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[XX.XX.XXXX] — 1st Entry — Introductory Entry
Rouge and I had a discussion today, after which it was decided that we all will all attempt to keep a journal, starting today. That is what this notebook will be used for. Since this documentation is only for myself, I won't bother with introducing myself or my teammates.
Aside from the earlier discussion, nothing noteworthy has happened today.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 2nd Entry — Grocery shopping
Rouge noted that we were running low on food, so I offered to go grocery shopping to ease the remaining tension between us. Our usual store was out of her favorite wine, but I found it eventually.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 3rd Entry — Reading
I spent most of the day reading. Omega remarked that the speed at which I return books to the library is above average. I remarked that his observation skills are below average. He challenged me to a fight, which we took outside as not to damage our apartment. The exercise felt good.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 14th Entry — Movies
The day was unremarkable until we watched a movie. I don't remember much of it. Rouge had to pause it eventually for my sake. I hate that. I hate that there's a part of me that's so useless we can't even watch a movie without it freaking out for no reason. Just because we saw some actress pretending to be a little girl getting shot. Fucking bullshit. As if that sort of reaction wouldn't just make things worse if anything had actually
I'll stay away from movies for a while. I prefer written works, anyway.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 15th Entry
Surprise G.U.N. meeting and mission. Fuck them.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 16th Entry — Movies II
Rouge convinced me to watch another movie with her and Omega. It went better this time.
I know what she's trying to do. I don't need to be cheered up. I'm fine on my own.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 17th Entry — Addendum to Movies II
I lied misrepresented yesterday. I appreciate that Rouge is able to pick up on when my mood deteriorates and in turns attempts to lift it. It is not something I should take for granted. I would be fine on my own, but nonetheless it is nice to be part of this team. Rouge and Omega are the only people who I don't mind being around.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 23rd Entry — Talking
I talked a lot to Omega, then to Rouge. Will update tomorrow.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —24th Entry — Talking cont.
I talked to Omega about memories. From previous conversations I gleamed that everything he experienced would be recorded and stored in his databanks. He indirectly confirmed this when he directly quoted things Rouge or I said in the past on previous occasions. He directly confirmed this yesterday. I had assumed that he cannot remove these memories and was curious to know how he dealt with the "bad" ones since forgetting is not an option.
He told me he'd deleted some, but didn't like doing that. I don't get it, why wouldn't he want to do It makes me jealous that he has the option to do that, and angry that he doesn't use it. Even after we talked about it. I understand that he doesn't like knowing he's unable to remember something. I know what that's like. I don't want to forget her, or what happened, or who did it. But other memories I wouldn't mind losing.
Omega admitted to being affected by his negative memories as well. He said he deals with that by actively searching out positive memories, or by categorizing his negative memories and analyzing why they make him feel the way they do. He also likes to create simulations of what his victory over Eggman might look like.
I was curious what Rouge would think of his ways of dealing with that. She told me he has better coping mechanisms than the two of us combined. We both ended up agreeing we should try to follow his lead. Rouge is running from hers, the way it sounded. She tries to distract herself instead of confronting them.
I think I will attempt to make a list later.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —25th Entry — Negative Memories List
This is awkward to start. I suppose I will go in chronological order. I do not remember a lot about my time on the Space Colony Ark. I know I endured a lot of medical testing. I still recall one of the now faceless scientists remarking I was lucky to not have turned out like the Biolizard. Maria spent a lot of time being too sick to leave her bed, I hated that. I couldn't stand her being in pain. One time Towers and I got into a physical alteration, I was reprimanded while he wasn't. If I'd known he'd work for the people who killed Maria I wouldn't have stopped where I did. I say as if I'm not doing the same fucking thing.
I remember the sirens and the red light. I remember the cool glass against my hands, my face, my whole body. I remember the bang and her dying body hitting the ground like a discarded toy.
Just my luck that G.U.N. found the escape pod. Just my luck that damned Eggman woke me up again.
Most of that time is blurred. I felt rage and pain that burned through my chest, but those memories aren't connected to much of anything. Sometimes it feels like nature, sometimes like a city. I don't know. Sonic was there. Rouge too, I think. I still remember how the Biolizard screamed, though. I remember the gravitational pull of the Earth getting the better of me. I remember embracing the fall with relief until I burned. I don't remember that part, though. Just the sensation of falling backwards while I must've been in pain.
Rouge and Omega come afterwards. First good thing that happened in fifty years. I don't remember much of that, though. I think they think I do, but I don't. Metal Sonic tried to wipe us out. It had a new form. Omega saw its body afterwards.
I don't remember much of Black Doom, either. Just snippets. How the hell do I even It felt like he was in my head. He wasn't, of course. Even with Gerald, I'd never felt so controlled before. Then there were the damned androids, too. And G.U.N. and actual guns. I also talked to Vector. I don't remember about what, but it felt good, I think. I think he's good at advice.
I was part of G.U.N. not long after. I don't know how or why. I don't think I can leave. I'm not listing every individual mission here, I'd run out of ink and patience. They're not even distinct in my head, anyway. They were all terrible. Omega and I are lucky that any damage is repaired easily, Rouge is lucky that she's on a team with us. I still can't stand injuries, though. They still hurt.
"Negative Memories List" and I write down my whole damn life that I don't remember.
I'm unsure how this makes Omega feel any better.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —26th Entry —
Cataloging negative memories helps Omega in recognizing when they are influencing his thoughts and/or actions. He's been doing that for me and Rouge and me too. He keeps track of things we like/dislike and have positive/negative reactions to to avoid putting us in unnecessary distress.
I don't know how to feel about it. I think it shows he cares about us a great deal.
I suppose he has a point. Making a list of this bullshit my negative memories this bullshit is helpful in drawing connections to my reactions to certain things. It still feels like my life has merely been a giant shitshow.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 34th Entry — Thoughts about the past
I talked to Rouge about the negative memories list and my feelings about it. She told me I was hardly even in the top 100 of unlucky people because she's my friend and her presence counts much more than whatever those fuckers did to me in the past. Her exact words.
She's right. I said I no longer want my past to define me, and yet here I am. Letting it rule over me. That is not who I want to be. And yet I cannot stop my reactions to things that remind me of the past. I certainly didn't want to ruin our movie night, and yet I did. I want to let the past go, but it still clings to me.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —35th Entry — Positive things in my life
Told Rouge about what I mentioned in the previous entry. We had a long discussion and eventually both decided to write down positive things that have been happening in our lives. Omega decided to join in too.
I don't know what to write down. I have not been feeling particularly good about much of anything, recently.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —36th Entry — Addendum to positive things in my life
Team Dark. That is one of the best things that happened. I did not think to write it down earlier because it permeates my entire life as it is now, and I was trying to think of isolated incidents that I regarded as positive. I think I will write those down as they happen, that seems much easier than trying to recall things that have already happened.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —37th Entry — Cooking
I made Rouge food today. It's something I do regularly, but I never wrote it down before because it did not seem interesting or relevant. It is something I enjoy doing, though. One of those positive things in my life that I'm lucky to have now.
Rouge can cook too, but if I have to smell burning rice one more time I'll set the kitchen on fi her skills are still minimal. She can create edible food that tastes alright, but that is where her abilities end. She has no interest in getting better and much prefers when I cook for us. She can be glad the internet—lovely place until people send each other death threats about substitution in recipes—had a lot of good resources to teach me cooking. I was not allowed to any of that on the Ark and I did not have a reason to once I left that place until now.
It makes her happy. I'm glad about that.
She also makes me get a plate for myself even when I insist that I do not need to eat as often as normal people her. I still act annoyed about it, but truthfully I do not mind all that much.
[XX.XX.XXXX] —38th Entry — Late night on our roof
Omega is nice company. I came to our roof to enjoy fresh air and what few stars you can see with all the light pollution, and Omega was already here. We didn't talk much, but just sitting together is nice. He wouldn't let most people do this, Rouge and I are exceptions. That feels precious.
I'm writing this still next to him. He trusts me enough to let me stay close to him, and that trust is reciprocated. It's nice to spend time with him without it feeling social. I do not feel like I have to be on guard around him.
[XX.XX.XXXX] — 45th Entry — Game night and thoughts about my team
We played boardgames and card games together. Rouge won most of them, so Omega accused her of cheating—which she absolutely did—and while they were distracted I cheated and won the final game. Rouge still has Omega and me combined beat in her number of wins. It was still fun.
The majority of positive things I've written down since I started consciously paying attention to that have been involving Rouge and/or Omega. In entry 36 I noted Team Dark as a good thing that happened to me. I did not realize how much it has improved my life. None of the positive things I noted would have happened without my team by my side. I knew to be thankful for my teammates, but I didn't realize to what extend they'd improved my life.
Rouge was right in saying I couldn't be all that unlucky simply because I'd met her. She found me after the incident with the Eclipse Cannon and created Team Dark. Without her, I likely wouldn't have Omega either. I likely wouldn't even be in control of my life the way I am now. I'd either still be stuck in an artificial coma or
Point is, without Team Dark, I wouldn't have what I do now. I wouldn't have two people I can trust. I wouldn't have two people who can respect when I want to be alone. I wouldn't have two people I can joke around with and actually tell things to. I couldn't imagine asking anyone else about how to deal with the past haunting me, or actually taking their advice seriously.
I know I don't always make it easy for them. They don't always make it easy for me either. We still get into fights, but we also find a way out of them. I wouldn't have the patience to do that for other people and I'm fairly sure they wouldn't put up with this much shit from others either. We're lucky to have each other. I am lucky to have them.