Archive of Our Own

“Sakamoto-san, how many times have I asked you not to eat ramen next to me?” Shin asked, grimacing down at the splatters covering his sweatshirt.

“Sorry,” he responded, though Shin didn’t know how much he believed the apology.

“Ugh, this is going to stain,” he muttered. “I like this sweatshirt.”

“Give it to me,” Sakamoto said, putting down his ramen.

“Huh? Why?”

“I know how to get that kind of stain out.” Given how much ramen Sakamoto ate, that wasn’t really a surprise. “But we need to do it immediately.”

“You mean you want me to give you my sweatshirt right now?” Shin asked, feeling sweat starting to bead on the back of his neck when Sakamoto nodded and held out his hand. “It's… Umm… It’s fine.”

“Let me help.”

“No, it’s fine,” Shin said, laughing to try and distract from the way his voice was shaking. “I was being dramatic.”

Sakamoto didn’t look convinced, but he dropped his hand and picked the cup noodles back up, still watching Shin closely. He was giving Shin the look he used when he was waiting for the other person to continue.

But Shin didn’t say anything else so, after a little more staring, Sakamoto went back to his food. At least this time he seemed to be eating more carefully.

Shin was starting to think he’d need to send someone in after Lu when she finally emerged from the restroom.

“Shin,” she exclaimed, her voice just a little too loud.

“About time. We’re going to get left behind.”

Hana had wanted to go to the zoo and, so, of course Sakamoto had obliged. When Aoi invited Lu and Shin to join them, Shin took it upon himself to make up for failing so miserably to protect the Sakamoto family at the amusement park. This time, he was definitely going to give Sakamoto and his family a relaxing day together, no matter what.

“Shin, this is important.”

Shin turned and was instantly on edge when he saw how upset Lu looked. 

“What wrong?”

“My pants have a huge rip in them,” Lu said, mortified. “In the back.”

Shin suppressed a smile, knowing he shouldn’t laugh even if he wanted to. He needed to be nice since Lu looked pretty upset. And if she got upset with him, that would definitely ruin this trip for Hana.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“It is,” Lu said. “Shin, give me your jacket.”

“What? My jacket?”

“I’ll tie it around my waist to hide the tear,” she explained.

“What are you talking about? Let’s just go to the gift shop. They’ll have something there.”

“The gift shop is on the other side of the park. How am I supposed to get there?”

“You can wait here and I’ll go get something for you.”

“What about the Sakamotos?” Lu was getting more and more annoyed, not that he blamed her. “Just let me borrow your jacket. I’ll give it back later.”

Shin’s mind was racing, trying to find a solution or excuse to keep him from giving over his jacket. He knew this must seem unreasonable to Lu. It was unreasonable. He just needed to take off his jacket and be done with it.

But he was only wearing a tank-top today and the thought of going without his jacket made him feel a little sick.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” he said again, not sure what he hoped to get out of repeating the same failed excuse.

“It is,” she hissed. “Come on, Shin.”

“Umm…”

He should just give her the jacket. It wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal. He would be fine.

“Shin-kun, Lu-chan, we thought we lost you.” Aoi appeared with Hana and Sakamoto in tow. “Is everything alright?”

“Sorry, Aoi-san,” Shin said. “Lu just needed— Well… I should go to the gift shop for her…”

“Huh?” Aoi tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“I got a tear in my pants,” Lu said, sounding simultaneously embarassed and annoyed. “I think they got caught on something earlier.”

“Oh no, that’s awful.” Aoi opened her bag and, after a little bit of searching, pulled out a sewing kit. “There we are. Lu-chan, let’s go back into the bathroom and I’ll fix them for you.”

“Thank you, Aoi-san.” Lu looked relieved.

“We’ll be a few minutes,” Aoi said before her and Lu left, leaving Shin to wonder what the hell was wrong with him.

It was another hot summer day and Shin immediately knew why Aoi was looking at him like he’d grown a second head.

“Shin-kun, aren’t you hot? I know it’s air conditioned in here, but I’m worried you’re going to overheat just from walking down the stairs.”

Shin was wearing his usual outfit of a jacket layered over a tank top so it was hardly surprising that Aoi would be questioning it. Especially since it was unusually hot, even for Tokyo in August. 

“I’m alright, Aoi-san,” Shin replied with a smile. “I run cold.”

Judging from the look Aoi was giving him, Shin hadn’t fooled her at all. Shin was usually a pretty decent liar, but it was always hard to lie to Aoi. It was like he knew it was wrong and because of that, his skill disappeared.

“Shin-kun, you’re an adult, so I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you know lying is against the rules.”

“I really am comfortable like this.” At least that wasn’t a lie. “I just… I like wearing long-sleeves.”

“If you’re sure.”

Shin turned away from Aoi, taking his time putting on his apron so that he didn’t have to look at her.

“I’m sure.”

The was a long stretch of silence and Shin wondered if Aoi was going to refuse to drop it, but after what felt like an eternity, she sighed and he felt himself relax.

“Just promise me you’ll drink a lot of water.”

“Okay.” Shin turned to smile at Aoi. “I promise.”

Of course the day Shin offered to take Hana to the park, a downpour started out of nowhere. Neither of them had an umbrella, so they’d found cover at a bus stop as they waited for the rain to stop or at least lighten enough that it wouldn’t be crazy to walk home without umbrellas.

The weather had been pleasant and warm when they left, so he hadn’t given a second thought to Hana’s outfit. He should’ve insisted she wear a jacket when they left, but he hadn’t thought about it. He was wearing a jacket, but he had an awful sense of temperature, so he usually just assumed that other people knew better than him. But when it started raining, the temperature had dropped considerably and Hana was shivering slightly.

“Sorry that I didn’t bring us an umbrella,” Shin said.

“It’s okay,” Hana responded, which was about what Shin expected. “Is someone coming to pick us up?”

“Yeah. Aoi-san said she was driving over. It’ll be a little bit, though.”

He watched her, knowing he needed to do something. Despite always saying he ran cold, Shin could handle most temperatures without much difficult, so going for a little without a jacket would hardly be uncomfortable. But he wasn’t wearing long sleeves under his jacket and he knew what would happen. It was always kids who noticed. It was always kids who asked. And even if Hana didn’t ask, he’d be able to hear what she thought and that would probably be worse.

But she was shivering. She looked so cold and he could help her. He needed to help her.

“Here,” Shin said, taking off his jacket. “You’re turning blue.”

“I’m okay,” Hana said, but Shin simply put it around her shoulders. “Shin-kun, you’ll be cold.”

“I’m fine,” he said with a smile. “I’m not even that cold. And I’m bigger than you. It’ll take longer for me to get cold.”

Hana was quiet for a little before pulling the jacket tighter around her.

“Thanks.” She glanced at Shin and he could sense the question before it even formed. “Shin-kun, what happened? Does is hurt?”

Shin looked down at his arms, his life on the streets as well as his time as an assassin carved into his skin as numerous scars. Many of them had faded considerably, but there were still plenty that had hardly faded at all. And there were a handful that still looked as bad as when he got them and he guessed those were the ones she was asking about.

“They don’t hurt anymore,” Shin assured her. “They’re old injuries.”

“How’d you get so many?”

“I… I was bad at my old job,” he told her.

“You were bad at your old job?”

“Yeah. I used to work with your dad before you were born. He doesn’t have scars because he was good at his job. But I… I wasn’t.”

“Sakamoto-san, it’s fine.”

Shin was 14 and had, again, barely made it though their last assignment. Sakamoto had ended up saving him and he’d still gotten a nasty cut on his forearm. It wasn’t that bad, but Sakamoto was still fussing over it like Shin was on death’s door.

“It could get infected,” Sakamoto told him.

“It’s not bad enough for that. I can take care of it when I get home.”

“If you wait too long, it’s more likely to scar.”

“I scar easily. I don’t think there’s any helping it.”

It wasn’t like he didn’t have scars already. He had a burn scar on the bottom of his foot from when he was little and had stepped on a heating vent. Asakura had taken care of it right away, but it still left a nasty scar that had barely faded. There was a scar on his arm from when a cat scratched him. It hadn’t even been that bad, but it had still somehow scarred. And, of course, he had plenty of small scars on his hands and arms that came from his life after leaving the lab.

“The better the assassin, the less scars.”

Sakamoto himself had plenty of scars on his hands, though those were small and faded. Shin guessed that hands probably didn’t count since just about And other than his hands, Sakamoto didn’t seem to have any major scars. Shin didn’t make a habit of looking at Sakamoto shirtless, but the few times he had, he hadn’t noticed any scars.

“Fine, I get it,” Shin said as Sakamoto finished bandaging his arm. “I’ll try harder.”

“That’s not…”

Sakamoto seemed at a loss for what to say. He stood slowly and turned so Shin couldn’t see his expression. Shin wanted desperately to be able to see his face because despite Sakamoto being hard to read, Shin thought he was starting to get the hang of it when they were face-to-face. When Sakamoto wasn’t looking at him, though, what little skill Shin had went out the window. 

“Sakamoto-san?”

“Just… be more careful.”

Sakamoto quickly cleaned up the first aid kit, the conversation obviously over, leaving Shin to wonder if he really could be as good as Sakamoto someday.

“Did they hurt when you got them?”

“No,” Shin said even though that was a lie for at least some of the scars. Probably the majority. “They didn’t hurt at all.”

“Even the red ones?” Hana asked, unconvinced.

“Yep, even the red ones.”

“And you’re sure they don’t hurt now?”

“Yes, Hana-chan,” Shin said with a laugh. “They’re all old scars. You know what scars are, right?”

“Scars… Oh, yeah!” Hana leaned over and rolled up her pant leg, pointing out a big, faded scar just below her knee. “I got this when I was little.”

“When you were little?” Shin smiled. “I’d say you’re still pretty little.”

“When I was littler,” Hana huffed, rolling her pant leg down and pulling Shin’s jacket closer around her shoulders. “It got it when I fell down at the park and my dad carried me all the way home even though I was okay.”

Shin chuckled. That sounded like ‘Papa Sakamoto’ alright.

“He kept saying it would get in-fec-ted or that I’d get a scar.” Hana giggled. “Mom told him to stop worrying. She said it wouldn’t get in-fec-ted and that a scar was fine.”

As if on cue, Aoi arrived, calling to them from a rolled down window. 

“Come on you two, get in.”

“Ready to get a little more wet?” Shin asked and Hana laughed, both of them running to the car.

Once Shin was sure Hana was in the backseat, he ran around to the passenger's side and got in, swallowing down the growing anxiety over his bare arms. But he wasn’t about to ask for his jacket back just because they were in the car. That would be absurd.

He really wanted to ask for his jacket back. 

“Thank you, Aoi-san,” Shin said, not able to look at her. “Sorry I didn’t check the weather.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Shin-kun,” Aoi said. “It happens. I’m just glad you called.”

They drove in silence, Shin staring out the window in an effort not to look at Aoi. And to keep out of her thoughts. He just needed to make it home and that would have been pretty easy except, about halfway back, they got stuck in traffic.

“Shin-kun,” Aoi said, her tone light and quiet, probably so that she wouldn’t wake up Hana, who’d fallen asleep almost as soon as she was buckled in. “Do you want me to ask about it?”

“Huh? Oh. I…” What was he supposed to say? “Hana was cold and didn’t have a jacket…”

“That’s not really what I mean.”

“Yeah…” He knew that wasn’t what she meant. They both knew he that wasn’t what she meant. 

“All I’m saying is that you always wear long sleeves, even in the summer. You should do whatever makes you comfortable, but I want you to know that none of us care either way.”

“I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.”

“Shin-kun, if that’s you’re only reason, you shouldn’t worry. They’re just scars. Other people need to learn to deal with it. I have stretch marks from when I was pregnant, but that’s not going to stop me from going to the onsen.” Out of the corner of his eye, Shin saw Aoi glance at him, but he couldn’t make himself look at her. “It’s up to you, really. If you’re uncomfortable, then nobody is going to force you. But it should be what you want to do for yourself, not what you think other people want.”

Shin wasn’t sure what to say, his mind swirling with questions and concerns that he wasn’t sure how to voice.

Honestly? He didn’t care about what strangers thought. Strangers loved to judge people based on even the tiniest bits of information. He didn’t need strangers to like him. Besides, he’d heard just about everything in the thoughts of strangers that a person could imagine. Strangers couldn’t hurt him. Not anymore.

But then there were the people who came to the store. Again, strangers were one thing, but there were the regulars to think about. And even with strangers, he didn’t want to chance making them uncomfortable and having them stop coming. He knew Aoi would tell him not to worry about that, but he would never forgive himself if they lost business because of him. Still, he might be able to get past that. Or, at the very least, he could just wear long sleeves while he was working.

“Shin-kun, what are you afraid of?”

What was he afraid of? 

Shin hadn’t been sure how Hana would react since kids could be unpredictable. Even the kindest children could be unintentionally cruel, but honestly he hadn’t worried too much about her. And she’d accepted it. She’d only been upset because she seemed to be worried the scars might still hurt. 

Realistically, Aoi had been the least of his worries. She was so nice, so understanding, that he wasn’t all that surprised he was fine. But it had been scary because if Aoi had reacted badly, he wasn’t sure what he would’ve done. 

There were so many people in his life now who he wanted to like him. People he didn’t want to disgust or disappoint.

That was what he was afraid of. He as afraid of what everyone would think. He was afraid that Hana and Aoi would be scared. He was afraid that Lu would be disgusted. He was afraid Sakamoto would be disappointed.

“Shin-kun?”

“What if people don’t like me anymore?” He asked in a small voice.

“Shin-kun, anyone who doesn’t like you because you have scars isn’t worth your time.”

“What if…” Shin looked at his palms—they were just a scarred as the rest of him, with a particularly nasty scar from where he’d grabbed a knife to stop it from killing him—and tried to keep his voice steady. “What if it’s someone I care about?”

Aoi was quiet, but after a few moments, she pulled onto the shoulder and parked the car. Shin looked up, uncertain why she’d done that.

“Aoi-san…?”

She reached out and covered one of his hands with hers. Her hands were smooth and unmarked. They were the hands of someone who’d lived a life so much different from his. They were the hands of someone who hadn’t thrown themselves headfirst into danger at every turn. They were the hands of someone who cared about more than just surviving. They were the hands of someone who loved living.

“Shin-kun. No one will stop liking you because of your scars. I promise.” She used her other hands to pat him on the head. “Who are you worried about? Hana-chan’s seen them and she was fine. I’m sure Lu-chan won’t care.”

“Yeah…” Shin agreed, looking back down at his lap because both of them knew who was still missing from the list.

“Shin-kun, why would Taro-san dislike you?”

“He– He told me only bad assassins have scars.”

“Do you want to be a good assassin?”

“Not anymore. But…” But he didn’t want Sakamoto to think he’d been a bad assassin. He didn’t want Sakamoto to be glad he left.

“Shin-kun, look at me.” He obliged and Aoi pinned him with a firm but warm look while holding up her her free hand, pinky extended. 

Shin wasn’t sure. He knew Aoi would never lie to him and that she knew Sakamoto better than anyone, but he was…

“Taro-san won’t stop liking you. I pinky promise.”

Terrified.

“I’m not saying you have to do anything, I just want you to know you don’t have to worry,” Aoi said. “If you want, I’ll never mention your scars again. It’s up to you. All I’m asking is for you to believe me when I say we all love you, no matter what.”

“Okay,” Shin finally said, reaching out to lock pinkies. “I believe you.”

“Great.” She smiled and, after waiting for an opening, pulled back into traffic while Shin was left to consider what she’d said and decide if he was really ready to believe her.

“I’m back,” Shin said when he walked into the store.

After getting back, Shin, Aoi, and Hana had gone upstairs to get changed into dry clothes. Aoi was the one who’d been working with Lu while Sakamoto ran errands, but he’d offered to take her place. Hana was still half asleep and he assumed Aoi would want to wait until Hana woke up to make sure she was totally dry.

“I can’t believe you got caught in the rain,” Lu said, not even bothering to greet him.

“You have awful manners,” Shin shot back. “I came to help since Aoi is upstairs, but I guess I’ll just leave.”

“Wait, no, I don’t want to restock by myself,” she complained, finally appearing with a half empty box of chips.

Shin did his best not to look away from Lu as she stared at him, her mind blank for a long stretch before a small, strange thought bubbled up.

Shin should stop getting into so many fights.

In spite of his anxiety, Shin laughed at that thought. It seemed like such a strange reaction and was definitely not what he’d been expecting.

“Hey!” Lu exclaimed, seeming to realize why he was laughing. “Don’t laugh!”

“Idiot,” he said through his laughter.

She continued shouting at him and he continued laughing, the tension in his body bleeding away and being replaced with a warmth he still wasn’t used to, but liked none-the-less.

As the time crawled forward, Shin felt his anxiety mounting. By the time Lu was getting ready to leave for the day, he felt a little like he was going to be sick.

Sakamoto has been out all day running errands, but he's be back soon to take over for Lu until close.

“Shin.”

Shin looked up and saw Lu was at the counter, holding out her sweatshirt.

“If you need it.”

He blinked at her before realizing what she meant.

“Thank you,” he said, taking it from her holding his tightly against his chest. 

She smiled and nodded, leaving him to consider what he wanted to do.

Could he really face Sakamoto, the person he was so afraid of disappointing? It had been easy to decide he cared more about Hana being warm than her judgment. It had been easy to get in the car without his jacket because what other choice did he have? With Aoi’s words and Hana’s lack of judgment, it had been easy to convince him Lu would be fine. But he was finding it hard to convince himself of the same thing for Sakamoto. 

Part of him knew this was irrational. He knew Aoi was right. He knew that the chances of Sakamoto caring were low. Even if he would’ve judged Shin as an assassin, why did it matter? Sakamoto wasn’t an assassin anymore and neither was Shin. It didn’t matter. It didn’t.

The doors slid open and without thinking, Shin put on Lu’s sweatshirt. Luckily she usually wore sweatshirts that were too big for her, so it fit him well enough.

“Welcome back,” Shin greeted, earning him a nod from Sakamoto. “Did you get everything?”

“Yes.” Sakamoto set down the boxes he was carrying before looking at Shin for a long, quiet moment. “You and Hana got caught in the rain?”

“Yeah. Aoi-san came and picked us up.” The tops of Sakamoto’s shoulders were wet, but other than that his clothes were dry, so it didn’t seem like he’d been caught in the rain. “You were fine?”

“I had an umbrella.”

“Ah, you must have checked the weather. I should’ve done that.”

“I always have an umbrella.”

That seems surprisingly forward thinking for Sakamoto, but Shin guessed there were still things for him to learn about the ‘new’ Sakamoto.

“Aoi is the one who told me carry one,” Sakamoto explained like he knew what Shin was thinking. “She didn’t like that I always ended up soaked. She was worried I’d get sick.”

“I should have guessed,” Shin said with a smirk. “Oh, Hana-chan fell asleep, so Aoi is still upstairs.”

Sakamoto nodded and Shin didn’t know what else to say. He wanted to fill the silence, feeling like Sakamoto was going to realize something was off if he didn’t. After all, didn’t Shin always fill the silences between them? It would be weird if he didn’t, right? 

And Sakamoto was looking at him like he knew something was wrong. He was pinning Shin with that look that meant he was waiting for Shin to continue. 

But his mouth was dry and his palms were damp and he felt like he was having trouble getting enough oxygen. 

“I called Aoi to ask if we needed milk.” Sakamoto turned his back to Shin as he pick up some of the boxes he’d just set down. “She started to ask me about when we worked together, but then stopped. Why did she sound so worried?”

It made sense that Aoi would want to interrogate Sakamoto, to find out what had happened between them. Shin wasn’t sure how much she really knew about their time working together, but it didn’t seem like Sakamoto had told her much. He was sure she was burning to ask Sakamoto a million questions about how Sakamoto ended up working with a teenager. And now that she’d seen his scars and heard his worries, he was sure she wanted to ask how in the world he’d ended up like this.

But she must have realized there was no way to ask without giving everything away. He was sure she was still worried about him. He was good at making her worry. 

“I…” What should he say? What could he say? “Well…”

Sakamoto walked away and Shin heard him putting the boxes down before he returned to the counter to look at Shin with that look he was coming to hate. Not only did he hate the feeling he might disappoint Sakamoto if he didn’t respond, but it was also a look he’d never had as an assassin. It was a look he’d developed since he retired and Shin couldn’t help but resent it’s implications.

Shin broke eye contact, clutching at his arm a little too hard in an attempt to stop his hands from shaking. 

“When we were assassins, you told me—” He stopped again because he truly didn’t know what to say or how to say it. When he tried to put it into words, it all sounded so stupid.

He closed his eyes, becoming aware of how uneven his breathing had gotten. He needed to do something about it. He need to calm down. He took a deep, shuttering breath, but it didn’t help all that much.

“Shin.”

Sakamoto’s hand on his wrist surprised Shin into opening his eyes. Sakamoto tugged on Shin’s hand, forcing him to let go of his arm.

“You’re going to hurt yourself.” 

“Sorry…” He said, almost to himself.  

He looked at the hand that Sakamoto had around the wrist. It was the hand that had an ugly scar across the palm. The one he was lucky hadn’t been hurt worse than it was.

“Shin.” As always, Sakamoto’s voice surprised him. “What’s wrong?” 

He took a moment to close his eyes, this time imagining Lu smiling after giving him her sweatshirt. He imagined Aoi’s hand covering his while she patted his head. He imagined Hana rolling up her pant leg to show him her own scar. 

He let out the breath he was holding and opened his eyes, reaching up to unzip Lu’s sweatshirt, Sakamoto’s hand falling away. 

“I… umm… I don’t really like short-sleeves because… Well, yeah.” He still couldn’t find the words, but he took off Lu’s sweatshirt, looking away as he did. “I guess I was worried about scaring Aoi-san or Hana-chan, but they were fine. And I guess I thought I might shock Lu and maybe she was a little shocked, but not in a bad way. And I wouldn’t want to make any customers uncomfortable even if Aoi-san said not to worry about that…” He laughed humorlessly. “It’s stupid. But when we were assassins you told me that bad assassins have scars and I guess… It’s stupid.”

“Oh.” Shin looked up and saw a dawning realization on Sakamoto’s face. A realization that was mixed with worry. “Shin, I’m sorry.” 

Now Sakamoto seemed lost for words so, after a few unsuccessful attempts, he went back to thinking. 

“I didn’t mean that. I said it because I was worried.”

“Because you were worried?”

“I was lying. I’m sorry. You were always getting hurt and you didn’t seem to care. I didn’t know what else to say.” Sakamoto sighed. “I did the same to Aoi and Hana. It wasn’t until Hana got hurt that Aoi realized why I was so worried about them getting scars.” 

Shin blinked at Sakamoto, the adrenaline that had been making him jittery seeping away and leaving him cold and a little exhausted. Too exhausted to really understand what Sakamoto was saying.

“But, I mean, you didn’t have scars. And that guy you know—Nagumo. He didn’t have scars either.” 

Sakamoto snorted. “Nagumo has scars. He just covers them with makeup or whatever.”

“But you–”

“Shin,” Sakmaoto interrupted, “I got injured all the time. I just don’t scar easily. You said you scar easily. I don’t.” Sakamoto paused for a moment before adding. “And you don’t take care of yourself.”

Shin looked away again, wondering if Sakamoto was just saying this to make him feel better. 

“You… you really don’t… You’re not disappointed?”

Sakamoto leaned across the counter and pulled Shin into a hug, a quiet thought floating to the surface that Shin didn’t think he was meant to hear.

I’m disappointed in myself. 

After he got over his surprise, Shin returned the hug. The hug was warm–almost hot–but it was nice. He couldn’t remember the last time he hugged someone, but it had been a long time. He’d forgotten how nice a hug could feel. How warm it could be after all that time in the cold.

“I’m just glad you survived,” Sakamoto said as they broke apart.

“What do you mean?”

“That’s what scars are, aren’t they?” Sakamoto said, smiling. “Proof that you survived.”