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“Not even Jane?” Svetlana asked as they rode, face in her phone.
What?
How could Svetlana know anything about Jane? She couldn't. She couldn't know anything. And there was nothing to know anyway. Did she think Jane was Ilya's soulmate? She had to know that she - or he - wasn't. Ilya wouldn't still be going out at night if Jane were his soulmate. But the way that Svetlana had asked, it had seemed like she thought that Jane was more. That Jane was special. That she meant something big to Ilya. It had really seemed like she was implying that Jane was his soulmate.
Soulmates were a pretty big deal. Not everyone had one. It was a special bond between two people that helped them see that this person, their soulmate, was their perfect match. Their souls were intertwined forever. They were destined for true love. It was impossible to find love as pure as two halves of one soul being joined together.
Ilya didn't know who his soulmate was, if he even had one. Maybe he didn't, so it wasn't worth thinking about.
Hollander probably did. Some sweet girl out there ready to say his name, feel the spark electrify her soul, and fall madly in love with him.
You had to be ready and willing for the soulmate connection to start. Hollander probably was. He'd feel the bond and then he'd leave Ilya behind and Ilya would be free of this messed up thing between them. When Hollander found his soulmate, it would finally really end.
“No,” he said. “It's nothing serious.”
“Okay. Sasha says hello,” was all Svetlana said, dismissing the subject. So she thought that Jane was a man, but that wasn’t a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. She’d known he was bisexual for as long as he had.
But did she think she knew who Jane was? If she thought it was a man, did she have a specific man in her mind?
As Ilya got out of the car and walked back through that conversation again, he thought he understood it better.
Svetlana didn't know who Jane was, but she thought Jane was someone Ilya was in love with.
He wasn't. Of course not. He couldn't be.
But she'd thought he was.
A wish to be in love tickled the inside of his consciousness. Maybe it would be easier that way.
He'd resisted being open to having a soulmate for so long. Both people had to be ready, or the bond would wait for them.
Ilya pushed through the door of his house.
A part of the reason he'd resisted for so long, the part he hadn't told anyone and he wouldn’t tell Svetlana, was that he didn't want to lose his time with Hollander. The moment either of them found their soulmate it would all come crashing down and would be over forever.
Hollander seemed like the kind of guy who'd been ready for his whole life. The moment he said his soulmate’s name and she was ready too, they'd both feel it. The shared connection.
But maybe Ilya could be the one who found their soulmate and ended it. They'd both be better off.
He wondered if Hollander would feel sad. Would he miss him? Would Ilya miss him?
He tried to tell himself that he wouldn't. That they'd both be fine.
He could find his soulmate now and be free to love someone less complicated. Someone who could love him back. It would all be easier.
But he still found himself touching his lips and whispering “Oh, Shane,” to himself.
He felt it immediately, before the name was fully out of his mouth. A euphoria like he'd never experienced. Better than any high he'd ever experienced. It was electrifying.
Shane was his soulmate.
He wanted to run to his phone and call Shane. He wanted to talk to him. To let him know-
Ilya could barely contain his thoughts, they were so euphoric, but he sobered up quickly and fell onto his couch.
Shane wasn't ready. He couldn't do it like that.
Shane wouldn't be expecting it and it would catch him off guard and he'd freak out.
They couldn't be in love publicly. He couldn't shout it from the rooftops.
But he wanted it.
He understood now.
He'd wanted this, for so long. Longer than he'd even realized.
He'd put off looking for his soulmate because he couldn't lose this, the person he cared most about in the world. The person whose company he craved more than anyone.
He was already in love. He didn't need the soulmate bond to tell him that.
He'd been hiding from himself for so long, but now he knew. And he had to tell Shane. But he had to ease him into it. He had to do it just right.
-
Shane fell over when it happened. He was folding laundry, and he fell over onto the hamper.
He didn't get up. He was so overwhelmed with sensation.
Someone was his soulmate. And that someone knew who he was. That someone had just said his name.
He'd been waiting for this since as long as he could remember. His parents were the purest kind of soulmate bond. You could see it from a mile away.
Even as an unobservant teenage boy, he could see it. And it had made him want that love so badly.
But you had to say your soulmate's name to know who they were. Shane hadn't said anything, he'd been sitting in silence. But whoever it was, they would know. They’d shared the feeling together, when that person had said his name.
He hoped they'd call.
Shane hoped that it would be a woman. He knew that this would all be easier if it was, but it wasn't a guarantee.
He could be bi. Maybe he'd find the first woman to really do it for him. He was still waiting on that.
He kept his phone by his side for the call.
Shane waited for weeks.
He didn't tell anyone it had happened.
He just waited, and resolved to tell people when she showed up.
But no one called.
No one sent a letter, or an Instagram message, or an email. For the first time in his life, Shane checked all of his messages obsessively.
But no messages came.
She knew who he was.
Unless she was a he, and he understood how complicated this was.
And after four weeks, when that person still hadn't responded, Shane caved and answered Rozanov's text to say that he was coming over. If his soulmate reached out, he could cancel. But if they didn't, he could have one last chance to see Rozanov.
Maybe he would even tell him. It was really over this time.
But after. They could have one last time together.
-
“You could stay,” Rozanov said into Shane's ear.
He was really supposed to be going. This was really supposed to be over.
But his soulmate hadn't said anything, and he'd just had an incredible orgasm, and Rozanov was being so sweet and cuddly, and Shane said yes.
Just a little longer.
He could give this up after a little longer.
-
“You want to make me a tuna melt?” Shane asked. He was charmed. He had his favorite soda in his hand and Rozanov was offering to make him his guilty pleasure food. How had Rozanov even known that?
“I'm making one for me, I could make two,” Rozanov said, nonchalantly, but it was clear that he wanted to make Shane food.
It was going to be so hard to say goodbye. Rozanov was being so sweet. It felt….domestic. It felt safe and comfortable and exactly like the kind of thing he shouldn't be doing, now that he had a soulmate out there waiting for him.
He should leave. But instead he smiled, and watched his fellow NHL superstar make him a sandwich.
-
Shane seemed happy. He'd stayed when Ilya had asked, and he'd been smiling so warmly ever since.
He'd eaten the sandwich just like Ilya had hoped.
Ilya needed him to stay just a little longer, and then they could have the conversation.
Ilya had put some thought into how to start it. Exactly the right words to say to ease into it so that Shane wouldn't be caught off guard. So that he would be prepared.
After a whole day together, he'd understand just how wonderful it was to be together. To finally know that they could be in love.
Ilya already felt it. Hopefully Shane did too.
-
He'd meant to start the conversation, he really had. He'd been running his hand through Shane's hair, trying to give him a massage, but Shane had been too addicted to Ilya to resist him, and before Ilya knew it they were both close to orgasm.
It was intoxicating, sex with someone he was in love with, now that he knew. He wanted to be close to Shane all the time. He wanted to be touching him every second he could.
And just as he was climaxing, Shane's name slipped out.
“Shane.”
He was so overwhelmed with that same sensation of euphoria, that magical rush of love, at the exact same time that he was experiencing one of the best orgasms of his life.
And the best part was, Shane was feeling it too. And as he rode out the feeling, he said it back.
“Ilya.”
And Ilya leaned up towards him, desperate to kiss him. To hold him. To never let go.
And for one magical, fleeting second, it was everything Ilya had never even let himself want. Better than his wildest dreams.
And then Shane pulled back, with a look of terror on his face.
He hadn't been ready.
Ilya hadn't given his gentle, thoughtful speech.
And now Shane was walking away.
Leaving.
He couldn't really be leaving, right?
“Team meeting in the morning, I forgot,” Shane said.
He was spiraling, and there was nothing Ilya could do about it.
“You forgot a team meeting,” Ilya said dryly.
Shane couldn't really be leaving. Not now. Not when he knew.
They were soulmates. Why was he pulling his clothes on?
“Hollander,” Ilya said. Let's go back to how we were. Let's forget it until you're ready.
“I have to go. I'm sorry.”
Ilya was devastated, but he tried not to show it.
“Hollander,” he said again. Pleaded. Don't leave me.
But Shane left.
He fucking left.
He knew.
And he didn't want it to be Ilya.
He was so upset that it was Ilya that he walked out.
And left Ilya behind.
Alone.
They were soulmates.
But he didn't want Ilya.
Not for that.
Ilya wasn't enough for that.
He'd tried so hard.
He'd planned the perfect day.
He'd snuggled, and cooked them lunch, and given Shane his heart.
But Shane hadn't wanted it.
And he’d left.
-
The day the story dropped that Shane was dating Rose Landry, Ilya wanted to cry and scream and kick a wall and break something.
Shane knew that they were soulmates, but he'd found the perfect girlfriend instead.
He hadn't texted Ilya since he'd left Ilya's house. He also hadn’t said Ilya’s name. Ilya would have felt it. But he must have made a point not to.
Ilya had hoped that he'd come around. That they could talk about it.
But it was really over.
-
“Have you ever been with a man?”
A thousand memories flashed before Shane's eyes. Ilya, the first time he'd seen him. Ilya, in the hotel gym, the night of the draft. Ilya, the moment he'd said that he'd requested their commercial together.
He nodded.
“Was it different?”
Ilya, leaning in to kiss Shane for the first time. Ilya, smirking on the ice. Ilya, winking at the camera in an interview.
He nodded again.
“Was it better?”
Ilya, being so gentle, the first time they'd gone farther. Ilya, after the MVP awards in 2014, watching Shane like he would be tested on it later. Ilya, always making sure it was good for Shane, always making sure he was exactly where he needed to be.
“Yes,” he told Rose. “It was better.”
It was such a relief to tell her. She wasn't judging him. She knew, and she was still smiling. Still wanted to be there for Shane.
And the longer they talked, the more firmly the thought came to Shane's mind: it couldn't be anyone else. It could only be Ilya.
He was in love, and it could only be Ilya. His soulmate.
-
Shane walked in to the bar before the all star game with a renewed sense of purpose.
He was in love, and he needed to see Ilya. He'd even dressed better for him. He needed Ilya to see him and know that he felt it too.
He found him immediately, sitting at the bar, drinking a Corona.
He walked straight over.
Ilya barely made eye contact.
Shane tried to say everything he could without saying anything at all. They were in public. He couldn't say the word soulmate without someone understanding. But he hoped Ilya would know.
“Did you bring anyone?” Ilya asked.
No, Shane wanted to say. I'm just here for you.
When Ilya asked about Rose Landry, Shane answered immediately. He needed Ilya to know that that was already over. It had barely happened. A blip on the radar.
-
Playing together was everything Shane had ever dreamed. They read each other's minds on the ice. He'd never had a winger better able to read him. He'd never known what he was missing before.
He couldn't imagine playing with anyone else ever again. He would have to, but he didn't want to.
This was all he wanted.
-
“It's not just me, right?” Shane asked.
Ilya knew what he meant. The soulmate bond wasn’t one sided. They shared it. They hadn’t talked about it, but they shared it. But Shane had still broken Ilya's heart. He’d still left, and Ilya had had to suffer through that for weeks.
In that time, he’d sobered up. Neither of them had said each other’s name since they’d been together in Ilya’s house. So he hadn’t been electrified by love, and he’d been focused on reality.
He was still Russian. His family were still cops who would sell him out. He wasn’t Canadian. They couldn’t live an easy life together, no matter how in love they were. No matter whether they were soulmates or not.
“Not just you, what?” Ilya asked. He still struggled to make eye contact with Shane. He wasn’t proud of it, but he was hurt.
“You feel it too, don't you?” Shane asked. He had to know that Ilya did.
“Feel what?” Ilya asked.
“Last time we were together, it was different.”
“What was different? That you ran away?” Ilya asked.
“Look, I'm... I'm sorry I freaked out, OK?” Shane asked.
“Freaked out over nothing,” Ilya said.
“It wasn't nothing,” Shane said, sounding irritated, “We were soulmates,” Shane said, finally putting words to it. “We are. I’ve been waiting for that bond my whole life. But you were finally ready?”
Ilya nodded at the floor.
“I thought it would be the end of this. That it would not be you.”
“But it was,” Shane said, “It is. We can finally be something.”
And there it was. The moment it would all come crashing down. Because they couldn’t be anything.
“We can't be something, Hollander,” Ilya said. He had to be honest.
So he told him. About everything. All of it. His fucked up family and his fucked up country and the fact that he couldn’t be anything close to gay. He didn’t even have the luxury of wishing for it.
But as they held each other, gently rocking and with tear stained cheeks, Shane whispered “Ilya” into Ilya’s hair, and Ilya whispered “Shane” into Shane’s shirt, and they both felt the bond soar and Ilya felt intertwined with Shane forever, star crossed or not.
-
Later, as Ilya watched Scott Hunter kiss his maybe-boyfriend on the ice after he won the Stanley Cup, he knew it didn’t matter. They looked like soulmates. And what they had looked worth risking everything for. And if Scott Hunter could do it, Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander could do it.
Ilya couldn’t imagine there was anything in the world worth missing his soulmate for.
They had to be together. They had to try. They needed to share life together as much as they could and for as long as they could.
Life was too short to miss even one day with his soulmate.
He picked up his phone.
“Shane,” he said, just to feel the bond swell in his heart, “I’m coming to the cottage.”