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The Watchtower was finally ready for residency and it was time to move in. John had gone back to his apartment a couple days prior to pack up the rest of his stuff, and I started gathering what I wanted to take with me, leaving just enough at both my Mami’s and my Dad’s respective places in case I needed to flee. And oh boy, did I have reason to flee. That reason had a name: Bucky Barnes.
Sam Wilson had been the first person overseeing my PTSD treatment after my rescue from captivity by insurgents in Syria, my rescue by John’s 75th Ranger Regiment. Then that thing with the Flag Smashers happened around the time John was called up for Captain America duty in the smallest of “small worlds.” Sam and Bucky did their thing, and we know what happened with John. But Bucky had one job in the interim when Sam headed off into the sunset after the “victory,” as it were, over the Flag-Smashers. It was to keep an eye on me until Dr. Raynor could maybe get me placed somewhere and continue my treatment. My PTSD was much more severe at that point, I was at least more verbal than I started out, but I was not the flippant, social butterfly you’ve been reading in these last few stories. I was a wreck. Jumpy, self-isolated, angry, grief-stricken, some of the scars from my “ordeal” still livid on my body. If anyone would understand, it would be Bucky.
He understood all too well. Maybe he had a thing for damsels in distress. He was very protective, very sweet, he really took care of me. I can’t complain about that. What I can complain about was it was too much for the mess I was, and of course because I was bereaved, I clung to him. And because we were alone a lot, you can guess how that went. I thought maybe it was serendipity. But then when Dr. Raynor came in and saw what had happened, she was furious; he knew he screwed up, and called it quits. Everyone was right, and I know now that they were right, but you can’t tell me it didn’t fucking hurt like my heart was put through a meat grinder. Again.
The funniest part about that was Bucky actually said to Dr. Raynor, “You told me I had nobody, now you’re upset I found someone?” But she told him two codependent people are not the answer to finding a healthy relationship. Looking back on this now, I thought briefly about John. Am I doing this again, or am I in a better place now? Even if I am, is he?
Never mind, there’s nothing else for it, moving in is the order of the day. There was a service that came by to pick up my boxes, the guy was a little annoyed when I told him I had two addresses but I told him Valentina Allegra de Fontaine was my aunt and that the second address we were going to was that of her brother, my father Robert McLovin, a Deputy Director of the CIA, and bro buttoned his pissy lip. I hate pulling the “Don’t you know who I am” card but come on, my Dad lives not that far from the Watchtower (lucky me), it’s not like I’m asking you to drive to Jersey or something.
When we pulled up to the Watchtower, I thanked him profusely and paid him a handsome tip even though it wasn’t that type of service and he seemed to think more highly of me for that. You never know when someone might come in handy for some hijinks in the future, stay on their good side, you know? Then I went inside, security had me use a retinal scanner, and I was through to the elevators, and all the way up. I’d already seen the layout so I knew if I hooked a quick right I could slink down beside the wall to the hallway and maybe have a chance to head towards the bedrooms without being seen.
I was halfway down the wall, looking back over my shoulder with no one in sight, and I turned my face forward right into a large man with salt and pepper hair and an enormous handlebar moustache. He peered at me for a moment, and then boomed out in a Russian accent, “Oh, you must be Liluana McLovin. I remember your father, tremendous adversary in the field, if you are anything like him, eh?” And then he switched to Russian: “So you are here to protect this merry little group of misfits, is that what Valentina has planned for you?” A test, to see if I understood? I could play dumb, or be honest. Best to be honest.
I answered back in Russian, “One never knows what Valentina really has in mind, but we play along until her real motives are made clear, so she won’t move against us.” Then the realization that I’d been made, and the rest of these Thunderbolts were closing in on us. Welp. So much for my stealthy entrance. Switching back to English, I said, “You must be Alexei Shostakov, it’s good to meet you,” and I shook his hand. “I don’t think you were here when I had that little meeting with you all when this place was in the planning stage.”
“Now we’ll all be one big happy family. I’m loving this! Yelena, come here and say hello to your new sister, but be careful, her Russian is very good.” Alexei was grinning ear to ear, I couldn’t say his enthusiasm wasn’t infectious, but it was hard to tell whether it was shared.
“Yes, yes,” Yelena laughed, “I had the pleasure once before. We’ve already been hearing about you all morning, Walker won’t shut up about his time at your mother’s house.” She hooked an arm through mine and started leading me away from the refuge of the bedrooms and down toward the public space of what looked like a lounge. “How did you put up with him for weeks, just the two of you? Was there any point you felt the urge to murder him in his sleep?”
“Oh, several. Especially when he caught a cold, but you know how men can be.” I wasn’t sure if I should be trash-talking John or not, even in fun, so I decided to broaden the jab a little bit. I wasn’t sure in general how this dynamic worked. I could see Yelena appreciated taking shots at John, too, and there was definitely room there for it to become an Olympic level event, but part of my taking shots at John was because... well, let’s be honest, I was having a hard time coming to grips with what I was actually feeling for John, and what I probably shouldn’t be feeling for John, and playground behavior was my coping mechanism. What was it for Yelena?
John was down on the sofas with some of the people I remembered meeting. Bob, who was very sweet; and Ava, who was nice but indifferent... maybe it took her a minute to get to know people, that’s cool as long as she’s not hostile. But John got up when he saw me and gave me a hug.
“Finally, I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost,” he almost bubbled, and I stifled the urge to say something along the line that I almost wished I had.
“Yeah, they finally cornered me,” I half-joked, feeling more uncomfortable than ever.
“Well, sit down, get comfortable...” he started, but I interrupted him.
“I was going to go unpack...” I started, but Yelena interrupted ME.
“Nonsense, unpacking can wait, let’s all hang out, we’re finally all together!” And she dragged John down on the sofa to one side of her and pulled me down on the other. Well, this was awkward.
“Yelena,” John teased, “Why are you such a control freak?”
“Because you don’t know how to behave in social situations.”
“What do you mean, and how are you better, Yelena? It’s not like you get out much unless it’s to murder someone.”
“Ohhhh, ouch, Walker, I think the last time I saw you out, you didn’t even do that much, you missed.”
“Yeah, but that would have been you that I shot.”
“You should be so lucky, Walker.”
And on and on they went. They really had the buddy banter on lock. That was my banter with John. Well, where did that leave me?
But then matters went from bad to worse. Alexei’s voice once again boomed out, “Bucky! Just in time! Have you met Liluana McLovin?”
Fuuuuuuck, here we go.
“We’re acquainted,” Bucky said to Alexei. And then to me, “Hey Lilu, how’s it going?”
I couldn’t even look at him. I just sat there, already miserable next to Yelena, my jaw clenched, and all that came out was, “Barnes.” I could tell all conversation, all witty banter, everything had stopped and everyone was looking at me. The vacuum was forming in my lungs, and I had to get out of there. I stood up, maybe a little too quickly, but whatever.
“I’ll leave you all to it, I’m going to go unpack.” Heh, yeah, I was going to need to do some unpacking on a lot of layers.
“Do you need any help?” John called out as I was walking away.
“Nope.”
I was down that hallway as fast as I could walk because running seemed like more drama than I already caused. I found the room with my name on it, put my finger on the scanner, let myself in, and hurled myself across the bed.
First off, why were Yelena and John so cute? Were he and I ever that cute when we hung out together? I’d like to think so, but I don’t know. She’s just cute in general, she’s funny and petite and her adorable accent. Her white skin and blonde hair and I am not particularly funny. I’m a complete moose at 5’9” and although my weight is listed at 160lbs with the Army, I feel like I’m pushing 180. I don’t have an adorable accent. My skin is brown. I’m loud, I laugh loud, and I snore loud.
Then the fact that they had, at the very least, that whole sibling vibe going on big time. I don’t know how much room there is for two of us to do the same act. I can fully admit to myself that I never had the self esteem for something like this, but now, after everything that’s happened to me, the trauma... I’m cooked. I can’t compete with this. Even though it’s not supposed to be a competition. The only reason it was working before was because it was just me and him, and it looked like Olivia was receding into the distance. Probably all indicators I was not in a place for a healthy relationship and I should stand firm on that.
And then the ugliness with Bucky? But how could I get out of here when Val has shot me down twice when I raised concerns? I felt tears wanting to spring forth out of my eyes, and I fought them back. I didn’t want to break down here. I needed to find someone to get my shit out of here and then I could break down.
Of course, though, I should have known... the knock came at the door. I ignored it. It came again. I ignored it again. It came a third time with a “Liluana, I know you’re in there. Open the door.” It was John.
“No I’m not. I’m dead. I’ve died. RIP me. They’re sending my body home. Please say something nice at my funeral.”
“Come on, Lilu, what’s wrong? Open the door.”
“What’s wrong? This place is a living hell, that’s what’s wrong. I’m going to go home, and I’m going to ask Val to reassign me.”
“Why is it a living hell? Yelena thought she did something wrong, she was just trying to be friendly. And what was all that about with Barnes?” John persisted.
“Oh god, just go away!” Oh god, oh god, oh god, why doesn’t he see? He’s just making it worse.
“Goddamnit, Liluana, let me in!”
I scrambled to find my noise cancelling earbuds and turned on music. I could still feel the concussive pounding on the door, and then finally it stopped. And later, Val texted me.
Aunt Val: “Hey there, you’re not crashing out on me already?”
Lilu: “I can’t stay here, Auntie Val.”
Aunt Val: “You can and you will. I kept your ass out of prison, you need to do this for me. No more questions, no more prevaricating. This or time, those fraternization charges can always be reopened.”
Lilu: “Wow. We’re family.”
Aunt Val: “I need you there. As family.”
Lilu: “Fine”
Aunt Val: “Let Walker in when he comes back.”
Lilu: “Fine. Wait, did he text you?”
Aunt Val: “Love you.”
Lilu: “Love you too Auntie Val”
A minute later, there was the knock on the door. I got up and opened it, and there was John, frowning. I stood back to let him in, and closed it behind him.
“What’s going on with you right now?” he demanded.
“A whole hell of a lot, that’s what. I’m entitled to have my moments, too, John, it’s not always about you. You didn’t have to text Val.”
“I was worried when it went silent in here, and I knew you wouldn’t answer me. What started it?” His tone still didn’t settle out.
“Yelena, to start. Bucky to finish.”
“Let’s start with Bucky, how do you know him?” John asked, still demanding.
“It’s a long story, Sam left me in his care for a bit before I transitioned to Dr. Raynor, things got involved when he knew better, it didn’t help my mental state, I’d have preferred never to see him again for the rest of my life. Next question.” I made sure I made eye contact throughout that entire answer because I wasn’t evasive, I was hurt and pissed off, big difference.
“And Yelena?” he asked, drilling down on this mercilessly.
“Yelena is a doll, she’s perfectly charming. I don’t have a problem with her.”
“There’s obviously a problem,” he retorted.
“The problem is there’s no room for me in this. You all had your tight-knit group, your found family, and the only reason there was room for me was because you had to split up while you waited for your headquarters to be finished. Now you’re back to normal. You and Yelena have the same thing that you and I have. I think now, looking back, that I must have been a substitute Yelena while you two were apart. That’s fine, I wish I’d known though.” Oh ouch, now that I said it I realize it’s true and it hurt.
John paused, I could see his wheels turning. “I don’t think you were a substitute. I mean, okay, fine, I like that kind of interaction. But you and her are completely different in my mind.”
“It doesn’t feel different, it doesn’t look different, and it doesn’t sound any different, John, and I’m not going to compete with that. There’s no room for me here. I just wanted to go back, but Val has insisted I stay, so I’ll figure out a way to make the best of it. Just let me figure that out on my own, okay?”
“You don’t even want to know how you’re different?” he asked, again trying to push to the heart of the matter, but I found felt my airway constricted.
“Is it going to make things better or worse?” I finally looked at him. “Because all of this right now really sucks.”
He walked over to me, cupped my face in his hands, and said, “Liluana, I...” But then yet another knock on the door and Yelena’s voice.
“Walker, are you in there with Lilu? Walker, I need you for something very important.”
John hesitated, but I was already pulling back. “Go ahead,” I told him. “I’m obviously not going anywhere. I’ll be unpacking.” And I turned my back on him. I couldn’t see his face, but the long pause before he finally left my room said it all. Let him be conflicted, he was enjoying his girl-friends before his divorce was even final. I was stupid to think I was the only one, this was karma reminding me that it was still a living force in the universe. That Yelena, why did she have to be so damned cute? What is it they say on the internet? “Would.” Yeah, totally would. I wonder if John would, too. *sigh*