Work Text:
“Iwa-chan, do you still love me?”
That was the question Oikawa Tooru chose to ask once a month, ever since he and Iwaizumi Hajime had finally, finally shared their feelings with each other and became a couple.
Iwaizumi would always reply with the same thing, a simple, “Of course I do, why wouldn’t I?” but deep inside he knew that Oikawa wanted a clear, specific answer, so depending on the way the question was asked, Iwaizumi would talk about it in a different manner each time.
For example, one time Oikawa had asked that question when he lost Iwaizumi’s favorite shirt. There was a mixup at the laundromat, and when Oikawa realized the shirt was gone and told Iwaizumi the news, he was devastated. Oikawa tried to joke about it at first, but in the end, he really did feel bad. He asked Iwaizumi if he still loved him, and Iwaizumi just sighed and said, “Of course, dumbass. Why the hell would I stop loving you just because you lost my shirt?”
Then there was another time where Oikawa felt miserable for spilling coffee all over Iwaizumi’s work papers. He had been working on those for months, and just like that, Oikawa had destroyed all that precious worth of time. Iwaizumi was indeed quite upset; he wouldn’t talk to Oikawa for a few hours, but when Oikawa had asked that question, Iwaizumi couldn’t help but assure him that he would get over it. He knew that just words wouldn’t help in that situation, so he sat down with Oikawa on the couch and held his hand, rubbing his thumb on Oikawa’s palm in a circular motion, whispering soothing words into his ear.
It took approximately forty one kisses to calm Oikawa down.
Iwaizumi was always ready to help Oikawa feel better when he messed up. After all, nobody was perfect, everybody made mistakes, and everyone had flaws. So, whenever Oikawa felt down, Iwaizumi would always be there to cheer him up again.
That was how it used to be. Oikawa only asked that question whenever he made Iwaizumi upset, but recently, it had become a habit and a routine. Oikawa always asked that question on a random day each month, even if he hadn’t done anything wrong. That made it harder for Iwaizumi to answer to it, because he couldn’t really tell him that everything was okay when there was no root cause behind it.
Iwaizumi knew Oikawa had always been insecure, and he had done everything he could to make Oikawa feel like he’s worth a lot more than he thinks, but lately Iwaizumi hadn’t had the energy to do it anymore.
So, on one December evening, as he curled up on the couch waiting for Oikawa to join him, he completely lost it when Oikawa had asked him the question.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Shittykawa?” had been his response, and Oikawa was actually surprised by his reaction. His half-lidded, depressing-looking eyes widened, watching his boyfriend with incredulity.
“Wh-what?” Oikawa asked hesitantly, taking a shaky step forward.
“You know what?” Iwaizumi said, throwing the newspaper he was holding forcefully to the floor. “I’m done. I can’t take this, not today.”
“Iwa-chan, what are you––” Oikawa began, but Iwaizumi cut him off.
“Work has been stressing me out lately, and I’m sorry Oikawa, but I just can’t take this anymore.”
Oikawa felt his breath hitch in his throat, but a sudden rush of paranoia washed over him, making him slightly hysterical. “Hah…Iwa-chan, that’s funny…”
But Iwaizumi wasn’t smiling. “Oikawa– Tooru, I’m serious.” He paused for a second, biting his lip. Oikawa watched him carefully, but couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. Iwaizumi was looking at the floor, so Oikawa kept his eyes on his clothes. Iwaizumi was wearing a pair of his godzilla pajamas, a nice pair he found on sale when they went to the store the other day. It reminded him of his childhood, and Oikawa would never forget how happy Iwaizumi was on that day.
The expression Iwaizumi wore right now was the complete opposite of that. It looked defeated, frustrated, even somewhat depressed. Oikawa wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes.
Sure, Iwaizumi had given him a lot of annoyed expressions before, but nothing compared to the one he had right now. It almost scared Oikawa. But nothing scared him more than what Iwaizumi said next.
“Oikawa, I need a break. I’m leaving.”
Iwaizumi stared at him dead in the eyes, although Oikawa could tell that his gaze was slightly faltering despite his efforts to keep it steady. Oikawa could’ve sworn he felt his heart stop in that moment.
“Iwa-chan, come on. I said the joke’s over...” Oikawa said slowly, his voice filled with desperation. He still couldn’t believe his ears.
“I’m sorry. But this, what we have right now, I just...” Iwaizumi trailed off, his voice and expression both becoming neutral.
Before Oikawa could ask what he meant, Iwaizumi stood up without looking at him and headed for the door. Panic settled into Oikawa’s heart as he lunged forward, grabbing one of Iwaizumi’s legs and holding onto it firmly.
“Iwa-chan, you can’t be serious!” Oikawa cried, his eyes filling with tears. His heart pounded in his chest, so fast and hard that he started to momentarily lose consciousness.
“Let me go, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said in an emotionless voice. But Oikawa knew him too well; that emotionless tone was just a facade to hide something else, something not even Oikawa could tell for sure.
“No no no, you can’t do this, don’t leave me, please,” Oikawa begged, tightening his grip around Iwaizumi’s leg. Iwaizumi let out an annoyed growl.
“I said let go. Don’t make me ask again,” Iwaizumi stated firmly, clenching his fists.
“Iwa-chan, please!” Oikawa raised his voice, and it hurt Iwaizumi’s ears. It sounded like the scream of a character from one of Oikawa’s favorite sci-fi movies, one similar to the sound of being torn apart from the inside.
“Just fuck off!” Iwaizumi yelled back, lifting the leg Oikawa was holding in an attempt to shake him off.
“If you’re leaving, at least take some things with you! Where will you go?! Where will you stay?!” Oikawa protested in hopes to reason with him. He also wanted to use a bit of reverse psychology, but it wasn’t doing him any justice.
“Quit worrying about me and let me go,” was Iwaizumi’s immediate response.
The sound of Oikawa’s voice kept coming like he was reciting a prayer or a chant. “Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave...”
Iwaizumi was getting tired of it. He waited long enough, and with one sharp jerk, he pulled his leg free of Oikawa’s grasp. He thought it was oddly easy, even for someone as strong as himself, but he didn’t think of it much.
With a heavy weight in his heart, Iwaizumi walked out the front door, shutting it behind him. He never looked back, not once.
Iwaizumi didn’t know after he left, stupidly thinking that Oikawa had willingly let him go, that Oikawa had fallen unconscious and wouldn’t wake up again.
When he found out the truth after returning a day later, with regret filling every inch of his body, he almost couldn’t bear the fact that it was too late.
And there was no turning back. No matter how much he wanted to.