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“Be careful Teddy.”
Jonathan ends the call feeling like a shape of lead just fell onto his back. Something feels off - Jonathan woke up with this prickle on the neck and he hasn’t managed to brush it off ever since. His fingers tingle with the need to dial back Teddy, to tell him to abort, that it’s too dangerous, that Roper is onto them…
That’s when it hit him.
Roper is one step ahead of them.
He is.
He has too.
His heartbeat fastens and he tries to hide to his teammates his shaky breaths as his brain goes on overload. A part of him tells himself that paranoia is normal, that fear is to be welcome, if there’s no fear, then there’s carelessness and nobody wants that when you’re one step away from a coup…
But his body knows. Deep deep down, in this special place that carried Jonathan through hell and more, that helped him be Andrew and Matthew and Alex even when he couldn’t remember who he was supposed to be.
Richard Roper was fooled once, he would not be fooled twice.
And before Jonathan can truly understand what’s happening, something snaps in his body and he makes a decision there’s no coming back from.
“Uh… I need a bit of fresh air.” He says to Sally who nods, looking way more composed than Jonathan right now and he tries not to look at her when he brushes past her to get to the door, afraid all of his feelings might show on his face.
She probably thinks nerves are normal right now but she still doesn’t really understand Jonathan. She still thinks of him as Alex with a different name. Truth is, she can’t know Jonathan because she never met Andrew. And barely had a glimpse of Matthew. Truth is Jonathan Pine is barely a mirror, an empty suit, that still bears the presence of who he was once and behind that… Well, there’s chaos and things Jonathan can barely understand himself.
That’s why he hated when he had to go to therapy. Hated the feeling that someone could see right through him, all the questions and nightmares and anger and want, all tucked away in a box, wrapped by the boring and soothing envelope that was Alex.
Sally can’t understand that Jonathan doesn’t get nervous. He never doubts, he acts, following the moral compass that has become his spine for the last ten years. Praying that he would never break, because then the shrink would be right… He would not be nice to be in Jonathan’s orbit when chaos would come to be.
Outside, he breathes a little easier, shoulders set. He gets his phone out and dials the number.
“Are you ready to surrender ?” He says when Roper picks up.
“No, did you consider my offer ?”
The silence that follows feels deafening. Jonathan wets his lips and considers his next words carefully.
“Fifty millions is not enough if you want me to disappear.”
For a moment, Jonathan can almost picture Richard’s face, how he must feel flabbergasted for a second then suspicious then back at what he knows best : doing business.
“You know, greed isn’t a good look on anyone, especially you and on a day like this when you’re finally letting yourself be who you truly are.”
Jonathan squeezes the phone tight in his hand. His brain - who’s still full of everything he learnt about duty and honor and love for his country - wants him to hang out, get back in the room and follow the plan. Well, his brain will have to catch up.
He did something, his guts keep telling him. You can’t know what but when you think you have the upperhand, he’ll show you how wrong you are. Because, the first time you got lucky and at the end, you didn’t win, did you ?
No, he didn’t. Because, if he had, he wouldn’t be talking with Richard Roper right now.
“I need assurances.”
There’s a heavy sigh on the end of the line.
“You’re starting to become boring. Yes, yes, I won’t hurt the people who’ve been helping you. Though, you said you were all on your own. Not that I believed you. You used to be a better liar Jonathan.” Richard taunts at the end of the line.
Jonathan doesn’t answer. His mouth is dry as he forms his next words, knowing that he is not only gambling with his life. He feels the weight of them on his tongue, swallows twice and even after that, he can’t seem to voice his thoughts out loud.
“So, fifty millions, no hurting Burr and whoever helped you and I never hear about you ever again ? Do we have a deal ?” Richard’s voice seems to have lost any kind of amability, he’s probably feeling his victory over Jonathan, of evil versus good and his patience seems to be running low.
“And Teddy.” Jonathan finally manages to say, hoping the other man will forgive him, hoping he hasn’t read all of this wrong.
No, he hasn’t. He knows. He knew. From the moment he recognizes Richard Roper’s eyes on the most devastating face he ever saw - so fucking handsome he should be illegal - he knew he would end that way. Don’t ask him how but he knew and the first time he shook Teddy’s hand, felt the electricity sparked in his body when their skins met, well…
So many nights he has woken up from nightmares, sheets cold with sweat, dread in his stomach as he saw the faces of the children, the innocent women, all these people who died because Jonathan couldn’t save them. The only calming thought that could get him to lie down, not go insane, was that at the end, Roper was dead. That he might have been too late but he had avenged them.
Except Roper wasn’t dead. And now, Jonathan is right back from where he started. Innocent people close to death, war and blood ready to unleash but this time, there’s a difference. This time, Jonathan has more to lose. Before, if he hadn’t made it, he would have died and that would have been it. This time, if he fails, he’s not the only one at risk.
And he can’t bear that thought.
“What about Teddy ?” Asks Roper and his voice is cold as ice. That tells Jonathan everything he needs to know.
“Teddy’s coming with me” He answers, final and no more doubting. Richard cares for his son but not enough, not like he cares for Danny. He wouldn’t do anything to keep Teddy safe. Jonathan would. He would let a country burn and his own get on a path you don’t recover from because there’s something about Teddy Richard can’t see. Something raw and precious that can’t be put into words.
A thing that pushed Jonathan to wrap his hand around Teddy’s head and to tell him “I’ll pray for you Eduardo”. A thing that tugs on something’s inside Jonathan’s, painful and euphoric. A thing you can’t move on from.
Heavy silence follows his request then a laugh that can only be described as nasty. Jonathan pulls the phone away from his ear and still, he can Richard laughs and laughs like the man inhaled some laughing gas.
“Teddy ? Really ? First Jed, my paramour and now you’re telling me that my son…”
Roper doesn’t finish the sentence and Jonathan doesn’t reply. What could he say ? That whatever there was between him and Jed, it’s nothing compared to what he feels for Teddy. It’s not about love, it’s more than attraction, it’s something else.
Maybe a psychologist would go on about how Teddy is a man, how Jonathan always knew he was bi (and if he didn’t, what happened in the army would have been a wake up call) but always favour his attraction for women because it was easier, more acceptable in society. Maybe a shrink would question his attraction for younger men, how the ones he ended up sharing a night with were a bit like Teddy, rough and fragile at the same time, in search of a role model Jonathan would take on for a couple of hours. Maybe they would point out his obsession for Richard Roper and how this couple with attraction could result in something dangerous.
But they would be wrong. Or maybe not wrong because it was a bit of that, of beautiful dark hair, and tanned skin, and young soul and Roper’s eyes and a need to take care of and in the same time, awe for the strength he could see in Teddy’s body, arms who could cage him and hold him down.
What is missing in all of this is the inexplicable truth that Teddy belongs to Jonathan and Jonathan belongs to Teddy and how he can’t really explain it but everything in him yearns to hold Eduardo and to be held by him.
And that, Jonathan never felt it. Not for Jed or any men or women that shared his bed.
That is the thing every love song is about and yet can’t manage to put into words because there’s no words, just that feeling.
“Teddy” repeats Roper and this time, he feels more like a revelation. Like he’s finally putting the final piece of the puzzle and he’s able to see the whole picture.
It’s the tone of a man who knew something was up but couldn’t explain. It confirms every fear Jonathan had : if he had pursued the plan, he might have thought he won until Richard showed him otherwise.
“Fifty millions, you don’t hurt Burr or any agent you might have suspicions on and you let Teddy go. And you’ll never see me again.” He confirms, voice solid, knowing he made the right decision. Even if Richard doesn’t answer right away, Jonathan is sure he won’t protest. He might feel shocked and angry at the idea of being betrayed by his son but in the end, he’ll be relieved. Jonathan is backing off and taking one of his biggest problems with him.
“If I ever see Teddy again, I’ll put a bullet between his eyes. Same goes for you.” This time, it isn’t cold, it’s deadly.
Jonathan doesn’t answer, he simply hangs up, knowing that behind that threat, there’s an agreement. No more, no less.
He pockets his phone and without a second glance, he starts walking away. In a couple of minutes, Sally will come down, worry and she’ll assume the worst but Jonathan can’t manage the energy to care right now. The only thing that matters is to get to Teddy.
******
When he arrives at the rendezvous, Teddy looks a little rough on the edge. His hair is not as tidy as usual and he has dust on his face. He also looks like a kid that made a mistake. Two more steps and he sees the body and Teddy doesn’t have to say a word for him to get it.
Jonathan knows Teddy carries every death like he does too. He understands how important it was for him to be reunited with his sister again, to ask her forgiveness for his sins inside a church and how in betraying his father, Teddy was trying to be a new man. A man that is not a killer.
And just for that, Jonathan knows that Teddy didn’t have a choice. It was either him or Juan.
“Help me” he simply says and they both pick up the body and throw it on the side of the mountain, where it’ll hopefully be swollen by nature.
Teddy turns around then, shoulders set, trying not to show any fear as they are supposed to move on to the next step of the plan, which involves tying Johnathan up.
“There’s been a change in the plan. Get in the car.” He orders, opening the passenger door to make clear that he’s driving.
Teddy frowns, not moving, clearly not liking being ordered around.
“What change ?”
Jonathan doesn’t answer, just gives him a look he hopes convey his hurry and his fear and something else, something like I want you, you drive me crazy, I can’t live without you, I never felt that way before, to keep you safe I would let the world burn.
Teddy frowns some more but eventually, he gets in the car and Jonathan hops on behind the wheel, keys in the ignition and he starts to back on the road when Teddy’s hand lands on his thigh.
Could have been his knees but no, his fingers press in the flesh near his crotch and he knows it’s not sexual, it’s more of a claim, a promise for later but if that doesn’t get Jonathan all hot and bothered.
“Talk to me.” Teddy demands, eyes catching Jonathan’s in a way he can’t escape.
“Your father knows.” He simply answers, hoping it will stay to that for now. He’ll explain. When they’re out of Colombia, far away from Roper and his war and the British intelligence.
“What do you mean ? How can he know ?” There’s so much more Teddy wants to say, it’s obvious because in truth, Richard wouldn't know if Jonathan hadn’t told him. There was little trace, no proof, the only possibility could have been Richard getting suspicious.
It would take too long to explain right now but he also knows Teddy won’t go anywhere with him without the beginning of an explanation.
He turns a little toward Teddy, keeping eye contact, hoping that his look will tell him as much as the words he carefully chooses.
“Ten years ago, when I blew Richard’s operation, I almost got caught again and again. I got lucky. The only reason I managed to get this far was because your father got cocky and didn’t think he could be spied on. Today’s different. I know Richard. I got as close as I could and I know this time he’ll assume the worst. From anyone. If I failed ten years ago, he would have killed me and that would have been it. But today, if we fail, it’s not just me who dies…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence. He can’t. Can’t bear the idea of Teddy dying. From the moment they met, he knew he would do anything to keep him safe. Same as he promised himself with Danny all those years ago except it is nothing like that.
He grabs Teddy’s hand on his tight and squeezes, still staring. And then, because he’s greedy, he is, but also because he needs Teddy to trust him, more than he already has, he leans his body over the console and with other hand, he pulls Teddy’s head against his own, until their foreheads stick to each other. His fingers slip in the hair, so soft, and he whispers :
“Have faith in me Eduardo.”
And Teddy, beautiful Teddy, does.
******
At the airport though, after he asks Teddy if he has his passport, it becomes obvious that it’s going to take more than faith to get Eduardo in any plane.
Teddy does have his passport, he answers him with a short “Who do you take me for ?” and maybe that’s another reason he and Teddy click more and more every second.
Because they're both orphans, they both live the kind of life where they carry all their lives in their phones and wallets and can take planes and change life just like that, with only the clothes they’re wearing.
Except Teddy never got on a plane. Ever.
He flew in helicopters but he never left his country and wasn’t planning on it any time soon.That much is clear.
“I’m not going to England.” He says, arms crossed and looking petulant. Jonathan doesn’t know what it says about him that he wants to kiss away that pout.
“We’re not going to England.”
“Well, I’m not going to the States either. What is this ? Run away ? Como un cobarde con el rabo entre las piernas.”
No, it’s saving both of our lives, thinks Jonathan. He doesn’t answer that, instead he gently pulls Teddy aside from the middle of the airport and the marching crowd.
“Listen Teddy, I know what I said. I helped you find your sister again. I asked you to betray your father. I asked you to trust me and to put your life at risk. I know but things’ve changed…
- Because you’re convinced my father knows.
- I know he knows.
- How ? How can you be so sure ?
- I told him alright !”
He doesn’t mean to lose his temper and the look of betrayal onTeddy’s face is too much. Jonathan feels like he’s spiraling. Like it’s finally happened, he lost it and now, there’s not much he wouldn’t do to get Teddy away from this.
“Eduardo, please listen to me. I… Earlier, before I… If things had gone according to plan, I would have told you that once it was over you could disappear in the woods, in the country, live a happy life with your sister, make a family of your own. But then I got this feeling… This feeling that everything would go wrong and I realized… I realized that I can’t bear to lose you. Either way. And I… I just can’t Teddy. I don’t understand half of it myself. I just can’t, I can’t…”
He’s starting to hyperventilate right now in the middle of the airport. Flashes of what he’s done, the war he decided to close his eyes on and the deaths, the thousand of deaths he could have tried to stop if only…
“Shhh, shhh, tranquilo.” Teddy whispers. He pulls Jonathan into a hug, slowly rocking him, still talking to him in spanish, voice soothing and Jonathan feels some tension bleed out. They stay like that for a few minutes before Teddy steps back a little, eyes meeting once again.
“You made a deal with him, didn’t you ?”
Jonathan nods, tears stinging his eyes as he tries not to crumble like a piece of paper.
“I did. I’m so sorry Teddy. I took away your freedom and your family but I…
- Shhhh. Don’t. Don’t apologize. You made a deal with my father. To save my life. Even if it means that there will be a war. You chose me over thousands of people. No one ever did this for me.”
There’s awe in Teddy’s voice and something a bit darker, something possessive and flattered by Jonathan’s action. An answer to Jonathan’s own darkness and he feels his heart beat faster.
“You should have told me from the beginning. I could never be mad at you for wanting me.
- I don’t know how to not want you.” He whispers back.
This time, it’s Teddy who cradles his face, their breaths mingle and there’s little space between their lips but Jonathan can barely stand right now. It’s like all the adrenaline of the past few days suddenly left his body and he doesn’t think he can handle kissing Teddy right now.
It’s already a lot to have Teddy wanting him back and not judging him.
“I hope you never find out how then.
- Never.” He promised.
Teddy smiles, a small, broken smile and Jonathan might not understand all of it, might not like who he’s becoming and the result of his choice but he also knows right now, that Teddy is his forever. That he’ll choose him over and over again.
“Ok then. Let’s get on that plane”.
Jonathan nods, smiles a bit as well and links his fingers with Teddy’s.
And together, they walk away and Jonathan knows that whatever the future holds, whatever names he’ll have to take, he won’t matter. As long as Teddy stands at his side.