Work Text:
Hey, Idiot
Birthday gifts are for diaper-shitting babies, so i knew you would enjoy one. Ha. Of course i didn't buy you anything. Just figured you would like this bunny i had for a while. Kinda reminds me of the one from that moronic movie you like so much, so you better thank me with all your ass for me to even bother remembering that about you.
You suck
~UU
John opened it, expecting to be jumped by jack-in-the-box or something stupid like that, but nothing moved, so that wasn't it. Maybe he should send it to a lab to get checked for deadly viruses?... Nah. He just puts his hand inside and takes out his present.
It really was a stuffed bunny! And scarily similar to the one from Con Air. Could Cal actually have just been all talk and had actually gone out of his way to get him a replica? Or maybe even the real deal!?...nah.
It probably was just a coincidence. But it was still weirdly thoughtful of Cal to even send him anything, even if it arrived a little late compared to the others. And also being something that John actually liked! He was thankful for Betty’s and Jack’s, but they had actually sent things that they would've liked! While Cal, despite always pretending he didn't give a fuck, gave him something really cool! He needed to thank him.
- - ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering undyingUmbrage [UU] - -
EB: good morning, you jerk.
EB: thanks for the present. you really didn’t have to and i was not really expecting it, but it’s pretty cool of you to give it to me.
UU: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOu TALKING ABOUT?
EB: the bunny? the one you sent me as a birthday gift?
UU: OH YEAH! THAT PIECE OF SHIT
UU: I FIGURED IT GOT LOST IN THE MAIL SINCE YOU DIDN'T BRING IT UP WHEN I SENT IT
EB: wait, did you sent it on the actual day of my birthday?
EB: i’m laughing so hard right now! you can be so brain dead some times.
UU: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! I JUST FORGOT YOU LIVE IN ASS FUCK NOWHERE, ANYONE COULD'VE MADE THAT MISTAKE!!
EB: now i feel bad for not sending you anything though. guess i can make it up to you on christmas.
UU: WHATEVER IS YOU GET ME BETTER BE FUCKING SWEET OR IM SENDING YOU A PIPEBOMB NEXT
EB: ha. i want to see you try.
EB: thanks again cal. you can actually be cool sometimes :)
- - ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering undyingUmbrage [UU] - -
***
Cal was kinda freaking out now. First he felt like an idiot loser for letting out his one fuck up with John's gift, but then he said something about getting him a present and that was making his heart beat so fast he might pass out. Fuck you, Egbert, for getting him like this!
He rushed to get his journal (NOT a diary! Those are for girls!) and scribble another page with as much ‘I HATE YOU’ s he could until it became unreadable. He already had multiple pages completely blacked out due to all the times John was so stupid it made him lose his composure, he was going to need a new journal soon if this keeps up.
Then, after he got all his nerd induced range out of his system, he just laid in bed, imagining all the things John could think of giving him and hating how long it would be until Christmas.
***
John’s package arrived in the first week of December, he said he would send extra early to make sure it would arrive in time. Cal just took to his room, trying his best to hide it from his brother. The box was smallish and flat, and by the sound it made when shaken whatever it was was snug in there. He didn't even considered saving it for the actual holidays(fuck that!), he just ripped into it!
And there it was on his hands, the first volume of Berserk. It was used, showing some signs of wear and it was starting to yellow, but after doing a quick flip through, he concluded it was in awesome condition! He also finds a card John put on the middle of the manga for him.
Hi, asshole
Here as i promised, a Christmas present! I remember how much of a weeaboo you are, and went out of my way to find something i thought you would enjoy. You are welcome! Maybe looking at this one will inspire you to make your art less shitty, i didn't read it, but the style looked pretty neat, maybe you can tell me later what it's all about.
You stink,
~EB
He couldn't even believe that dork could've come through with such a amazing fucking gift, but the asshole did it! He needed to thank him now, he guessed.
- - undyingUmbrage [UU] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] - -
UU: YOU MOTHERFUCKER I HATE YOU SO MUCH
EB: ???
EB: hello to you too, cal. what happened this time to get your panties in a twist?
UU: YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS ASSHOLE YOU SENT IT TO ME!
EB: guess your present arrived well then! that's good.
EB: and of course you already opened it. figured you would be a grinch with no sense of holiday joy.
UU: YOU ARE THE JERK HERE! I'M TRYING TO THANK YOU AND ALL YOU DO IS CRITICIZE ME? FUCK YOU
EB: so did you like it? i don't get that manga stuff much but i thought the drawings looked pretty cool
UU: OH YEAH! IT'S FUCKING GREAT!
UU: I KNOW A SIMPLETON LIKE YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE GOOD LITERATURE, SO I CAN SHARE A DOWNLOAD LINK FOR YOU TO WATCH THE ANIME
UU: JUST DON'T GO SPREADING IT AROUND, I DON'T WANT NORMIES KNOWING ABOUT IT
EB: haha okay, i will watch your dorkie cartoon *if* you wish me a merry christmas ;)
UU: URGHH YOU ARE SO ANNOYING
UU: MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN
EB: and a happy new year
UU: AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
UU: NOW GO FUCK OFF TO DECORATE YOUR TREE OR WHATEVER
EB: bye, cal. glad you enjoyed your present :P
UU: BYE >:P
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