Work Text:
“Kunikida~, have I ever told you how you are like the mom of the agency?” Dazai interrupted Kunikida’s lecture about how he needs to stop slacking off.
“Excuse me… What is that supposed to mean?” Kunikida took a second to pause, not expecting that. But then again, what does he ever expect to come out of Dazai’s mouth?
“No, yeah, I totally agree, Kunikida does act like mom, getting all up on everyone. Especially to Atsushi,” Yosano added, deciding to join in on the teasing of Kunikida. Kunikida stayed silent, trying to ignore the two.
Atsushi looked over to Yosano, Kunikida, and Dazai when he heard his name being used. Dazai noticed that and looked over at Atsushi, a grin forming on his face and Atsushi could already feel in his bones that Dazai is going to ask something stupid.
“Atsushi! Don’t you think Kunikida acts like a mom to you?” Dazai asked innocently. Atsushi internally sighed.
“I mean, I never had a mom or anything… But aren’t they supposed to get on you, but also care for you and stuff?” Atsushi asked to which Dazai nodded. “So then, I guess Kunikida does act kind of like a mom.”
“What? No I don’t!” Kunikida immediately tried defending himself.
“You definitely do. Don’t deny it,” Ranpo said nonchalantly as he took out the lollipop in his mouth.
Kunikida grumbled at that before he put his hand on his chin, “Well if I’m the mom, then who’d be the dad?”
“Dazai, but he’d be a deadbeat one,” Yosano responded, trying to muffle another laugh.
“Hey! No, I wouldn’t!” Dazai frowned.
“I’d hate to admit it, Dazai, but you kinda would be,” Atsushi said softly, like he would be attacked for saying that.
“Atsushi, you and Kyouka would be like siblings, Kunikida and Dazai’s specifically,” Ranpo decided to announce his opinion.
Kyouka perked up at that, “You think so? I guess I could call Atsushi my brother…”
“Yeah, I don’t mind that either,” Atsushi looked over at Kyouka and gave her a small smile. He never had any family, but he guessed that Kyouka was the closest to a sibling he would ever have.
“Y’know, Doctor Yosano, you’d be the wine aunt,” Dazai grinned, saying that to get back at her for the comment about being a deadbeat dad.
“Excuse you? I mean, you aren’t wrong,” Yosano sighed. “Ranpo would be the cool uncle or something.”
“Hmm, that'd probably be the most fitting,” Ranpo said as he put the lollipop from before back into his mouth as he opened a bag of chips. “Akiko, you would, like, adopt Kenji.”
“She would?” Kenji asked as he went over to the conversation. More and more people seem to be migrating to where Kunikida and Dazai were on the couches.
Yosano looked over at Kenji and nodded, “Yeah, I would, Kenji.”
“Yay!!” Kenji cheered as he sat down near Kyouka and Atsushi, both of them giving him a smile. “What about Jun’ichirou?”
“What about me?” Tanizaki asked as he turned over to his coworkers, Naomi as well.
“We’re just talking about who would be who if we were like a family or something!” Atsushi responded as he looked over to Tanizaki.
“Yeah? What role would I be then?” Tanizaki asked, joining the group at the couches. Naomi followed behind him, and she sat next to Yosano.
“Hmm, I’d adopt both of you as well! How about that?” Yosano smiled.
“Ooo, I don’t mind that!” Naomi replied, smiling back. “What about the president? What would he be?”
“The grandpa, since y’know he’s old and all that. He’d be like the father figure guy to everyone, but the grandpa the younger people,” Ranpo laughed a bit to himself.
“Ranpo, would it kill you to at least word that a little better?” Kunikida shook his head with a sigh.
And as if it was right on time, Fukuzawa left his office and went over to the main office area. Confused, he was to the fact that it was seemingly deserted. Fukuzawa then noticed all of his employees gathered around the couch area, all squished together minus a few people sitting on the floor.
“Oh, hey, Boss! We were just talking about you!” Yosano waved at him.
“Really? What about me?” He asked, raising his eyebrow.
“Oh nothing much, just the fact that you're old and would be the grandpa!” Ranpo teased in response.
“Ranpo! Be respectful!” Kunikida hissed, even though it was in vain. He knew Ranpo would continue being Ranpo.
“What?” Fukuzawa uttered, he was quite bewildered.
“Sorry sir, what he meant to say was how we were talking about what positions we would be in as a family and like you would be a grandpa/dad, depending on who you ask!” Yosano responded.
“That’s… nice,” Fukuzawa replied. “Have fun, I’ll get back to work.”
“Wait, Boss, stay here and we’ll give you the family tree!” Dazai interjected.
Fukuzawa sighed, but gave in. He had a hard time saying no to some things his employees proposed, “If you insist.”
“Yes! Kunikida, would you care to tell our beloved Boss our family tree?” Dazai hummed. He knew it would embarrass Kunikida.
“Dazai, I’m going to–” Kunikida said before quickly clearing his throat. “I guess I could.”
He fixed his posture and looked over at the president. For some reason, he took this explanation very seriously.
“Apparently, I am the mom of the agency, but specifically to Atsushi and Kyouka. They’re siblings according to Ranpo. I’m unfortunately married to Dazai, and he is a deadbeat father according to Doctor Yosano,” Kunikida shook his head with a sigh before continuing, “And then Ranpo is the ‘cool uncle’ and Doctor Yosano is the ‘wine aunt.’ Both the Tanizakis and Kenji are adopted by Doctor Yosano. And then you’re like the father figure to all, but more of a grandpa to the younger members.”
“That all sounds fairly accurate, I guess. But me? A father figure?” Fukuzawa asked, clearly surprised to be referred to in that manner.
“Mhm! You raised both Yosano and I since we were teenagers! And you gotta admit, you care for all of us deeply!” Ranpo grinned, trying to get the Boss to be sappy.
“You’re right, Ranpo. I’m honored you all see me in that way then. But I must get to work. And you all should soon as well, the work isn’t going to complete itself,” Fukuzawa said before retreating into his office.
“Our Boss is right. You guys can chill for a few more minutes, but I’m already behind schedule,” Kunikida said as he got up and made his way to his desk.
Both Dazai and Ranpo groaned at the idea of working. They got a couple other people to stay for a few more minutes before they ended up entertaining each other, mostly talking about this nobody else seemed to understand.