Chapter Text
After they had saved the city, perhaps the world, the bad dreams – the nightmares – stopped, for a while.
It was somewhat surprising to Erin, when for the fourth morning in a row, she awoke after a night of restful sleep – after all, she had been sure that, while her usual nightmares might take a break, she’d dream of the Rowan Incident, as the group had dubbed it, of the ghosts they had fought, perhaps of something during said battles going wrong, one of them getting injured or even killed. She had been sure she’d dream of the dreadful moments in the vortex, of something going wrong there, getting stuck there maybe, or failing to grab Abby; if she had any dreams though, she didn’t remember them, and judging from how well-rested she felt each morning, she figured that, if they had happened, they couldn’t have been bad.
After the fifth perfectly restful night, Erin dared to begin hoping that perhaps, the nightmares were gone for good, that finally, being a Ghostbuster and saving the city had given her confidence the boost it had needed to rid her of them; the sixth perfect night strengthened that belief, and the seventh cemented it further, and for the first time in years, she felt good the moment she opened in her eyes in the morning.
And then, in the eight night, the nightmares came back.
She blamed the fact that she, over-eager to get some work done, hadn’t bothered to actually go home and sleep in her bed, but had fallen asleep at her desk; perhaps, if she had slept in her bed, she wouldn’t have had one of those dreams again, but she hadn’t, and so, she awoke shortly after 3 a.m. with her heart racing in her chest and cold sweat on her brow and palms.
With a heavy breath, Erin wiped her hands on her pants, then ran them through her hair; her back and neck hurt, thanks to the position she had been sleeping in, and for a moment, she felt like crying, miserable from the nightmare and in pain from hours of slumbering in a chair, and just when she had thought that finally, finally, she wouldn’t be plagued by these dreadful images in her sleep anymore.
She took in another deep breath, telling herself that this was ridiculous, she was a grown woman of forty-two, smart – brilliant, some would actually say – and now with a well-respected career (except for a few who kept calling them frauds, but after the massive ghost onslaught on the city less than two weeks ago, those voices were growing quieter and fewer), so surely, it was time to forget about the not so good times in her life, and certainly stop dreaming about them.
Slumping back into the seat, she stared up at the ceiling, wondering if she could risking go back to sleep; going home at this time wasn’t practical, she knew, but the couch looked quite inviting, and it wouldn’t be the first time she’d spend the night at HQ, anyway, by now having a change of clothes there for these occasions.
This is no game, I know all too well
This was what I lived,
this was all that I knew once
Erin startled at the unexpected sound coming from upstairs, having been quite sure that she was the only person awake at HQ by now – Holtzmann practically did live here, anyway, but still the physicist had been somewhat convinced that she was fast asleep, and not still working up on the second floor.
Perhaps she just forgot to turn off the music, she thought to herself, getting up from her seat and grimacing at the cracks this elicited from her spine, I better go check.
She stretched, producing more cracks and wincing at the flash of pain, then made her way upstairs; and even though it was practically in the middle of the night, Holtzmann was, to her surprise, still awake, bent over what appeared to be a proton shotgun, humming along softly to the music, for once not an 80’s tune, but a melodious, quiet piece Erin found quite appealing.
Not wanting to startle her, she stopped in the doorway and just watched her for a few seconds, not fully aware of the smile which curled her lips; half a minute ticked by like this, then Holtzmann apparently became aware of someone watching her since the humming stopped and she lowered the tool she had been using on the weapon, turning in her seat afterwards, smiling when she saw Erin standing there.
“Hey, hot stuff”, she greeted, the redhead by now hiding quite well how this pet name made her heart skip a beat, “fancy seeing you here at this time.”
“I fell asleep”, Erin explained, stepping into the room and closer to the engineer’s desk, smiling again when Holtzmann removed several parts from the chair next to her so she could sit, “at my desk. Not the smartest thing to do for a woman my age, which is why I woke up at this ungodly hour, heard your music and decided to see if you just forgot to switch it off.”
“I never forget to switch off my music”, Holtzmann replied indignantly, earning another smile from Erin while she moved to sit next to her, “I just work crazy hours and I don’t need much sleep.”
“Because you drink insane amounts of coffee”, Erin pointed out, smiling though to make the words sound less harsh, “mind me asking what you’re working on? Looks like a shotgun.”
“Oh, it is”, Holtzmann replied, her voice taking on the eager tone she always seemed to have when she spoke to Erin about her inventions – and only to Erin, the redhead had noticed, she sounded enthusiastic when talking to Patty and Abby, too, but not quite as happy as when she was talking to her, “or, well, it will be, when I’m done. Look, the charger’s gonna go here, and…”
She kept talking and pointing things out to her, and slowly, but steadily, Erin forgot all about her nightmare, enthralled by Holtzmann’s undiluted joy about her work; soon though, she felt her eyelids grow heavy again, but fought against the oncoming tiredness, suddenly frightened of going back downstairs and to sleep there, afraid that the bad dreams would come back.
“You should get some rest, Gilbert”, Holtzmann picked up on her increasing sleepiness, sounding a bit amused, “or you’ll fall asleep right here on this chair, fall off and hit your head. Or I’ll try to catch you and we’ll look all dramatic.”
“Yeah”, Erin agreed, didn’t move though; several seconds ticked by in silence, then Holtzmann raised an eyebrow at her questioningly, and she felt her cheeks heat up, suddenly feeling uncomfortable as she realized she had to give some sort of explanation for her reluctance.
“If you don’t wanna go down the stairs in the dark, I can lend you a flashlight”, Holtzmann offered before she could say anything; she cleared her throat, then shook her head, suddenly finding it hard to look at her friend and opting to study her own feet instead as she replied.
“It has nothing to do with the stairs”, she let the engineer know, fighting the urge to nervously play with the hem of her shirt, “it’s just… I’m having dreams, you know, bad ones. About… well, the past. Surprisingly, not about Rowan and friends, apparently, any traumata I gained through that are way smaller than those collected through my high school years. They had stopped, for a week, but now they are back and I’m… kinda scared to go back to sleep now.”
She laughed nervously, feeling quite far from the professional she was supposed to be, almost expecting Holtzmann to join her laughter, only she wouldn’t be laughing with her, but at her; instead though, the engineer gave her an uncharacteristically serious look, then reached out and briefly touched her hand, unaware of the jolt she sent all the way up her arm with the little gesture.
“I see”, Holtzmann said instead of laughing, nodding as if she completely got what Erin was talking about – and perhaps, the physicist realized, she did, surely, she hadn’t just developed her eccentric personality during the past few years, and she knew first-hand how cruel kids could be.
“You can sleep here on the couch if you like”, the engineer continued, gesturing to said couch, “maybe, having someone else nearby will help? And if not, I can wake you up in case I notice you having a nightmare.”
“…thanks”, Erin replied after a moment, a second during which a million possible responses had ran through her mind, ranging from agreement to rejecting the offer, before she had decided to settle for the one most honest and genuine, “I really appreciate that Holtz, thank you.”
“No biggie”, Holtzmann shrugged, giving her another smirk afterwards, the flirtatious tone returning to her voice as she went on, “you know I’d never say no to having a pretty woman on my couch.”
Not quite sure how to reply to this, Erin just gave her a nervous smile, then yawned heartily; this prompted Holtzmann to tell her again that she should get some rest, and this time, she got up immediately after she had nodded her agreement.
“I’ll try to be quiet”, Holtzmann reassured her, simultaneously switching off the music, “sleep tight.”
“Thank you”, Erin sincerely said, hoping she could convey that she was thanking her for more than just the “sleep tight”; Holtzmann smiled and winked, then turned towards her work again while Erin got comfortable on the couch, snuggling into the surprisingly soft pillow, fast asleep not even a minute later.
She was twelve again, and hiding away in the washroom, locked in one of the stalls and pressing her fist against her mouth so she wouldn’t cry. They had taunted her again, of course, like every day, and this time, it just had been too much, so she had started punching, flailing around randomly with the inefficiency of a twelve year old who had no idea what she was doing; that had made them laugh at her, and they had told her to find a boxer’s ghost so he could teach her, and then one of them had hit back, and he had been much better at it and punched her right in the mouth, her lip split and swollen now, at least not bleeding anymore but
(Erin)
but it hurt and she was humiliated and
(Erin!)
and they would never stop, she knew they would never stop, and now she did cry, tears rolling down her cheeks—
Her own strangled sob woke her, accompanied by a voice which she found familiar, but couldn’t place in the first few seconds; then, as the voice began to make soothing noises, she recognized it as Holtzmann, unable to hold back another sob before she regained at least a bit of self-control, simultaneously feeling the engineer’s arms tighten around her and realizing, with an odd mixture of embarrassment and warm fuzziness, that the blonde had moved to hold her in her arms when she had realized she was having a bad dream.
“Shhhh”, she heard Holtzmann mumble, making her wonder if the blonde actually was aware that she was awake or thought she was still asleep, an unasked question the engineer answered with her next words, “it’s okay, you’re not there anymore, you’re here and you’re safe.”
Erin still felt embarrassed, but the feeling was pushed aside quite easily by how good it felt to be held like this; she tried to remember the last time anyone had embraced her like that, complete with tender rubbing of her back, and couldn’t, the hitch in her breath not caused by her nightmare alone anymore at this realization.
“I’m awake”, she mumbled, even though she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to have Holtzmann let go of her already; apparently though, the engineer wasn’t planning to do so, anyway, keeping her arms around her, and still rubbing her back, clearly believing that she still was in need of comfort.
For a while, they both were quiet, the only sound being the soft rustling of fabric Holtzmann created as she rubbed Erin’s back; then, the engineer spoke up, keeping her voice low though, the tender tone making the physicist’s heart tighten in her chest. “Want to talk about it?”
“…no”, Erin mumbled after a moment, not quite ready for this, “sorry, but…”
“Don’t be”, Holtzmann told her at once, “I know the feeling. But you didn’t even sleep for an hour before I had to wake you up, you should try to rest some more.”
She started to pull back, and suddenly, the thought of not being held anymore made Erin feel close to tears again; and before she could stop herself, she said “Holtz?” in a tiny, trembling voice, the other woman pausing at once, waiting for her to speak on, something she did a moment later. “Could you… um… stay?”
“Sure”, Holtzmann replied at once, not letting it show if she thought this was weird, “no problem. Want me to be big spoon?”
“Please”, Erin murmured, feeling herself blush; in response, Holtzmann settled in behind her, some shifting and manoeuvring required until they both were comfortable, one of the engineer’s arms draped over Erin’s waist now, the other shoved beneath the pillow so it wouldn’t be in the way.
“Sleep well”, Holtzmann mumbled to her once they both had gotten comfy, “I’ll try to keep the nightmares away.”
She briefly tightened her hold on the physicist, then went slack as she relaxed; and after half a minute, Erin allowed herself to do the same, closing her eyes, trying to go back to sleep, even though having the engineer so close to her made this much more difficult than she had anticipated.
After a while though, her tiredness won out, and she drifted off into sleep again… and slumbered peacefully until the next morning, Holtzmann keeping all the bad dreams away, just like she had said.