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he dances with himself or his friends even when hes not playing outside on the island. its just fun. and it feels like everyday theres just a new song making itself clearer and clearer in his heart and the back of his mind. he doesnt know what it means yet, he just thinks its a residual memory or something. today hes chatting with a friend on a random hallway of the castle when he catches himself snickering at his own uttering of the words "go white boy go". he suuure remember what that means.
yeozoh doesnt though. "white? what do you mean white?" right, an epic strombonin whos never seen or heard much about the human world wouldnt know the specifics of the human social construct of race. and bbli$zards counterpart over there is half armenian. and bbli$zard also doesnt quite remember who cares.
he realizes quickly and doesnt try too hard to explain. "oh, its like, a human thing. that i kinda sorta lowkey remember. i think." well, he doesnt fully understand whats funny about it anymore. but maybe if he pretends he does he would look more interesting. unclear.
"i dont get it." they reply and continue going through a box of donuts.
if bbli$zard had a second eyebrow, itd definitely be raised. "you dont have to."
reuvin, the islands calico congle quickly walks over from the nearest corner to interrupt their conversation, they seem to be flustered about something and start speaking before either of the two can greet them or something. "hey, bbli$zard, did you steal my camera?" they ask, holding the object up.
his tail goes down in shame, hitting the ground. he had found it lying around the kitchen brand new, and... he explains himself slightly nervous, "oh, that was yours? no, it was left around and it was b..."
they dont let him finish, and seem to be sweating a little. "okay well. please. next time please run it by someone before you take mirror pics of. your ass. i-i deleted them but please ask. next time." oh okay thats why.
"oh." he fully goes red in the face (redder and deeper than the orange he is, at least). he did do that. he took like 20 different pics of that. "yes. yes. im sorry. i didnt know." he fixes his hair in self soothing.
"y-yeah and. dont take those pics in the public bathroom of all places. ludo and choi told me they caught you doing that." ludo and choi being the islands bowgarts, common and rare respectively.
he nods, trying to hold back a deeply embarrassed grimace. "yes! right. sorry reuvin." he fawns again. he doesnt seem sorry at all. the congle just sighs and mutters a whatever before leaving towards the same direction they came from.
no, it was not wise at all to just take a camera left around without asking if anyone owned it before. it was also not wise to take pictures of himself in the bathroom to fulfill an inside joke with himself he doesnt fully remember having in the first place. residual memories get stupid sometimes. that was embarrassing. he leans back on the wall again and crosses his arms apprehensively. his friend knows hes a bit of a whore now.
"dude this is even worse than eating those diamonds. what the hell you taking ass pics for? youre 1 month old and not seeing anyone..." they ask mocking. theres not even social media to get thirst comments or other kind of attention.
he scoffs. "im hot, mon, shut up."
after a while they decide theyve been slacking off too much and just go back outside to play in the song for a couple of hours. bbli$zard enjoys himself much more after his talk with shugabush even if hes not friends with everyone at that point. he still needs to be more considerate of others and make new memories to outnumber the ones he never actually lived through. hes having more luck making friends through online gaming. baby steps!
hes visited shugabush a couple of times since then. hes a great listener and bbli$zard enjoys hearing him talk about what he remembers from his human counterparts life and how hes adjusted to life in the monster world. of course, the guy has been there long enough that hes fully embraced his nature, so much that even if he takes the slightest moment to grieve a life not meant to be his, its not his biggest worry, let alone what dictates his way of being or living. bbli$zard really admires that he could make his own identity.
at noon, he dances around with the yool and the single elementals, then he sings along with the deedges and the epic wubbox, he feels more comfortable with a beat to do his thing to. for obvious reasons. when one of them peaces out for the day and goes over to talk to vittoria and zeus, also taking a break, bbli$zard waits a little before going over to join the conversation.
"right? i still have no idea how they did that, by the way. its not a physical... oh, bbli$zarddd, hi!" vittorias seems really passionate about what shes about to say, but shes the first to notice him and greet him. the other two nod at him in acknowledgement.
he waves, then puts his relaxed hands in his pockets. "hey guys, how was your day? uh, how are we doing?" he makes convo naturally.
taekni the deedge chuckles before answering. "were good! oh mon, if were honest, we fully zoned out and just hanged out at the higher plane instead."
bbli$zard assumes, "oh, smoked some green?" then wonders to himself if they even got something like that here. they must, right? an equivalent? when he thinks about it, he doesnt remember anyone talking about anything similar and hes been out singing more than his first weeks.
vittoria snorts, "what? no no no, like, gold island."
he purses his lips, narrowing his eye, and nods slowly, making completely clear that he does not know. "... yeah, which one was that?"
zeus the mammott, quiet until now, mutters to vittoria. "i dont think he knows about the higher plane..."
"ohhh," she turns to bbli$zard. "you don't?"
he shakes his head, running a hand through his hair then resting both on his hips. "yeah no, no idea what youre talking about."
"oh! ok, well, when we reach level 15 we can tap into a higher plane to sing a really beautiful song! thats how a lot of us can meet even if were from different islands. it is pretty selective though, ive only seen mons from natural islands in there. and jam boree! oh, you gotta meet jam boree!"
bbli$zard keeps quiet for a second, seemingly remembering something. "... shugabush might have said something about... a place like that, but w-- you guys keep talking about levels, i still dont understand what thats about." he says with a slightly nervous smile in his face.
taekni speaks again. "well, youre level 15 yourself and from a natural island. shouldnt you be able to tap into it? i mean, now that you know."
"... no? i dont know? should i? since shugabush can apparently."
vittoria sees his confusion and encourages him. "its as easy as just thinking about going there! try right now!"
bbli$zard tilts his head and smiles, rolling his eye. guess he can at least try. he half-heartedly takes a moment to think about this alleged awesome higher plane where natural monsters, seasonals and this other guy can hang out with and sing a...
"uhhh, a really weird voice just told me i cant go there because of conflicts in dimensional magic," he laughs, to the surprise of his monster friends in front of him. "what the hell? hahahah, thats really weird. no big deal though." yeah, he doesnt feel any more excluded than what he already feels as a legendary.
"you guys are talking about gold island? thats okay, bbli$zard, as legendaries cant go there either." says maggpi, who lowkey overheard the whole thing but waited to butt in to support bbli$zard or whatever.
tawkerr is here too... "yeah, that dimension is suuuper picky as far as ive heard."
these guys... they havent been the most understanding to him. they werent of much help in trying to understand himself, even though he believed it so at first. he crosses his arms apprehensively. "i... dont think its the same at all... but ive been meaning to talk with you guys anyway."
"oh yeah? whats up?" tawkerr lightheartedly accepts continuing the convo if theres a chance its about them, the werdos.
the three end up walking away from taekni, vittoria and zeus, who probably go back to whatever gold island related anecdote vittoria was recalling. bbli$zard isnt a mean person, he does want to get along with everybody, its just that because they didnt end up being helpful in his most distressed, well... whatever, theres no reason that should taint a potential friendship. theyre so nice to him, too.
walking along with them, he sighs. "you guys, when you say youre aware of your nature. what does-- whats that even mean for you? like, when you say youre directly connected to the human world, how... what is it really?" hes asking this because hes suspecting they dont actually know shit.
maggpi thinks about her answer for a sec, "well, we came to life with the knowledge that our voices are a gift from people in the human world. these people had a connection so strong with the monster world we were given life in their likeness! which is really, really beautiful. isnt it like that for you?" and she says this with the sweetest smile in her face.
but bbli$zard is visibly appalled. "i mean, if you... fully exclude the whole residual memories and by extension the residual baggage, sure?"
tawkerr raises an eyebrow. "memories? you didnt mention that before. memories of what?"
ok cool they actually have no idea how and why he feels the way he does. he groans a little. "... nevermind. i... thought you had them too. guess its just shugabush and me in this then." he scratches the back of his neck.
maggpi hums, "im guessing you have false memories of living as your human counterpart?"
false? he quite literally sees them from his point of view... well, his counterparts point of view. if theyre in his brain, they cant be... okay, maybe theyre n... theyre residual. hes sticking with this terminology. but also he really has to get over this.
"... yes. they make me who i am. so im like. having a bit of a hard time existing." he answers, quite blunt. thw werdos dont know what to say at this, theyre really nice! but they wouldnt know how to relate or how to make him feel better. he chooses to not sulk in front of them too. "sorry, not your fault. good talk though. i just, uh, i really gotta be going."
tawkerr and maggpi are probably glad they dont have to try and fail to cheer him up. "oh! well then, have a good one, bbli$zard." maggpi says and waves him goodbye.
he nods and waves goodbye back. he walks away with the same conflicted expression hes had for a while. he sighs. the werdos are different from him and shugabush. theyre unique legendaries, the process of their creation was completely different. the werdos cant possibly know what he feels like and they... honestly dont have to. they fulfill different roles in this world and hes just has to keep his head held high. make friends, sing the song.
so why... do they still bother him so much? the false memories. out of context and scattered, faces erased and names forgotten. concerts blurring together and 30 years of life in the back of his mind, hard coded. he cant remember all of it and what he does, it cant seem to stop poking at his brain, playing hide and seek when this isnt fun game for him. but he is in one.
what exactly does he miss? what does he want back from that life? but more importantly, why cant he love this world even though he so badly wants to? hes doing everything right. he loves collabing with his fellow monsters and hes learned the song over and over. hes making friends in and outside his island. shugabush must be growing tired of bbli$zard just never feeling any better and...
so must everyone else. hes... hes the only hung up over a life that doesnt belong to him. the werdos dont care to learn more. shugabush has moved on and found a bigger family with which to party everyday. and he feels so damn alone.
and he realizes once again that he doesnt have to.
at night, hes talking to yeozoh and picasso on his computer. hes just watching picasso play a game and raging about it. it doesnt seem hard at all from bbli$zards perspective but he hasnt played it himself so what the hell would he know. and, hes most likely distracting him too. he smiles at this realization before continuing to talk anyway.
"so like, shugabush said to not mind wyatts total lies cause i mean... at the end of the day--"
"SHUT!!! THE FUCK!!! UP!!! FOR ZARROES SAKE!!!" picasso yells at him, peaking his bad quality mic. "I AM HAVING!!! A HARD. FUCKING. TIME!!!"
bbli$zard snorts and laughs discreetely while yeozoh has no problem laughing more loudly. "not our fault you SUCK, bro!" and they just fan the flames, this stromboning, dude. aint that what friends are for? picasso growls and goes back to tryharding. "bbli$zard, bro, shut up about shugabush, mon. if i didnt know better id say you have a crush on him or some!"
bbli$zard blinks perplexed and shakes his head. "nah dude, thats gross, hes like a dad to me!" he laughs.
"what?" yeozoh replies, flat. "hold on, i was gonna say, i wouldnt put it past you because you a-- no because, what the hell is a dad?"
he stops laughing. "are you serious? oh mon, i forget thats straight up not a thing here. dont worry about it, im just saying theres no way. hes just like, older and nice to me. i just really appreciate that hes in my--"
an explosion is heard from picassos game. he sure is distracted him. "CHEESE AND CRACKERS BABY LI MONEY ZARD!!!!!!" ok thats the most atrocious pronounciation of his name. picasso knows damn well thats fully incorrect. he might be mad for real this time.
he just laughs at his friends rage as hes been doing this past hour. his counterparts life might be haunting him, but his knowledge of the human world is always fun to spread. some monsters are genuinely interested and some have been there themselves as part of an exchange program of sorts, which he himself isnt interested in.
bbli$zard understands that he will never get rid of these residual memories. they dont belong to him and they dont have to. they inform his self and view of this world, but his life is with his friends and the song of his home island. his heart aches with joy, this is what hes here for and as he continues to have ups and downs he cant lose sight of the life hes making for himself out here. his own life and identity, separate from... wait.
in his laughter, he recalled what reuvin said earlier. he gasps, amused, and he straightens up in his chair.
"dude, yeozoh, i just remembered. why the hell did ludo and choi even go to the bathroom together?" he asks before breaking into more laughter. yeozoh gasps and laughs with him before explaining as he just hears picasso starting to growl again.
the torus keeps spinning and he keeps on living. the joy of, for example, finding out which ones of your friends are fucking keeps it spinning.