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Of course Genesis cancels. Of course.
That War College girl has got her fingers wrapped right around Genesis's throat, her blade tipped right underneath Genesis's chin, and Genesis only kneels for it, only asks for more and more and more. He hasn't seen much of her since their first... outing. She talks about how good Dzolo is at kissing, how much she hates that Dzolo is good at kissing, how much she despises herself for going back every evening. She talks about Dzolo with both animosity and wonder in her eyes, and as Caleb watches her animate with passion over the topic of her lover, a hollowness grows inside of him, eviscerating each organ he has just to stuff the yearning in, right into the places where he used to function.
They'd never admit it, but they want each other. They're only using the rivalry as an excuse to deny their feelings. It's clear to anyone with at least one eye and at least one brain. He watches Dzolo place her hand on Genesis's back in the courtyard when they're arguing, sees the tenderness that lies behind the facade. He knows the truth---he has to. He watches every strip of his surroundings with alertness and precision, sharpening his observation skills like the blades that tore into him on the streets---if he isn't vigilant, if he allows himself to slip into even one distraction, pain will follow. That's how it's always been, and that is how it will always be.
So: yes. Of course Genesis cancels on their study session, choosing to "study" with Dzolo instead. Endless apologies in her cancellation message, of course, but---
Whatever. Caleb prefers to be alone, anyway.
He thinks about Tarima as he flickers his holographic screen into the air. Ancient Kreetassan mythology is not as interesting as wallowing in self-pity about the loss--I need to find myself first, Caleb. Not never, but not right now. You've lived a life I'll never understand. I need to live mine so I have even a chance at catching up. I've been sheltered since I was born, and I think in order to love you I have to break those walls down first.
The sad thing is that she's right. She's right, and he knows it. He respects the decision, but still replays the moment over and over again in his mind: Tarima holding his hand, putting her palm against his face and a kiss over his cheek, then breaking away, fluttering back to the War College, fluttering home. He watches her leave him like it is omnipresent throughout his life. He watches her leave him every time he closes his eyes, just another abandonment to add to the pile. He watches—
Well. So much for being alone. There are four rapid, successive chimes at his door that all overlap into discordance. If it's Nahla again—
“Yeah?”
It opens, and SAM flickers in, appearing in front of his bed. Caleb jumps.
“Whoa,” he says. “Hey, I’m glad you knocked this time, but next time, maybe try walking in instead of appearing out of thin air?” He laughs. “You scared the crap out of me. What’s up?”
"Sorry," SAM says. She pauses, looks around Caleb's room, and makes an adorably frustrated face. "Um... I thought Genesis was going to be here?"
Caleb shakes his head. "Nope. Dzolo."
"Oh, again?"
"Yeah."
There's a long, heavy silence in the air as the realization slams into Caleb hard; they haven't really been alone together before. Genesis or Jay-Den are always there, floating around them and padding up the conversations; Darem is always there, pointing each topic toward his own life; Nahla always wants him to do this and stop doing that; he just doesn't get a chance to be alone with SAM.
He thinks about her a lot. He wonders what Kasq is like. He wonders what being photonic is like, if being composed of technology is easier than being composed of flesh and blood and bone. SAM was created for a purpose---because her people wanted her to exist, she exists, and she shines like every constellation blended into one over the entire campus.
He finds himself wondering what wondering is like for a photonic. How do thoughts occur to SAM's processes? What is it like for her, inside? She seems to be enamored with the universe, constantly excited by the most minuscule of things---the life cycle of the plants in the courtyard, always noticing when a petal has been plucked or a bee has landed; the projects of her fellow cadets, always providing genuine praise for their efforts, even when they don't provide the same for her; images Genesis shows her of the pet Epohh that Dzolo is definitely not allowed to have on campus; every single one of Caleb's smiles--she made a habit of pointing them out recently after he called himself "intentionally solemn"; everything.
It's refreshing, in a way. She lacks life experience, but she has an abundance of understanding, a feast of compassion.
Caleb clears his throat, looks back at SAM. She's frowning, fidgeting with the sleeves of her uniform, her hands rocking on repeat. She seems as if she wants to say something, do something, scream something. Her body vibrates, the image of her making small, slow glitches.
"You look like you need to talk," Caleb says. He pats the side of his bed, motions for her to sit. She gives a slight, brief brush against his shoulder as she settles, his skin shivering electric at the contact.
"I wanted to ask Genesis, but..."
"I get it," Caleb replies. "She's good at helping people. I'm... still working on it."
SAM stiffens. "No! It's not that. It's just---a little awkward."
"SAM, I had lung parasites in my bowel when I got here, and the entire incoming class heard. Now that's awkward." He smiles at her, and she points at him again. "Pretty much nothing you can say will bother me."
SAM nods. She looks down at her hands, clenches them, visibly preparing herself to spit it out: "It's about... dating."
"Oh, yeah? Interested in someone?"
Who's lucky enough to catch your eye? he thinks to himself--and then realizes the implication, swallows it down the brainstem, and beats it out of his body. This cannot happen, so he won't let it start. SAM has a purity to her--she carries a sense of calm unbrokenness that Caleb would go to war to protect. He couldn't---he couldn't.
But SAM rises with the sun, and when the moon falls, the light of her keeps Earth from freezing over. How couldn't he?
"Not... I don't know." She pauses. "I keep seeing Genesis and Dzolo, Jay-Den and his boyfriends, and you and Tarima---" SAM stops between her words, her palm flying over her mouth, a dawning. "I'm sorry, Caleb. I forgot."
"It's fine," he says. "Feeling lonely?"
"Yeah," SAM replies, her voice uneven, shaky. "It's stupid. You're here asking about where you can hook up, and I'm... not, it---it probably sounds ridiculous to you, huh?"
He looks over at SAM, really looks. He takes in the sight of her—compact in height, but with a presence larger than life, beautiful like an existence Caleb has only ever dreamed of, beautiful like the plants she adores and the scenery she watches wide-eyed and the stars she yearns for, beautiful like everything in the universe, all of it and more. It's disgustingly sappy to think about, and he bites down on the inside of his mouth when he catches the thoughts dancing by.
He has to tell her.
"Can I tell you something?" he asks. "You can't tell anyone else."
"Of course."
He inhales, buries his head in his hands. "Tarima and I barely dated before we broke up. I… I've never slept with anyone who wasn't paying me for it. Sometimes I didn't even get…"
His voice trails off. Sometimes I didn't even get anything. Sometimes I wasn't even given a choice.
"So," he continues, "no. It's not ridiculous to me at all."
When he looks back, SAM's expression is blank, almost shattered. He wonders if he's broken her. Oh, God--
Her hand hovers and flutters near him; she clearly wants to do something, give him some gesture of comfort, but she isn't quite used to gestures yet. "Caleb. I'm so, I'm so sorry—"
"It's fine, really," he says. "I just wanted you to know that I get it."
Another moment of unbearable silence floods in. Caleb watches her hands retract, fingers flapping gently in her lap.
"So maybe no one's interested in you right now," Caleb goes on. "It's still early in the semester. Shit, you've got three more years here."
"True…"
"But," Caleb says, loud, turning his body toward her in an attempt to drill his next words in, "it'll happen. Trust me."
"How do you know?"
Caleb laughs. "'Cause you're amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have you, and the fact that no one sees that right now? Kinda bullshit, if you ask me."
He gives her a wide grin. It beams with the same radiance as SAM's own smile, which finds her face moments later, melting planets of ice within him.
"Thanks, Caleb," SAM says. "I… you're a good friend."
He nods at her, tries to believe that he can be something good. He is frightened for a moment, terror filling up his throat, when he looks into her eyes and sees a reflection of himself that wants to live.
Wants to stay.
Her gaze doesn't pull away from his, but a similar expression of fear seems to set in on SAM's face as they both still in their seats. She really is beautiful, he thinks, a rarity that must be handled with gentle care.
"Um," he says, and the impulse eviscerates him like a fatal train slam, "hey, you mind if I…?"
She doesn't seem to understand. "What?"
"Can I… kiss you?"
SAM sighs, looks even sadder. "You don't… have to do that."
With hesitation, Caleb takes her hands into his own. "No, it's not—I want to." He fights down every cell within him that screams no vulnerability ever Caleb fucking Mir, and breathes: "I think maybe I really want to?"
He panics for a moment. With Tarima, the spark seemed to be there from the very first second, but SAM is harder to read. Thankfully, she perks up moments later, her expression melting into genuine, endearing excitement.
"Oh!" she says. "Then yes."
"Uh, cool," Caleb replies—-oh, well that wasn't very smooth, was it? Who says cool in response to that?
Guys who have crushes, he supposes.
He takes SAM's face in his hands. As SAM looks up at him, her dark eyes seem to glitter. It reminds him of a job he did once--Tiger's Eye had once been common on Earth, but by the 31st century had become extremely rare, and Caleb had been tasked with stealing some on display for a buyer who ended up ripping him off when he finished the act. He remembers staring into the shining flecks of gold among the rich brown when he held them, remembers imagining a better life for himself played out amongst the hypnotizing hazels of the singular gem he was given as payment.
Her gaze is more mesmerizing than anything Caleb has seen in his travels. The innocence in her essence is worth more than anything Caleb can imagine. As he kisses her, he feels her begin to melt beneath him, evaporating into his touch. She finds the confidence to kiss back, leaning into him with hesitant, young passion, and he wonders how many times she's been touched just in general since she was created, wonders if she's been starved for it, wonders if he will ever be able to stop now that he has begun.
He expected it to be awkward. He did not expect that awkwardness to bring only relief.
She pulls back for a moment, and says the most adorable thing possible for a situation like this: "Thanks!"
It takes every scrap of self-control he has to keep himself from bursting out into laughter. If he did, she would think he's laughing at her, but in truth he would be laughing at the ridiculousness of the way she makes him act, what she turns him into. Instead, he just smiles at her again, kisses her again, and allows her to take the lead.