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Ragatha was lying awake. A fairly normal occurrence for her but alas for a different reason entirely. She stared at her ceiling. She felt an oh so familiar feeling rising in her. She sat up but it rose up to her face and began spilling out her eyes.
“No.” she quietly said as she wiped away her tears. “We’re done with this, I had a good day!”
The tears didn’t cease because no matter how good the day was it didn’t take away the hurt. She was missing them. She was missing them bad. She always misses her abstracted friends. But for some reason, especially today, she was missing one in particular.
It started at a pond in the adventure. Just the simple thought of “Oh Ribbit would like that”. Then the stars were out, and that same thought popped into her mind except a painful sadness was starting to seep through like an overfilled sponge. Suddenly the adventure was the last thing Ragatha wanted to be doing and was fighting tears so bad towards the end. Poor Pomni tried to ask what was wrong but Ragatha knew if she spoke, she would burst.
“They abstracted a while ago!” she spoke at a louder volume than she intended. “I just… I should be okay by now…” she said much quieter as the tears silenced her once more. She clutched her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her tears soaked into her fabric and the plushness muffled the sound of her sobs.
Eventually she composed herself. She didn’t feel better. Just sick of crying. She leaned over her bed and her hand touched a piece of paper she hid under her bed. Just touching it brought the tears right back and blurred her vision as she picked it up. She looked away from the paper to blink away the tears as she unfolded it and took a few deep breaths.
She was holding a poem. A poem she wrote for Ribbit. It was just supposed to be a fun poem about anyone and for some reason she made it about Ribbit. She should have stopped when she wrote the line “Despite it all, you painted the room in vivid vibrato”. She choked on a sob as she reread the line. Oh she missed her singing. What she would GIVE to hear it again.
Ragatha finished reading the poem and set it down to begin to cry again. Why she did that to herself, she had no clue. She eventually tucked the poem away again. She grabbed a blank piece of lined paper she stashed away. It's always good to have spare paper. She picked up a pen and began to write.
Dear Ribbit…
She set the paper down. The front was full with words of sorrow and longing for this friend. The back held the same but only went halfway down. She thought maybe just pretending to talk to them about her day would help, it would make this weight lighten but it might have just crushed her more. God, she just wished they were there. To verbally tell Ribbit about her day instead of writing a letter that was going to collect dust. She felt greedy that even just seeing them one last time wouldn’t be enough, she wanted her permanently back in her life.
She rose from her bed. She knew she couldn’t just stay here. A quick glance in the mirror, yep, it was pretty obvious she was crying but she can’t do much about that now.
By now the hallway of rooms was silent as everyone had already retired to their quarters to sleep off the previous adventure. Ragatha had been here long enough to know that it's very unlikely she would run into anyone at this hour.
She walked down the hallway, holding her arm as she often did. The other arm held the poem and the letter. She averted her eyes as she passed Kaufmo’s room. She felt guilty that she missed Ribbit more even though he left more recently. That thought made her tears resurface and one rolled down her cheek for Kaufmo.
Finally, right before a left turn in the hallway, there it was. There she was. Her green smiling portrait on her door with a big obnoxious red X crossed over it. Her plush hand reached for her face but she stopped short. She reached for the door handle instead. She attempted to turn it but it didn’t move.
She knew this. She knew Caine locked the abstracted’s rooms. She was just maybe hoping it wasn’t true. That everything that she knew was true was not. The sky is green, the door is unlocked, and Ribbit is sitting behind it with their warm smile. Tears fell once more as she tugged at the handle. She dropped the papers and tried to turn the handle with her other hand. She stopped pulling at it and rested her head on the door. Face to the floor as tears fell straight onto the floor in front of the door. She sank to her knees and covered her face with her hands.
Her breath quickened and suddenly she felt light headed. She knew she needed to calm down but how could she when she was gone? They are all gone. Locked away in that cellar. Cast away into the shadows for the rest of time as meanwhile, she and the rest of the circus members frolic around through these mind-numbing adventures. Just expected to ignore the absence of their friend. Of her friend. How could anyone be okay with this? How has anyone moved on?
She slowed her breathing and tears fell slower. She turned her back to the door and rested her head against Ribbit’s door, facing out to the hallway. She looked at the dim ceiling to avoid the portraits of anyone else staring back at her in her vulnerable moment. She turned back to see her papers for Ribbit wet with tear spots.
“UGH” she groaned as tears filled her vision and she started crying again. Not only is she pathetically crying in this hallway with her dumb poem and letter but she also got them wet from her own sadness. She opened them to see that the words on them were still legible and mostly unaltered and that made her calm down. She stared at the words on the page, not reading them just staring. She folded them up and turned back to face the door.
She slipped the pages under the door. She was surprised that they actually did disappear to the other side. She smiled weakly at knowing that Ribbit's room still exists, even if she can’t go in. She hasn’t been completely erased from the circus as Caine seemingly wants her and everyone else unable to partake in his adventures to be. She breathes a good long breath as she leans back but still faces the door.
A voice from behind her startles her. “Ragatha?” She jumps and turns to see who it is, tears still staining her face. She is met with a very concerned chess piece that towers over her. A startled noise escapes her as she falls back onto Ribbit's door. Despite being thankful it was Kinger and not Jax, it was still frightening in the dark.
“Oh, I’m sorry to scare you,” He said as he crouched down to her level and met her eyes. She turned away to avoid his blue eyes in hopes he wouldn’t notice her obvious crying.
“Are you okay?” She didn’t answer. She tensed up at the question and her vision blurred with tears on the horizon again. No. She was not okay. But she should be. This is stupid. They abstracted a long time ago. Long enough that she shouldn’t have to immediately bail after the adventure to cry all night in her room.
Kinger looked away from her. “Kind of a bad question, I guess”. He shifted to sitting and slid next to her. Ragatha still avoided his gaze. “May I ask what happened?”
Ragatha tried to open her mouth to answer his polite question but a sob came out instead and she frantically covered her mouth again. Kinger said nothing and waited as Ragatha fought to try and speak. She eventually composed herself but knew one word and she’d be in tears again. She raised a hand and pointed to Ribbit’s portrait.
“Oh.” He quietly said. “I see.”
He reached his hand to her shoulder as Ragatha still avoided looking at him. They sat quietly, occasionally interrupted by a quiet Ragatha sniffle.
“I guess that's why you seemed off on the adventure today?” he questioned. Ragatha nodded but still said nothing. Kinger didn’t ask anymore questions and sat with her. Eventually Ragatha realized he was waiting for her to speak.
“I-” she started but she felt her throat close up in protest. She paused to wipe the tears. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. There’s a million thoughts buzzing through her head, so much so that they try to escape by leaking out her eyes. “I-I don’t know… I j-just.. Miss them a lot t-today ” She finally stammered. She hated that that was what ended out coming out of her mouth but Kinger seemed to nod and understand what she meant.
She half laughed and half sobbed as she added, “It's so weird to m-miss someone so bad when they are still in this world.” She finally looked at Kinger but his quiet concern made her eyes dart away from him again.
“I think,” he started but stopped to quietly choose his words carefully, “It’s not weird. They are still not in your life and you are allowed to feel hurt in their absence.” he finally said
Ragatha didn’t necessarily agree but she said nothing. She still felt ridiculous for getting this worked up for no reason. She sniffed and a tear rolled down her cheek.
Kinger shifted and sat with his back completely against the door and looked up thoughtfully. ”Someone told me once, that grief comes in waves. Some days you are standing in a puddle and suddenly it feels like the waves are over your head and you're drowning.” He finished his thought to look back at Ragatha.
It felt weird to call the feeling grief when Ribbit is still out there, somewhere. However weird as it may be Ragatha did agree eventually it was grief. She sighed tiredly and leaned her whole back against Ribbit’s door and let her arms fall beside her. She still didn’t speak; a single tear fell down her face and onto her hand.
“The thing is.. Grief never goes away either. It’s always there in some way” Ragatha was taken aback a bit at this statement and looked away but agreed with it. She always missed Ribbit. She always missed everyone who had abstracted. She was just drowning today in a flash flood of missing this particular frog.
“I may not remember them too well all the time…” Kinger began and Ragatha looked up at him in this shift. “But their absence gets overwhelming from time to time… I know it all too well.”
“H-how,” she stammered before swallowing the lump trying to come back in her throat, “How do you move on?” She fiddled with her arm as she grasped it in her other hand. She hoped that didn’t come off as wanting to forget Ribbit, just wanting to not be as haunted as she was now.
“You never really do.” Kinger responded without missing a beat. “In a way, the world around you will eventually get bigger than the pain of losing them. Then, you can keep going. It just takes time.”
Kinger reached out to hug Ragatha and the ragdoll threw herself into the chess piece. They stayed in a warm embrace and a few more of Ragatha’s tears slipped onto Kinger’s robe. Kinger didn’t move until Ragatha eventually pulled back.
“Thank you, Kinger.” she sniffed. He smiled warmly to the best of his ability considering he didn’t have a mouth.
“Ribbit was such a bright presence here, I think we all miss her dearly” He said as he glanced up the hallway towards a particular door but Ragatha couldn’t see which one. However, she had a guess.
She laughed a bit as a few more tears saturated her face, "That's one way to put it!” She smiled remembering Ribbit's quips and the life they seemed to bring every dull adventure. She was so unapologetically her in a way Ragatha found inspiring, despite being younger than the ragdoll. She was loud and funny and never let the circus dim her. Or at least not until the end…
Remembering her suddenly turned from warm and comforting to sharp as the familiar feeling of grief stabbed at her again. Ragatha covered her face again but not for too long as she felt hands wrap around her and Kinger hugged Ragatha in the ball she curled herself into. She lifted her head and leaned into the hug, before shifting away from him.
“What were you sliding under the door?” Kinger asked while tilting his head. She forgot he definitely watch her do that and cringed a bit.
“I-uh.. I wrote a letter.. And a poem.. For Ribbit…” she trailed off wanting to explain herself more but fearing she would only look more foolish than she already did.
Kinger nodded and said, “That's.. Really sweet.. I’m sure they would appreciate that.” Tears came back as she took in the words. The idea that Ribbit would appreciate not being forgotten. That they meant something to everyone in this circus. That she left an asteroid impact when she left. It did make Ragatha feel better about being out here in this hallway. Crying at her door. She could imagine Ribbit also comforting her in this hallway as they all sat together.
Eventually the image of Ribbit faded and so did the tears that were streaming down Ragatha’s face. Ragatha was exhausted now. She just wanted to sleep. Maybe forever but that wasn’t a choice she could make.
“Kinger.. Thanks for sitting with me” She said honestly and met his pale blue eyes.
“Of course Ragatha.. You’re not alone and we all miss them. All of them” He said as he pulled her into one final embrace before releasing her. “Goodnight Ragatha.” he waved as she walked through her door.
“Goodnight Kinger,” She said as she closed the door. Back here. In her room. She felt a little lighter. Some combination of talking with Kinger and giving Ribbit the letter and poem written for her helped clear the storm clouds of grief that sent her into a torrent of sadness. She flopped down onto her bed. She scanned the room from surface to surface before her eyes closed and she was allowed to sleep through the night.