Work Text:
Cool East Boys 😎
Late July 2021
Ross Burton (Tampa)
Hey guys, cool if I add Clay Gardner? He plays for Florida
He’s cool I promise
Dane Pearce (Washington)
Better make sure he’s cool, Ross
The players there can be icky at best
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
Icky?!
@Dane Pearce (Washington) are you 5?
[Ross Burton (Tampa), Charlie Simms (Detroit), and Ted Park (Pittsburgh) reacted to this with 😂]
Dane Pearce (Washington)
Ughhh
You know what I mean
Some of them were friendly with Dallas Kent
Ross Burton (Tampa)
Yeah he’s cool
Gardner hates Kent’s guts
I’m in Colorado right now and got to talking when I ran into him here
Also mentioned how we were all dreading the upcoming season
Jake Johnson (Philadelphia)
Lol
So, like, is Florida also sweating buckets?
Ross Burton (Tampa)
At least Gardner is
Anyway, if you’re ok with me adding him here, please like this message
[All members liked this]
[Ross Burton (Tampa) added Clay Gardner (Florida)]
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Hey everyone! Thanks @Ross Burton (Tampa) for adding me
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
Welcome, welcome
I hope you understand that this group is for Positive Vibes™ only
[Cliff Marleau (Boston), Harvey Hall (Columbus), and Carter Vaughn (New York) emphasised this message]
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
You guys weren’t very Positive Vibes™ at the start of this month when you found out about Shane moving to Ottawa 🙄
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
I kept the positivity
[All members disliked this]
Jake Johnson (Philadelphia)
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Well…at least Florida won’t do anything to Montreal
Not yet anyway
Maybe when the rest of the team gets it into their heads what catastrophe awaits with Hollanov being in the same team
As it is, just me and the assistant coach get it lol
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
What the fuck is Hollanov?
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
It’s a portmanteau of Hollander and Rozanov
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Portman– what?
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
Jesus
Are you perhaps uneducated?
Is this what the education system in the USA looks like?
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
It means two things combined into one
In this case, their names
Like Brangelina (Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie)
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
But Brangelina is no more
Maybe I should shoot my shot with Angelina Jolie...
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
Not with that fucking IQ
[Charlie Simms (Detroit), Luke Medina (New Jersey), Harvey Hall (Columbus), Max Boyle (Ottawa), Ted Park (Pittsburgh), Dane Pearce (Washington), and Carter Vaughn (New York) reacted to this with 😂]
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
How did you know about Hollanov @Harvey Hall (Columbus)?
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
Went on a rabbit hole last month after we discussed the upcoming season
Apparently, the internet calls them that
First husbands of hockey stuff
You guys didn’t know?
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
I have a newborn who refused to sleep through the night
Cut me some slack
Dane Pearce (Washington)
We have a life
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
I was getting laid
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
Fuck you guys
Also my wife would like to tell you that we were having fun over the summer too 🙄
The next day…
Carter Vaughn (New York)
Wake up bozos!
Schedules just dropped
[Attached: screenshots of the preseason and regular season schedules]
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Why are we up against Ottawa first???
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
At least you’re seeing them first in the preseason
And that they’re sending a split team
Looks like they’re testing out their roster
Doubt they’d have Hollanov together for their first game
[Max Boyle (Ottawa) reacted with 👀]
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Maybe maybe
RIP Florida though
[Attached: a zoomed-in screenshot of Ottawa vs Florida without the “split squad” note]
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
Hahahaha that’s still preseason…
WE ARE GOING AGAINST THEM FIRST IN THE REGULAR SEASON
[All members reacted with 💀]
Ross Burton (Tampa)
We’ll think of you fondly @Charlie Simms (Detroit)
[Charlie Simms (Detroit) reacted with 😢]
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
I think
If it’s any consolation
Ottawa will probably be only truly mean to Montreal 😌
Cliff Marleau (Boston)
LOL
Roz’s chirping will be in good nature (unless you’re an actual asshole)
Still, like Pike said, I have a feeling Montreal will really get the worst of him, though
His man was disrespected
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Rozanov’s chirping IS USUALLY GOOD NATURED???
I almost dropped gloves numerous times ‘cos he was so fucking annoying on the ice
Cliff Marleau (Boston)
I didn’t say he wasn’t annoying 😌
Carter Vaughn (New York)
Oh yeah! He’s a nice guy, actually
Hung out with him a few times over at Kingfisher
Annoying little shit x100 on ice though
Ted Park (Pittsburgh)
Would agree
Dude’s a menace, but is an upstanding guy
Remember he punched Kent lol
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
My kids do call him Uncle Ilya so…
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Where the fuck am I?
Late September 2021
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
My question from July still stands: Can I still trade to Ottawa???
Ted Park (Pittsburgh)
Jesus H Christ
Ottawa what the fuck???
It’s only September!!
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
My only consolation is we don’t go against them in the regular season until much later
I can watch all of you suffer first…
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
Are the Western boys watching all of this @Carter Vaughn (New York)?
Carter Vaughn (New York)
Oh yeah
This preseason game was the only thing everybody could talk about for a week now
Half of them want to play against Ottawa ASAP, while the other half are happy to wait until it’s the actual playoffs.
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
Hmmm… maybe I’ll look at teams in the West…
Jake Johnson (Philadelphia)
Brooo… this is the greed they talk about in the Bible
Ross Burton (Tampa)
Oh hello, we are Ottawa Centaurs
Our first line consists of Boodram, Rozanov, and Barrett
And for our second line, we got Haas, Hollander, and Dillon
We also have big ass enforcers and our third line seems to be working well
Wyatt fucking Hayes is our perfect goalie
MAN FUCK YOU
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
WHAT
Why are the husbands so fucking competitive
Carter Vaughn (New York)
Ok, in hindsight, how did no one notice they’re together?
Look at that hugging and kissing and heart eyes
They’re worse than Scott and Kip lol
Cliff Marleau (Boston)
I’ll never stop asking myself
But also
Good that I didn’t know ‘cos I’m shit at secrets
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
I figured it out lol
[All members (except Hayden) reacted with ⁉️)
Dane Pearce (Washington)
Oh, so this is what my wife meant when she asked me how come we had no details about Hollanov
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
???
Dane Pearce (Washington)
My wife knows about this group chat
And she knew Hayden was here
She was asking for details about Hollanov when they got outed and when I told her I don’t know anything she got frustrated
Started mumbling about how men are useless at gathering information
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
Oh yeah same
Lindy asked me whether we talked about it
I said no? Cos we got all the details right? That they’re together, got outed like that, and that it was an accident on Hayden’s part. What else is there to ask?
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
Ha! My girlfriend needed to leave the house and she kept asking me stuff like “what’s the use of your group chat? What do you even talk about if not this?” I just said sorry immediately.
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
So…
How are you @Clay Gardner (Florida)
Clay Gardner (Florida)
I am fine :)
Totally cool :)
All good 🤙
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
[Attached: a screenshot of the score 7-0 in Ottawa’s favour]
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Hey!
I said
I, me personally, am fine
The team…maybe not so much
They’re grumbling about the 🌈gays🌈
Cliff Marleau (Boston)
Roz is bisexual
He’ll correct you if he hears that
Clay Gardner (Florida)
Oh sorry
The team is grumbling about the 🌈queers🌈
[Cliff Marleau (Boston) liked this]
Clay Gardner (Florida)
God, I hate this team
Can anyone adopt me (cough Ottawa cough) once I become a free agent next year?
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
[Clay Gardner (Florida) disliked this]
Jake Johnson (Philadelphia)
Okay, enough smugness from you, Maximillian Daniel Boyle from Ottawa
Can you please go and tell the first husbands of hockey to CHILL though
It’s only a preseason game!!! 😭😭😭
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
Why are they already scoring hat tricks???
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Can I also just add that no one talks about how bad Toronto fumbled Hayes
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
@Alex Vega (Buffalo) agree but you know…more for us 🤪🤙
@Eugene Reynolds (Carolina) they were competing for whoever scores the first hat trick
Idk what they get if they win though
Hayden Pike (Montreal)
Trust me
You don’t want to know…
Ted Park (Pittsburgh)
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
I just asked those two
Hollander went red and Roz laughed out loud 🫤
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
Hot
[All members (except Charlie) reacted with ⁉️)
Alex Vega (Buffalo)
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
What?! You guys don’t have eyes??
Eugene Reynolds (Carolina)
…Charlie’s revelation aside
Are you telling me that those two are treating preseason like THE PLAYGROUND???
Max Boyle (Ottawa)
…yes?
Luke Medina (New Jersey)
@Charlie Simms (Detroit) lol
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
🤷
Harvey Hall (Columbus)
Still hot to think about?
Charlie Simms (Detroit)
