Work Text:
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
Don’t wanna say I told you so but…
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@UnofficialShaneHollander: um???? context???
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: Oh my god, have you not seen the video? You NEED to watch it RIGHT NOW.
https://www.twitter.com/1973787…
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: This means your fave is homophobic btw. #IlyaRozanovIsOverParty !!!!!!!!!!
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@UnofficialShaneHollander: all I gathered from this interaction is that hollander got wrongfully outed by an anonymous source? how does this make rozanov homophobic?? y’all are always jumping to conclusions smh
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: You want a list?
- Let’s start with the most glaringly obvious: Ilya Rozanov is Russian! Obviously, there’s gonna be homophobia from Rozanov because of that.
- How long have they been rivals??? There’s no way Rozanov didn’t know about Shane’s sexuality. Just blatant homophobia.
#IlyaRozanovIsOverParty
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@UnofficialShaneHollander: wow…a list with two points. i’ll really take this evidence to heart and rethink my personal opinions on him
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
can we all agree to block @UnofficialShaneHollander for their stupidity?
Secret 5th Hayden Pike Child @shaydenisreal
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: i’ve had them blocked for months dude.
Ilya Rozanovs Abs @gulpwowunbelivable
@shaydenisreal: Lol, literally. The fact that anyone has that account unblocked is crazy.
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@shaydenisreal: girl i’m blocking you too
Secret 5th Hayden Pike Child @shaydenisreal
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: ??????
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@shaydenisreal: shipping shayden is a disease please stay 10 feet away from me at all times
__
The video is ten seconds long, at most.
The damage is done, though, because that’s all it needed to be.
One ten second long video, and the secret that Shane held so desperately onto for his entire life is just… Everywhere. For everyone to see.
Shane watches it. And then he watches it again. He’s not sure how many times the video repeats, he can’t hear it anymore. All he can think of is who could’ve taken it.
The video itself was taken when Shane came out to the Voyageurs. It reveals nothing about the identity of who took it, other than that. The phone had, presumably, been tucked into the persons clothing, or their locker, because it showed nothing but darkness and the quiver of Shane’s voice.
Shane receives texts and calls, but he ignores all of them. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Didn’t want to have to lie and say that he’s fine, this is fine. Didn’t want to have to plaster on some dumb, fake, media smile when he could feel bile rising in his throat.
He didn’t want to hear Scott Hunters pity, didn’t want to hear his mother and Farrah attempt to coax a statement out of him, and he didn’t want to have to face Ilya, either. It was pathetic, probably, to ignore everyone for the sake of his own comfort.
It was probably even more pathetic to go straight to social media to see what people were saying about him.
—
Trending topics:
Shane Hollander
- Trending in Canada
Homophobia within the NHL
- Trending in Canada
Cancel Ilya Rozanov
- Trending in Canada
#IlyaRozanovIsOverParty
- Trending in Canada
—
Hot Hockey ✅ @HotHockeyPodcast
Keep politics out of hockey.
Shane Hollanders love interest @ShaneHollandersBoyfriend
@HotHockeyPodcast: Girl, shut up.
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@HotHockeyPodcast: Oh, so you’re an Ilya Rozanov fan? #IlyaRozanovIsOverParty
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@UnofficialShaneHollander: oh my goodness hop off his dick. also shut the fuck up with that stupid ass tag that stopped being popular in 2017
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@RozanovPleaseNoticeMe: I thought you blocked me? Attention seeking behaviour to be honest. #IlyaRozanovIsOverParty
Secret 5th Hayden Pike Child @shaydenisreal
@HotHockeyPodcast: do you have nothing better to do? also hopping on #IlyaRozanovIsOverParty just cause I don’t like him
Adriana @TopMontrealVoyageursFan
Honestly, the theory that Ilya Rozanov is homophobic wouldn’t be too far-fetched. I mean, when everyone was making statements supporting Scott Hunter, he was weirdly quiet. Not only that, but he continued to chirp the hell out of Hunter afterwards. Hmm… Suspicious if you ask me. #IlyaRozanovIsOverParty
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@TopMontrealVoyageursFan: how about you guys stop being so obsessed with rozanov and go support the guy who just got unwillingly outed to the whole world
MONTRÉAL LOVER @ilovemontreal
being rivals with a gay man is honestly homophobic as hell
Ilya Rozanovs Abs @gulpwowunbelievable
@ilovemontreal: You guys are reaching so hard.
Scott Hunter ✅ @ScottHunterOfficial
I wanted to take a moment to talk about the video released today.
Until there is official confirmation from Hollander, the video is assumed to be fake, and debating about his sexuality is cruel and unfair.
Shane, if the video does happen to be real, both Kip and I support you fully. Having the choice to come out on your own terms being taken away from you is crushing.
Queerness in hockey has always existed, we have always been here, and we all deserve a spot on the ice.
#WeHaveYourBack
Gavin @Hockeyhockeyhockey
@ScottHunterOffical: “debating about his sexuality is cruel” *proceeds to debate his sexuality*
Adriana @TopMontrealVoyaguersFan
@Hockeyhockeyhockey: What are you talking about? He’s clearly just showing support for Shane. Unlike somebody we know…
Haileyyy @itsyourgirlhailey
@ScottHunterOfficial: great statement. Why hasn’t Ilya Rozanov shown his support…🤔
Ilya Rozanovs Top @ilyarozanovisabottom
@ScottHunterOfficial: how many dinosaurs did you know personally and how did the meteor impact your life?
—
This is stupid. The whole situation is stupid.
Shane genuinely could not believe the audacity of some people.
God, it was fucking hard enough to be outed by some ten second clip, but now there were strangers on the internet debating over whether or not his fucking boyfriend is homophobic. These people didn’t know anything about Ilya, and the hollow-minded assumptions were really starting to get to Shane.
He slowly rose off his couch, anxiously pacing around his living room like a maniac. He started to feel his palms grow sweaty.
God, nothing was going according to plan. Why wasn’t anything going according to plan? He and Ilya were supposed to come out on their own terms. They were supposed to come out together. As a couple.
He couldn’t stop pacing, and then his hands were in his hair, and his vision slanted sideways, and his fingernails were suddenly too long, and his mouth was dry, his lungs weren’t pulling in enough air for him to breathe, and his chest hurt like hell, and, and, fuck. He couldn’t fucking breathe, and-
Five things. He needed to find five things he could see.
He could see his couch. He could see the curtains on his windows. The curtains that were shielding him away from the outside world, the reporters and the media and-
His carpet. He could see his carpet. He could see his phone, lighting up with notifications from his family, his friends, people messaging him online, people sending him death threats, people saying disgusting things about Ilya, people spewing nothing but hatred-
He could see his lights – lights that burned his retinas, lights that made him want to scoop his fucking eyes out right now. – He could see his hands, hands that had blood slowly dripping down his fingers, wait, fuck, he’d already picked five things, how fucking stupid was he? How much of a fuck-up was he that he allowed that video to be taken, that he couldn’t even count to five?
Shit. Just- Four things he could see. No, fuck, four things he could hear. Was it hear? Or was it feel? He could feel the pounding of his head, no- that was him hearing pounding on his door. Wait, why was there someone at his door?
Shit, did some crazed fucking fan find his address? Oh god, he was going to fucking die, wasn’t he? Everyone knew about him, and now there were people trying to tear down his door. He could vaguely hear shouting on the other side – shouting that sounded kind of familiar – but he couldn’t make out who or what it was they were saying.
“Leave me alone,” He sobbed out. “Please, just leave me the fuck alone!”
The pounding didn’t stop; it intensified. It intensified, and then his door was being broken, and then there was two people rushing inside. They were shouting, or maybe they were just talking, and Shane was being stupid again; either way, it was loud enough to overwhelm him. He gripped his ears, as if trying to rip them off, maybe he was, he was probably clawing at his ears, sobbing on his floor like some kind of-
Like some kind of pathetic faggot. Like a girl. Normal men didn’t cry and he wasn’t fucking normal. Why couldn’t he just be normal?
“Shane? Shane, can you hear me?”
He groaned. It was too much, the voices. He needed it to stop, now.
“Shane, hey, it’s okay. We’re here, buddy. Jackie, go call Yuna, now.”
No. No, no- She couldn’t know. No. She couldn’t know that he was having a breakdown. Fuck- no- he needed to- he needed-
—
“Shane? Shane, is that you? I’ve been trying to call all morning. Are you okay? What’s going on?”
—
“He’s…I don’t…”
—
“-you get here?”
—
Shane wakes up in his bed. The house is quiet.
Maybe it was a dream. God, he really fucking hoped it was a dream.
When he reached for his phone, though, it was gone. That’s okay. It was really okay. He probably just charged it downstairs, or something. It’s fine.
It was just like any other morning, his phone was charging downstairs, nobody on the internet knew about him, and he really, honestly couldn’t feel blood caked underneath his fingernails.
Shane shifted out of his blankets, and the pounding in his head was tolerable. It was fine.
He tiptoed down the stairs, like a child on Christmas trying to catch Santa. Except it wasn’t Christmas. And there was no Santa down there to catch because he was home alone. Because he didn’t have a panic attack on the floor, because there was no video.
God, who was he kidding? Obviously, he was trying to get down the stairs without Jackie or Hayden hearing, obviously the pounding in his head felt like a jackhammer to the skull, obviously everyone knew his secret.
Obviously, he was a little bitter about the fact that people felt the need to debate over Ilya’s homophobia, rather than saying they supported Shane. It was selfish, sure, but he was allowed to be selfish for once in his goddamn life.
“Shane?”
Nope. Nope. Go back upstairs. Ignore him.
“Shane, hey. Woah, are you okay?”
Shane swallows. Okay. Ignoring him is off the table.
“Yeah I’m-“ He looks down. “I’m fine.” His voice doesn’t crack, and when he looks back up, there definitely aren’t tears in his eyes, and he’s definitely, one hundred percent, fine.
“Hey, let’s just, sit down, alright?” There’s something in Hayden’s voice that makes it impossible to refuse.
So, he does. He sits next to Jackie on the couch; the fabric wasn’t bothering him. It was fine.
“So,” Hayden starts, dumbly. “This is so fucked.”
Tell me about it. Shane thinks, but the words don’t come out. They remain lodged in the back of his throat.
“We, Jackie and I,” Hayden points between him and his wife. “We called Yuna, who called Ilya, and they’re on their way here. Now.”
And that should be fine. His parents and his boyfriend coming to see him should be fine. Shane should be okay with that. Maybe it was the way Hayden said it, or maybe it was the way Shane had spent the entire day trying to convince himself he was okay with what happened.
But it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine. Shane wasn’t fine, nothing about this was fine.
Shane wanted so desperately to say this, to yell, or to scream, or to do anything. Anything that wasn’t just staring dead-eyed into the wall in front of him. He couldn’t, though.
He couldn’t retch out any words to Hayden or Jackie; he could barely even move. He didn’t know how to communicate that he wasn’t okay with this. That he wasn’t okay with how it played out.
That he wasn’t okay.
—
NHL ✅ @NHL
You could say the game between @OttawaCentaurs and @BostonBears last night was #Untamed! 🐻🏒🐎
Watch the full clip of @IlyaRozanovOfficial assisting @LucaHaasOfficial in the winning goal below! 🔥
MONTRÉAL LOVER @ilovemontreal
@NHL: you have bigger fish to fry I think
Shane Hollanders love interest @ShaneHollandersBoyfriend
@NHL: Taking sides already, I see.
Gavin @Hockeyhockeyhockey
@NHL: posting about anything but the video lmao
—
Ilya has been counting the amount of Tim Hortons he’s seen on the way to Montréal.
Actually, no he wasn’t. He’d lost count somewhere between Casselman and Saint Isidore. All he knew was that there were too many.
Ilya didn’t really like how quiet the car was, how it was brimming with anxiety. Atleast now he knew where Shane got it from.
Shane.
“Have either of you guys heard from Shane?” Ilya asks tentatively, almost as if he were talking to the air.
“No.” The Hollanders say, in perfect unison. It would be scary, how in sync they were, if he wasn’t used to it.
Jane
Jane: That goal was so fucking hot.
Yesterday, 19:34
Jane: Mom thinks Marleau’s ribs are bruised.
Yesterday, 19:36
Jane: That was insane. I’m so proud of you.
Yesterday, 20:48
Jane: Call me when you get home.
Yesterday, 20:49
Call ended at 22:28
7 missed calls from Lily
Ilya stares at the messages from yesterday. Briefly, he thanks whatever God is up there for not releasing the audio recording of their call last night. That would’ve been much worse, he thinks.
Hesitantly, he starts typing.
Lily: Shane are you alright?
Today, 13:19
Lily: We will be there soon I think.
Today, 13:19
Ilya wisely decides not to go on social media, and Shane doesn’t respond.
—
Ilya starts to feel the anxiety creep up his neck when they pull into Shane’s driveway.
The Hollanders are contagious, is what Ilya decides.
He doesn’t want to admit that his anxiety comes from a place of fear. Fear for what he might find inside of that house.
Rationally, he knows that he wouldn’t find Shane alone in his bed. Alone, surrounded by expensive vodka and empty prescription pill bottles.
Irrationally, he thinks the scene he is about to walk into will mirror the one from nearly two decades ago.
He almost doesn’t want to go inside.
Almost.
Ilya uncharacteristically trails into the house behind Yuna and David, probably resembling that of a kicked puppy.
That’s how he felt. Like a kicked puppy.
Even more so, when he saw the state Shane was in.
The atmosphere was so tense it sent a shiver down Ilya’s spine. Shane sat on one of the couches, crumpled over, palms digging into his eye sockets.
Immediately, Shane is swamped by Yuna and David. Clearly, they were unable to tell that he was overwhelmed. It made Ilya wonder, for just a second, how they couldn’t tell. Perhaps their concern had overshadowed their observational skills.
They are asking him a million questions, not giving him time to process them. Ilya stands by the door, unsure of what to do with himself.
How does one proceed in this kind of situation? How should he be reacting to Shane being outed to everyone? And not only just outed, but outed by one of his teammates?
If it had happened any other way, Ilya thinks he would have embraced it. Would be posting all over his social media, “Yes I love Shane Hollander (2nd best NHL player), problem?”
But it happened this way. It happened in a way that made the entire internet believe he hated Shane. Not just because they were rivals, but because Shane was gay. Everyone would rather believe that he hated this beautiful, amazing, man for something out of his control than to think, for even just a second, that maybe Ilya actually loved him.
For so long, Ilya had done almost everything in his power to break as many of “life’s rules” as possible. Now, he wished there was a handbook for figuring out where to go from here. Shane probably had an idea. He should call Shane.
He grabbed his phone, before realizing that Shane was right there. Shane was sitting on the couch in front of Ilya, just as clueless as he was.
God, did that realization hit him like a fuck tonne of bricks.
—
They don’t talk that night.
Or, Shane doesn’t talk.
When his parents make dinner, Ilya murmurs to him in Russian. His bogged down mind doesn’t fully understand what he’s saying, but it’s enough for him to take small bites of his food.
He’s pretty sure Ilya is telling him stories, as he ushers Shane into pyjamas and into bed.
There’s a thought, at the back of his mind. This should be embarrassing, that he’s a grown man, and he should be embarrassed that Ilya has to change him.
He’s not, though. When he lays in Ilyas arms, when Ilya is lightly kissing him, when Ilya is whispering reassurance into his ear, it’s the first time he feels fine. The first time he’s felt fine since opening his phone for the first time that morning.
It’s the first time he doesn’t feel an overwhelming pressure to respond, that he’s allowed to just…exist without having to make extreme and possibly career-changing decisions.
As sleep slowly sated Shane’s consciousness, he thought, It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
—
Shane Hollander ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial
By now, I am sure that most of you have seen the video circulating around the internet at the moment. I’m also sure that just as many of you are wondering the authenticity of said video.
I don’t owe anyone any information about my personal life, but after discussing it with my loved ones, I feel it may be important admit this:
It was me in that video. I did really say those things to my teammates, and I did mean them.
I’m no longer afraid to admit that I am gay, but that wasn’t always the case. The rampant homophobia in the locker room and on the ice kept me from wanting to share this information with anyone.
I want every young, queer athlete to know that you are not alone. We all deserve a spot on the ice.
@ScottHunterOfficial @IlyaRozanovOfficial
[Images attached:
A picture of Shane, Ilya, Scott, and Kip at the Kingfisher
A picture of Shane and Ilya on the couch at the cottage
A lower quality picture of Shane in his hockey gear, at age twelve.]
[Comments on this post are restricted]
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanovOfficial
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: ❤️❤️ Still only second best in league ❤️❤️
Scott Hunter ✅ @ScottHunterOfficial
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: I’m proud of you, this kind of thing isn’t easy to go through.
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanovOfficial
@ScottHunterOfficial: Back off, old man. Shane is only into youthful hockey players who can actually score goals.
Scott Hunter ✅ @ScottHunterOfficial
@IlyaRozanovOfficial: Genuinely, what is your problem?
Rose Laundry ✅ @LandrysLaundry
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: Love you two❤️❤️
Pike ✅ @PikeVoyageurs
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: Me, Jackie, and the kids all have your backs!
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanovOfficial
@PikeVoyageurs: We will take Jackie and the kids support. Don’t want to be associated with Voyageurs worst player.
Shane Hollander ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial
@IlyaRozanovOfficial: Don’t be rude, Ilya.
Yuna @YunaHockeyMom
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: I’m so proud of you, Shane. Also, remind Ilya about Sunday dinner. He’s not responding to my texts.
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanovOfficial
@YunaHockeyMom: Sorry. I’ll be there.
Kip @KipGrady
@ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial: okay scott owes me $60
Shane Hollander ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyOfficial
@KipGrady: ?
—
Secret 5th Hayden Pike Child @shaydenisreal
a true captain goes down with his ship.
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@shaydenisreal: you never even had one to begin with
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
ROZANOV????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????
Gavin @Hockeyhockeyhockey
did I wake up in an alternate reality
Hot Hockey ✅ @HotHockeyPodcast
Extremely disappointed. Hockey is becoming woke.
Secret 5th Hayden Pike Child @shaydenisreal
@HotHockeyPodcast: do you ever shut up
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@HotHockeyPodcast: donnntttt careeee
Shane Hollander Updates @UnofficialShaneHollander
@HotHockeyPodcast: Whatever, man.
MONTRÉAL LOVER @ilovemontreal
@HotHockeyPodcast: what a buzzkill
Gavin @Hockeyhockeyhockey
@HotHockeyPodcast: honkshimimimi
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanovOfficial
@HotHockeyPodcast: ☹
daily ilya rozanov @RozanovPleaseNoticeMe
@IlyaRozanovOfficial: ILYA I LOVE YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN