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Lovers kiss in a garden made of thorns, traces of lonely words. You said, "how does a man like me love someone like you?" I said, "hold me until I die and I'll make you brand new.”
Come on and wrap that blade of grass around my finger like a cast, 'cause even though the church burned down, I've been so lonely in this field.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have a shit poker face?”
Eddie swiveled around to see Ravi walking back up to him, a certain grin on his face, like he had been waiting to say this. Eddie’s eyebrows dipped in the middle, confused, until Ravi pointed at Buck, waiting by the curb. He’d come to pick them up from court. Truthfully, Eddie had been annoyed that Ravi even needed to be there, but apparently they needed someone ‘unbiased’ from the 118 to vouch for Eddie and Hen. Eddie didn’t want to think about why they hadn’t picked Buck…
“What?”
Ravi’s smile didn’t change, but his eyes flickered down to Eddie’s clenched fists for a moment. Eddie uncurled his fingers slowly, ears turning pink as they walked out of the building. They’d pretty much left as soon as the hearing was over. Eddie had wanted to say something to Abigail as they left, but he didn’t have a chance to. Ravi had practically dragged him out and Karen was already gone with Hen. “You’re blushing, Diaz.” He sang it, making a face, and Eddie crossed his arms.
“Shut up.” He said with a scowl, side-eying Ravi as they walked to Buck’s parked truck. Buck, who had apparently rolled down the window when they approached, bent over the center console to smile at them.
“Why is Ravi shutting up?”
Ravi opened his mouth to say something, but Eddie clamped his hand over the boy’s pink lips. He prayed to a higher power that Ravi wouldn’t lick his palm. Luckily, Ravi stopped, body going still, and Eddie turned to him with a piercing glare.
“We were just arguing over who gets to ride shotgun, but I’m feeling generous today. Ravi, go ahead, you can owe me later.” By ‘later’, Eddie actually meant ‘right this very second’ and Ravi seemed to get it. Eddie had always known Ravi was smart for his age, even as the kid climbed into the front seat with a grin on his face. Eddie slid into the backseat and turned to stare out the window.
“So how was? Was there screaming? Or fighting?” Buck contorted to look at Eddie in the backseat, eyebrows wiggling, but Eddie just made a face, pointing back toward the road. Buck rolled his eyes and repositioned his gaze back on traffic.
“You do know it’s not like Judge Judy? ‘Cause I feel like you don’t know that it’s not like Judge Judy.” Ravi made a noise of annoyance at the end of his sentence, and Eddie had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. He’d seen Ravi almost fall asleep about five times.
“I know, yeah. Of course the real deal is nothing like the show. We’ve all seen Hotshots.” Buck said it with a laugh in his voice, but Eddie shuddered. When Chris had first started watching that show, he’d banned Eddie to another room after the eighth “that’s not realistic-”.
“Don’t get me wrong, I hated Gerrard, and I’m glad he left for that whole Hollywood life, but I did like that he thought we were pretty.” Ravi turned and batted his eyelashes at Buck, and Buck chuckled, hand moving to hit the signal as they turned toward Eddie’s house.
Eddie was silent for a moment before he leaned forward between the seats and asked, “what do you mean pretty?”
Ravi gasped, really loudly and way too dramatically, and Buck just groaned, shaking his head softly as Ravi practically turned in a 360 degree-angle to look at Eddie. “He used to call us “pretty boys” whenever he ordered us around. Chimney was so jealous, it was hilarious.” Buck sighed again, like he was trying to deflate like a balloon, and Ravi rolled his eyes again. “Ugh, Buck hated it. Something about how the real pretty boy was in Texahghr.” His sentence was cut off by Buck’s hand on his mouth and Eddie thought it was fitting that Ravi had been silenced twice in the past ten minutes. It really was a tribute to their friendship, even if he had been wondering what Ravi was about to say. This time though, Ravi did lick Buck’s palm, and the man pulled away with a shriek, shaking his hand like he’d been poisoned.
“RAVI!” Buck yelled, flailing his hand in the air with a scream that almost broke Eddie’s eardrum. He covered his ears as Ravi and Buck got into a cat fight. By the time they pulled up outside of Eddie’s place, Buck had wiped his hand all over Ravi’s suit.
“Why don’t y’all come in for a beer? Buck, you can wash your hand.” Eddie started getting out of the car, but Buck beat him to it, running up the driveway to the house. His hand slipped to his keys, and grabbed one, opening Eddie’s locked door before he rushed in.
Ravi and Eddie just walked up to the door at a normal pace, but when Buck went barging into the house, Ravi turned toward Eddie with a face. “Dude, he has a key to your house?”
“For when he picks up Chris from school!” Eddie cried, pointing toward the door that Buck just disappeared into and Ravi scrunched up his face with a smile, shaking his head like he didn’t believe him.
“That almost makes it worse. You two are so-” Ravi cut off his words as they walked into the house, swinging the door closed and Eddie stared at him for a long moment as they took off their shoes.
“We’re so what?”
Ravi didn’t say anything, just pointed toward the kitchen and started walking into it. “Are you one of those people who puts beer in the fridge?”
“What? Like a sane person? I am one of those people, thank you for noticing.” Eddie rolled his eyes as Ravi opened the fridge and took out three beers. He threw one to Eddie just as Buck walked back into the room.
“Here Buck.” Ravi went to hand him the beer he’d gotten him from the fridge, but Buck just held up his hand and pointed toward a cabinet. The cabinet that Eddie and Chris have been affectionately calling “Buck’s Spot.” Opening it, he reached in, grabbed a beer, and closed it softly. When he turned back around Ravi was already rolling his eyes.
“I feel like I’m in the middle of a dating show.” He was muttering, and Buck leaned over the island to hear him. When he asked him to repeat himself, and Buck heard him, he cracked a smile.
“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” Buck quipped back and Ravi just shook his head. Eddie just stared at them, confused. It was like a dating show, how? Because Buck had a key to Eddie’s house and a cabinet? It wasn’t like they were…
It wasn’t like Buck and Eddie were-
Eddie froze, finally realizing what Ravi had been implying. He turned in a circle, noticing the pieces of Buck all around them. Not only the key, and the cabinet, but the pair of his shoes by the door. His handwriting was on the grocery list. There were ingredients in the freezer for Buck to use.
“Eddie?” Ravi’s voice almost sounded far away, and he could see the two of them learning toward him, concern on their faces. “Are you ok?”
Yeah, I’m fine, I just think I’m gay, and I’m in love with my best friend. Maybe I have been all this time.
He had loved Shannon, of course he had, but he’d only just been getting to know her when she got pregnant, and having a kid hadn’t really kept their relationship linear. He’d fallen in love with her because they were getting married, because Chris deserved parents who loved each other. Shannon and Eddie had agreed early on that they didn’t want Chris to question whether or not they loved each other.
When he left for war, and they’d fallen apart, it begged the question of, do we stay together for him, like our parents did? Or do we split apart and make sure he always knows he is loved, and he doesn’t ever have to wonder? It had been the latter, and they really had both loved him up until she left.
But, with her gone, when had Buck become the one Eddie thought of in that place instead? Why did he feel like it was up to the two of them to love Chris like parents would?
“I think...”
Ravi’s eyebrows almost reached his hairline and he leaned forward in interest. Meanwhile, Buck just stared at him, blinking softly, like he was still as worried. Maybe more now.
“I think I might be gay.”
Ravi stood up and walked out of the house, calling behind him, “Finally! You have fun. Stay safe!”
The sound of the door closing behind him echoed through the quiet house, and Eddie fixed his gaze on the ground, chest heaving a bit, his mind racing at a million miles per hour. He kept his eyes on anything but Buck for a long moment, until he heard his voice, whispering, and shaking ever so slightly.
“Eddie, I’m so proud of you.”
And Eddie tried to pretend he wasn’t searching the words for more, weighing their meaning and the tone he’d used. Listening for an indication, something to let him know more.
“Hey, I really am.” Buck pushed himself away from the counter and took a step toward Eddie, and Eddie, for some reason, took a step back. He didn’t look up, didn’t want to see the hurt flicker across his best friend’s face.
“I’m not like you, Buck. I can’t just have meaningless sex. I can’t just go out to bars and leave with someone. It has to mean something, it has to be…”
It has to be you.
“That’s ok, Eddie. I didn’t mean to make you do something you weren’t comfortable with. I shouldn’t have taken you out the other night. I’m sorry.” Buck’s voice sounded wrecked, like he’d been run through with a sword, and was trying his best to act natural. Eddie didn’t want him to be stoic, he didn’t want him to think he’d done something wrong. He just wanted him to… choose him.
“No, it’s fine, you didn’t know. I-I didn’t even know.” He let himself chuckle, but he knew he didn’t look like he was enjoying himself. He didn’t even know what Buck looked like, he wasn’t brave enough to look up. Wasn’t brave enough to let himself have it. Have Buck.
“Eddie…”
“I- sorry, this was supposed to be fun. I don’t even know why Ravi left.” Eddie swiped at his tears and turned, arm reaching out to grab his front door again, to find Ravi and pull him back into the house. He’d just taken a step into the living room when fingers wrapped around his wrist and stopped him. That time he couldn’t stop his eyes from flickering up to Buck’s, and what he saw made him wish he’d never looked.
Buck was watching him with glassy eyes, emotion etched into his face, a curl sitting perfectly on his forehead. Even his blue hoodie was perfect, Eddie felt overdressed in his slacks and white button-up, but he hadn’t had the time to change. His jacket was still sitting on the dining room table next to Ravi’s, and for some reason, his mind made a mental note to return Rav’s jacket.
Buck’s fingers loosened around his wrist so he could step closer, and Eddie’s back hit the arched doorframe between the dining room and the living room.
“I love you, Eddie.”
The dam broke then, months, years, of desperation, of not knowing what the piercing feeling in his heart was, washed over him. It wasn’t like water, after the tsunami he’d stopped thinking of feelings like water. Instead, it felt like… like fire… All these years he’d been lying kindling in his body, leaving behind scraps of paper, leaves, torn up scraps of fabric, all so that if Buck ever wanted him, if one day Buck said those three words, he wouldn’t be able to turn away, he would never not be brave enough. Maybe that dam, that match, was the reason why he grabbed onto Buck’s waist and pulled them flush together. Maybe that fire was what made him lean forward and bite into Buck’s lip, pulling a moan out of his best friend that made the fire travel downward.
Eddie kissed Buck like a man starving, and Buck kissed Eddie like a man who had always had too much to give, too much to share, and no one who wanted to take it. They kissed in the same way they did everything, in sync, in perfectly practiced ease, never in halves. They kissed, and kissed, and Buck’s knee pressed hard and firm between Eddie’s legs and he gasped against Buck’s mouth, the kiss breaking as his body arched against the doorframe. Buck’s hands were on his back, and he was taking and giving and letting Eddie do whatever he wanted back. Eddie’s hands had been running through Buck’s curls, clenched now, and when he pulled, it was Buck’s turn to whine from the back of his throat.
“I-I love you” Eddie whispered, taking his mouth off of Buck’s so he could say it clearly, so he knew that Buck would hear him, and the kiss he got on his jaw made him sure he’d heard it. He let his lungs fill again as Buck moved down his collarbone, and Buck murmured, “you love me.”
Eddie just nodded, because his lungs weren’t working, and he couldn’t move his mouth to say what he wanted to, all he could do was pull Buck back up to him and use his lips to convey the words locked in his throat. By the sound Buck made, Eddie figured he got the message, and his smile turned wicked as he pulled them both into the bedroom.
“Show me.”
“Who would have thought?” Buck murmured later, when they were both lying in bed, fresh from the shower they’d shared after Buck did things to Eddie that he would never forget. Eddie cuddled in closer, pressing his forehead deeper into Buck’s neck, and he let out a breath that tingled along the skin there. He just smiled.
“Ravi.”
“And Maddie.”
“Probably Hen and Karen too.”
“I think Harry asked me about it once.”
“So everybody?” Eddie asked, and Buck just giggled, it sounded somewhat sleep-deprived and Eddie let his eyes flicker closed.
“Yeah…” Buck whispered, fingers dancing down Eddie’s spine. “I guess it wasn’t that crazy.”
I'll give you something, yeah, it's no diamond ring. The air that I'm breathing. Forever's not enough.