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There were many times Truthless Recluse thought about ending it all.
On some days, he stood on the edge of the Peak of Truth, ready to shatter his souljam then and there.
It's a poor habit he's developed. Even in his past life did he neglect himself like this, and suppress all these thoughts, falling into a vicious trap. Now that he has no friends to stop him, he's free to act upon his thoughts.
If he went through with it, maybe then he'd feel free from all of the shackles of life. All of his pain and guilt of the past would be taken away from him immediately if he could just commit. No more would he have to think about his failures or mistakes. Just the sweet, everlasting darkness of crumbling.
But he could never commit. The Recluse would always doubt himself.
If he did crumble, who would be there to conceal what truly lies at the Peak of Truth?
All that was really keeping him alive was the sole job he had put upon himself. The worst thing he could do was screw up again and disappoint more people.
Things have improved a bit ever since he met Blueberry Milk Cookie.
The Recluse has found a bit more meaning in his life. Now, he actually has someone who cares about him, who keeps him going.
While Blueberry Milk has always advocated for no secrets between the two now that they're in a relationship together, he's never told him about these thoughts he's had. His various attempts at shattering his souljam.
Until recently.
----
Blueberry Milk had come in late for their tea party due to his lecture going on for much longer than usual. He got asked a really complicated question and had to spend an extra hour rambling on about it.
At least that's what the Recluse thinks he said.
His mind has been wandering, thinking about their relationship.
The Recluse does not deserve someone like Blueberry Milk. Or, at least, that's what he's come to believe.
No matter how much Blueberry Milk tells him he loves him, reassures him, cuddles with him, kisses him, a small voice in his head tells him that he doesn't deserve to be loved. That it should be his past friends who finally found peace instead of him.
They've struggled more than him, haven't they?
Golden Cheese, Hollyberry, and Dark Cacao all fell to ruin at the hands of Dark Enchantress, White Lily practically shattered in half, and what happened to Pure Vanilla?
He transformed into a monster of his own making.
He shouldn't get this happy ending.
"Helloooo? Earthbread to Cluesy?" Blueberry Milk waves his hand in front of the Recluse's staff. "Heh, that's what Black Sapphire does to me when I zone out."
"I.. Apologize.." The Recluse realizes how cold his tea has gotten, and how dark it is now. Blueberry Milk has only stayed this long a few times before.
"Why are you still here?" The Recluse asks.
"What? Can't I just visit my boyfriend?" Blueberry Milk giggles at the word.
Witches, how childish the all knowing Sage can be at points.
To be fair, this is his first relationship and he enjoys teasing the Recluse.
What has the Recluse ever done for Blueberry Milk? Sit in silence and stare at him as he talks?
He's a horrible boyfriend.
"Are you ok, Cluesy? You seem like something is on your mind."
"I.." The Recluse stumbles. Is he really going to worry his boyfriend with silly little issues like his mental health? He fidgets with the worn bandages that cover his arms.
He stays silent.
"You know what?" Blueberry Milk floats up out of his chair. "I'm staying the night with you."
"..Fine." The Recluse states. "You have to clean the kitchen, though."
Blueberry Milk sighs. "Alright, my dear Cluesy.."
It's not really that big of a task as all that needs to be put away are their teacups and kettle, but the Recluse just needs a some time to himself.
He heads up to his bedroom, and shuts the door.
The Recluse takes a seat on his bed, and pulls out his souljam from under his many layers of robes. He absolutely hates looking at it, so he keeps it hidden away. All it serves for is a reminder for why he's still here. Why he still has to live with this guilt.
His grip tightens around his souljam. It's incredibly cold.
Thoughts swirl around his head. He doesn't deserve this. It should've been someone else. It should've been his friends who got this ending. Isn't he the source of their pain, after all? Because he couldn't protect them?
Blueberry Milk deserves better.
He deserves someone who actually has the decency to uphold a conversation with him instead of zoning out and thinking about themselves. He deserves someone who can actually protect him and not just run away at the thought of danger.
He doesn't deserve it. The Recluse doesn't deserve it.
A few tears fall as he prepares to shatter his souljam.
Suddenly, the door opens.
"Ooohhhh Cluesy!-" Blueberry Milk shuts up when he sees what the Recluse is trying to do. He gasps in shock.
"What are you..?"
That's it. His secret is out.
----
Blueberry Milk wouldn't leave the Peak for a while after that.
How was he supposed to? His beloved had been hiding his true emotions from him for quite sometime now, and he needs to make sure that he's in a safe place before he can truly go back to the village.
To ensure Candy Apple and Black Sapphire don't worry, he sent them a letter via blueberry bird mail.
In the meantime, Blueberry Milk has been constantly by the Recluse's side, caring for him. He'll grab whatever he needs out of his other realm, even if he doesn't need much.
A strong sense of guilt washes over the Recluse when he thinks about what Blueberry Milk caught him trying to do. It wasn't his intent to make him worry. That's the last thing he wanted to do.
But, he pretty much failed at that.
Blueberry Milk has had a constant eye on him, always making sure he's alright.
The Recluse may hate it, but at least someone cares.
As of right now, the two lie in bed together. The moon gently illuminate the room as Blueberry Milk cuddles up against the Recluse, not daring to let go. He grips onto the jam-stained bandages that cover his arms, a reminder of what he once tried to do.
The Recluse hugs him back, softly stroking his starry blue hair. Gosh, is he beautiful.
Blueberry Milk says in a tired voice. "Please be honest with me, Cluesy... I love you a lot.." He says before drifting off to sleep.
The Recluse is taken back through his memories at that statement.
----
"Please be honest with me, White Lily Cookie. I.." Pure Vanilla struggles to get the words out.
"I'm sorry, Pure Vanilla Cookie. I can't.. I have to go do this. You can't stop me." White Lily replies.
"When you come back.. Will you.. Will you tell me what you find?"
White Lily stares off into the distance. "Can you handle the truth I may find?"
"Of course, White Lily Cookie! I know all! I hold the souljam of knowledge after all!" Pure Vanilla proudly states.
"Then why can't you give me an answer?" White Lily questions, before walking off.
As she fades out of view, Pure Vanilla softly mutters, "Why couldn't I tell you the truth..? I love you, White Lily.."
----
Those were the last words he ever heard from White Lily.
Maybe the unhappy ending the two got was deserved. Lies tear apart relationships after all, and the two could never face the truth together.
The Recluse hopes that he won't make the same mistake again.
Never again.