Chapter Text
I
When it comes to emotions, Shane Hollander is, if not a closed book, a stuck cabinet door. He holds tight to his emotions as part of his deep need for control. Additionally, Shane’s autism could potentially include hypoexpression, which “refers to the reduced, insufficient, or less-than-normal amount of expression”, In other words, flat affect. From Autism Parenting Magazine-”This can include: limited facial expressions, a monotone voice, and limited or no eye contact”. We see these behaviors in Shane throughout the show, most heartbreakingly when he cannot look at his mother as he apologizes to her for being gay.
Shane was described by his creator Rachel Reid as “barely noticing his own feelings”. It isn’t that he is unaware of how he feels-he just needs more time to sit with and understand his emotions. From reframingautism.org.au - “ Emotional processing time often takes longer in Autistic people as there can be more sensory information to process. The Autistic brain isn’t always able to filter out as much unnecessary sensory input as non-autistic brains can. This can make emotional responses seem delayed. If you are non-autistic, try to imagine what it would be like if you couldn’t make the sensory processing you take for granted an automatic process.” Imagine a boxer who is consistently a second too late to keep their opponent’s hits from connecting. Now imagine feeling a torrent of emotions, coming at you all at once, like hits from an opponent. It would be overwhelming for anyone, let alone someone who is already disposed to slower processing of emotion. Shane is by no means an unfeeling man. He feels deeply, and the acting by Hudson Williams portrays it beautifully- the gentle but lovestruck smile in the stairwell, the threat of overflowing tears in the Vegas bathroom and when he asks Ilya not to marry Svetlana, the waver in his voice as he tries to excuse leaving Ilya’s after the tuna melt. Shane’s emotions are rarely verbalized. They live in his eyes and in microexpressions…but they are there if one is looking close enough.
It is significant to Shane’s characterization that during the prologue to “Heated Rivalry”, the emotions that we are given to associate with him are negative, and directed towards himself. He is disappointed in himself for losing a game (to his rival/lover’s team), He’s disgusted at his weakness for Rozanov, and most painfully, he feels guilt and shame because of this relationship. The book does not make explicit why he feels this guilt and shame, but given context it’s not hard to infer that he feels guilty for hiding such a big part of himself from his family/friends, and shame for having, and needing, a sexual relationship with the man who is supposed to be his rival. And given that he later feels the need to tell his mother that he “couldn’t help” being gay, it can’t be discounted that this is also a source of shame for him.
Guilt and shame are complex emotions. Guilt can motivate us to right wrongs, to be better and do better. Shame doesn’t do this. Shame is insidious…it begins slowly, and eventually attaches itself to our insides like barbed wire. Shame tells us that there is something fundamentally wrong with who we are. Shame is more than a feeling-it has effects not just on the mind, but on the body as well. From the National Library of Medicine- “Shame anxiety appears in first‐person experience as a corrosive, undermining and persistent anxiety about being objectified, judged, labelled and rejected by others.” Shane’s isolation, his keeping the majority of his teammates at arm’s length, his taciturnity- all of this stems from anxiety brought on by shame, and the fear that his “imperfections” will be seen, judged, and he will ultimately be rejected. It has been alluded to that his constant drinking of ginger ale is because of stomach trouble- a common symptom of an anxiety disorder. Shane’s anxiety is more apparent in “The Long Game”, and in fact is a major source of conflict for Shane and Ilya. Heartbreakingly, Shane’s fears come true in the worst ways.
But before that happens, there is something else. Shane is given the space and the care that he needs to say out loud that he is gay. It’s not something to feel shame for, it is just who he is. And once Shane accepts this essential part of himself, there is a shift in how he presents to the world-specifically, how he presents to Ilya. There is a confidence to him that before only existed on the ice. “...something felt different now. Maybe it was because he had finally spoken aloud to someone about his…possible preference…Or maybe Shane just felt (more sure) of what he wanted now, after walking away from a relationship that had been almost perfect.”. (Heated Rivalry, pg. 189). The change in Shane is obvious enough that Ilya notices it immediately. “He looked relaxed and confident, like a man who had gotten his life together. Like a man who didn’t question himself anymore.”. (Heated Rivalry, pg. 190).
II
The back cover of “The Long Game” states that “Shane has gotten so good at hiding his feelings, sometimes Ilya wonders if they even exist.” The guilt and shame of “Heated Rivalry” may be gone, but now that Shane and Ilya are committed, the anxiety has ramped up to an unhealthy degree. Shane is a perfectionist, and he not only craves control, but needs it. His days are routine and he rarely deviates from his norm-this is a common autistic trait, but it also speaks to the need for order stemming from Shane’s perfectionism.
Now that the relationship is committed and real, Shane is terrified of being found out. Because of this, Shane has difficulty being outwardly affectionate to Ilya when they are around other people. Ilya never pushes past Shane’s boundaries, but would shout from the mountain tops that Shane is his and he loves him more than his own life. The “who loves who more” argument is tired, but it is also, for some, a chance to belittle just how much Shane loves Ilya. And, to mention it again, the author wrote him as a character who barely notices his own feelings. If he isn’t aware of his own, how can he be aware of Ilya’s? But Shane is aware, and he is willing to push himself to make Ilya feel better. He shows himself to not only be deeply sensitive to Ilya’s feelings, but quick to repair hurts that he has caused. Sometimes it’s shown in small ways, like at Fabian’s concert.
“He took a sideways step so his hip brushed against Ilya’s, then placed a hand on the small of his back. It wasn’t much, but Ilya’s whole body relaxed as he leaned back into the touch. He glanced down at Shane and gave him a small, grateful smile.” (The Long Game, pg. 61).
Ilya does not verbalize his need for touch at this moment. Shane reads it on his face, in profile. Something that for any other person would be a casual touch is monumental for Shane, because he has spent the past decade hiding his attraction to and eventual love for Ilya. The necessary habits of a decade do not disappear overnight, and in fact cannot be reversed without intentional and consistent effort.
Shane Hollander, as written, may be difficult to understand for those who have neurotypical responses to emotion, and who show them in ways deemed “normal”. Shane’s access to and expression of emotion has to be viewed through varied contexts. More than any textual clues, Shane and his emotions are brought to true life on the screen, where we can watch each microexpression flit across his face, where we can see his physical tells (thumb in pocket, standing posture), where we see the tears glistening on the waterline, but never falling. Shane is a character of few words, and if you want to understand him,..you can’t take your eyes off of him.