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This was hardly the first time Morgan's brain wouldn't let her sleep, but if she had to be awake being wrapped around Adam was the way to do it. She shifted downward slightly, repositioning herself so that her ear was right over his heartbeat, then closed her eyes and let herself listen to the steady thump. It was rapidly becoming one of her favorite sounds.
For a single, awful moment, she imagined never being able to hear it again.
And even though she'd moved a lot more to get into this position in the first place, somehow the tension that passed through her then was enough to wake Adam up. He smoothed his huge hand along her back, voice a sleepy rumble. "You're thinking too hard."
She let out a breath, trying hard to keep her voice light. "It's literally what they pay me for."
"Morgan," he said gently, sounding far more awake now. "Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. We literally just talked about this."
She knew she could tell him. He was almost terrifyingly good at comforting her, and she knew he'd try here even if he didn't really understand it. Even if knowing about it hurt him a little. Because when he loved someone, he gave them everything he had.
She let out a breath, trying hard to ignore the little spasm of fear that shot through her. She used to be better at it, before Adam. "I spent most of my life filtering the world through the inside of my head. Logic puzzles were fun, or at least incredibly manageable. Feelings were stupid and awful and there was no way to fix them."
So she'd turned school into a problem to solve, a series of clues to observe and behaviors to dissect. When she didn't like the answers, she crafted a persona calculated to piss them off and let her enjoy herself at the same time. They couldn't be disappointed if they were mad, and she couldn't be sad or lost or heartbroken if she was enjoying being defiant.
That had worked for her until Roman, who saw the world in a way even her brain hadn't been able to imagine. He lived in a world of feeling, and he pulled her in and together they made a beautiful daughter out of all that feeling. They hadn't had any money, but life had been wonderful.
Then Roman had just... disappeared. And, except for Ava, all that was left was pain.
So she went back to depending on her brain, the one thing that had never let her down. She loved Ludo, she truly did, but even when they were confused about what kind of love it was he'd never threatened to tip her out of her brain into that big, terrifying well of feeling that was supposed to belong only to the kids. In fact, one of the reasons she'd been drawn to him at first was because he'd seemed so safe.
"Feelings are hard," Adam agreed quietly. "I'm not any good at them, either."
"Oh, you're a champ at them, Mr. Karadec." Morgan pushed herself up on one elbow so she could see his face in the light filtering in from outside. "You try hard not to show it, but you feel things as deep as the Marianas Trench." She stroked her fingertips over his cheek, chest tight with everything she was feeling. "And it doesn't seem to scare you even a little bit."
He curled a steadying hand around the back of her neck. "You feel things just as much as I do." His voice was gentle, but full of that same bedrock certainty he was so good at. "And you're the bravest person I know."
"But it still scares me. You scare me." Voice thick, she pressed a soft kiss against his shoulder. "You constantly tip me over into this big ocean of feeling that I'm usually so good at only skimming with anyone who isn't the kids. And it can be so beautiful in there, but it's so, so easy to drown without somebody to hold onto. You can make it back to the surface if you don't have any other choice, but it's so hard." She blinked against the tears that suddenly threatened to spill over. "And it hurts."
Tenderly, he brushed away her tears with his thumb. "Roman."
"Yeah." She swallowed. "The thing is, you'd have left us a letter. You know me well enough to know I'd keep looking no matter what. If you were suddenly gone..." Morgan squeezed her eyes shut, curling up against him again. "I'd come back from that because I'd have to. For the kids. But..."
Emotion surged, making her throat close up. Adam wrapped his arms around her, lips against her hair, and just held her. Not interrupting, not arguing. Just holding her.
She let out a shuddering breath. "But it wouldn't be all of me, because the best version of me doesn't work anymore unless you're there, too." Her voice cracked. "And that scares me so damn much."
Adam made a wounded noise, pulling her up just enough so he could look into her eyes. "I will do everything in my power to come back to you," he swore, cradling her face like it was the most precious thing in the world. "Always. Every time. No matter what I have to do."
He couldn't promise to always come back. He knew that, and instead had given her everything he could.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, she answered him with a kiss that let the ocean wash over them both.