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Look, Shane knows he’s not exactly normal compared to other hockey players, for more than a few reasons. Being the only Asian-Canadian player in the NHL. For living and breathing hockey (although he’s pretty sure that he shares that with Scott Hunter). For being gay (again shared with Scott Hunter). For having his mom as his manager. Add to that his anxiety and his quirks and, well…
The thing is, so many hockey players have their quirks and their superstitions. Every player has at least one. Using specific tape for their sticks, taping patterns, pads on in a specific order, goalies tapping the goalposts, lucky playoff socks, playoff beards. There's a whole host of them. Hundreds of little rituals. Shane doesn't have all of them. For a start, he doesn't grow a playoff beard but that's mostly because he can't even really grow stubble. It hadn’t been so bad the first time they won the Stanley Cup but the second? When even the rookie had grown more facial hair than Shane? Shane had felt embarrassed for a while until he had remembered the way that Ilya had called him pretty and flawless and he hadn’t minded so much. So, Shane might not be able to grow a playoff beard but specific tape, preferred way of taping his stick and putting his pads on in a specific order? He does all of those.
Shane just takes it one step further than that. He had routines for everything. Everything was carefully controlled and had been since he was a child. When he was little it was things like eating his food in a certain order (and some items definitely couldn’t touch), it was avoiding certain textures, cutting labels out of his clothes because he couldn’t stand the sensation of them against his skin. When he couldn't control those things, he got anxious. And when he got anxious, like really anxious, that led to him dissasociating and having a complete shutdown.
So, he controlled what he could. He controlled his diet, his work-outs, the environment that he was in. What he couldn’t control because he felt out of his depth - his social media, brand endorsements, his contract - his mom took care of. Hardly surprising that he got more than a few elements of her personality. That being said, he knew that his mom worried about him, that he took his need for control too far. For everything else that he couldn't control - or that Yuna Hollander couldn't control, there were routines.
Routines for practice days, routines for game days. Routines for when he was in Montreal, routines for roadies. He never deviated. If he didn't follow the routine, then it threw him off and everything felt wrong. What he ate, what he drank, when he went to bed, when he woke up, what he listened to.
The last one was an interesting one. Most of the players that Shane knew had specific playlists that they listened to. The Metros had a playlist for the locker room that, if Shane was honest about it, he hated but the rest of the team loved. A lot of them liked to listen to loud and heavy rock or rap music before a game. Music that had strong beats and punchy lyrics that was going to get them fired up before they went on the ice. Shane hated it. There was just too much happening and he found that it overstimulated him. It distracted him when he was trying to focus. He was much happier with instrumental music when he listened to music at all. So, he listened to his teammates trading recommendations and accepted whatever music was playing in the locker room, just staying silent and not speaking up.
Just as he did so many times when he didn't really understand what was going on but didn't want to say anything when it seemed like everyone else did. He just didn't get why some songs could have such importance.
Shane had heard some of the WAGs discussing it once. It had been at a team event and, having done the rounds, Shane's social batteries had been drained but he didn't want to leave in case it looked bad. Instead, he had just found himself a quiet corner with his ginger ale and just existed. That was how he had heard the conversation. One of his teammates was getting married and the WAGs were talking about wedding plans. They had talked about the first dance and how they were going to dance to “their song”. Shane hadn't understood it. How could a song that was written by someone who didn't even know that this person exist be their song? It didn't make sense.
He had asked Hayden about it afterwards as he frequently did with things that he didn't know or understand and felt like he should, knowing that his friend wouldn’t make him feel stupid about it and Hayden had tried to explain it. That the song that he and Jackie considered theirs had been playing on their first date, it had been the song that they had their first dance as a couple and they had had their first dance as husband and wife to it. Shane had understood the theory of it, but it still hadn’t made sense. He couldn’t imagine hearing a song that could represent him and Ilya. They were so different - how could there be one song to encompass that.
And then he had heard it. The song that changed his mind.
He wasn't even sure where he had heard it. It was a pop song and Shane didn't listen to that style of music. It was probably at the Pike's - some playlist of Jackie's or something that the girls were listening to - because where else would it be?
We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
It was a lightning bolt. It suddenly made sense. There Shane had been, not understanding why people had a song that they considered theres, and here was the song that represented him and Ilya. Maybe not perfectly but pretty damn close. It was ridiculous, how four girls from England were singing a song that represented them so well. Because they were hiding behind closed doors, stealing moments whenever they could and, for Shane, it wasn't enough. It was never enough. He couldn't be certain if it was the same for Ilya, but he liked to think that it was.
He'd asked Ilya if it fucking killed him too - when they'd been at the cottage - but it was somehow worse now, having had that time with Ilya. An extended period of time that they'd never managed before and who knew when they would again. For two whole weeks, he and Ilya had existed in their little blissful bubble and having to come out of it, to go back to reality, was tough. He was pretty sure that it was. He was fairly positive that Ilya had said that he had loved him in Russian - Shane had googled it but the Cyrillic confused him and Russian was a garbled mess compared to French or even the limited Japanese that he knew.
Shane hated it. He was in love with Ilya; there was no-one else for him. He could admit that to himself now. Shane Hollander was absolutely, completely, utterly head over heels in love with Ilya Rozanov. And nobody could know.
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine
Okay, so his parents knew but that was it. And his parents knowing didn’t change that much. Their friends still didn’t know, their teams didn’t know. The entire NHL - players, management, supporters, sponsors - thought they were rivals. They were still hiding and Shane understood why they had to hide. He really did. Russia. The NHL. There were so many reasons but that didn’t mean that Shane couldn’t resent them, even if he understood them.
Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Shane had never thought of himself as a good partner in relationships. Not that he'd had many. He had only really gone out with his high school girlfriend Jessica because all of the rest of the guys on his team had either had girlfriends or had talked about girls while Shane did neither. Jessica had made it clear that she was interested in him and it had made things a bit easier with his team. Shane hadn't liked dating Jessica though. He hadn't known what the expectations were, hadn't been able to read Jessica and he felt awkward with the physical intimacy. By the time of the draft, he had been desperately hoping that she would break up with him, mostly so that he didn't have to go through the motions but also so that he didn't actually have to break up with her.
He liked to think that he’d been a bit of a better partner to Rose, other than the whole ‘being gay’ thing. He’d tried, he’d really tried. He thinks that, with the exceptions of the sex disasters, he'd been mostly successful. Of course, it helped that he'd been older. More used to media attention. Shane may have been a big name in hockey, but Rose Landry was an even bigger name so, while they got a lot of paparazzi attention, it was more focused on Rose. It also helped that, completely different to Jessica, Rose knew hockey. Jessica had been interested in dating a hockey player, not interested in hockey. Rose was from Michigan. She had grown up around hockey and knew enough to have a conversation about it with him, Mr Hockey IQ as Ilya had once referred to him. She watched his games and could talk about them and how he had played. Outside of their conversations about hockey and her tales from set, Rose had been very confident and not afraid to tell him what she wanted. Which wasn't exactly dissimilar to Ilya now that Shane thought about it. Not that he was ever going to say that to either of them.
When it came down to it, though, there simply wasn’t anyone else for Shane Hollander other than Ilya Rozanov.
It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face
For so long he'd been fixated on hockey. Well, hockey and Ilya Rozanov. Hyper-fixated. For years, they had been the two things that had captivated his interest. They had been everything that he had thought about and when they had intersected - All Star games, Montreal vs Boston - it had been amazing that Shane hadn't walked into traffic, he'd been so hyper-focused. That hadn’t changed but his dual interests now had a soundtrack as he played this song on almost constant repeat.
Okay, so he didn’t want to shout it from the rooftops - that wasn’t really his style, more Ilya’s - but he did envy the casual intimacy that his parents had, that the Pike’s shared. He wanted to be able to spend time with Ilya where they weren’t hidden away. Where they could be themselves with friends, family, teammates.
I don't wanna live love this way
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday
When you hold me in the street
And you kiss me on the dance floor
I wish that we could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours
He was Ilya’s. Shane wanted to be able to hold his hand, kiss him in public, wear Ilya's jersey on his back and, maybe even one day, his ring on Shane's finger. Until that day could happen, well, he'd just have to wait for it.