her coloring.

“What?!?!” Vanessa squeaked. “Why would they be kissing, what about our moms? I don't think my mom would like it if my dad was kissing your dad.” Vanessa said, wringing her hands.

“I'm just kidding, Vanessa. You get so jumpy.” Charlotte said.

Vanessa relaxed, realizing it was a joke. She didn't like that kind of joke. The kind where you couldn't always tell if the person telling it was actually joking or not. She thought that if someone was going to make a joke it should be announced beforehand. Or they should have a flashing light over their head that says ‘I'm just joking, don't take me seriously’. The thought made her laugh.

“So anyways,” Charlotte continues, “does your dad talk to you? When he comes out of the office?”

Vanessa picks up a different crayon to continue her drawing.

“Sometimes,” she tells Charlotte, “we always have dinner together, but we’re not allowed to talk at the dinner table. Sometimes he tells me I need to do something, like chores or help my brothers with something. My mom talks to me though. She tells me all kinds of things.”

“Like what?” Charlotte asks.

“Well, she had the baby like a year and a half ago so she tells me about what its like to have babies,” Vanessa says, face contorted in concentration on her drawing, trying to get Bonnie's ears exactly right, “and she tells me about when she was in college. I hope I get to go to college one day, it sounds so cool!”

“My dad says that college is the only way to a good future. I dont know though, i mean we still have like ten more years of school, why would you then go and do more on purpose??” Charlotte asks, incredulously. It dawns on Vanessa in that moment that maybe not everyone was obsessed with consuming knowledge like she was. Vanessa wanted to know everything about everything and she was determined to get there. But, apparently, that's not what everyone wanted, including Charlotte.

“I think you'll be great no matter what you do. College or not.” Vanessa tells her. “So does your dad?”

“What?” Charlotte asks, having become preoccupied with finding the color that she needed.

“Does your dad talk to you when he's not working? That's what you asked me. So now I'm asking you the same thing." Vanessa explains.

“Oh,” Charlotte looks up at Vanessa, “no, not really. He spends most of his time working and then the other times he's either sleeping or arguing with someone on the phone. I think it's my mom but I'm not sure. I haven't seen her in a while. She just packed up and left one day. I don't know where she went or if she's coming back. All I know is daddy leaves me food in the freezer so i can heat it up and he's busy. And I guess my mom is busy too.”

“Oh.” Vanessa breathes out, confused. She doesn't know what she would do without her mom. The day Elizabeth went into Fathers workshop and didn't come out there was a lot of yelling. Her mom yelling, specifically. And then after that, there was a lot of quiet. Her mom slept in the guest room that night. Vanessa had crawled into bed with her and her mom had told her that everything was going to be alright. What would Vanessa have done if her mom hadn't been there?

“Yeah.” Charlotte responds.

“Well. At least I'm here.” Vanessa told her, "you're my best friend Charlotte, and nothing can change that.”

“You’re my best friend, Vanessa." Charlotte smiled at her.

The two girls carried on their coloring in silence. It was a comfortable kind of silence. The kind of silence that you can only have with someone you really trust. Charlotte and Vanessa. Vanessa and Charlotte.

—------------

Vanessa and Ella were at a bar, they were celebrating Vanessa's name change. For Vanessa's 23rd birthday Ella had surprised her with enough money to legally change her last name, to wipe away the legacy of being Vanessa Afton. She didn't have to get strange looks at the bank anymore, or refuse to tell people what her last name was, for fear they would think she was a killer too. No, now she could just be Vanessa Shelly. Matching names with the woman she loved.

When Ella had given her the money, on a rainy Tuesday in their shared apartment, Vanessa had asked if she could take Ella's name. She had pulled a small box from her pocket, and started to tear up before she could even get a word out.

“Is this you asking me to marry you?” Ella asked, eyes shining as she looked at Vanessa like she was the most precious thing in the entire world.

“Something like that,” Vanessa said, leaning in to kiss her.

They had been together for two years. Vanessa had moved from her tiny shitty apartment into Ella's slightly bigger shitty apartment last year. They had a cat, and Vanessa had just been accepted into the police academy. The name felt like the very last thing left tying Vanessa to her past life. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world, sitting on the couch in the apartment she shared with the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to her, kissing a ray of sunshine that she somehow managed to call her girlfriend.

Ella had said yes, of course, to the name change. She had gone down to the court house with Vanessa to get all of the papers officially signed. They had dodged all questions about why she was changing her name, somehow, and tonight they were going to celebrate.

It wasn't like they could get married, but this was the closest they could get. Maybe the greater community wouldn't accept them, but here in this moment, surrounded by friends, at a bar that was proudly displaying flags that would get a gun pulled on you anywhere else, she had a wife. Ella was her wife and Vanessa was Ella’s. Maybe she was a little young to be married, but she didn't think so. And it wasn't like she was married in the eyes of the law, so did it really matter? At that moment it really, really didn't.

They knew almost everyone at the bar. All of the regulars recognized them, as they had become regulars themselves. The bartenders all congratulated them when they came in, knowing Vanessa had had a ring in her pocket every day for the past three months. They were bought a round of shots by a couple of friends and were both airy and happy. This was, by all accounts, the best day of Vanessa's life. She never foresaw herself getting married to anyone, let alone a woman she had met at 20.

Ella and Vanessa floated around the dance floor, telling anyone and everyone they could that they now, legally, had the same last name. Vanessa wasn't paying attention to anybody, except for the woman in front of her. The woman she had asked if she could take her last name. The woman who had said yes.

After a couple of rounds of shots, Vanessa and Ella were standing outside the back of the bar, talking about the events of the day, until talking turned into sloppily making out like the other was the only thing in the world that mattered. Vanessa had one hand curled in Ella's hair and the other trailing the distance between her waist and her thigh. Ella had both arms thrown over Vanessa's shoulders, and she was kissing her like she needed it to survive. Vanessa was convinced that she did. Vanessa knew the woman in her arms had taught her that she was deserving of love, she knew that without her she wouldn't be here. She didn't think she would ever be able to tell her just how important she was.

And then, suddenly, Ella was off of her with a sharp, terrified gasp that made Vanessa's heart completely stop.

“What, what's wrong?” Vanessa asked, as Ella's hands flew to her throat. And that's when Vanessa realized. Blood. Tons and tons of blood, pouring from a giant gash in her neck. Vanessa didn't understand, how could this happen? This was Ella, her perfect girl. The girl she thought was untouchable. How could a goddess be bleeding red and not ichor? How was her angel dying on her?

Ella was losing blood fast. The cut was straight to her jugular, Vanessa knew she only had a few minutes, if that. There was nothing she could do. Who would do something like this? Ella collapsed into her arms, and Vanessa caught her with no hesitation. Vanessa looked behind Ella for the perpetrator, and was met with eerie familiar eyes, greasy hair, and too long limbs. Micheal. Her baby brother had just killed the love of her life. On her fucking wedding night.

Vanessa collapsed onto the ground, cradling Ella to her chest.

“Nononono, come on you gotta stay with me, ok Els? Keep your eyes open, you're not dying tonight ok?” Vanessa choked out through sobs.

“i- “ Ella splutters, conviction coursing through her “i think i am dying. Ha- uggh-” she looks like she's in so much pain. Vanessa wishes it was her. Why the fuck wasnt it her?

“Ella please, please stay with me.” Vanessa begged, knowing it was pointless.

“I love you, Nessy.” Ella shudders, her breaths becoming shakier and slower, Vanessa plants a small, last kiss to her lips. Ella smiles, and then she closes her eyes. Vanessa knows that she's not going to open them again.

Vanessa's breath hitches and then she's screaming. Face pressed into Ella's chest, sobbing in a way that makes her think she'll cough up her lungs and never be able to breathe again.

“God, can we cut the fucking dramatics?” asks the voice that Vanessa had forgotten was standing by, nonconsensually watching her mourn the only good thing that had ever happened to her. “Jesus, she was just some girl. You don't have to act like it's the end of the world or some shit.” Michael slurs out. He's drunk. Hes really fucking drunk.

Vanessa snaps her head up to look him in the eye. She hadn't seen him since she was 18 years old. It had been five years since she had seen her brother, almost ten since they had had a full conversation. And here he was, at a place just for her, ruining absolutely everything. Just like he always had.

“Michael what the actual fuck are you doing? Why did you kill her, why do you care what I'm doing, why are you here?” She was desperate for answers. Did Father send him? Did he find out about Ella?

Micheal sneered at her.

“Oh, Nessy-”

“Dont fucking call me that” she spat. Michael just put his hands up. He had this terrible expression on his face, like she was dirt under his shoe, not his older sister who had given everything for him.

“Vanessa,” Michael slurred, “did you really think that you could commit blasphemy and your family wouldn't find out? Did you actually believe that you had gotten away? You aren't off the hook just because you changed your name. Afton is in your blood.”

“How did you know I changed my name?” Vanessa had gone quiet. If he was going to monologue at her then she would just go off herself after this conversation was over. Better yet, she'd make Michael taste the blade he'd killed Ella with before using it to slit her own wrists. That was the only logical course of action she could think of at this moment.

Michael was laughing at her. He truly had the audacity to destroy everything good and then actually laugh at her.

“Vanessa!” he said through his laughter, “you told everyone! Everybody in there knows!” he gestured towards the bar, "there's no way you're actually stupid enough to go around blabbing to anyone and everyone and then be shocked- HA- when your own brother knows your secret! If you could even call it that. I mean- HA- i know i havent seen you in a while but I really thought you were smarter than this, Vanessa.” Michael wipes his eyes, his laughter finally drifting away.

Vanessa snaps.

“Well then, why don't you fucking kill me then, Michael?” she screams, the dead girl in her lap her only reminder of a time when she would've been rational. “If im truly so fucking stupid and you and Father have to conspire to, what, put a stop to the gays by killing one innocent girl? Guess fucking what Micheal, this shit doesnt make you straight, I know that you arent. So if you have this much fucking convition then fucking kill me too.” She's out of breath, growling at the nearly skeletal remains of her younger brother.

He doesn't seem as confident now, it was easy to sneak up on a girl and slit her throat from behind, but not so easy to look your sister in the eyes while she begs you to kill her too.

“Vanessa- i uh-” Micheal is unsure of what to do, aware that he's lost the upper hand but unsure what to do about it.

“God Michael,” Vanessa spits,”Father was right. You’re a fucking waste of a person. My life was so much better without you in it. Everyone would be better off if you fucking killed yourself.” She doesn't even know where the words come from, but she doesn't feel bad. The remains of the beautiful life she could have lived laid lifeless in her arms, what was she supposed to say? ‘I forgive you baby brother just like ive forgiven you for every other fucking thingyouve ever done’? Vanessa wasn't a saint. She had her limits.

Michael looked genuinely hurt by what Vanessa said. Good. She wanted to make him feel exactly what she was feeling at that moment. She knew it wasn't possible to make him understand, but if she could make him feel even a fraction of the amount of grief she was feeling, then that was good enough.

That's when Michael made up his mind. He wiped the knife on his sleeve, and started running away. Vanessa had no idea where he was going. She didn’t fucking care.

“You’re a coward, Michael!" she screamed after him, “you’re a fucking coward Michael Afton!” she turned back to the girl in her lap. She sobbed into her chest, maybe for hours, maybe for days, before someone found them. What the fuck was she supposed to do now?

—-----------------

“Is that what this has been about?” Vanessa is asking Mike. He had just accidently slipped up and told her he was trying to fix her, when she had just been trying to warn him that Abby was in danger. Mike shook his head, but he didn't have anything to say for himself.

“You know what? I can take care of myself, you just have to watch out for Abby.” she said firmly, storming off of Mike's porch and to her car. She hopped in the driver's seat, slamming the key into the ignition and peeling away from the Schmidt house as fast as she possibly could. Ugh, why did she do that? Abby is in danger and she didn't tell Mike because her damned pride got in the way.

He was asking her about Charlotte, asking why she didn't tell him about one of the most traumatizing things that's happened in her life? Well Mikey, there's a long list. You'd better sit down if you actually want to hear about all of the terrible things that have happened to Vanessa. God, why would Vanessa have told Mike about her best friend that died 20 years ago? Why would she have told him anything? They'd gone on one date. He didn't know her soul. He probably didn't even know her favorite color.

But, she cared about him. And she cared about Abby, she really really didn't want to see her hurt. Maybe she'll call Mike later. Or she'd just go to Freddy's and sort this out herself. Fuck, she really did not want to do that. Why couldn't she have been born into a normal family? Driving around always helped her make decisions. She touched one hand to the ring she kept on the ribbon tied to her rearview mirror. Fuck her life was so unnecessarily complicated.

She knew that Charlotte was behind whatever was going on with Abby, and if anyone could reason with Charlotte, it was Vanessa. But part of her just wanted to buy the next one way plane ticket to Los Angeles and change her name and become a new person and forget about her family and Freddy's and everyone she's ever loved and lost. But she knows she can't do that, and besides with her luck she'd probably just get an animatronic showing up at her front door to kill her anyways.

Why was Mike suddenly so prying about her life? He knew her father was a monster, he honestly knew more about her parentage than she lets most people. Why couldn't he just be happy with what he got? Why couldn't Abby just be content to go to school with living children? Why did Vanessa care so much? What is it about Mike and Abby that makes her feel protective?

She would go to Freddys. She's not going to let Abby, or anyone for that matter, get hurt. But especially Abby. She would go be brave Vanessa, like always. She would save the day and get zero credit, just like it's always been for her entire life. And she would do it without complaint. Everyone was going to be safe under Vanessa's watch. She had learned not to let her guard down. If she did, someone would get hurt. She couldn't handle any more loss.

She takes a deep breath, steeling herself, before turning the car in the direction of Freddy’s.

—------------

Vanessa was frantically throwing all of her clothes into suitcases and boxes. Today was her 18th birthday. This morning, she was driving herself to school and she was never ever coming back to this house. It was nearly 6 am and she needed to be packed and out before Father woke up. She doesn't want to know what he would do if he knew she was leaving. She doesn't want to know what he's going to do to Michael when she does leave.

Vanessa swallows, telling herself that whatever he does is not her fault. Father is a psychopath and Vanessa can't be held responsible for what he does in her absence. Ahh, but it's not just in her absence, it's because of it. How can she tell herself she's not at fault when it's directly her choices that affect the outcome? She shudders, pushing down the wave of guilt. She is not her father. Her actions are her own, and his are his own.

She's creeping down the stairs and out the front door with the very last of her stuff when she hears a voice at the top of the stairs.

“What are you doing?” Vanessa freezes, heart stopping in her chest. At first, she thinks its Father, but then she realizes that the voice is too small and unsure. Father is always confident in everything he says and does, no this was someone else.

“Michael,” Vanessa says, very quietly, “please don't wake Father. I have to leave, I hope you understand. I can't stay here anymore, I'm going to die if I stay one second longer." She knows she will never be able to tell him or explain in a way that won't hurt his feelings. He's 16 years old but looks maybe 12. He's so thin. She doesn't know how she's never noticed how unhealthy he looks before. It's like he's been intentionally hiding it until this moment.

“Please don't leave without me.” he whispers, voice breaking and tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “Please don't make me stay here alone.” He looks like it's his dying wish. Like if she goes and leaves without him he will simply disintegrate into a pile of dust. How could she do that to her little brother? She wants to tell him that she would never leave him, that she would always be here for him, that she loves him so much. But she can't lie to him. Just as she's about to respond, there's a noise behind Michael.

“What is going on?” comes the gruff, unmistakable voice of Father. Vannessa has been caught and there is nothing she can do but run. Michael slams back into his bedroom as Vanessa flies out the front door. She throws her bags into the car, knowing Father can't be far behind her, and her theory is confirmed when there's a firm hand on her arm.

“And where exactly do you think you're going?” he asks Vanessa.

“School, have you ever heard of it? Its the place that im legally required to go every day so i dont end up fucking stupid or crazy like someon-aH-” shes cut off by Father squeezing her arm, hard. She tries to pull out of his grasp but her efforts are futile.

“You watch your mouth, Vanessa Afton.” he says, steady and firm, the anger and heat only just beginning to build in the back of his throat.

“Let go- you're hurting me!” Vanessa shrieked, clawing at his iron grasp with her one free hand.

“I believe that I asked you a question, Vanessa.” Father growled in her face. “Where do you possibly think you are going?”

“Anywhere!” Vanessa gasped, still struggling against Father. “Anywhere would be better than here! I'm eighteen now, you can't keep me here anymore.” Her vision was starting to go white around the edges from the pain. She didn't understand how Father was squeezing her so tight. Maybe all the time he spent working on machines was finally turning him into one.

Father used the leverage of her arm to throw Vanessa onto the ground. She was kneeling next to the packed car. She had been so close to leaving without incident. She couldn't blame Michael, though. He just wanted to say goodbye. She did love him. He just couldn't come with her, and they both knew that.

“You are seriously trying to run away without a plan?” Father sneered down at her. She felt like she was going to throw up. She'd never been on the receiving end of fathers temper like this before. “Who do you think is going to take in a poor little broken thing like you?” he asked, "I am your creator, I am the only one who truly knows you, Vanessa!" She noticed that he called himself her creator instead of her father, but she didn't know what to make of it. She was waiting for the tirade to be over so she could leave as fast as possible.

“These are rhetorical questions, girl!” he bellowed, leaning down ever so slightly to spit in her face. “Where the fuck are you going, huh?”

“I- um-” Vanessa started, she wasn't aware that he actually wanted an answer and not just to scream at her.

“Quit fucking stuttering and speak up. Nobody can hear you when you talk like that.” Father scoffed. Vanessa straightened her back.

“I am going to go stay with a friend for a week or two.”

“Oh, a friend are you? I'm sure that's the honest truth, the last time I checked you didn't have any friends, let alone people who would be willing to let you stay with them for an extended period of time. I mean, seriously, who would let someone like you into their lives long enough to even consider it?” Vanessa felt herself shrinking into the ground. The rough gravel digging into her knees was the only thing keeping her from drifting away into nothing.

“And then what?” Father asked, snapping Vanessa back to him with his grating voice. “Where will you go when a week or two is up? Or, let's be honest, after the ‘friend’ gets sick of you. Then what?” He looks at her for answers.

“I was thinking maybe college-” she had graduated a couple months beforehand and had gotten into the state university with a decent scholarship and she thinks that she could make it work if she-

“What what money?” Father barks out a laugh. “Because you sure as shit aren't getting a cent from me after pulling this.” Father stands fully now and faces away from Vanessa, as if he can't bear to look at her.

Vanessa thinks on the spot.

“Well maybe I could go live with mom.” she says, cockily, before Father immediately rounds on her.

“Your mother is fucking dead.” he roars. Vanessa recoils, because no, that can't be true. She sees the letters from her that Father throws away. She still has the one that she received all those years ago, it was one of the first things she packed. Her mother would be young and healthy, how could she have died? This is some sort of sick trick.

“What? No- you- you’re lying.” she says flatly causing Father to storm. He gathers his arms up like he's going to hit Vanessa and then he decides against it. He turns away from her again.

“Your mother died two years ago. From cancer. You can think im lying all you want, by all means, go try to find her, just don’t come crawling back to me when you're homeless on the street with nobody who cares, because I fucking dont.” he stomps back to the front door, throwing it open and stepping inside. But before he fully disappears from sight he leaves her with one more thing.

“But Vanessa, remember,” he looks almost sincere as he meets her eyes for the last time, “you will always be an Afton. You will always serve a purpose. You can run and you can hide but you will never escape me.” Father grins at her. Vanessa doesn't respond. He slams the door, leaving his eldest child on her knees in the rough gravel outside of his house, car packed with every belonging she deemed necessary behind her. Vanesses hears the lock of the front door click shut. She's completely, entirely alone.

—----------------

Vanessa stands in Mike's doorway, watching him, Abby and Jerimiah drive away to a safer, brighter tomorrow. Vanessa knew there wasn't such a thing waiting for her. All that was waiting for her was a lonely life for a lonely woman full of lonely things. Nothing had ever gone right for Vanessa Shelly. Everything was wrong about her.

As she was about to go get in her car, she felt a presence behind her. It hit her half a second too late that they had turned the music box off. Maybe this was Vanessa's destiny? She accepted that there was nothing left worth fighting for, and gave into Charlotte's grasp. Everything around her started fading to black. This was the thing her whole life was leading up to. She was ready.