Chapter Text
...
It's been less than a week since the whole disaster with the tv guy and... you know... since a whole war against Heaven almost broke out. Seriously, that was way too close.
It's also been less than a week since a sinner managed to capture him and use him as a fucking battery. Seriously, what the fuck??
He's still hurt from that, by the way. His magic is still regenarating, meaning that he barely has any power to heal his own body. Not to mention that he's using the little power he manages to get back into fixing the damage the sinners cause at the hotel.
Specially that australian cyclops and the little fish guy. Why is she so obsessed with blowing up the walls? And the scientist is always creating new shit that ends up destroying more property...
And every other guest causes more damage with their constant fights and disputes...
What the fuck is wrong with sinners?
As soon as Lilith disappears, sinners think they can do whatever they want. Things in the Pentagram have been getting out of control. And every year it gets worse!
It got so bad that sinners didn't cause enough trouble in the ring. No! They had to bring their greed and violence to the next level by attacking Heaven...
It was only a matter of time before one of them tried this kind of bullshit, he just never thought they would try it on him!
And now he can't be around sinners without feeling a little uncomfortable...
He has known for a very long time that getting himself involved with them was going to bring nothing but disappoinment. The only reason he bothered in the past was Lilith. And now his daughter, Charlie...
He couldn't be more proud of her. She managed to prove both Heaven and Hell wrong, that sinners can change for the better... well, some of them....
Most sinners are still huge pieces of shit and Hell feels a little lighter every time one of them dies...
Wait, is that racist? Does this make him sound like a racist?
No! No, it doesn't! He hates sinners for their actions, not for being humans! He would have to hate humans in general for him to be racist, right?
...
Maaaybe it's better if he never voices any of these thoughts out loud... specially not in front of Charlie...
The point is, most sinners are the personification of trouble, they can't go anywhere without hurting someone or causing conflict.
And they keep doing it inside the hotel's walls. Every day they are creating fights, or hiding drugs, or trying to get more alcohol than the bartender cat will let them...
Most of them aren't even taking redemption seriously, even though they now know it's possible.
They just can't leave their savage nature behind for at least one day...
And of course, since they discovered that Lucifer himself can't do shit about them, they don't waste a single oportunity to mess with him...
He can't get out of his room without hearing a sinner talk shit about him...
Just... great...
And again, it's only a matter of time before they try something stupid again. And he can't let that happen. He can't let them keep messing with Charlie's hotel like this...
It's early in the morning. Around 5 a.m. he thinks. He hates getting up early but so do the sinners, so it's the only moment in the day where he can go around the hotel without getting bullied...
It sounds so stupid. The King of Hell being bullied? He's not a fucking teenager...
But he has to recognize it for what it is, bulling. And he does everything in his power to avoid it. He just wants so peace, okay?
So, here he is, sitting on the large couch of the empty lounge, sipping on some coffee, he doesn't feel like cooking right now. He can just summon something else later...
There's gotta be something he can do. A sinner got cocky and almost started a war. Sinners have been getting out of control without Lilith around.
Who knows what kind of catastrophy they will cause next...
Maybe he could...? No, he shouldn't ask the Sins for help. They have their own lives, their own rings, their own responsibilities. He can't just call them every time he has a problem and make them fix it...
Besides, calling them only because he needs something from them feels wrong. It's like he only contacts them for their usefulness, nothing more... He kind of knows what that feels like...
Didn't Charlie call him only for that same reason?
So, no, the Sins are out of the question.
The Goetias... mehh...
He loves his creations. Every single one of them. From the ducks, to the Goetias and his beloved daughter... but he can admit that most of them have turned into egocentric pieces of shit. Being royalty got to their heads...
He can already imagine them complaining about 'getting their hands dirty with sinner's blood', he can hear their accents and see the disgust on their faces...
But without them; he's out of options. Maybe he could find a loophole to his punishment, a way for him to hurt sinners without going against his punishment...
But how?
He was staring in the distance, not really looking at anything in particular when-
"Is it true?"
A little voice said right next to his ear. He was sipping coffee in that moment, and due to the surprise, apparently he forgot how to drink and the coffee went straight to his lungs instead of his stomach...
He didn't realize that he dropped his pink and orange mug onto the couch. The rest of the coffee was absorbed by the fabric...
While his body tried with all its might to expel the liquid from his lungs, he looked to his left and saw the little maid of the hotel. She was staring at him while hanging onto the back of the couch... was she happy to see him? She has a little smile. Meh, she most likely finds it funny to see him coughing...
"You okay?"
"J-just... peachy..." he barely managed to say while in the middle of chocking. He had to grab the couch to make sure he wouldn't lose balance...
No, wait. Chocking is with solids, right? It sounds weird to say that he's chocking on a liquid. Drowning is with liquids. Yep, he's drowning right now... it still sounds weird, though...
After his lungs finally cleared, he turned back to look at the little maid, who was still staring at him as she made her way to sit at the top of the couch...
"I-I'm sorry, what did you say?" He cleans a bit of coffee that running down his chin...
"Is it true you can't hurt other bad boys?" She's smilling. He doesn't like that. Not one bit...
"Wait. How did you know that?" Now, there's no way he's going to take his eyes off of her...
"Alastor!" She said with all the innocence in the world...
"Ah... of course..."
Of course that damn speaker couldn't keep his mouth shut. Of course he would run his mouth and tell anyone that crossed his path. Well, it's not like every sinner in the ring doesn't know it already...
"Well, yeah, it's true. But I'm okay with it, it's alway been like this. There's nothing I can do about it, anyway." He said as he crossed his arms with a shug... well, nothing he can do about it for now...
Seriously, what were they thinking? What was going through their heads when they stopped the most powerful being in Hell from harming sinners? He is the only person that could bring order to the Pentagram and because of them, he can't do shit about it...
Fuck you, Heaven...
"I can do it!"
Wait, what?
"Eh?" He turned to look back at the maid, confusion all over his face. She what?
"~I can punish the bad boys for you~!" She leaned towards him, kicking her legs back and forth as she cluched a giant needle (Where did she get that from??). He swears he sees sparks in her giant eye.
From anyone else's perspective, she would look like an excited kid about to hit the piñata. But from Lucifer's perspective? He sees a crazy woman. She's deranged, absolutely out of her mind and he wants nothing more than go back to his room. She's making him so uncomfortable right now. He can feel he sweat go down his skin as he lifts his hand, as if he was trying to create a tiny shield between himself and the girl...
"I uhh... I appreciate the gesture... uhh... Tiffany, but-"
He was trying to slowly put distance between the crazy maid and him, but before he could finish his sentence, she grabbed his face, putting her tiny hands on Lucifer's cheeks, leaned close to his face, looked at him straight in the eye and said:
"LET ME KILL FOR YOU..."
...
"okay..."
"Yay!!"
He had answered without thinking. He just wanted her to stay away from him. She was giving him the creeps, and he felt that she wouldn't take a no for an answer (He doesn't want to admit that he was too scared to say no), so...
She didn't waste any time to run off and celebrate, leaving Lucifer alone in the lounge once again...
He had more than enough time to repeat the conversation over and over again in his head. And the more he does, the more confused he feels.
What... what just happened?
What in the fuck did he just agree to?
...