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Dennis rolled over. Again. For what was probably the hundredth time since he settled into bed an hour or two ago. He had work in the morning, he couldn’t be losing precious sleep hours like this. He flopped onto his back, letting out a big sigh and scrubbing at his eyes frustratedly until little white dots danced behind his lids.
The room was silent and dark, save for the radioactive glow of the smiski on his nightstand, a present from Trinity for his graduation. It reads its little book peacefully, hanging off the edge of his lamp’s stand. Sometimes he would knock it over when he turns the light off, but he’s always made sure to pick it right back up— he wouldn’t like it if someone left him laying there without help.
He debated scrolling on his phone; maybe some dumb tiktoks about how cold the weather’s been or a clip of some pretty decent comedian’s stand up set would lull him into a probably fitful slumber. In the end, he did his best to resist fishing his phone out from under his pillow because he knew the truth: it would only prolong his much needed and desired sleep.
His mind wouldn’t stop running, thinking about cases from that day, patients he interacted with, conversations with his coworkers. But honestly, he knew the real reason behind his insomnia: Robby.
It’d been a little over two weeks since the man had left on his sabbatical, journeying across the country with just his motorcycle and a single duffle bag. He wasn’t a man of many needs, so that was plenty of room for everything he wanted to bring. Except there wasn’t enough room for Dennis.
He had wanted to beg Robby to let him come with, but ultimately he kept his mouth shut. He was barely surviving the seven week itch, scraping through the eighth week by the skin of his teeth right before the attending had left. What if things didn’t work out and then they were on a cross-country road trip for three months together? Besides, Dennis needed all the money he could get from his new paid internship position.
Robby had given him a spare key, asked him to check on the house every once in a while in case something crazy happened like a pipe bursting or a fire. Dennis had already stopped by once, unable to resist flopping face first onto Robby’s bed, breathing in the smell of the man that still lingered. If he teared up a little, curled around a sweatshirt Robby had conspicuously laid across the sheets so nicely like a presentation, no one had to know.
Dennis was wrapped up in it now, a dark blue University of Pitt hoodie that was probably older than himself, worn and well lived in. It was so comfy paired with a pair of boxers and socks to sleep, the scent of Robby still hanging in the front of the collar where Dennis liked to stick his nose.
He sighed thinking about Robby. Maybe it was silly and clingy, but he missed him so much. Things had been going so well, as expected in the honeymoon phase, but Dennis wanted to do whatever he could to prolong that period before Robby started to flake. He figured it would come sooner or later despite his gut feeling that maybe something was different between them. Maybe that gut feeling was something devilish and tricky, though; something called hope.
The thoughts consumed his brain as Dennis thought about Robby’s hands, on his shoulders, on his neck, on his hips. He thought about their thighs brushing against each other as Dennis straddled him while they made out, thought about feeling Robby’s slow, deep breaths against his back the first time he slept over, the tv dancing colorful lights across the corners of the rooms, Dennis surprised that Robby had turned to spoon him immediately.
His chest hurt with the way it was being tugged. Tugged in a direction he wasn’t even sure, over state lines, over country lines, to some place he’d never even heard of before a few weeks ago. He had thought Robby was making shit up as he sat on his bed criss-cross, freshly showered in a borrowed t-shirt and boxers, watching as Robby folded and packed a few simple outfits and toiletries.
The man was telling Dennis all about his trip, how peaceful the reserve looked, how nice the wind on the open road would feel through his hair, (“Through your helmet,” he’d corrected with a raised eyebrow. He only received a laugh in response.) how freeing the concept of just him and his bike sounded.
Dennis wanted to be happy for him, he really did. He saw how much Robby had been struggling since the hell shift that was his first day. He wasn’t dealing with it, wasn’t facing it. Dennis was surprised that even Trinity was handling it better than him, at least she tried to see the provided grief counselor a few times. Apparently, Robby had tried some therapists, too, but for whatever reasons he wouldn’t disclose, they didn’t work out.
Dennis was patient, he could wait. Wait for Robby to get better, wait for him to heal. But he did feel a little useless watching Robby pack a bag to leave for a couple months so early into their relationship. He couldn’t help but pout just a little bit.
Robby had noticed, a fond smile gracing his features as he leaned in to kiss it away.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be here when I get back.” It was a statement, not an ask for confirmation.
“Will you?” Dennis replied, peering at the man through his lashes.
“Will I what?”
“‘Get back?’”
Robby only chuckled slightly, leaning in to capture Dennis’s lips once again, this time letting his tongue curl into the younger man’s mouth. Dennis looped his arms around Robby’s neck as he was leant back, sighing into the kiss as he started to get carried away, the feeling of Robby’s fingertips dancing under the hem of his boxer legs, tickling the skin there.
Dennis sighed at the memory, his brain wracking for a happier one as he knew worrying now would only make the debacle of his inability to sleep worse. He flipped through his Robby catalog like a rolodex, finally landing on the celebratory memory of when the older man paid for them and Trinity’s dinner after Dennis’s graduation.
He had gladly ran straight into Robby’s arms as soon as the graduates were set free. His suit that he borrowed from Princess’s brother made him feel good for once, rather than awkward and small like other hand-me-downs would in the past. Trinity was dressed nicely as well, even doing her makeup for the occasion, and Robby was in a button down and slacks of his own. They looked like a couple of sophisticated adults— a group of doctors.
Robby drove them to a nice-ish restaurant, Dennis begging to go somewhere cheaper, lamenting how he’d be fine just to get Wendy’s and eat it in the car, but the attending insisted.
The roommates had both thanked him a couple times, even if Trinity didn’t try to hide how stoked she was to be copping a good free meal. They had all talked steadily, laughter overtaking their little round table at some actually funny dad joke Robby made before Dennis and Trinity teased him about needing his glasses and the flashlight on his phone to read the menu. The food was good, the drinks were excellent, and Dennis watched from the passenger seat of Robby’s truck as Trinity stumbled into their apartment building at the end of the night.
Dennis continued to have a most special night as Robby peeled his suit off, kissing every inch of his body, sprawled out on the man’s semi-expensive bed spread. The claw marks he left on the attending’s back were angry and red and raised through the next day, Robby complaining that they rubbed against his scrub shirt.
The memory did the trick of leaving Dennis in a better mood as he sank into his pillow, but he still couldn’t shake the want for it to be Robby’s pillow. The one that seemed to stay perfectly fluffed and cool all night long.
His chest tugged one last time, the red string that was wound around heart pulled suffocatingly tighter, and before Dennis knew it, his hand was shoved under his pillow, feeling around for the weighty mass that was his phone.
He squinted at the bright screen, the fully lowered brightness not making much of a difference in the pitch black of his room. His fingers worked like they had their own brain, making quick work of locating through his texts to his thread with Robby, clicking even farther into the info until his thumb hovered over the call button.
He hesitated, sure the man wasn’t up for talking on his solo healing retreat away from his coworkers, his friends, his boyfriend. But maybe Dennis was allowed to be a little selfish about their relationship sometimes.
The dial tone was loud in Dennis’s ear, even when he turned it down low, it rattled around his head.
He felt like a clingy child. Maybe Robby would see it too. See their age gap, their knowledge gap, their wealth gap, all of it. See how much farther in life he was, how Dennis would only be pulling him into the past, not the present or the future.
He was about to hang up when the ringing stopped, Robby’s low voice breaking over the line.
“Dennis?”
“Hi.” It was a dumb reply, but he wasn’t expecting the attending to answer, honestly.
“Hi. Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, I hope I didn’t interrupt anything, or wake you.”
“No, it’s ok, I’m still two hours behind. I was just getting ready for bed actually. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“You sure everything is ok?” He questioned once more, his pressing facial expression vividly clear in Dennis’s mind.
He stayed silent for a few moments, his breath sounding louder than the city noise outside the window— significantly so.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Baby.
Robby wasn’t always one for pet names, happy to just call Dennis by his first name and accept that as intimate and special enough. However, every once in a while he’d sprinkle in something else, a baby or a honey or a sweetheart. Something warm and gooey that would make Dennis melt.
It always gave him what he wanted, whether that was honesty about something that was weighing heavily in Dennis’s mind, or a blowjob.
“I just miss you.” He spoke lowly, hoping Robby would give up and forget about it. Dennis wasn’t the lucky type.
“I miss you, too, Dennis.” The words were like the most beautiful hymn, echoing off the stained glass windows that poured rainbow colored sun onto Dennis’s bowed head.
“Really?” He let it fall stupidly from his mouth, unable to hold it in.
Robby chuckled and the warm sound made Dennis’s face heat up.
“Yes, really. It’s been nice— freeing. But I miss sleeping next to you.”
Dennis let his eyes slip closed, putting his phone on speaker so he could relax but still listen to Robby talk.
“Tell me more.” He instantly realized how vain it sounded, as if he was asking the man to tell him more of what he missed about him. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to know, but it wasn’t exactly what he meant in the first place. “About your trip. How did the drive go? See anything cool?”
“A lot of fields.” Robby laughed, the quality of his voice changing as he assumedly also put his phone on speaker. Dennis could hear the low hum of a fan in the background. He wondered what kind of place Robby was staying in. “The weather stayed nice thankfully. It’s never a good idea to drive a motorcycle in pouring rain.”
But you have. Dennis couldn’t help but think, remembering the day Robby walked into the Pitt soaking wet. He thought the man had walked like usual, forgetting his umbrella, but later he saw him pull out to leave on his shiny new motorcycle.
“I didn’t really stop for anything except to eat and sleep. Only took a few days to get here. The reserve is beautiful, so much nature and the people are so welcoming.”
“How long are you gonna stay?” It was the question that had been plaguing Dennis’s mind for days, weeks. Three months was a long time, especially when their relationship wasn’t even that old itself. Especially when Robby barely texts, and doesn’t call.
“Ah, well I was allotted three months, so…”
“Are you gonna stay there for that long?”
“Dennis…” Robby’s voice sounded pressed, like the idea of being pulled back was strangling him. Like the things tying him down back in Pittsburgh had a grip on his neck, lightly squeezing but ever present.
“Sorry, I know you deserve that time to yourself I just…” he debated what to say. Was he too clingy? Was it too much?
Maybe it was what the man needed, someone who wanted endlessly and incessantly. Someone who wasn’t afraid to tell Robby how much he missed and loved him. But what would Dennis know? It’s not like the man had shared what he’d been dealt in the past.
“I wish you were here. Even if it’s selfish.” He decided to take the leap, free falling, hurtling to the ground like an acrobat from a platform. The wind rustled his hair, the only sign he was moving and not just floating midair. That and the quickly approaching solid ground, hard and unforgiving.
“It’s not selfish.” Caught— one-handed before his head smashed in, though it wasn’t a full embrace.
“Ok.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. Maybe calling was making him feel worse.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to leave so quickly like that. I seem like an ass don’t I?” It was obvious that Robby was trying to keep things light, delay Dennis’s enviable breakdown at being in some way abandoned. It was cruel to think of Robby’s trip as abandonment.
“No, you’re doing what’s best for you. I just got used to all this and then poof, one of my favorite people is gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Just bring me back a really cool souvenir.”
There was no use catastrophizing when he couldn’t sleep and barely was able to sift through his thoughts to form proper words about his emotions. He could do it another night, when him and Trin got smashed off of buzz balls and bitched about their significant others.
“You got it.” Robby huffed a laugh.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Silence took over the line, both men settling into something a bit more peaceful at the agreement. Dennis hiked his blanket higher, stifling a yawn.
“Will you stay on the phone? Even if I fall asleep?” His eyelids were finally starting to feel heavy, his brain clearing as his body settled deeper into the mattress.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Tell me more.”
“About…?” Robby asked, his own yawn crackling over the speaker.
“What you miss.”
Dennis could picture the fond smile Robby was probably wearing, the slight shimmer to his eyes that no one but Dennis seemed to ever notice.
“I miss the noise of the city. You’d think the quiet nature would be relaxing, but it’s honestly unsettling just a bit. I miss the Pitt. Not the work exactly, but the people. I don’t miss Dana’s scolding, but I do miss joking around with her. I miss Jack, too. He’s texted me a couple times, but unless I’m in my room, the reception’s pretty shit.”
“I figured.”
“Sorry. Everyone’s been checking in but I just… I don’t know.”
“You do. But it’s ok.” Dennis wasn’t going to push and he wasn’t going to scold the man for his horrendous communication skills. It wasn’t his place. One day it will be, but not today.
“Yeah.” A beat. “I miss teaching. Maybe it’s an old man thing, but I miss working with people who are looking to learn and sharing my knowledge. I’ve been learning a lot out here, but it’s hard to be told you’ve been doing so much wrong inside your own head for your entire life.”
“I can imagine.” Dennis thought about growing up, the values he lived by, the people he associated with. Going to college was his first break from that world. He always had an inkling he was different, but he had a lot to unlearn. Still does.
“I miss you.” The confession was shakier than the rest. He was putting those new vulnerability skills to work, it seemed. “I miss relaxing with you and watching movies or cooking together. I miss seeing you in my clothes. I miss kissing you. And I don’t even mean that like an old perv.”
Dennis let out a barking laugh, a distraction from the way his heart swooped into his stomach.
“I miss you, too. And I miss kissing you. In a perv way and also not.” He giggled, Robby’s own laugh tinning over the speakers.
Dennis let out another yawn, big and teary. His eyes had remained shut for the last few minutes of their conversation as exhaustion pulled at his limbs.
“Maybe you should get some sleep, Mr. Perv.”
He let out a small huff of a laugh, too tired to do much more.
“Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Sleep weighed his body down, pressing into the mattress as steady breaths surrounded both ends of the line. If Robby kept talking, Dennis wasn’t sure. In a blink, the sun was creeping over the city, peeking through the slats of his blinds and piercing him in the face. A warm sliver of light covered half his body as he cracked his eyes open. He groaned, stretching like a cat, toes dangling off the end of his mattress.
Soft, rhythmic huffs echoed from Dennis’s phone as his head gently bumped against it. He took it in his grasp, first glancing at the early morning time, knowing his alarm was going to sound in a couple minutes, before staring at the smaller number below. 5 hours 37 minutes. He’s surprised his battery didn’t quit. It definitely wasn’t enough sleep to motivate him for a 12 hour shift, but it would have to do.
Despite his desire to lay there for the rest of his day, listening to the soft snores coming through the phone, Dennis knew he needed to get up and get ready. His finger hovered over the red circle as he listened to Robby’s sleeping breaths on the other end.
“I love you.”
Call ended.