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‘I did it for my future!’
That’s what the poster advocating for routine vaccinations on the sterile white wall on the other side of the room said.
That sentence had been playing on loop in Simon’s head as he sat on the uncomfortable examination table lined with thin paper that crinkled with every subtle movement.
The room was cold, it made his whole body shiver. He was instructed to strip all his clothing, minus his underwear thank God, and put on a thin robe that did nothing to shield him from the frigid air and wait for the doctor.
He was here for a full examination because in only a few hours, he will be sealed inside an iron submarine for some deep sea exploration to grant his freedom back into society.
He didn’t like thinking about it. It shouldn’t be him. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t want this to happen. But someone must pay for the sins committed, and unfortunately he was the only one with a conscience. He volunteered for this. It was the right thing to do.
His thoughts were interrupted when the door opened. The slight breeze made him shiver again.
Someone walked in, someone he could only assume was the doctor. They wore a white lab coat often associated with doctors and a stethoscope around their neck, so really he couldn’t be blamed if he was wrong.
“Okay….” The person had glanced at him before looking down at the clipboard they had brought in with them. As they studied what he could only imagine was the information he had provided earlier, he studied them.
They were attractive, that was for sure. Simon had seen many faces. Some ugly, some beautiful. And this doctor definitely one of the more pleasant to look at people he’s encountered. At least that should make this go easier. He never really did like anything medical related.
“So…it says here you’re pretty much due for….everything.” They looked up at him through their lashes like a disappointed and unimpressed parent.
He gave a sheepish grin. “I’ve been….busy.” He winced at his sub par joke.
“Right…no medications, no history of major health issues. Any idea about family health issues?” They asked.
“Um…no. I didn’t really…” He coughed. Family was the last thing he wanted to think about.
“Okay.” They wrote something down before placing the clipboard on the counter.
“So, today I’m going to perform a full body exam to determine your physical health. I will also be administering some vaccinations since you’re not up to date on many of them.” They explained as he nodded. He tensed up slightly at the mention of vaccinations but knew it was for the better.
They held themselves and spoke with such professionalism he could tell they were a no nonsense type person. Maybe deep down they were different but he understood that the Quiet Rapture changed everyone. They looked close in age to him, maybe younger, maybe older. He never was good with ages. Plus, stress added years to people and he could understand that doctors must be the most stressed of them all right now.
They had rummaged through some drawers and laid various tools down on a sheet of the same paper that he was sat on, some of the tools were individually wrapped in plastic. That was a good sign at least. It was hard to get single use things nowadays so at least he knew everything truly was sterile.
The doctor opened a package and attached it to some weird device. When they pulled the plastic away he realized it was a digital thermometer. Disposable parts that click into place, smart.
“Have you been sick at all in the last few weeks?” They asked as the thermometer beeped to life.
“No. I haven’t been sick for a while.” He replied as they walked up to him, the bed gave him a little advantage with height so he was looking down at them as they approached.
“I’m going to take your temperature, hold this under your tongue until you hear two beeps.” As he took the thermometer from the doctor their fingers brushed for a very short moment. It didn’t seem to affect them at all as they leaned back and looked to the ground before stepping on a peddle that caused the bed to slowly move down until he was eye level with them. They muttered something about another ‘stupidly tall’ doctor.
As they turned to busy themselves with something else, Simon stared at his fingers that brushed theirs. Despite the temperature of the room, they were warm. He didn’t dwell on it too long as he placed the thermometer under his tongue and closed his mouth as it did its thing.
A few seconds later, two beeps sang through the room. He took it out of his mouth and looked at the displayed numbers. 97.4 F. The doctor took it from him, the warmth from their fingers brushing against his cold ones again, and looking at it before going to write it down on his chart.
“That’s…good, right?” He asked.
“Pretty much.” They replied.
“Okay, next is pulse. Hold out your left arm.” They instructed.
As he held it out they gently twisted it so his palm was facing up and they supported the back of his hand with one of theirs while they placed two fingers on his wrist and put gentle pressure on it. They looked at a clock on the wall.
The room was silent expect for their combined breathing. After a minute they retracted their touch and went over to hi chart again to write it down.
“Seventy six beats per minute. A little high for someone your age but only by a few so I’m not worried about it.”
He didn’t want to tell them it was probably because he forgot what it felt like to be touched by another human being in such a gentle way.
“You’re quite cold though. That explains the slightly under average temperature.” They looked him up and down with their arms crossed. “Although I don’t blame you. I know those crappy robes don’t really do anything to protect anything except your modesty.”
Simon shifted slightly at the once over. “…yeah.”
“I’d turn up the thermostat if I could but I’m not really allowed to. Something about conserving energy for ‘more important’ things.” They rolled their eyes and sighed before uncrossing their arms.
“Blood pressure next.” They walked over to the wall on his left where many different medical devices were hung. They grabbed a large cuff with a gauge attached to it. A rubber hose hung down from it and at the end was a bulb made of the same rubber.
“Arm.” They said as they undid the velcro holding the cuff together before wrapping it around his bicep just above his elbow, tightly.
They placed the earbuds of the stethoscope in their ears and held the other part against the inner part of his elbow. The cold metal made him jump slightly.
“Sorry.” They huffed out a laugh. “It’s going to get tight but try to relax.” They warned before squeezing the bulb in multiple short bursts. The cuff tightened around his arm almost painfully. The pressure stayed for a few seconds as the doctor carefully listened to his arteries and watched the gauge.
After what felt like forever, he finally felt the cuff deflate before being taken off and hung back up. He rubbed his bicep as the doctor wrote down his results.
“So far you’re doing great. Vitals are what they should be.”
“Good to know.” He smiled awkwardly. He didn’t really know what to do or say in this situation. Being praised, even for something so small, made him feel fuzzy inside which was a weird feeling. Praise didn’t come often in his life and even though this wasn’t about some big accomplishment, he still valued it.
“Alright, we’re going to move on to a cranial nerve exam next.”
“Uh…a what?” That sounded intense and he was suddenly a little nervous.
“Cranial nerve exam. I’m testing the nerves and muscles in your face and neck. Sounds bad but it’s not. It’s basically testing your eye sight, hearing, all five senses.” They squirted some sanitizer in their hands and rubbed them together.
“I would be wearing gloves for this usually, mostly for comfort but they’ve become quite scarce and are used only for surgery and anything dealing with open wounds or infections and since I don’t see any on you…I’m not going to bother. Is that okay with you?” They asked.
“Um…yeah. Yeah that’s fine.” Simon shifted.
“Let’s start with your sense of smell.” The doctor dipped a long cotton swab into a vial of liquid and held it a few inches from his nose. “Deep breath in and tell me what you smell.”
He inhaled deeply as a familiar scent filled his lungs. “Lemon. Or just some kind of citrus.”
“Yep.” They grabbed another cotton swab and dipped it in a different vial this time. As soon as they lifted their hand, Simon reeled back as the scent hit him immediately.
“Jesus Christ…gasoline. That’s gasoline.” He covered his nose from the offensive smell.
The doctor chuckled. “Correct. That’s a very important one for you to know.” They threw away the swab and put the vials down.
“Okay, vision next. Do you wear glasses or contacts or had any kind of eye surgery in the past?” They asked as they wrote in his chart.
“No…none of that.” He sat upright again, the sting of gasoline still burning in his nose.
“Alright.” They wrote his answer down and pointed to a poster on the wall, right above the one he was staring at before they came in, of a bunch of random letters in decreasing in size downwards. “Cover one eye and read off the smallest letters you can see clearly.”
Simon covered his left eye and focused on the second to last line since the very bottom one was too blurry. “C T D…H..J.”
“Okay. Now cover the other eye and do the same thing.”
He covered his right eye and repeated the same line with less hesitation.
“Great.” They picked up a book a flipped through some pages of circles with different shades of coloured dots. “I’m going to test you for colour blindness now. Each circle has a number inside it, just tell me what number you see.” They held up one of the pages and flipped them while he read them.
“Uh, Seventy four, thirty two, eighty nine, thirty five, fourteen, six, twelve.”
They closed the book. “Okay, great. You’re not colour blind.” They placed the book down and stepped closer to him, leaving a couple feet in between them.
“I’m going to test your peripheral vision now. Look straight ahead at my nose and I’m going to hold up a finger and slowly bring it into your field of vision from all angles. Tell me when you can see it.”
They brought their finger in from the left first. “Now.” Simon told them. Next from the right. “Now.” From the top. “Now.” From the bottom. “Now.” Top right. “Now.” Top left. “Now.” Bottom left. “Now.” And bottom right. “Now.”
“Okay, now cover your left eye and tell me again when you can see my finger.”
Again, Simon told them and they repeated it with the right eye.
“So, your peripheral vision is a little narrower in your right eye but only by a little bit so it’s not a cause for concern at the moment.”
“At the moment?” He asked nervously.
“Vision changes with age and many other factors. It could be a genetic thing as well. The point is you don’t have to worry about it right now.” They gave a forced reassuring smile. The first smile he’s seen them do since they arrived.
They took out a light from their coat pocket and turned it on and stepped closer to the point they were brushing against his knee.
“Look straight ahead again and this time I’m going to shine a light in your eye. Try not to close your eye or look at the light.”
True enough, a bright yellow light was shone on the side of his left eye and held there for a few seconds before being moved away and back into his eye. They repeated the same for the right eye.
“Close your eyes. Tell me when you can see the light.”
He closed his eyes and saw the light shining through. “Now.” The light was moved away.
“Open your eyes and don’t blink.”
As soon as he did the light was back in his eyes and he flinched a little and tried not to blink.
“Perfect. Your pupils are responding to light perfectly. That’s really good, especially for where you’re going.” They turned the light off and went back to his chart to write it down.
“Right…” He sighed.
“Look at the wall for me.” He could see them hold up a pen in his line of sight despite it being blurry. “Now look at the pen.” The pen shifted into focus as the wall became blurry. “Back to the wall….now back to the pen. Good. Now keep looking at the pen but don’t move your head, just your eyes.” The pen slowly got closer before moving to the left, then up, then to the right, then down, back to the left, diagonally up to the right, and back to the centre.
“Okay, good. Just a few more eye tests and we can move on.” They moved over to the light switch and dimmed turned off the fluorescent light directly above him making the room a little dimmer. Before getting close to him again. “I’m going to shine the light in your eye again but this time I’m looking at the back of your eye so look up for me.” The light came into view as he looked up. “And to the right…the left…and down. Okay, good.” They repeated it with the other eye.
“Alright,” they clicked the light off and placed it back in their pocket, walking over to the light switch to turn it back on before picking out a cotton swab. “I’m going to gently touch the corner of your eye with this. I just want to see how it will respond so don’t think too much.”
The soft cotton touched his inner eye which caused him to blink, same with the other eye.
“That’s exactly what I wanted to happen. Good job. Vision test over. Moving on to the nerves in your face.”
Simon shifted in his spot, the paper crinkling underneath him and the thin fabric of the robe shifting. He was anxious for this to end. He wanted everything to be over with. He wanted to right his wrongs and get back to society. Get back to freedom.
“I’m going to lightly poke various parts of your face with this,” they held up a little flat wooden stick. “And I want you to tell me when you feel it, okay?”
He nodded.
“Close your eyes.”
He felt each poke, his right cheek, forehead, chin, left cheek, side of his nose, his forehead again, jaw. Each time telling them when he felt it.
“Open your eyes. Did any of those feel lighter in any place?”
“Mmmm no. Pretty much the same all around.” He replied.
“Pretty much the same, okay good.”
He felt that spike of happiness at the praise again. Was he really this starved of approval? He wanted them to touch him again. Not for any weird reason, he just craved physical attention and didn’t even know it until now.
The test was repeated again with the same cotton swab used on his eyes. The same results too.
“Time for muscles now. I want you to shrug your shoulders as high as you can and I’m going to gently push down on them, resist against my hands.”
He thought he was ready for it but as soon as they pressed down on his shoulders, he shivered. Despite that, he was able to resist their hands and he was a little disappointed when their touch left.
They had them do the same process while they pushed against his forehead and with his tongue on either side of the inside of the cheek.
He thought he was okay now. He thought he could handle touch. But when the doctor asked him to lean his face into their hand and resist them pushing against it, he nearly failed.
Their warm hand was gently holding the side of his face, almost like a lover would, and if he was any weaker, he would’ve forgotten to push his face into their hand. Fuck. This wasn’t fair. He knew how inappropriate it would be but he just wanted to pull them in for a hug and rest his face in their neck. He didn’t mean anything by it, he just wanted connection so desperately. He didn’t even realize how deprived he was until little slivers of it was given.
He hadn’t realized how zoned out he was until the doctor spoke again.
“Quick hearing test and then we’ll move on to a physical.”
He had a tuning fork placed near each ear one at a time and told when the sound faded completely, repeated words that were whispered to him, and held up a hand on each side when he heard them snap on either side of him. Passing those just as easily.
“I’m going to check your respiratory system now. If you could shift to face away from me so I can reach your back that would be nice.” They rubbed the metal part of their stethoscope on their palm to warm it up as he turned away from them.
“Each time you feel the stethoscope touch your back I want you to take a deep breath in and then let it out.” They placed the earbuds in and maneuvered their hand through the loosely tied sides of the gown he was wearing and placed it on his upper back. He took a deep breath in and out. He continued this each time they moved their hand.
They moved to his chest and had him do the same thing. He tried to look at anything but their face.
“Gonna take a quick listen to your heart. You can breathe like normal.”
This time he glanced at them and looked over their facial features. He felt like committing them to memory, he had no idea when or if he would see them again and he didn’t want to forget one of the only people that have showed him any sort of kindness since his conviction.
He didn’t care that this was their job and they were probably the same with all their patients. When kindness doesn’t come for free or rarely at all out there…you take what you can get.
“Everything sounds great. Strong lungs and heart.”
He smiled.
“One last thing.” They grabbed a small hammer looking thing made of rubber. “I’m going to test your reflexes by tapping your elbows and knees with this. It won’t hurt but it might feel a little odd.”
They held up his arm by the bicep and let it hang from the elbow.
“Completely relax your arm.” He let his weight rest in their hand as they gently but firmly tapped his elbow with the hammer causing his arm to slightly twitch. The same thing happened when switched to the other arm.
“Good. Now just relax your legs.” With a tap to each knee his legs kicked out a bit. It did feel a bit weird. He didn’t know he could involuntarily move like that.
“Well…you’re perfectly healthy and fit for your duty.” They replied as they finished writing in his chart.
“Great.”
“Mhm. All that’s left is some quick vaccines and you’re good to go.”
Oh shit. He forgot about that.
They pulled out three needles and some vials, carefully measuring them out before bringing them over to him along with some other things. They could sense his nervousness.
“Scared?”
“No-“
“You’re not the first grown man in here to be scared of needles.” They smirked.
“I’m not scared.” He replied sternly. “It’s just….been a long time.”
“You’ll be fine. It’s a really thin needle you won’t even feel it go in.” They tore open one of the alcohol pads and wiped it across his outer bicep near his shoulder. “Just relax. Being tense won’t help.”
Easy for them to say.
They held the side of his arm to keep him steady, or maybe bring some comfort he wasn’t sure. He felt a small pinch and the sudden pressure of a cotton bud being firmly pressed against him. He looked over to see them smiled at him.
“See? Really quick.” They removed the cotton ball and placed a small round band aid on it. “Two more and you’re all done.”
They cleaned another area close to the first one when he asked them something.
“What are these for?”
“The one I just gave you is a flu shot, there’s been a rise of that recently, especially among people that don’t get to see doctors that often. The other two are for tetanus and polio.” Another pinch while he was distracted along with another cotton ball right after.
“I’ll do the last one in your other arm.” They bandaged the small pinprick wound and moved to the other side, repeating the routine again.
“There. All done. Your arms might feel a little sore and you might feel a little nauseous for a while as your body gets used to it. But you should be feeling fine in time for your descent.” They explained as they threw everything in a little trash bin, except the needles that went into a designated yellow box on the wall.
They picked up the chart and looked over it to make sure they didn’t miss anything.
“I’ll leave you to get dressed and someone will be in soon to escort you back. If you make it back, you’ll have another check up scheduled before you’re released. Good luck.” Before they leaved, he stopped them.
“What do you mean if I make it back? Don’t you mean when?” Their silence made him nervous.
They sighed and looked down before glancing back at him and holding eye contact. The look in their eyes was harrowing. The eyes that he thought held the ugly fluorescent light in the most dazzling way were now dull, holding secrets he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“….If. Good luck.” And they left, the door shutting behind them.
What Simon didn’t know was that he wasn’t the first prisoner they have done check ups for. And he wasn’t the first person to look at them as if they were an angel. They have sent many men and women straight to their brutal deaths. Like a grim reaper in scrubs.
And another thing he didn’t know…was that that was the last time he would ever feel the touch of another person.