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When Light’s skin first grazed the dark cover of the innocuous looking notebook he felt like he had been suddenly and violently plunged into a deep and freezing ocean. Memories came cascading back like salt water filling his lungs as he tried to recover from the shock waves that tore through his flesh. Gaps in his mind that had been so bothersome before slotted right back into place. Everything that had been taking place over the past few months made complete sense now. Victory was finally within reach. He just needed to execute the plan. He just needed to execute L. He should feel good right now.
Why didn’t he feel good right now?
Light sat in his new, unshared, bedroom in the taskforce headquarters trying to piece it together. His head swam with contradictions as he tried to process why he had a deep seated sense of wrongness in his gut. He was the pinnacle of moral fortitude. He was a mass murderer. He showed exemplary behavior and manners. He cackled with glee as he took lives. He had sophisticated taste. He craved animalistic violence. None of this was the cause of this feeling, Light knew that his killing was just. He was a God and he was morally correct in his actions. Everyone who didn’t understand that, who tried to stop him was just as bad as the scum he killed. The FBI agents, the task force, L-
His breath caught strangely against his will at the thought of L. He thought back on his amnesiatic time spent chained to L. L was sloppy which bothered the hell out of Light’s penchant for cleanliness. L always had to be right about everything, which clashed with Light also needing to be right about everything. L could see through all of the masks that Light put up and see the foundation of every wall he constructed. It was almost as if L had a direct view into his mind. It was infuriating. But it was fun.
Light has never encountered someone he couldn’t fully predict, let alone someone who could see through his lies and pretenses. Just like Ryuk, before the Death Note had landed in Light’s grasp he was bored. And while yes, killing was fun, the back and forth with L was almost funner. During his time spent attached to L 24/7, Light had picked up on how to see through L a bit too. Tiny body language shifts, miniscule shifts in his gaze, all made L into a book Light enjoyed reading. Light could picture with perfect clarity the look in L’s eyes when he was thinking harder than usual. He could picture the way the corners of L’s mouth angled slightly upwards when he found something amusing or a treat particularly enjoyable. He could picture an expression he never quite figured out the meaning of. Sometimes after adamantly arguing that Light was Kira, L’s eyes held a mixture of deep sadness and … longing? Light never quite figured it out but it bothered the hell out of him. Whenever that expression crossed L’s face Light could feel a pit in his gut. He wanted to eradicate that sadness within L. He wanted to give him whatever he was longing for. He -
His gut sank as he realized. He tried to push the thought down but it kept rising in his throat like bile. He loved L.
Panic filled him as he began to realize that this was an irrefutable fact. He was a God. Kira couldn’t fall for a mere mortal like this, especially not one that should be revolting to him. He couldn’t allow this. Maybe if he could’ve somehow not erased his memories of the Death Note this wouldn’t have happened. Light was susceptible to feelings. Light was weak. Kira was a benevolent God that couldn’t allow such human weaknesses stop him. Gods couldn’t fall in love without dying themselves. Kira could not be like Gelus or Rem and stifle his entire existence, his entire purpose, over a stupid crush.
Light’s stomach clenched with sorrow and grief as Kira’s stomach clenched with unabashed rage. Light and Kira were one in the same - at least at the beginning. But now? It felt like he was being torn into two separate halves against his will. Hot angry tears began to run down his cheeks while he stifled a sob. For the first time in his life he wanted to be someone else, someone with far less pressure to be perfect and do the right things all the time. He wanted to be selfish, throw his responsibility to the world aside, and run off solving mysteries by L’s side. But that couldn’t happen. Light grew up with the ideal that things should be done for the greater good of others. This ideal was instilled into him. The crafting of a brave new world filled with peace and safety was for the greater good. He couldn’t let L stop him.
Light dug his nails into his palms until he couldn’t take the tension in his muscles as he clenched his fists anymore. The crescent shaped indents stung in a way that helped distract from the internal pain in an almost cathartic way. He had popped open a small bit of skin where his nail had dug in and he stared at it, mesmerized by the small amount of blood that emerged from it. He felt an inclination to feel more of that lovely pain. If it wouldn’t be suspicious to go attack L unprompted, and if he wasn’t afraid of accidentally crying in front of the man, he would go brawl L and hope to get kicked in the teeth. Light began to scratch at his arms in frustration; feverishly irritating the skin to no end. Soon enough the desire for more entered his mind. Light wanted to bleed to take away the mental assault that had been racing through his mind. Kira wanted to bleed to punish Light for getting into this situation in the first place. He searched through all of his drawers in a frantic search for anything sharp but was unable to find anything. It’s not like he had stayed in this new room yet, and L wouldn’t have left him anything that could conceivably be used as a weapon. He slid down to the ground with his back against the wall, hands tangled into his hair and tightly pulling, as he tried to slow his breathing and cease his panic.
Eventually, the tears ceased, leaving only dried tracks down his face. His breathing slowed and he felt exhausted. He had no idea how long he had been panicking or how long he had been sitting against the wall. He cradled his head one arm, propped up on his knee, while his other arm laid limply at his side. He almost felt dead with how frozen he felt. He almost wished he was dead. A part of him briefly considered giving up the Death Note again. Losing his memories and returning to an ignorant bliss would be much preferable to this pain. He knew that if he did that then Ryuk would kill him out of boredom, which, Light supposed, would stop the pain too. Though he’d rather not die after losing the memories and the pain.
Light heard a laugh he hadn’t heard in a long time. He raised his head to look at the Shinigami.
“Well Light I thought you’d be happy to get your memories back! I know I’m not the best at reading humans but those didn’t look like tears of joy to me”.
“Fuck off Ryuk, I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now”. Light wiped at the dried tear streaks stuck to his face, embarrassed to be seen like this, even by Ryuk.
“I expected a warmer welcome too! What’s this all about Light? It can’t be that you’re hung up on that L guy right? I was watching while your memories were gone and it seems like the two of you got kinda close. Didn’t think you were the typa guy to let friendship get in the way of your new world!” Ryuk cackled, clearly enjoying Light’s inner turmoil.
Friendship. They were hardly friends, even if Light knew deep in his gut that he wanted them to be more than that. “Of course not Ryuk. I’m just upset that it took me so long to get away from L’s grasp is all.” Light suddenly became very aware that as long as he was in the taskforce headquarters he was still very much within L’s grasp. He spoke in a hushed and panicked tone, “Ryuk can you please check if there are any cameras or bugs in this room?”
“What, you don’t want L to see your little freak out? I don’t know what you were destroying the room looking for but it must be part of whatever little plan you’ve got brewing if you don’t want L to see”.
Light gave a small nod in reply.
“I’ll only do it if you get me some apples, kay? All sorts of types but especially the red ones!”
Light sighed at Ryuk’s childishness and nodded again.
Ryuk flew around checking for cameras and bugs and didn’t find any in the room, surprising Light that L had told the truth about his room being free of surveillance. Light let out a small sigh of relief that his breakdown hadn’t been captured for L’s viewing.
“Thank you, Ryuk, I’ll ask L to get a bunch of apples delivered to the headquarters.”
“So what was it that you were looking for anyways? You seemed to be in quite the panic about not finding it!”
“You don’t want me to spoil the surprise, do you, Ryuk? Wouldn’t that take the fun out of it?” Light lied to get Ryuk to drop the issue. “I have a long day of planning tomorrow so if you could leave me to rest for the night that would be great.”
“Not so fast, I know you’re lying, and I wanna know what the truth is. It’s gotta be about L doesn’t it? The look on your face when I mentioned him was priceless! And the looks on both of your faces while your memories were wiped… it reminded me a bit of those sad puppy dog eyes Rem is constantly looking at Misa with! You’re not,” Ryuk feigned a gasp, “in love with your arch enemy are you? Now that would be interesting! You know if a Shinigami falls in love and tries to save a human the Shinigami dies too right? I wonder if it would be the same for Kira.” Ryuk cackled.
Rage filled Light’s body. He couldn’t have been that obvious about his feelings right? He hadn’t even known about them himself until that day! But Ryuk knew, he saw through him. Ryuk said that L would give him the same look. Does that mean L feels the same? Could Light have a shot? Light pushed the thought away. The question of if L loved him back didn’t matter because Kira couldn’t act on such feelings. Part of Light wished he had never been Kira. Part of Kira wished he had never been Light. It was getting hard to be both, one would have to squash out the other eventually. He knew that if L loved him, he most likely loved the Light part of him, not the Kira part. Light briefly entertained the idea of L converting and becoming a disciple of Kira much like Misa but Light knew that this was never going to happen. Even if L’s look of longing was a reciprocation of love, L would never willingly lose their game. L would never back down until he had Kira executed.
“Ryuk, I thought you knew me better than that. I would never toss my responsibilities away for stupid feelings. Plus have you seen the guy? Why would I be into him? He’s the ugliest person in the world compared to Misa.”
“I thought you were only dating Misa for strategic purposes, it really doesn’t seem like you’re all that into her -”
Light cut him off, “What type of man would I be if I didn’t at the very least find her physically attractive?” Light in fact did not find her physically attractive. He knew she was conventionally attractive, sure. She was obviously beautiful but he was very much not attracted to women. Light sighed in frustration. “Look, Ryuk, I have a long day of plotting L’s downfall tomorrow and I really need to be well rested for it.”
“Gee fine, I thought you’d wanna hang out with your buddy for a while but I’ll see myself out.” Ryuk floated through the wall to wander the headquarters.
Light sat on the floor for a bit longer. He almost missed Ryuk’s presence. He had gotten so used to sharing a room with L that his empty room felt lonely. Eventually, Light gathered up the strength to drag himself to the bed and lay down for the night. He turned off his bedside lamp and the room was enveloped in darkness. A cold and dreadful darkness, not the beautiful darkness that resided in L’s irises. Light wanted to sob again but lacked even the energy for that. He was completely drained from the intensity of his emotional outburst.
As he tried to close his eyes all he saw was L. L typing in his strange posture, L stirring an obscene amount of sugar cubes into his coffee, L laying dead with his hand clenched over his heart in pain.
Light wished they had met in some different way. Kira knew it never could’ve happened any differently. Light wished that he had never gained his memories back. Kira wished he had found some way to not have ever erased them. Light wanted to find some way to save L. Kira wanted L’s corpse to rot.
Light knew Kira would get his way.