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“Maybe he’ll let me kiss him today, if I act really nice. I mean, he usually lets me kiss him every third hangout and now is the fourth hangout so it’s about time, right? I mean, yeah, it’s true that last time I kinda took things too far and he got mad at me but I genuinely did think the mood was right and flying across the room definitely smacked some sense into me. I’m a changed man now, so maybe if I just leaned a bit closer to him while he’s still focused on this dumb video game and—”
“Don’t even try,” Saiki warns, his lips pressed together in a frustrated line.
Toritsuka jumps so high his head might as well hit the ceiling. “I wasn’t trying to—”
Saiki gives him a look. Toritsuka shuts up at once and they both slowly turn back to the video game, which is actually dumb. Toritsuka found it from the back of some store, covered in spiderwebs and dust, according to his words and thoughts, at least.
“Maybe I should’ve set the mood by buying an eroge. Do I pass for an adult yet? And would Saiki be into those? I don’t really wanna get caught buying some gay porn game, but I don’t even know if he likes girls as well.”
It’s just a bit amusing how he lets all his thoughts run wild no matter the occasion. Like he keeps forgetting that Saiki can hear everything.
It’s partly Saiki’s own fault, though. He keeps trying to ignore the weird parts, even though he knows they will eventually have to come up. Relationships, especially romantic ones, can’t just stay the same forever, no matter how much Saiki likes things never changing.
“You look like the spitting image of a teenage boy,” Saiki informs him while still trying to progress through the laggy level. “And if you have any speculations about my sexuality, you might as well ask instead of coming to your own conclusions.”
“Oh, well!” Toritsuka grins awkwardly, scratching his calf as they sit on the floor of Saiki’s bedroom in the dim lighting of the bedside lamp and the TV screen. “Uh, I didn’t really think I’d get a response if I asked.” Fair enough. “But, you know, you’re the first guy I’ve ever liked, so it’s not like I’ll judge you if you do or don’t like girls. There are so many labels for these things on the net that sometimes it gets confusing. I don’t even know what I am.”
He scoots a bit closer and Saiki holds back from scowling out of instinct. Like a gross but endearing puppy, Toritsuka rests his chin on the pink-haired boy’s shoulder and smiles. “Tell me all about your preferences and fantasies, Saiki.”
“...I guess my preference is you,” Saiki admits bitterly. “I’ve never liked anyone else.”
“Then how come I haven’t gotten a kiss in four visits?”
He scoffs, about ready to fling Toritsuka to the other end of the room again.
“I’m not the one giving the kisses. It’s always you when I let you,” he says, because it’s true, but it’s also true that he doesn’t usually mind them. They don’t feel like much to him, but they make Toritsuka happy, and he has been wondering how the boy would react if Saiki did actually surprise him with a kiss.
“Okay, then how come I haven’t gotten a kiss in the four months we’ve been dating?” Toritsuka asks instead. Saiki holds back a sigh. “I get that you wanna take your time, and that’s totally cool, but… I don’t know. I guess I always pictured dating to be different.”
“Different as in straight, you mean?”'
“That’s not—” Toritsuka interrupts himself and sits back up, rubbing his knees nervously. “It’s not like I don’t think you’re hot, since you totally are, weirdly enough, and you don’t even know how many boners I’ve gotten over you when you haven’t been around to read my thoughts and I don’t care that you’re a guy at all, and I actually kinda like the fact that you’re a guy even if your girl form is hot too, and I should really just shut up already, shouldn’t I?”
“Maybe while you’re still ahead,” Saiki sighs. Toritsuka nods obediently before staring down at his lap. His thoughts turn into static, which Saiki has interpreted as his inner monologue being such a big mess of different thoughts and worries that it’s impossible for even Saiki to make sense of any of it. In fact, the pitch quickly turns so high that Saiki nearly has to plug his ears to prevent the sting.
This never really happened before they were together. Saiki doesn’t like to think that Toritsuka started worrying more once they started dating. It’s most likely just because they see each other more often now, so naturally he witnesses more breakdowns.
“...Do you really want me to say that I thought I’d get to fool around a lot when I started dating someone?” Toritsuka asks as he pulls his knees to his chest and hugs them. “I dunno, it’s not like I want to do anything if you’re not up for it, but… it’s just not what I expected.”
Saiki would like to remind his boyfriend of the fact that he has a perfectly working right hand, but that probably wouldn’t be fair. He’s obviously never been in a relationship before, but from all the shows he’s seen and books he’s read, intimacy is a pretty important part of dating.
It’s not for him, though, but he knows he’s the abnormal one in that regard. And while he yearns to blend in and be normal like everyone else, he doesn’t want to jump in bed just for that purpose. That probably wouldn’t be fair to Toritsuka either.
“I have to keep blinking if I want to see you properly,” Saiki admits, lowering his controller. Toritsuka looks at him, cheek pressed against his own knees. “Most of the time I just see your flesh. I can’t say that I exactly find that attractive.”
“Ouch,” the other boy chuckles weakly. “My bag of bones ain’t good enough for you?”
“I’m just saying that I can’t tell if I find you attractive in the same way as you find me, because I don’t know what that is supposed to feel like.”
Toritsuka stares for a moment, his thoughts unnervingly blank. Then he straightens his legs and leans a bit closer to Saiki. “Alright. Can’t say I’m not a bit hurt, but I know it’s not personal.” His fingers tap against the floor, probably unconsciously. Toritsuka does get a lot of nervous jitters. “We could try to do stuff to see if you’re into it, and if you totally hate it and never want to touch me again, then… I’ll just jerk off a lot more in the future, I guess.”
He must read between the lines, or maybe Saiki is making some sort of a face, because Toritsuka properly turns to face him and says, “I get that I’m a lot. Like, even I know there’s something wrong up here.” He points at his head before laughing awkwardly. “And you know I’m working on it, but… I don’t know! Am I the weird one here for wanting more?”
They’re probably both extremely weird. Toritsuka would hump a doorknob if it started vibrating. Saiki would never have seriously thought about himself engaging in anything sexual if it weren’t for Toritsuka. Two ends of some awful spectrum, now mushed together in an incompatible relationship.
Nothing can ever work out if neither of them are willing to adapt.
“...Okay,” Saiki whispers even if his lips never move.
Toritsuka blinks. “Huh?”
“I can try it. With you.”
“You want to?”
“I’m not against it. I guess I just… don’t want things to change if I decide I never want to do it again.”
“They won’t, I swear!” Toritsuka promises, palms pressed together. He glances at the bedroom door. “Your folks are gone overnight, right?”
“I’ll hear them approaching early on if they decide to surprise us,” Saiki says with a shrug.
“That’s such a turn-off.” Toritsuka quickly looks around the room. “I’m so used to ghosts that they never really bother me even if I’m jerking off.”
“Of course that wouldn’t bother you.”
“Hey, what else am I meant to do!” Toritsuka whines, but quickly grows quiet. He looks Saiki up and down, and Saiki had never been the subject of such a stare, at least in his male form, before Toritsuka came along.
“Holy shit. Can I actually touch him?”
He doesn’t mind it, really. Touching. Toritsuka’s not even that affectionate in public, so it’s fair to assume he’d want more closeness behind closed doors. So why doesn’t Saiki? Why is he perfectly fine with the way things are?
“Just do something instead of drooling,” Saiki says, deadpan, and Toritsuka snaps his parted lips back together. As the pink-haired boy leans back against the side of his bed, Toritsuka’s hand hovers over him, like he’s unsure of where to touch.
Then his hand boldly grabs Saiki’s chest over his sweater vest.
“Woah,” Toritsuka whispers, squeezing.
“There’s nothing there,” Saiki informs him. All Toritsuka is squeezing is the fabric of his clothes. This can’t possibly be arousing to him. But Saiki looks at him, and his eyes are wide in awe and he’s grinning.
Once a pervert, always a pervert, apparently.
“Saiki’s boo— No, Saiki’s chest. I’m actually touching him. Holy shit. He’s real. He’s actually real.”
Saiki eyes him. “Were you doubting that?”
Toritsuka brings his own eyes back up to face Saiki instead of whatever imaginary cup size he was trying to conjure through all the grabbing. “No, I mean— I usually think like that when I touch someone. Some kinda instinct, I guess?” He gropes a bit more, trying to cup something that is not there. It’s a bit funny. “I know you’re not a ghost, but I can’t really help thinking it.”
“I wouldn’t have tried to get rid of you so bad at first if I was a ghost.”
“No, I’m not doubting you, I—” Toritsuka squeezes a bit too roughly and Saiki grunts in disapproval. “Sorry.” He releases his grip. “You know how messed up I was as a kid. I did a lot of… stuff to cope. Like hugging everyone. Touching people when I shouldn’t have just because I wanted to be sure. Wow, thinking back, the other guys really hated me back then.”
“You went around harassing guys too?” Saiki asks. And here he thought he was special, getting his nonexistent chest fondled.
“I didn’t really wanna brag about getting my ass beat during recess for hugging some delinquents,” Toritsuka says with a somber chuckle. Then he rants rather casually, “Geez, I really hope I’m not some weird masochist now for conditioning myself to get used to getting scolded or beaten after expressing affection.”
“You should bring this up in therapy.”
Toritsuka looks at him and laughs, his smile a bit gentler this time around. It’s not a bad sight to look at if Saiki just forgets the masochism implications a few seconds prior.
“It’s kinda funny how you’re like the only one I can open up to about this. Well, aside from the ghosts, but talking to the problem can never really solve the problem, can it?” He sighs deeply, like people do after sharing too much and when planning to brush it all off. “Anyway, can I take off your shirt?”
Saiki looks down at his body. He doesn’t mind, but he doesn’t really know how far he should go just because he doesn’t mind it. At some point he should want it in order to progress, right?
“Yeah, if you take yours off too,” is what he settles on saying.
Toritsuka blinks. Then he grins way too maniacally, probably to look normal only to end up looking like he’s losing it. “Right. Yeah. For sure.” He looks down at his own hoodie — it’s a bit cold to go around wearing just his samue. “But yours first, okay?”
He reaches forward to slip his hands under Saiki’s sweater vest and start tugging it off him, hands shaking. He’s always just as nervous even though Saiki can literally hear his thoughts.
“I almost forgot. He doesn’t know about them… right?”
Saiki observes Toritsuka before his vision momentarily gets blocked by the fabric flashing past his eyes. He quickly pushes his glasses back in place once the vest is gone.
“I think my sleeves are usually long enough to hide them, but he’s still a psychic.”
Toritsuka can barely keep still for long enough to grasp the top button of Saiki’s dress shirt and undo it.
“I can’t hide them forever, regardless of if we do it or not. Will he find them weird? I mean, he most likely won’t care, but it’s still weird, right? Totally not a turn-on.”
He goes down the line of buttons until he has finally managed to unbutton the last one, trembling in place like he could explode any second. Surprisingly, Toritsuka looks Saiki in the eyes, his own brows furrowed.
“What if this is my only chance at doing anything more with Saiki and he gets so freaked out by my stupid arms that he kicks me out?”
Then they just look at each other. Toritsuka’s not even trying to pull the white shirt off Saiki’s shoulders. Saiki blinks, a bit unnerved by how hard Toritsuka is trying to drill holes into his eyes with his gaze.
He’s not just going to ask. If Toritsuka is so worried about something like that but still wants them to see each other naked, then he should be brave enough to bring up his troubles by himself.
Toritsuka sighs.
“So this is the one time he doesn’t call me out for my thoughts.”
Saiki sighs in turn. “I’ve known about them for pretty much the whole time.”
Toritsuka blinks. Purses his lips. Nods, albeit slowly. “Of course you have. Wow. There’s really nothing you don’t know.” He chuckles and leans back against the bed too, throwing his head back. “Why’d you never ask, then?”
“I didn’t care.”
“Harsh.”
“And you never even thought about them before we started dating, so I figured they weren’t a big deal to you.”
“They’re not! I mean, not really, but…” Toritsuka blows out a long breath of air. “It’s kinda different to accept that that was just the stuff I did to survive as a kid than to accept that my boyfriend will eventually have to see them and be able to assume anything he wants from them.”
“What’s there to assume?” Saiki asks. “I can see you naked for three seconds before I start seeing through skin. I haven’t really spent any of those three seconds looking at your arms. Or thighs.”
“That’d feel better if I could at least joke that you were always busy staring at my ass, but… You really just didn’t care enough to think about them, right?” Toritsuka asks with a sad laugh.
“Are you upset about that?”
“...No, I guess I’m not.” Toritsuka drums his fingers against his thighs absent-mindedly. “I mean, this is better than, I dunno, asking some girl over and having to explain that it was a while ago and I don’t do it anymore and I don’t get off on it or anything.”
“So there is no problem,” Saiki confirms, not a question but not really a statement either. “There would be, if you still did that, but you don’t.”
“You’re right, I don’t. It was just… a dumb thing in elementary and middle school. Things changed a lot when I transferred to PK. When I met you, and I guess everyone else, too.”
“How did the ghosts react to that?”
Toritsuka shrugs. “They’d laugh sometimes. Or cry for me. Or start screaming.” He then claps his hands together enthusiastically with no warning. “Anyway! We aren’t here to talk about whatever stupid stuff I used to do. Let’s get you naked.”
He bolts back up to sit and pulls the shirt off Saiki’s shoulders and arms. Saiki blinks rapidly as Toritsuka tosses the shirt away and turns back to him. He is taller than Saiki, which is apparent even when he’s stripped down to his bones. The purple in his hair is annoyingly intense and the shagginess doesn’t exactly help with making good impressions, but it suits him, which is annoying too. It’s clear that he isn’t ugly, which makes the ugliness of his personality all the more devastating.
“You’re less scrawny than I thought,” Toritsuka hums. He pokes Saiki’s stomach gently, and the skin-to-skin contact is a bit surprising. He’s very warm to the point that Saiki can tell he’s sweaty from a single poke.
“Overall, I’m very average for my age,” Saiki says, like being called well-built was an insult. “You’re the one who’s weirdly toned.”
“I am?” Toritsuka asks, blinking. Then he grins and declares, “Woah, Saiki has checked me out before! Should I flex my arms?”
Saiki huffs with mild amusement.
“You have to take the hoodie off first.”
Toritsuka’s arms fall, having already been ready to tense his muscles. “...Right.” He sighs.
“Fuck.”
“Just look away for three seconds and then never blink again, alright?” he tries with a pathetic chuckle. Saiki just stares, and Toritsuka accepts his fate.
“Maybe if my dad loved me or if my grandparents weren’t dead or if anyone wanted to be my friend back then or if literally anyone showed me affection or if I wasn’t stuck alone in that room all the time or if I didn’t rot my brain away with porn or if—”
“Then what?” Saiki asks as Toritsuka’s halfway out of his hoodie, head still hidden inside. His skintone is a little bit more tan than Saiki’s. If he never spoke, most girls would think he’s the ideal guy.
…And here Saiki is, thinking that Toritsuka’s personality is weirdly the most endearing part about him.
“...Huh?” Toritsuka asks as he shrugs the hoodie off, stripping it off his arms. Saiki looks away.
One.
Two.
“If those things didn’t happen, then what?”
Three.
Saiki doesn’t blink.
“Uh… I’d be normal, I guess.”
“None of that happened to me and I’m pretty sure I’m not exactly normal either.”
Toritsuka sits back and lets his hands fall onto his thighs. He laughs and says, “Way to brag about your happy upbringing, Saiki.” He looks down at his arms. Saiki’s eyes are already burning. “At least it numbed the brain, you know.”
“I’d stay up all night every night until my wrist hurt.”
“But now I’m here and I just feel like a creep.”
“I wonder if it’d help if I chopped it off.”
“Your creepiness hasn’t increased since I first met you,” Saiki points out. “I know you’re just insecure, but I literally don’t care for your scars or what you did in the past. I’m not trying to be mean, but those things genuinely don’t affect how I view you.”
Toritsuka frowns, based on the way his muscles twitch.
“Maybe I’d feel better if you at least felt sorry for me.”
Saiki sighs. He makes a point of looking Toritsuka straight in the eyes before blinking, and then immediately looking back down.
They’re naked human arms, alright.
“It would’ve been for the better if you didn’t have to resort to things like that,” Saiki says, blinking every three seconds. “But you can’t change the past.”
“You’re one to talk,” Toritsuka chuckles as he awkwardly rubs his other arm.
“And what if you could change it?” Saiki asks, which makes Toritsuka pause. “What if you had a good dad and a happy childhood and all the friends in the world and became popular and had a girlfriend for each finger?”
“Um…”
“You probably would’ve hated me, if we would’ve ever even met.”
That makes Toritsuka go completely still.
“I’m not saying you can’t think back and realize that everything was screwed up back then.” Saiki sighs and resumes blinking normally, because keeping it up was a bit bothersome. “But if there’s nothing you can do about it, isn’t it better to just try to make the most of what you have now?”
“But I don’t,” Toritsuka hesitates, his lip quivering, “like what I am now.” He looks down, as if saying it out loud was different from just thinking it. He pulls his arms close, almost like he was hugging himself, and says, “I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything with me, but I can’t tell if wanting it so bad is a part of my issues or if it’s… normal.”
Toritsuka burying his head in his hands and yelling actually manages to surprise Saiki.
He groans, “I wish I was normal.”
“Tell me about it,” Saiki tries, even if fully aware that he is being less than comforting.
What is he meant to say? That Toritsuka should keep yearning for some ideal that isn’t really there just because Saiki is doing the same thing?
“You’re not pressuring me, though,” is what he ends up pointing out. “I could easily cut your hands off if you got too close.”
“But it’s not something you’d ever initiate on your own,” Toritsuka responds, his words muffled by his hands.
“Because I don’t feel the need for it.”
“Isn’t that a part of the problem? Like, I’m not saying you need to change, because I know you wouldn’t even if you could, but,” Toritsuka lowers his hands and just stares into his palms for a second, “I do feel kinda unwanted sometimes, you know.”
Saiki sighs, because he doesn’t really have any arguments left. Toritsuka’s right.
“...I’m so stupid.”
Saiki gathers all the strength in the world to scoot forward and press his hand against Toritsuka’s chest. It’s hard enough to surprise him, and clearly, the prodding surprises Toritsuka too.
“What are you—”
“I’m initiating.” He runs his hand down Toritsuka’s chest until his fingers are brushing his abdomen. Even if it’s just to get Toritsuka off his case, it doesn’t bother him. The boy shivering under his touch isn’t really off-putting, either. “You don’t even work out.”
“Huh?”
“You should be softer,” Saiki hums in thought, quite preoccupied with poking his boyfriend’s stomach.
“I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or an insult,” Toritsuka chuckles sadly, but still leans back on his hands to let Saiki continue exploring. “I mean, with you, it’s usually both. You can’t handle just being honest, you know?”
“I’m not impressed, if that’s what you mean. I’m just telling the truth.”
“Well… you sure are fondling me an awful lot for someone not impressed,” Toritsuka points out right as Saiki’s fingers brush below his belly button. He scoffs and tries to remove his hand, but Toritsuka grabs his wrist. “Hey, can you quit with the whole tsundere act? I’m not saying I mind it.”
He glares at the boy. “Never use that word in relation to me again if you want to keep that hand.”
Toritsuka smiles stupidly, his eyes wide. “...Yes, sir.”
Then his eyes lower to Saiki’s body, and he releases the boy’s wrist to touch his stomach instead of his chest.
“You’re not bad either,” he says, his knuckles grazing over bare skin. “Surprisingly soft. I thought you’d feel like a rock.”
Saiki shivers and Toritsuka stops. Saiki stops. Toritsuka looks up with wide eyes and Saiki glares at him.
“Don’t—”
“Holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he reacted, holy shit, he—”
“You’re hopeless,” Saiki sighs, turning his head away. His skin tingles.
“Yeah,” Toritsuka mumbles as if dazed. Then, suddenly, his palm presses flat against the skin under Saiki’s belly button and he leans close. “I want a kiss, Saiki.”
His warm breath hits Saiki’s cheek and he can see the puppy dog eyes from the corner of his own. He’s not against it, but with the way Toritsuka’s already panting, Saiki’s a bit worried about how far things will progress.
“I like kissing you. Your lips are soft. You turn so red even if you never admit it. When I pull away, you always kinda look like you wouldn’t mind leaning back in—”
“Enough.”
Saiki exhales and faces Toritsuka again. He sees the desperation and, hell, he hears the desperation, and it’s not that any of what the boy is saying is false, but Saiki has the briefest worry that eventually this unbalanced affection will wear out.
He used to think he wouldn’t mind it, if it all suddenly ended. Dating Toritsuka didn’t especially inconvenience him, but he’d be just fine without that aspect in his life.
But Saiki’s the first one to see that deep pout and those pleading eyes, and it annoys him how much he likes that he’s the only one.
Saiki hesitantly leans forward and presses their lips together. It’s sheer luck that Toritsuka has yet to start drooling, but he immediately pushes back to kiss harder. Saiki gets pinned against the side of the bed, kind of enjoying Toritsuka’s fumbling with trying to establish a makeout session when they’re both still so awkward with the act, but then the boy’s fingers dip under the waistband of Saiki’s trousers.
Right. That part.
Toritsuka pulls away and frowns, his fingers not pushing farther down Saiki’s pants. Just resting under the elastic. “Guess I’m not that good at kissing.”
Saiki glances down and feels the slightest bit amused and charmed.
“Does that mean that I am?”
“Totally,” Toritsuka says so sincerely even though he has no one to compare Saiki to. “Can I… continue?”
His nails are short, just slightly brushing against Saiki’s skin. He knows Toritsuka sometimes bites them, but the edges are not sharp this time around. Therefore, there probably will not be any injuries.
“Yeah,” Saiki confirms, and Toritsuka grins like he just won the lottery. As his hand pushes deeper down, Saiki hesitates before reaching for Toritsuka’s own pants.
He’s so damn loud that Saiki starts thinking his parents might hear what the two boys are up to before Saiki hears them coming home.
-
“Kusuo? You will never believe it!”
Saiki exits the bathroom to see his parents in the doorway, soaked from head to toe from the sudden rain.
“Turns out I accidentally booked the hotel for next Friday instead,” his dad laughs, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “And then the car broke down and there was this whole incident with the bus driver and this old lady who wouldn’t pay for her ticket, and—”
Saiki’s mom interrupts with, “Toritsuka’s here?”
She nods towards the extra pair of shoes in the entryway with a soft smile. Saiki just stares and decides to ignore the way Toritsuka is rocking back and forth on Saiki’s bed in the other room.
“Huh?” his dad asks, surprised. “Why’d you invite him over when we were gone? I love that kid, you know!”
How his dad and Toritsuka get along so well, Saiki has no idea. Maybe it’s a battle of who can point out the most fun facts about Saiki as a person, or the creepy edge to their behaviour, or the affection towards kind, motherly figures. Who knows?
“We were studying,” Saiki says, deadpan. Something was studied, alright.
“...Something smells fishy. Kusuo better not have gotten up to no good with that boy.”
“I sure hope he put all that protection I bought him to use.”
“He liked it too, right? I mean, yeah, I think he did, but I kinda ruined the mood with that nosebleed and now my hoodie’s in the laundry and I’m wearing Saiki’s shirt and it smells like their detergent and his parents are home and I’ll eventually have to get up and greet them and pretend like I haven’t defiled their son—”
“Toritsuka,” Saiki says, just to interrupt the annoying flood of his companions’ inner thoughts.
It takes some shuffling, but soon Toritsuka peeks out of Saiki’s bedroom with a nervous smile. He steps out and greets the other boy’s parents with a bow even though Saiki can basically feel the way he’s about to throw up.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Saiki. I thought you’d be gone until tomorrow.”
“So did we, but that overbooked hotel had other plans—”
“Kuu’s shirt,” Saiki’s mom notes out loud, like a sudden observation. Toritsuka looks down at the striped long sleeve. He looks back up, down the stairs, and looks like he’s already died and joined the other ghosts, but Saiki’s mom just smiles softly. “Are you sleeping over?”
“I wouldn’t wanna overstay my welcome,” Toritsuka chuckles. Saiki’s dad seems to have frozen. His system is currently rebooting. “Plus, we don’t have much left to study.”
“Nonsense, I’ll make you two some snacks. That’d be fun, right?”
“Well…” Toritsuka glances at Saiki, who just sighs. If there ever was a time for Toritsuka to worry about overstaying his welcome, it should’ve been before they tossed all those dirty tissues in the trash can in Saiki’s bedroom.
“He’ll stay,” Saiki confirms, and his mom just nods with a smile. She leaves her suitcase in the entryway and makes her way to the downstairs bathroom to dry up a bit.
“Kusuo’s shirt,” Saiki’s dad mumbles, clearly a little behind in the conversation.
“I knew I should’ve enforced my rules better. That bastard is lucky neither of them can get pregnant—”
“Shouldn’t a good husband be helping his wife cook?” Saiki asks, and his dad glares at him. Well, at Toritsuka, who’s currently shaking in place like he was about to combust.
After a long staring competition full of one-sided spite and one-sided foaming at the mouth, Saiki just sighs and pulls Toritsuka back to his room. He closes the door behind them even as his dad’s frustrated thoughts echo behind.
“They know. I’m done for,” Toritsuka mutters as he slumps down on the bed. The sheets are a bit messy even though most of the short action was done on the floor. “They’re gonna kick me out and I’m never going to see you again and—”
“I liked it,” Saiki interrupts, lingering by the door. Toritsuka’s wide eyes shoot up.
“...Huh?”
“It didn’t feel bad or anything. I laughed at that one point because it was funny how fast you got riled up because of me, not because it was embarrassing.”
Toritsuka blinks. “...Huh.”
“...I don’t know if I want to do that all the time, but it felt good.”
Slowly, the other boy nods. “...Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay, yeah, that’s fine with me,” Toritsuka confirms, looking a little dazed. “It was kinda overwhelming, honestly, but not in a bad way.”
“Obviously it’s overwhelming when you forget to breathe when kissing,” Saiki points out.
“No, but… I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been waiting for something like that for so long that I kinda panicked when it actually happened.” Toritsuka rubs his covered arm, brows furrowed a bit. “But I liked it too, obviously.”
“I know.” It doesn’t require psychic powers to realize that. It was clear just from the amount of tissues used, or the surprise nosebleed, or the pathetic panting. Or how after it was over and Saiki could already hear his parents approaching the house, Toritsuka just held him in his arms until it was necessary to stop and get cleaned up.
Toritsuka grips the edge of the bed and chuckles weakly. “...That was kinda crazy. Thanks.”
“You don’t need to thank me for something we did together.”
“...I guess you’re right.”
Saiki sits down next to his boyfriend. He doesn’t really care for what his parents think about the whole ordeal, but he didn’t quite expect for Toritsuka to be so jittery after everything.
“Does it count as losing my virginity if it was just hand stuff? Wait, that means Saiki lost his virginity to me too. Is that weird? Like, someone losing their virginity to me, of all people? I feel like my heart’s about to explode.”
“You don’t have to be this anxious about it,” Saiki says. Their eyes meet, and Saiki thinks back to when they first met. He has always known Toritsuka is a pervert, but maybe indulging him says something about Saiki as well. “I don’t think you lost anything.”
Toritsuka sighs, shifting his feet on the floor. “I know I’m being weird about it. Sorry.”
“What will make you stop being weird about it?”
The boy pouts, looking down, and when the thought strikes him, Saiki sighs before Toritsuka can even say it out loud.
“Can we cuddle? As aftercare, or something? Watch some obscure movie that hasn’t been spoiled for you yet?”
“I should’ve known you’d get clingy after.”
“What’s that supposed to mean!?” Toritsuka whines, but at the same time, his dramatic frown is kind of endearing. Maybe it feels different when it’s not him whining about how Saiki won’t help him win some girl over. He’s lovesick for Saiki, which is still a weird thought, but… Different. Not bad, necessarily.
“I just assume people with abandonment issues are more likely to get attached after something like that.”
“Geez, I didn’t know you were my therapist or something,” Toritsuka scoffs and crosses his arms. Saiki’s shirt is a bit tight around his shoulders, but at least the nosebleed stopped pretty quickly.
“...I was just teasing. Obviously. I didn’t say we can’t cuddle,” he points out, and it takes a moment for Toritsuka to process the words.
He looks at Saiki, his eyes bright, before throwing himself forward to tackle the other boy onto the bed. Saiki is held in a bear hug as Toritsuka nuzzles his face against his neck, and it lasts for so long that he’s pretty sure they’re not watching a movie after all.
Maybe that’s for the best. Toritsuka’s opinions are always pretty distracting.
“His sweat smells so sweet. I can feel his heartbeat. They should make a song with this kind of beat. Mm, Saiki…”
Yeah, there’s no chance of focusing on anything else when Toritsuka’s around.
“Fuck, I really love him.”
Saiki tenses and ignores how his own arms have somehow found their way around Toritsuka’s back. He clutches the fabric of the boy’s — Saiki’s, technically — shirt right as he hears the footsteps climbing up the stairs.
“Close your eyes like you’re asleep,” Saiki whispers, because he’d rather not deal with any of his mom’s questions at the moment, on top of… everything else.
Toritsuka pauses, but by the time the door to the bedroom opens, Saiki has closed his own eyes and stopped moving altogether.
“I knew we had some coffee jelly left, but I also—” His mom pauses. “Oh?”
Toritsuka’s heartbeat is faster than Saiki’s could possibly be. All of his weight is on him — crushing him, cradling him.
“I wonder what you two got up to while we were gone to be this tired,” Saiki’s mom giggles before setting the tray of snacks on the nightstand.
“Saiki?”
“I’ll get a futon for Toritsuka later, but for now… I’ll close the door so your dad won’t distract you two.”
“I love you.”
“...Hmph, Kuu rarely lets me hug him,” his mom pouts playfully, only to laugh again. “Toritsuka must really be special to you.”
“You can hear me, right? I love you. You don’t have to say it back. Thanks for putting up with me. I love you.”
The door closes, and Saiki considers pretending to have actually fallen asleep when the room grows silent.
It’s like, somehow, Toritsuka’s rapid heartbeat has doubled. Saiki doesn’t know how that could be.
“I heard some talk about coffee jelly,” Toritsuka hums, out loud this time, and starts pushing himself up on his hands. “Your mom’s the best, really. I wonder if it tastes better after—”
“Not yet,” Saiki interrupts and pulls Toritsuka back against him. Chest to chest, faces in the crooks of each other’s necks. He breathes in the warmth of Toritsuka’s body and curls his fingers into the shirt fabric. “This is fine.”
“Really? But it’s coffee jelly.”
Saiki can’t really bring himself to close his eyes. It’s weird how wide they are. How everything is kind of…
Warm.
“I’m just tired. Let me recharge,” he mumbles into Toritsuka’s shoulder.
Toritsuka hesitates a little, but then just nods shyly and resumes hugging Saiki.
“I’m not going through him.”
Saiki stares at the ceiling lights and lets Toritsuka act as his blanket, radiator and drum machine all at once. He stares until it gets blurry, and then he blinks.
One.
Two.
“I love you.”
Three.