Chapter Text
Buck couldn’t wait to be released from the hospital. He’d been there a week, and despite Eddie only leaving his side for brief showers and bathroom breaks, they’d had little time alone.
During the day, Chris would be around, eager to tell Buck about everything he’d been up to in El Paso and all the shows, movies, and games he was interested in. Chris seemed oblivious to the red flags he was raising as he talked about Eddie’s parents, and Buck found himself looking to Eddie with concern. He just shook his head and mouthed “later,” before turning his attention back to his son.
Even when Chris wasn’t there, someone was always visiting, bringing him freshly scented blankets and shirts for his nest, asking him how he was feeling (crappy, but no longer on the brink of death), or the nurses were popping into his room and taking vitals at all hours of the day and night.
He’d barely left his nest, and he still felt like he would sleep for 12 hours straight once they were finally allowed to go home.
Home. To Eddie’s house, where all of Buck’s things had been relocated by their friends. He was grateful that he’d packed almost everything before going down, so he’d spared them the burden of packing for him. Unpacking would be its own challenge. He hadn’t thought much past getting his things out of his loft, hadn’t dwelled on his dishes sitting in the place of Eddie’s mismatched collection of Corelle dishes and plastic plates, his knives sitting in their block on the counter, his bed in the room where Eddie once slept.
Now, all their things would be in one place, sharing space in cupboards and closets. And Chris would be there too. Buck wasn’t sure that he still trusted that this was really happening. If it weren’t for how often he woke up with tears on his face and Dani’s name in his mouth, he’d suspect he was still in a coma.
They hadn’t talked about it, never with enough time and privacy that Buck felt comfortable opening up. He could see the looks Eddie gave him when he woke up crying. The extra attention he gave to Buck’s scent glands the morning after a rough night. He wants to share his memories, self-deluded as they are, with Eddie, but he’s not sure he’s allowed to grieve someone who never existed.
When Eddie had left, it was like he’d sprung a leak, and all the comfort and safety that Eddie’s scent had brought him had drained away. He was slowly refilling, thanks to the constant contact and scenting, but it was scary to think how much he had lost. He’d had no idea how dependent he’d become on Eddie’s closeness until it was ripped away. As much as he loved Eddie, it was terrifying to be so beholden to another person to feel normal. Not that he felt normal yet.
His spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Hansen entering his room. His new specialist was a petite Black woman whose bluntness reminded him of Hen. He’d instantly liked her when she first visited his room and had said, “Boy, what did you do to yourself?”
She didn’t treat him like he was delicate or needed to be coddled. She was straightforward about what his body had gone through and what it meant for his recovery. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that if he ever tried something like this again without medical help, it would kill him. She was also blunt when discussing the possible impacts on his fertility, stating that there was a chance his hormones would never stabilize enough to allow him to get pregnant.
Today, she was visiting for one final check before signing his discharge papers. She went over the medications he would be on and the signs they would need to watch for in case of a relapse. Buck appreciated that she spoke to him and Eddie equally. He’d noticed that some of the nurses and doctors tended to direct their comments about his condition to Eddie, even though he was right there.
“Now, you two have been stuck to each other in this nest for the last week, and you will need to stay fairly close once you’re home, but if you need some space, it’s perfectly fine to be in separate rooms. You’ll need to scent each other at least once an hour during the day, and I must insist you share a bed, or a nest if you prefer. Buck, you are cleared for all levels of sexual activity, but take it at your own pace. Let your instincts guide you.”
Buck felt his face heat up at the reminder that he would be sleeping next to Eddie in their bedroom, in their home, with only Chris down the hall. There had been more kisses after the first, and they cuddled together in the nest, but the lack of privacy had kept anything more significant from happening. He didn’t feel ready for anything more, but he was worried about Eddie’s expectations once they were alone.
He knew it wasn’t expected that he would be shy about sex, given his history, but he’d avoided any intimacy after his coma. His presentation had felt like a reset, a way to regain control of his body. The few times he’d thought about seeking out a hook-up, it had just felt wrong.
He hadn’t felt attracted to anyone other than Eddie since the lightning strike, and he wasn’t willing to force himself into an uncomfortable situation for an unsatisfying encounter just to prove he could. He’d contented himself with his toys and his hands and his dreams, exploring the limits of his altered body on his own, while seeking comfort from the touches his family bestowed on him.
“Okay,” he said, his eyes darting to Eddie and then away. He knew they would need to talk about it, his limits and his hangups. His need for Eddie to be sure before they took the next step, and his fear that Eddie wouldn’t be able to accept his new body. He couldn’t imagine the pain of going into heat and being rejected by Eddie. Or worse, only being wanted when their biology decided for them.
He had wanted Eddie for so long, with no hope that he would ever have him, that he was finding it hard to accept his affection at face value. He kept expecting someone to tell him this was all an elaborate prank, or for Eddie to be resentful that Buck had forced him into this relationship by almost dying.
“Of course,” Eddie said, smoothing his hand up Buck’s bicep to rest on his shoulder. “There’s no rush.”
Buck sent him a tremulous smile, wondering if Eddie was as nervous as he was about the idea of being alone together.
“Good,” Dr. Hansen said, signing the papers on her clipboard and handing them over to Buck. “Well, boys, it’s been fun, but you are free to go. Buck, I’ll see you in a week for a follow-up appointment. Stop by the nurses' station to set that up on your way out.”
“Thank you, Dr. Hansen,” Buck said, reaching for her hand to give it a squeeze.
“Just don’t make it a habit,” she said, squeezing back before letting go and leaving the room.
Buck turned to Eddie. “So, I guess we should pack up and head home?”
“Yeah,” Eddie said, making no move to get up.
Buck shook his head fondly. “You get the bags, I’ll start taking down the nest. Do we need to call for a ride?”
“No, my truck is here. Frankie dropped it off a few days ago.”
“Good, that’ll make it easier to get all of this back home,” Buck said, gesturing to the overflowing contents of his nest. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to fit all the contributions from his family into the duffel bags sitting in the corner of the room, but he didn’t want to leave anything behind. He might need to ask for some trash bags from the nurses to pack up all the shirts and blankets.
Eddie got up as soon as Buck started folding the items from his nest into neat piles and headed into the bathroom to grab their toiletries, shoving everything into one bag, which was fine because they were going to the same place. Buck wasn’t going to freak out about his toothbrush and Eddie’s toothbrush being in the same bag.
He finished folding everything and then dug in the pile of Eddie’s clothes to pull out a LAFD sweatshirt with Diaz embroidered under the logo (and over his heart). He put it on and then quickly looked over to see Eddie’s reaction. He was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, toiletry bag clutched in one hand as a blinding grin stole over his face.
“Looks good on you,” he said, and Buck smiled back shyly.
Working together, they got everything packed up. Buck did have to ask the nurses for an extra bag to help carry the blankets, as they didn’t fit in the bags they had. While Eddie ran everything down to the truck, Buck stopped by the nurses' station to make his follow-up appointment, and soon enough, they were both sitting in Eddie’s truck.
“Ready to go home?” Eddie asked, his body turned towards Buck.
And it didn’t really matter if he was, because he had no other home to go to. “Sure,” he said, turning to look out the window as Eddie backed the truck out of their parking spot and headed towards home.
———
Eddie struggled to keep his eyes on the road as he drove, his gaze drifting to Buck in the seat next to him.
Buck was quiet, his eyes either fixed straight ahead or looking out the passenger side window, but never straying to Eddie. Buck had been quiet in the hospital, too, lost in his own head, and Eddie had been doing his best not to push, but it was never a good sign when Buck went quiet. It meant he was focusing all his energy on appearing normal while he freaked out internally.
The usual game plan when he got like this was to reassure him that he had people around him who wanted to be there. Bobby would ask for assistance in the kitchen, Hen would approach him for advice about Denny, Chim and Maddie would ask him to come around for dinner and a tea party with Jee, and Eddie would send him out into the world with Chris. Eventually, he would tell someone about what was weighing him down, let them in enough to help.
This felt bigger than all the other times Buck had shut him out. Mostly because he worried that he was the thing that Buck was freaking out about. He didn’t want to be a source of stress for Buck while he was recovering. That wasn’t how they should work. He wanted to be there for Buck, to be a pillar of strength. He wanted to hold him up and hold him close, but he’d noticed how Buck had started to pull away as he came back to himself in the days after he woke up from the coma.
He was scared. Once he’d finally, finally (god, he was such an idiot) realized how he felt about Buck, he was wholly onboard with them making a life together. He could see it so clearly, Buck and Chris bantering back and forth, making fun of him as a team. Waking up in the morning to see Buck slack-jawed in sleep and sneaking away to start the coffee. Being chased out of his kitchen as Buck tried a new recipe. Buck, pregnant and glowing, as he researched the best cribs for their baby.
He wanted it so much, and he was so scared that it was all going to go to shit. Historically, that was what happened when he wanted something. He was well aware that he had no idea what he was doing. He’d never courted anyone before, had actively avoided doing so, and he wasn’t sure where to start. Dr. Hansen had mentioned following their instincts, but his instinct had always been to hold on too tightly to the person in front of him, no matter the cost to himself. He needed to figure out how to make it clear to Buck that he was all in, that he was doing this for himself, as well as for Buck and Chris.
30 silent minutes later, they were pulling into the driveway of the home he had thought he was saying goodbye to for good just a week ago. He hadn’t been back yet, unable to leave Buck’s side while he was in the hospital. He knew that his cousin had driven all his stuff back, along with his truck, and that his friends and family had unloaded it. He was expecting to walk into a house filled with boxes and mismatched furniture placed wherever it would fit. He was not expecting to walk into a party.
His first clue that something was up was the unlocked front door. Pepa had been staying with Chris, and he knew she always kept the door locked, so when he tried the handle and it turned, he was instantly wary. He waved Buck back as he cautiously opened the door. The hallway was clear as he stepped into the house, his footsteps light. He made his way down the short entryway until he could see into the living room, where the entire 118 family, along with Tía Pepa, Chris, Frankie, and his cousin Rafael’s brood, were gathered. He glared at the gathered assembly, set their bags down in the corner of the room, and then walked back to Buck, who was still hovering in the doorway.
“So, everyone’s in the house. Do you want to see them, or should I go in and exercise my Alpha privilege to throw them out?”
Buck bit his lip. “I think…it’s nice that they came. We should let them fuss for a little bit.” He took a deep breath. “But…I’m not sure how long I’ll be up for company. I really just want to sleep.”
“Of course, cariño,” he said, daring to run a hand through Buck’s hair and scritch at the back of his neck. “As soon as it gets to be too much, just tell me, and I’ll run interference.” He let his hand drift down until it was resting on the small of Buck’s back. “Ready?”
“Sure,” Buck said. “Let’s do it.” He gave him a shaky smile, and Eddie almost marched into the house to kick everyone out.
When they reached the arch that opened up to the living room, he was sure his face was sufficiently thunderous because no one yelled surprise. The adults mostly looked uncomfortable and sheepish, shooting glances at each other, and the kids were busy playing a card game and seemed oblivious to the tension in the room.
Maddie was the first to step forward, wrapping her arms around Buck’s waist and burying her face into his chest. Buck ducked his head to sniff her hair, and Eddie could feel some of the tension go out of him where he still had a hand on his back.
“Welcome home, little brother,” Maddie mumbled. She stepped back, wiping her eyes. “You scared me,” she said sternly. “Don’t do that again.”
“Not planning on it,” Buck said with a small smile.
“Good. Cause if you do, I’ll kick your ass,” she said, waving a finger in Buck’s face. Eddie could feel a growl starting in his chest and had to take a deep breath to keep it in. He knew Maddie wasn’t serious, but holy shit, he did not like seeing Buck threatened. He contented himself with moving behind Buck so he could have both hands on his waist.
Maddie stepped aside so Bobby could take her place and moved to stand next to Eddie. He looked over at her warily. He’d managed to avoid being alone with her in the hospital since he couldn’t be away from Buck during his early recovery, but he hadn’t missed the glares she would send his way when Buck was distracted. He’d also been warned by Chim that his wife wasn’t happy with him.
“Eddie,” she greeted him with a nod.
“Maddie.” He nodded back.
“There’s food in the kitchen. Why don’t you go make up a plate for Buck?” It seemed an innocent suggestion, but Eddie couldn’t help feeling like his luck was about to run out.
He could refuse, but Buck was looking more animated than he’d seen him at any time this past week as he talked with Bobby, and he would only be a room away. He squeezed Buck’s side and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “You should sit down and talk. I’ll bring you something to eat.” He couldn’t resist dropping a kiss on Buck’s birthmark before he withdrew. Buck tossed him a grin, and for the first time, he really thought this might work.
As he moved towards the kitchen, he could sense Maddie following behind him, and he braced for the coming confrontation.
Eddie heard an ominous click as the door between the kitchen and dining area was closed. He thought about making a joke about the presence of police in his house, but honestly, Athena would probably be on Maddie’s side.
Instead, he walked around the island so that it was between them before turning around and leaning back against the counter. He crossed his arms across his chest and let the silence stretch.
Maddie glared at him, her mouth pressed into a thin line. She opened her mouth as if ready to lay into him and then closed it again. He shifted his weight and dropped his eyes to the floor. His shoulders tensed, awaiting the blow. He deserved it, whatever she had to say.
He’d been beating himself up for days as he observed what his absence had done to his partner, friend, mate? He felt so guilty, and it made him sick to think he had that much power over someone else.
It might be nice to hear it from an outside source,
“If you leave him again, I will end you,” she said, words firm and certain.
Eddie looked up, meeting her eyes. “Maddie, I swear to god, the only way I’m leaving your brother is if he sends me away. Which he might.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “What are you talking about?” she asked, confused.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “He hasn’t said anything to you?”
“You know he hasn’t. You’ve been there everytime I talked to him. He hasn’t had a chance to tell me anything,” she pointed out.
“When we were in the hospital, he asked the doctor about severing the bond.” His stomach roiled as he thought about that conversation.
“He did what?” she screeched.
“It was right after he became lucid. We talked about it a little. I think he thinks that he trapped me, but I want to be here. There is nowhere else in the world I want to be. I just have to convince him of that.”
“He’s not the only one you’ll have to convince,” Maddie huffed.
“What?”
“As mad as I am at Buck for not telling me about his presentation and for not taking care of himself, I can sort of see his point. All he’s ever wanted is to find someone who will love him as he is. Not because they have to or because they’re supposed to, not in spite of who he is, but because of who he is.” She stepped forward, her voice going soft. “I’ve watched him twist himself into a shape he thought was more palatable to get people to stay, but he never holds it for long. He’s gotten used to being left behind, and Eddie, you left him.”
Eddie flinched at the low accusation. “I didn’t leave him; I went to get my son. I wasn’t planning on staying there forever,” he said defensively.
“Eddie,” she said, shaking her head, “You quit your job and bought a house in El Paso. None of that screamed coming back. Buck thought he was being left behind without a thought, that it was easy for you to pack up and leave LA and him in your rear view mirror.”
“I came back,” he said, definitely not whining.
“Because Buck was in the hospital. He was hurt, and you paid attention to him. Remind you of anyone?” Maddie’s said pointedly.
Eddie felt a flash of anger rush through him as he caught on to her implications. “Do not compare me to your parents. That’s not what happened.”
“Isn’t it?” she said with a shrug. “Think about it from his perspective. You drove away with no plans to return, only to come running back declaring your love for him when he was dying. How is he supposed to trust that?”
“He should trust me,” Eddie said, hating the petulant edge in his voice. He took a breath to try to regain control. “I told him that I love him, that I’m all in.”
“You’re going to have to show him, and the rest of us, that you mean it. Words are easy, Eddie.”
Eddie needed her to understand, to be on his side. “Not for me, they’re not. I didn’t even have the words for how I feel about Buck until I thought I was going to lose him.”
“What changed?” Maddie asked. “Why now and not three years ago? Or any of the other times before that? What makes this time different?”
She wasn’t glaring anymore, and Eddie would take that as a win. He’d had time to think about it, cuddled up with Buck in the hospital, why now, why this moment. It wasn’t that his feelings had suddenly changed, more that he was finally ready to acknowledge what had been there almost from the beginning.
He had fallen in love with Buck so long ago that it had simply become background noise. He had never thought too deeply about why Buck was the person he shared everything with, the person he went to when he needed help, his first call when something good or bad happened. Buck was the only person he allowed to truly see him. Their relationship was so different from what he thought a romantic partnership should look like that he hadn’t recognized it for what it was.
Now that his eyes were open, he felt like an idiot for being so clueless.
“Well, it helped that my sister was there to knock some sense into me,” Eddie said with a laugh. “Look, I’ve loved Buck for a long time. I just didn’t know that was what I was feeling. It’s different from what I had with Shannon. Better.”
“How so?” Maddie frowned at him.
“My relationship with Shannon was a roller coaster. We were either fighting or fu-sleeping together, sometimes both at the same time. I always felt like I was falling short, like nothing I did was ever enough for her. It was like we were competing for who could sacrifice the most, be the biggest martyr. And then she died. She won the competition.”
He started to make up a plate for Buck, needing something to do as he shared the painful truth of his first marriage. “After that first day, Buck never competed with me. He just showed up, supported me, made friends with my kid. He made my life better in so many quiet ways, like it was nothing. I’d never had anything like that before. He didn’t question my decisions or act like I didn’t know how to take care of my kid, he saw me as capable.”
Eddie shook his head, still stunned when he thought back over the years of their relationship. “Even when I made dumbass choices, when I was falling apart, he didn’t look at me like I was broken or worthless. He just helped, reassured me that it would get better. The fact that I let him see me like that should have clued me in to what he means to me, but I’m an idiot.”
Maddie pursed her lips. “Eddie, I get what you’re saying. Buck is the best. But I’m hearing a lot of “I” statements. If you only love him for what he does for you, I’m not sure I can support this.”
Eddie fought the urge to growl. “No, that’s not…He sees me, I let him see me, and I see him. He doesn’t have to do anything for me to love him. I just want him around, all the time. I want to hear all the thoughts running through his head, even when he goes off on wild tangents. I want him to let me take care of him, the same way he takes care of us. I’m not sure if you know this about your brother, but he’s really bad at putting himself first.”
Maddie huffed a laugh. “I have noticed that, yes.”
“I don’t want a house Omega, and I have no intention of treating him like one. I want a partner, my partner. And I will do whatever it takes to convince him, to convince everyone, of that.”
“And if it’s not enough?” Maddie asked.
“Then I will let him go. It might kill me, but if he can’t trust me, trust in us, if I’ve broken us, then I have no one to blame but myself, and I deserve to be alone.”
“Okay,” Maddie said. “So what’s the plan?”