Work Text:
The problem was that it was supposed to be her job to do this. This frantic mind rushing keeping him awake as he thinks over everything that has happened since he first saw his murder board messed with. She’s the one who doesn’t sleep for over 38 hours because her mind won’t quiet. She’s the one who catalogues every moment and interaction and word.
But yet, here he was lying next to the woman he thought he’d lost, in a home he had kept quiet and lonely after they had broken up and he couldn’t quiet his mind. His brain thinking about the feeling of his lips on Morgan’s ear as he attempted to calm her. The sensation of his hand along her arm and back through the sheer top. The heat of her body pressed against his.
Fed up with his stupid mind, he looks at his alarm clock right as it clicks over to 3:21 am. Almost a countdown in a way. His traitorous mind thinks about the other things he’d thought in that moment. His brain trying to forget the things he’d know could help with a panic attack ever since he’d clocked the first symptoms of anxiety she leaked out when her mind couldn’t stop.
He wishes he could forget the way he’d spent time memorizing coping techniques used to help panic attacks. The 5-4-3-2-1 method. Square breathing. A kiss.
It wasn’t highly recommended. But the method had been listed for extreme cases on a few websites he had clicked on. It was stupid. He would never do it and it would be inappropriate no matter her panic. But still in that moment his mind had remembered.
Giving up, he gets out of bed, taking care to not wake Lucia. He walks to the kitchen and fills a glass with water from his fridge. As he sips, standing in front of the sink, he wonders when this had happened. This growing care for Morgan Gillory that had built up so slowly.
He had grown to care for her so slowly that he was already changing before he had known he could feel that way again. This woman who had stormed into his life and taken over in ways that should’ve driven him insane long before now. And he had disliked her. In the beginning when he hadn’t understood how her amazing brain could do so much more than make connections he and others would miss.
She had crept into the small pieces of his life in a way that was not subtle but yet he was surprised to find how much his feelings about her had changed. This woman who shot him with tranquilizer guns and broke protocol and texted suspects and victims. This woman who had answered his phone to make dates from his dating profile and showed up at his home unannounced with no regard to his privacy.
Still, he knew how much her heart was the most impressive thing about her. Others looked at her and saw a walking chaos with a high IQ and wanted to use her to solve cases. Wagner certainly acted that way. Or maybe the team used to anyways.
But Morgan wasn’t just a walking memory of useful facts. She was a living testament to the way she cared for others. Her children, Ludo, Soto, Oz, Daphne, the officers and detectives at the precinct, and even Adam himself. Even when she teased him he knew it was because she genuinely cared about him. Her desire for him to try again with Lucia was out of a true belief that he deserves to be happy.
He thinks about her asking him if he was happy to be back with Lucia. He had hesitated in that moment, because he wasn’t sure. The easiest answer was “yes,” because that was what he wants to feel. He wants to be happy to have the woman he loved back in his arms and life again. He was supposed to be. But was he?
The answer was more complicated than that.
But Morgan is just his partner. His friend. Right? He would know if he felt more than the kind of love you feel for a friend. He would.
His water glass empty, he washes it quickly and sets it aside to dry. He goes to his sofa and sits, hoping he’ll start to feel tired if he listens to some quiet music and lays back to rest. He puts some jazz on a low volume and tries to close his eyes and focus on the melody.
He listens to the music and his mind wanders. He wonders if Morgan would feel the same in his arms as they danced to jazz. He can imagine the way she would feel as they swayed to the sound coming from his speakers as they moved around in his living room.
He knows she loves to dance. His first real memory was of her dancing through Major Case as she cleaned. She wasn’t necessarily talented in that video, but he can imagine it would not be the same if he held her in his arms in the privacy of his place. Even at the police gala he’d barely had a chance to dance with her and certainly not hold her close. Too focused on protecting her from Gio. Then there was Tom standing at the entrance and he knew he had to let her go.
He thinks about offering her his hand as she stood in his apartment and the way she would take it. It would be different in the privacy of his apartment. He could hold her closer and feel her against him. No eyes watching them and judging.
Their first official case together she had said, “let’s dance” and she had offered her hand for help to step up on the skylight of that roof. She had taken it without hesitation then. But that felt so long ago. Before he had wanted to hold her hand.
Wait? Does he want to hold her hand? Oh God, please no. He can’t do this. He can’t love his partner.
The fact that she had told him to pursue Lucia again means she certainly does not feel the same. Because Morgan doesn’t love him that way. She wouldn’t encourage him to date if she wanted him, surely.
Though, as he thinks back through their partnership, she had always wanted him to be happy no matter what. She cares about him, but not the way he’s scared that he wants her. He hears the door to his room open, and he sits up to pause the music.
“Can’t sleep?” Lucia asks.
“Yeah, just can’t make my mind settle. Sorry if I woke you,” he replies.
He feels her hands settle on his shoulders and slide around his front to hug him. It feels wrong. His muscles tense and he feels her tense in response.
“Adam? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. No, sorry. Just thinking too much I guess.”
“I bet I can make you feel tired…” she says in a sweet but suggestive tone.
“No.” He can tell she’s surprised by the response and he finds himself surprised too. Her arms release him and she moves around to sit next to him on the couch.
“Sorry, that sounded short with you. I didn’t mean to. Just don’t feel up to…” he finds himself trailing off.
“Are you okay? Is there something I did?”
Adam has never felt this stupid and ashamed before. He’s got the supposed love of his life trying to seduce him and he’s sitting on his sofa thinking of his partner. God, what a pathetic human he is. Rule number 1 of police work is not falling for your partner. And yet…
“No. No, I promise there’s nothing you did.”
“But there is something wrong. Isn’t there? I could feel it when we talked.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“This is about more than just feeling you deserve me. This is about how you feel now versus then.”
He looks in her eyes and thinks of the way he felt when he broke up with her all those years ago. The way he had loved and wanted her, but knew he couldn’t give her everything she deserved. He had kept that blue rose on his wall as a reminder of what he had lost. And what he couldn’t have. The love he had felt then was so intense and immense. But now, he realizes that it’s different.
He realizes he’s been quiet too long when she breaks his gaze and moves to stand.
“Lucia-“
“Adam, what are we doing here? Why are you telling me you want to try again but clearly you don’t love me anymore?”
She’s standing over him in front of the sofa, and he feels as small as he should be knowing what he’s slowly piecing together tonight.
“It’s not that I don’t love you. I just…”
“You just what?” the anger clearly growing in her tone. He stands up to face her, thinking it’s only fair to look her in the eyes when he tells her.
“I just love you differently. I thought that I was different. And I am. I get more free time from work. I am learning to live for more than work and to deal with chaos. But this new me? I’m not sure who this new me is, but I thought that I would still feel that love the same.”
“But you don’t. Do you?” Her voice was now cracking with emotion and pain. Tears formed in her eyes and he felt like every bit of the monster he clearly was.
“No. And I don’t think I can learn to love you the way you deserve with who I am now.”
“Because you love someone else.” He feels his lungs catch at the knowing tone through her tears.
“Maybe. I think. It’s been a long time since I… well since I felt love like what we had. But it feels different this time too. Everything feels different now.”
“Adam,” her hand reaches out for his and she holds it. “I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt. It does. And I’m certainly a little mad. Though I have a feeling you didn’t know this when we reconnected.”
“I didn’t. I really didn’t. God, I’m so sorry. I hurt you again. Just when I told you I didn’t want to.”
“Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen. I am going to grab the few things I have here. I am going to go home even though it is,” she looks at her watch, “4 am. And you are going to stop and think about how to tell your partner what you feel for her,”
He looks up at her quickly.
“I never said-“
“You didn’t need to Adam. I’m not a fool and there’s only so many people you regularly see in your life. And you certainly haven’t been seeing someone regularly in a relationship since we broke up. Not to mention it’s clear that she’s the one who’s causing these changes in your inflexibility to a more open you.”
He feels her squeeze his hand before she drops it and steps back.
“Adam, I’m not going to pretend this doesn’t hurt. It does. But maybe this is closure for us. We both left things unresolved last time. We wanted it to work but it wasn’t going to back then. This gave us a chance to see that it never would. You are different. And I’m glad to see what Morgan has done for you. So maybe we needed to see that it was ended right this time.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve never had this problem before. How could I be so stupid?”
“‘We are all fools in love.’ I remember thinking that sounded so romantic when I heard it for the first time. Now, I realize it means that love isn’t fair. It’s stupid and painful and we fall for people we shouldn’t and we cannot change that.”
“I wish I could.”
“Adam Karadec. You listen to me. It’s going to be a while before I’m truly okay with this. But I don’t think you should let your mind rule you here. You’ve always had a big heart that you never let show. You’ve stuck to logic and rules and routine without letting yourself feel all of the things you can feel with the big beautiful wide life you deserve.”
“I don’t-“
“It’s okay to show you care. It’s okay to do the silly things and the grand gestures and the small things that show you know and love someone. In fact, it’s the best way to live. Just don’t be scared to let yourself feel and then share those feelings.”
“Lucia, I don’t know if I can do that. You know who I am. I’m not built that way.”
“Maybe you didn’t used to be. But you’re different now. That’s why it was worth it for me to try again. You let yourself be late. You left wine glasses on the table over night. You are growing. And I know that you are learning to love the way you wanted to. A demonstrative love that you cannot stop yourself from showing.”
She pulls him into a hug and kisses his cheek.
“Now, I am going to get my things, you are going to walk me to my car, and I will text you when I’m home safely. Then you will text me weekly to tell me how you’re doing and we are going to be friends.”
She pulls away and moves to the bedroom and bathroom grabbing her belongings and putting them in a bag. He walks her down to her car and kisses her cheek.
“I could never deserve you. But I hope you find the love you want Lucia.”
“No one earns love Adam. There’s not a point system that makes you magically worthy of it. There is only the effort you put in and, if you’re lucky, the love they give back. I think we’re both going to have that luck now that we know we can move on.”
Adam is quiet as she gets in her car and he closes the door for her. He watches her pull out of her spot and pull out onto the road. He stands there for a moment cataloguing the emotions running through him. There’s a relief bubbling up, and a sense of closure over a long opened wound.
As he walks back up to his apartment, he thinks about Morgan once again. He wants to say he doesn’t deserve her either, but he thinks of Lucia saying that no one can earn love from someone. You don’t have to deserve love. And he thinks, maybe. Just maybe, he could actually find a way to live with this love and make it work. Maybe he could love Morgan and she could love him in return.
She’s always made it clear that her mind has made relationships hard. She thinks she cannot make one work because of who she is. But he loves her as she is. Every second of her insanity and brilliance and wildness and lack of self-control makes her fun and hard work and beautiful beyond her looks. She deserves to know that.
As he lays down in his bed once again, he receives the text from Lucia confirming she’s home safely. He texts back a quick “thank you” and sets his phone back on his nightstand. And then he sleeps.