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So… there’s this guy.
patience is something the virtuous posess, right?
but thats far from anything i’ll be
because ive lost it, lost that and my temper
how stupid do i look, crawling around
trying to find it, to put myself back together
like you always did.
sotd: my december - linkin park
(Yu was pretty sure it’s a guy, anyway.)
As far as questionable ideas went, this was among Yosuke’s better ones, he supposed. Yu had never been particularly tech-savvy, but upon suggestion he begrudgingly chose to dip his toe into social media during the summer of 2009. It was much different than he was expecting—not to say he had a particular expectation, but even if he had it never could’ve prepared him for what he found.
There were pages and pages of people giving daily journals of their lives, random gripes about everyday occurrences and about people with no names. Artwork that could be seen in a museum or in the pages of weekly manga, photographs of spaces that made him feel like he was in an entirely new place. Collections of love for music and film, threads of video games new and old.
But Yu was still pretty old school. Just like a grandpa, as Nanako might tease sometimes. So like any crotchety and stubborn ojisan, he gravitated towards literature.
Yu always loved reading, and felt right at home in a book. There were words on a page that expressed emotions he never could with his own mouth. But nonetheless there were plenty of people online who tried their very best to do the same.
It was amateurish, Yu knew. But if he’d wanted perfect prose he’d go to a bookstore. He wanted something real, something flawed.
There’s a few people on VibeJournal he’d been watching over the posts of, but there’s only one he checked in on consistently. His username is xpridefromfearx, and Yu was more than a little attached to him. When he posted happier poetry, Yu had a better day; when he posted frustrated or sad poetry, Yu started missing his old friends. He’d lose motivation quickly and just start texting Yosuke out of necessity.
“Don’t you have homework?”
“Don’t you?”
“Hey now,” Yosuke chuckled over the phone, as a call was almost always what it devolved into, “don’t answer my question with a question.”
“Sorry,” Yu apologized. “I guess I’m just having a rough day.”
“Oh yeah? Something happen?”
“Not… really,” Yu bit his lip. It really hadn’t been much worse than any other day, to be honest. “I just read something that kind of upset me.”
“I swear, you’re turning into Dojima-san… everyone knows to lay off checking the news, partner,” Yosuke sighed. “But to be fair, my day was pretty crappy, too.”
Yu didn’t correct his friend’s assumption, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s alright,” Yosuke assured. “It’s better now ‘cause you gave me an excuse not to do my homework.”
“I definitely didn’t.”
“Do you have to ruin everything?”
“I bought the album you recommended this weekend. Wanna cue it up?”
“Oh, hell yeah!” That immediately seemed to snap Yosuke out of his stupor.
This was the new thing Yu and Yosuke did while apart: listen to music together. It started around the same time Yosuke had suggested the social media thing; apparently he’d found a lot of great new music recommendations that way. The only bad thing was, Yu would need to listen to the tracks a good few times by himself afterwards as he got too caught up in Yosuke’s commentary during the first time through.
Yu got his homework done eventually, and so did Yosuke. He made them exchange pictures of the completed assignments to prove a point, though Yosuke’s set was mostly obscured by him flipping the bird. Yu went to sleep smiling.
The next morning, xpridefromfearx had posted another poem.
youre the eye of the storm
the dance of the clouds that blows me away
up and into the stratosphere
where i only see your light
and i never wanna come back down.
sotd: smother me - the used
It’s going to be a good day.
~*~
Yu felt a bit foolish about the whole thing. And maybe a bit like a stalker.
Rise had just laughed at him, saying he couldn’t imagine some of the things people left on her social media posts. Yu didn’t want to. She tried encouraging him to comment on xpridefromfearx’s posts, but Yu felt mortified. Who was he to judge or comment on another person’s art? At this point, Rise decided he was a lost cause.
He was being childish. What if xpridefromfearx was some old pervert? Or a child? Yu had started to become invested in a stranger whose life could be completely fabricated in these poems.
But in his heart, he knew the feelings being expressed were real.
i used to have a line, or a word
but these days i cant get it past my throat
no one really asked but theres no one to tell
im always cold, afterwards.
if theres anything i hate its a liar.
no wonder i hate myself most of all.
sotd: burn - three days grace
It was times like these were Yu just wanted to reach out. Encourage him that he wasn’t alone. So one day, he did.
Something in the heart
That is waiting to be read
Though never in words
And to Yu’s shock, he even got a reply, too:
haiku? under my posts? its more likely than you think. xD
Yu did not respond to this one.
There was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind, though, that he couldn’t describe. So any time he felt the urge, he locked into his old mindset from his past seemingly pointless part-time job from a year ago to respond to childish freeform poetry with equally immature haiku.
i see where you once stood through 5 yen coins
and watch them disappear down the saisen
in my wishes for your safe return
to my memory before you fade away.
sotd: before the lobotomy - green day
A string to connect
Two people across a place
And beyond all time
everyone knows how i feel.
i feel like a walking cliche most days
though i can never find the edge of the stage
its just going on forever
but the audience just keeps laughing at me
sotd: disloyal order of water buffalos - fall out boy
Shall I play the fool
Who bends to the whims of all
Or to just my own?
It was times like these where Yu felt they really understood each other, and it wasn’t just in the way they conveyed certain things with intricate wordplay. There had to be certain shared life experiences, and the thought made some difficult feelings start to swell when he really didn’t want them to.
you made the streetlights glow
my heart swell and burst.
you made the fireworks look dull by comparison
the taste of soda wish it were your mouth
i like to think the warmth of your hands is a secret
just for me.
sotd: joy ride - the killers
He found it strange that mere poetry could actually make him feel like this. Jealous, that is. Of two things, which seemed to perplex Yu more than he’d like to admit: first, of the person xpridefromfearx was writing about, and two, of xpridefromfearx that he could even articulate these kinds of feelings that made Yu flustered second-hand as if the words were about Yu himself.
This was getting out of hand. He wondered if this was how Yosuke felt when he’d been a fan of Rise’s. Or any other idol he tried to deny he still listened to.
“I do not!”
“Take a picture of your bedroom wall right now.”
A frustrated yet exhausted exhale from Yosuke, “Why do you keep insisting on weird pictures?”
“I’ll send one of mine too.”
“Dude, if I wanted to see a blank wall I’d go to a psych ward. Fine, I’ll send mine.”
“My wall isn’t blank,” Yu argued, though it was presumptuous to say anything outside of that, as he only had a handful of photographs of him and his friends from Inaba taped up above his desk.
When Yu received the picture, he had to admit his surprise. For one thing, Yosuke’s wall had much more coverage with pictures than the last time he’d seen. A lot of the pictures were still of girls, but instead of the bikini models he’d remembered seeing last, Yu saw a lot of unique fashion. Goth lolita, punk and scene fashion was seen all over. (He also, though silently, noted a few of the pictures being men, but most of their faces were cut off by other pictures over top.)
“Woah,” commented Yu. “New hobby?”
“Something like that,” Yosuke replied dubiously. Yu wished he could see his friend’s reaction in person, wondering if he was blushing in embarrassment. “It’s whatever.”
“I don’t know if I’d agree,” Yu tried to press further. “I wouldn’t mind if you told me more. It looks cool.”
On the other end of the line, an odd sound came from Yosuke that Yu really couldn’t describe. Soon after, his telltale laugh. “You’re… so weird, partner.”
All he had to do was close his eyes, and Yu could visualize a bright red flush across Yosuke’s face. He hummed, grinning. “Whatever you say.”
~*~
would i do it all again, just to see you?
im not sure what scares me more
my indecision, or my certainty that youd say no
when im with you, im out of my mind
but also more myself than ive ever been.
theres a word for it all
but i wont say it unless its to you.
sotd: if these sheets were the states - all time low
Yu had an unfortunate relationship with love. Growing up, it was difficult for him to make friends while he moved so often as a result of his parents’ jobs. Most days back then, just as the ones he’s spent in these recent months, were spent studying in an empty house. He was rarely the kind of person to hold any kind of resentment, and instead in his chest there was only a quiet loneliness.
Was tragedy really all it took for him to finally attempt at human connection? It seemed absurd, almost loathsome in concept. Life is full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys,’ wishes and regrets that things had turned out a different way. But even so, Yu knew that he wouldn’t be the person he was without all the significant moments of his life, including the ones that left him in despair.
All in all, he couldn’t in good faith blame this person for wishing he could relive the past just to reexperience the unique joys of love for the first time.
Hold on, don’t let go
Of hope for past and futures
For the time to say…
Frowning to himself, Yu slowly began to delete this poem. Perhaps it was a bit presumptuous to assume that this person was explicitly talking about confessing his love. Thinking back to the previous posts, on the other hand, it seemed almost obvious that was what this was all leading up to. Yu wheeled back from his computer with a sigh, putting his head in his hands. Here he was again sticking himself into the business of strangers when they never even asked. Was that really so bad, though?
Yu’s phone started to ring. He answered without checking the caller ID.
“Speaking.”
“Hey, now, don’t ‘speaking’ me,” came Yosuke’s voice. “I caught you slacking off instead of studying, didn’t I?”
Yu’s chest lightened instantly despite being thoroughly busted, “Guilty.”
“Hah! I knew it,” Yosuke cheered to himself, “look at you, Mr. Delinquent. How far you’ve fallen.”
“We’ll be done with entrance exams in the next two weeks, I think I’ve earned a bit of delinquency,” joked Yu.
“Glad to hear you’re so confident. But yeah, speaking of,” Yosuke chimed in, “any plans for winter break?”
Of course he’d ask about that. “If you’re asking if I’m coming back to Inaba, the answer’s yes,” Yu assured.
“I assumed, but it’s nice to get confirmation,” he could hear Yosuke smiling on the other side of the line.
“Was there something specific you had in mind?”
“Kinda, yeah,” Yosuke’s tone turned just a bit awkward. “Do you know when exactly you’ll be coming in?”
“Not yet, I haven’t booked the ticket. I’ll let you know when I do, though.”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s cool. I just wanted to, well… be there, to greet you, y’know?”
Yu’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Sure, that’s fine with me. Did you have specific plans for what you wanted to do?”
“I should, right?” Yosuke seemed to think aloud. “I was only really thinking something casual.”
“That’s alright too,” Yu hummed. “It’s not the activity that matters, but who you’re doing it with.”
“You would say that,” Yosuke snorted. Yu could practically see him shaking his head fondly.
After they hung up for the night, Yu did end up sending his response haiku. The next morning, there was another freeform poem waiting for him.
if i cover my eyes, will you still see me?
if i refuse to speak, will i still be myself?
who am i if not the person that you know
the person thats yours.
my face is branded with my own name
but my fingers dance only for you
care to join me?
sotd: early sunsets over monroeville - my chemical romance
~*~
Arriving at Yasoinaba Station was always an unceremonious event. Yu was always the only person to disembark from the train, and the only person standing on the platform.
As the train pulled away from the station, Yu took a deep inhale of the country air. His uncle was working and couldn’t make it to pick him up, but walking wasn’t a big deal.
The conspicuous sound of throat-clearing went off a little ways away. Yu turned to look.
Someone was standing there that Yu was certain he’d never met. Beat up combat boots, dark cargo pants, a faded graphic t-shirt, and a leather jacket over top. And the face…
“Yosuke?!”
He raised a cautious hand. “Yo, partner.”
Yu rushed over, and Yosuke visibly recoiled at the sudden urgency. “Yosuke, you’re– did you get a haircut?”
Sure, Yosuke’s hair was a bit shorter than Yu had last seen it, but his dark roots had also started growing back in too. A chunk of the strands partially obscured one eye. Yosuke leveled him with a sarcastic glance, “seriously?”
Was he wearing makeup? His eyes seemed so much larger… “I almost didn’t recognize you.”
Yosuke’s lip curled into a smirk, “And you look the exact same.”
They shared a brief laugh over this, “well, you know the saying: if it’s not broken, why fix it?”
A snort, “Look what the city’s done to you in such a short time—we say ‘why fix what ain’t broke.’”
“You’re from the city too, Yosuke…”
Following some brief greetings around town, Yosuke proposed they drive their scooters to Okina to catch a movie. It had been a while since Yu had driven his old borrowed bike, it was like having to relearn it all over again. Yosuke had no qualms about laughing at his initial hesitation, but within a few minutes they were on their way.
The movie was fine, if not overall forgettable. Yu always had a tendency to enjoy things via osmosis with another person, but even Yosuke seemed a bit mild when it came to his reaction.
“Alright, I know you wanna ask,” he finally said. They stopped at a quiet cafe down the street, both sitting inside with warm cups of hot chocolate.
“About what?” Yu asked patiently.
“Come on, don’t be dense,” Yosuke scoffed. He gestured to himself vaguely, “y’know.”
“Okay,” Yu relented, “why the change?”
“Uhh,” Yosuke drew out after a moment.
A sigh, “Yosuke, you’re the one who said I should ask.”
“I know! I just figured you were holding back to spare my feelings, or whatever. It’s hard to talk about,” Yosuke crossed his arms defensively. “I guess… why not the change?”
“Is that it?”
“No,” Yosuke muttered. “It wasn’t a huge thing, at first. Just, like, we got a new line of skinny jeans at Junes. And then Rise dropped her new single that featured that punk singer.”
“Oh, I remember that,” Yu did, in fact. Rise had kept quiet about it for months, but every time Yu called her during that time she kept mentioning she “wanted to talk about something reaaaally cool!!” but was unable to. “You were talking about the music video for a while.”
“Because the outfits were freakin’ sick! God, how did I survive so long on idol groups with matching uniforms, I’ll never know. It doesn’t help that Rise looks good in everything.”
“She does,” Yu agreed.
Yosuke collapsed onto the table with a groan at that. Yu took silent note of how Yosuke was wearing fingerless gloves that, while not especially helpful for the current cold, wonderfully showed off Yosuke’s ruddy fingers with their orange painted nails. “Go on, say it.”
“Say what?”
Yosuke just glared half-heartedly again.
Yu shrugged, “Are you trying to say you got jealous of Rise?”
“W-well, not exactly…”
“Maybe not her, per se, but you had envy for their appearances,” Yu said. “I saw the pictures on your wall. You were finding inspiration from other artists and you started trying out new styles.”
“I’m not trying to be a girl, partner!”
With a slight frown, “You’re not doing a great job convincing me of that.”
“I’m serious,” and Yosuke really did appear such, “it’s not like that. I just… I wanted to look at my reflection and not just see plain old me. I wanted to be like, ‘damn, that guy looks good. And it’s me!’”
Yu chuckled into his hand.
“Hey, don’t laugh!”
“Sorry, I don’t want to make fun,” Yu’s gaze softened, and Yosuke’s pout seemed to as well. “I just never thought that was on your mind. We talk so much but it never really came up.”
Yosuke blinked, “Oh, right… that’s true.”
“It’s hard since we’re not seeing each other as often as we did,” Yu supposed.
“Still, though, I don’t want to make it seem like I was hiding it because I didn’t trust you.”
“I understand,” Yu nodded, “I’ve kinda gotten into a new hobby myself, recently.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Remember that social media site you showed me a while back? With the journal posts?”
“Yeah…” Yosuke seemed skeptical as to where this was going.
“I got really into reading poetry on there. It’s not classic literature by any means but it’s real. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much.”
There was a weird pause from Yosuke’s end, “...Poetry, huh?”
Yu scratched the back of his neck, “It’s nothing like your fashion interests, but I guess it’s also just something I haven’t brought up in our calls either. Sometimes I’ll read things that dictate my mood for the whole day.”
Yosuke seemed to lighten up a bit at that, raising a sarcastic brow, “Okay then, what kind of poetry are you reading?”
This was where Yu started to choke. How was he supposed to reveal that he’d developed a pseudo-parasocial relationship with an anonymous internet user? Should he lie and say they aligned more with the books he read? No, after Yosuke told him his truth it was only fair that Yu be honest as well. A red hot blush crossed his face as he admitted, “um, love poems, mostly.”
“Really?” Yosuke’s eyes went wide as saucers. “Most eligible bachelor Yu Narukami is reading love poetry in his free time? Dude, are you a character from a shoujo otome game or something?”
Yu covered his face with his hands, “I thought we weren’t trying to poke fun, here…”
“Hm, pretty sure you’re the only one who set that rule, partner,” Yosuke cackled unashamedly. He held a hand out, motioning to hand something over, “Now come on, don’t be shy~! I showed you mine so you show me yours, my friend.”
“Fine,” Yu grunted, pulling out his phone to scroll to his favorite account. He handed the phone over to Yosuke without another word. “Here. Laugh all you want, but I think they’re sweet.”
But Yosuke didn’t laugh. To the contrary, not a single noise came out of his mouth as he stared at Yu’s phone screen in shock. Yu blinked. What was wrong? Did he accidentally open the wrong webpage or something?
“Yosuke?”
“Huh? Oh, uh, what? No, I– it’s, these are…” Yosuke stuttered, then cleared his throat. “They’re nice.”
Yu knew that some of them could be a bit edgy and unconventional, and winced in sympathy. “Like I said, it’s not something you’d see published in a book or anything…”
“W-what do you like about these?” Yosuke blurted out suddenly. “I mean, why did you show me this account? A-and not any other one?”
What did Yu like about them? They were genuine above all else, they were every raw emotion that came from bleeding your feelings directly into words. He felt like he wasn’t just an observer, but the person being spoken to. “Maybe I’m jealous, too.”
“What?”
Yu rested his head in one hand, and absentmindedly fidgeted with his cup in the other. “It’s stupid, but… it makes me wish someone would write poetry like that about me.”
His eyes were averted, but he could tell Yosuke was staring at him with some form of confusion: horror, shock, disgust, or other. Before he could start spiralling, a loud sigh came from his friend. “We seriously are acting like girls right now.”
Yu laughed at that, and eventually Yosuke did too.
“Hey, Yu?”
“Yeah?”
Yosuke fiddled with the ends of his dyed hair while he spoke, “If someone did write those things about you, how would you feel?”
“Flattered, I suppose. And sad.”
“Why sad?”
“Because I want to be there. I don’t just want to be someone far away, I want to be next to you. Well– them,” Yu bit his tongue, cursing at his truly unintended Freudian slip.
“Yeah, of course,” Yosuke smiled, “that’s just like you. Of course honesty was always the thing that was gonna win you over.”
“You know better than most,” Yu reminded.
“I guess I do,” Yosuke handed back Yu’s phone, instead pulling out his own from the pocket of his jacket. “Here.”
Yu accepted the phone, already knowing what he was trying to show. “Yosuke, are you sure?”
He didn’t look sure, but even so he said, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Looking down, Yu glanced over the page’s layout and blinked. He didn’t even need to read any of the posts before his head shot up, “It was you?”
Yosuke’s expression was unreadable, and he nodded silently.
Yu looked down at the page, then up at Yosuke again, then down again, and up again. His hands flew to his pocket once more to grab his own phone and shove it back in Yosuke’s hands.
“Hey, what the– hold on, you’re the haiku guy?!”
“I had a part-time job in high school, remember?”
“That doesn’t explain– Yu, oh my God. How is this my life?”
“How do you think I feel?”
They just stared at each other’s phones in silence for a minute.
“So what now?” Yosuke nearly mumbled.
“You tell me,” Yu replied softly. “What is it you wanted to say to me?”
“O-oh, that?” Yosuke crossed his arms again, and Yu once again was reminded that the person in front of him was the very same partner he’d always known. “Come on, you can’t figure it out?”
“You really can’t say it to my face?”
“Not anymore!” Yosuke threw his hands up. His voice softened then, “Don’t you see…? It’s all different now.”
“How so?”
“You know everything,” Yosuke said, his brow furrowed in frustration, “I’m… at a disadvantage, here.”
Yu pondered this. He was right, after all; Yu did know everything about how Yosuke felt about him now, not to mention his other feelings that he likely wanted to keep separated from himself, hence why he’d posted anonymously.
He remembered the sort of things Yosuke had mentioned in his poems: his self-doubt, his regrets. How much he missed Yu and how he wondered about what his life would be like if they’d never met. In Yosuke’s perspective, Yu held his heart in his hand. He took a deep breath before speaking again.
“A double-edged sword.
Drawn from blood in heart or ink,
And that word is love.”
Yosuke’s uncertainty melts into dismay, “Seriously? A haiku?”
“I figure you might like a love poem, too.”
“I– well, that’s,” a blush started to form across his cheeks.
Yu tilted his head. “See, doesn’t it feel nice?”
“Yeah,” Yosuke admitted softly.
“It’s getting late. Should we head back before it gets too dark?”
“Huh? Sure, alright.”
The drive back was uneventful, but instead of heading back into town Yu detoured to their spot on the hill overlooking Inaba. It was chilly, and he knew Yosuke’s outfit wasn’t built for the weather.
“Are you holding up alright?”
“Y-yep, just peachy.”
Yu frowned at the obvious chatter of Yosuke’s teeth, “Sorry, we can go home in a bit, I just wanted to come up here for a little while.”
“I-it’s alright.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Y… yeah.”
After a moment, “Are my hands warm enough for you?”
“Uh, sure?”
“That’s just one of the things you said. In your poems,” Yu explained.
“Oh God no,” Yosuke slapped his other hand over his eyes with a groan. “Please don’t…!”
“But I liked that one a lot,” Yu pouted, genuine. “I think you also said something about the taste of my mouth…”
“Shut up already! Why do you always do this?” Yosuke whined.
“I’m only being honest.”
“You are seriously a menace, Yu. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked you still love teasing just as much as when it’s just over the phone.”
“And you’re cute when you’re embarrassed, Yosuke. I’m so lucky I get to see it now instead of just hearing it.”
“Quit it!”
“Please don’t stop writing poetry about me?”
“W-well, it won’t be the same as before, since now we’re… um, what are we now?”
Yu considered it, “Partners?”
Yosuke seemed hesitant, but he smiled nonetheless, “Yeah.”
Yu tugged Yosuke closer to him by the hand until their chests were touching. “Don’t worry Yosuke, I’ll give you plenty of things to write about.”
“Wh-what do you mean by–”
Yu ran his fingers through Yosuke’s hair, effectively trapping the rest of Yosuke’s words in his throat. Then Yu pressed his lips to Yosuke’s, thoroughly swallowing everything else he could’ve said next.
~*~
someday i’ll stop asking myself these questions
about how we ended up here
or rather, how you ended up with me
you always saw something in me i never could
and now i might just see it too.
you always felt i could be more than what i am
and now i’ve felt everything with you.
these words ive written
this face i wear
somehow spoke to you
better than my voice ever could
so even if im still too scared to say it out loud
you already know
i love you.
sotd: your affection - shihoko hirata
