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Seungkwan props his head up with his left hand and uses the first finger on his right hand to draw circles around the rim of the glass in front of him.
The melodic sound is hypnotic and in his drunken state he gets lost in the soft yet repetitive ringing.
Jeonghan and Seokmin are sitting across from him, arguing about something. Seungkwan gave up trying to follow their conversation a while ago, but he’s pretty sure Jeonghan is trying to convince Seokmin that birds are spies for the government. Seungkwan isn’t entirely sure if Jeonghan actually believes this or if he’s just trying to see how gullible Seokmin can be, and at this point Seungkwan is too drunk to care.
His phone sits on the table next to his glass, and it buzzes then lights up with a notification of an incoming text.
Seungkwan glances at it to see Chan’s name pop up then scrunches his nose in annoyance.
He doesn’t want to talk to Chan right now.
Chan is probably out with friends and wants Seungkwan to come join them. Normally Seungkwan would be on board with going out, but right now he doesn’t want to move from his comfortable seat in front of his musical glass.
Seungkwan can’t think of anyone he’d want to talk to in this moment. Who could be more entertaining than a musical glass and the dismayed gasps that Seokmin makes as he realizes he’s never seen a bird at night.
Maybe if Wonwoo called he’d answer. Or Junhui. They never call unless it’s important.
Or Hansol.
Seungkwan always answers Hansol’s calls. He loves talking to Hansol, hearing his calm voice rationalize whatever flurry of anxious thoughts float around Seungkwan’s brain.
Yes, Seungkwan loves talking to Hansol. In fact, he’d love to talk to Hansol right now and tell him exactly how much he loves talking to him.
Seungkwan lifts his head up and stops running his finger around the rim of the glass to reach for his phone.
He unlocks it, ignoring Chan’s heyyyy are you busy rn text and scrolls to Hansol’s number.
He hits call, then puts his phone on speaker so he can put it back down. This way Seungkwan can go back to his musical glass and talk to Hansol at the same time.
Seungkwan has such brilliant ideas.
Seungkwan can hear the phone ring a couple times, then a click as Hansol answers. Seungkwan is already smiling before Hansol says anything.
“Seungkwan? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Okay? Seungkwan is great. Why wouldn’t he be okay?
“Hansollieee,” Seungkwan replies, and yikes, it’s harder to talk than he thought it would be.
“Seungkwan?” Hansol sounds even more worried this time. “Are you drunk? Are you safe? Where are you, is anyone with you? Should I call Jeonghan?”
“Jeonghannie is right here! Hannie, say hi to Hansollie,” Seungkwan commands Jeonghan.
“Hi Hansol!” Jeonghan sounds far more sober than Seungkwan does.
“Hansol, birds are real, right?” Seokmin cuts in. “Hansol would never lie to me,” he continues, staring intently at Jeonghan and Seungkwan.
“What? Yeah, birds are real, Seokmin.”
“Oh good!” Seokmin flops down on the floor and lays a hand over his chest as he stares up at the ceiling of Seungkwan’s apartment.
“Are you all okay? Where are you?” Hansol asks again.
“We’re okay. Just having some drinks at Seungkwannie’s apartment,” Jeonghan tells him.
“I jus called t’say I love you.” Seungkwan is proud of how coherent he managed to sound.
It’s quiet for a moment, then Hansol sighs.
“Okay, make sure you drink some water before you go to bed,” Hansol says, sounding much calmer now.
Seungkwan looks up at the clock above the stove and frowns. It’s 3:17 in the morning. What is Hansol doing up at 3 in the morning?
“Why are you up so late?” He asks Hansol.
Hansol sighs again then says, “because you called me, Boo. I was sleeping.”
Oh. That’s right.
“Go to sleep Hansollie. I love you!”
“Goodnight, Boo,” Hansol replies softly, then hangs up.
After the call ends, Seungkwan flops down on the floor next to Seokmin.
Seokmin rolls his head to look at Seungkwan and asks, “What if I wake up tomorrow and no one knows what birds are except for me?”
Seungkwan closes his eyes.
“….Get out of my house,” he tells Seokmin, and Jeonghan cackles.
Then next time Seungkwan drunk dials Hansol, he’s out at a restaurant with his friends.
It’s a warm summer evening, and Seungkwan, Mingyu, Jeonghan, Seungcheol, and Wonwoo are out celebrating Wonwoo’s birthday.
They’ve been at the restaurant for at least two hours, and are several rounds in. Mingyu keeps throwing himself onto Wonwoo every time he laughs, and he’s found a lot to laugh at. Seungcheol has one arm around Jeonghan’s shoulders and Jeonghan keeps playing with Seungcheol’s other hand, intertwining their fingers and drawing hearts on his palm.
Seungkwan has never felt more like a third wheel than he does right now. Or would it be a fifth wheel? It must still be a third wheel because they’re two different couples, not in a four way polyamorous relationship.
Although Seungkwan’s sure that might have happened in a dream he had one time. But that’s a thought that’s meant to be forgotten about by tomorrow.
Seungkwan looks at the couples in front of him with jealously, and he must be pouting because Wonwoo manages to tear his gaze away from Mingyu.
“What’s wrong, Seungkwannie?” Wonwoo asks as he reaches over to pat the back of Seungkwan’s head.
“I’m single and I’ll be single forever because nobody loves me,” Seungkwan moans and buries his head in his arms.
“Do you want me to set you up with someone?” Seungcheol asks, always ready to do what he can to fix a problem. “There’s a guy I play video games with who’s really nice. He’s a nurse.”
Seungkwan lets out a huff. “No video games. I see how much time you and Wonwoo spend playing, and I hear Mingyu and Jeonghan complain about it all the time.”
Wonwoo raises his eyes at Mingyu who rushes to defend himself, “I don’t complain, I just worry about your eyes.”
“Hmm.” Wonwoo clearly doesn’t buy it, but he turns his attention back to Seungkwan. “What about a photographer? I took a photography class recently and the guy who taught the class was a wedding photographer. We kept in touch after the class so I know he’s single.”
Seungkwan raises his head to narrow his eyes suspiciously at Wonwoo.
“Did you keep in touch because you both play video games?”
“Well…” Wonwoo doesn’t reply, which means yes.
“No video games!”
“Then what are you looking for?” Jeonghan interjects.
“Someone nice,” Seungkwan says instantly. “And calm. I have enough anxiety, so I need someone who can balance that out, not add to it. And he has to love his family. Family is so important.”
“You need to be more specific,” Mingyu tells him. “Everyone wants someone nice. No one goes, find me the meanest, most chaotic person. Bonus points if he never speaks to his family.”
“Mingyu, you always make things so complicated,” Seungkwan bemoans as he slumps back down onto the table.
Then suddenly he pops back up.
“Music! I like music. And food. Food is so good. I could never live without food.”
“Technically no one can live without food,” Mingyu interjects and Seungkwan glares at him again.
“What did I just say about making things complicated? Now is not the time for logic, Kim Mingyu.”
Mingyu opens his mouth, probably to say something logical like finding the right person to date is in fact when someone should be the most logical, but Wonwoo places a hand on his thigh to quiet him.
A drunk Seungkwan is not a rational Seungkwan.
“How about this,” Jeonghan begins.
If Seungkwan were sober he’d notice the knowing glint in Jeonghan’s eye that means he about to cause mischief.
But Seungkwan is currently not sober.
“Out of everyone we know, who would you most like to date? It could even be one of us! Just picture yourself on a date with them and see how you feel. Then we’ll find someone like that person!”
“That’s good,” Seungcheol says, nodding encouragingly. “Go through everyone you know and picture yourself holding hands and walking along the Han river.”
“Start with Chan,” Jeonghan says, and immediately Seungkwan’s face scutches up in disgust. He would never hold hands with Chan. He’d be surprised if Chan washes his hands regularly.
The other four at the table laugh at Seungkwan’s expression and Jeonghan says, “okay, not Chan. He’s probably too much like a little brother. How about… Soonyoung?”
Seungkwan’s face scrunches up again and he drops his head into his hands, feeling a headache coming on at the thought. Soonyoung is fun to be around but he has a lot of energy.
Seungkwan looks up and tells them, “I think if Soonyoung held hands with anyone he’d end up getting distracted and drag them around so he could look at stuff. My shoulder would hurt.” Seungkwan reaches up to rub the phantom pain in his shoulder, and everyone laughs again.
“Okay,” Jeonghan continues. “Someone calmer. What about Jihoon? Or Minghao?”
“Jihoon couldn’t be outside for that long. He would walk for two minutes then make an excuse to go to the gym or back to the studio. But Minghao…” Seungkwan pauses to think.
Seungkwan has no romantic feelings for Minghao himself. But someone with a personality similar to Minghao?
Seungkwan considers it some more.
“Minghao is calm and attentive. He notices little details and gives good advice,” Seungkwan mumbles. Then he says louder to the group, “Someone like Minghao would be closer to what I’d like.”
“Okayyy,” Jeonghan says, and this time Seungkwan notices the small smirk on Jeonghan’s face.
“What about Hansol?”
Hansol? Chwe Hansol?
Seungkwan thinks about holding hands with Hansol while walking along the river and feels… nothing.
No butterflies but also no adverse feelings to the idea.
“Hansol doesn’t count!” Seungkwan concludes. “We’re best friends. I could go hold hands with him right now and it would be normal.”
Jeonghan sighs and leans back in his chair. “I need another beer,” he mutters, and Seungcheol immediately flags down the worker to ask for another round.
“I miss Hansollie,” Seungkwan continues. “It’s been forever since I’ve seen him.”
“Hasn’t it been three days?” Mingyu asks Wonwoo quietly, but Seungkwan pretends not to hear.
“I should call him and tell him I miss him. I’m going to call him.”
Seungkwan digs his phone out of his pocket and goes to Hansol’s number.
He presses call, then puts the phone to his ear.
“Seungkwan? What’s wrong?” Hansol answers right away.
Seungkwan frowns. “Why does something have to be wrong for me to call you?” he asks.
“It doesn’t, it’s just late. Shouldn’t you be in bed by now?”
Seungkwan pulls the phone away from his ear to check the time. It’s now after one in the morning, which means Wonwoo’s birthday is officially over. But that’s beside the point of this conversation.
“I’m out celebrating Wonwoo’s birthday. Wonwoo and Mingyu and Seungcheollie and Jeonghannie are all here,” Seungkwan explains to Hansol.
“Okay, then why did you call?”
“I miss you! I feel so single with all these couples around me. I don’t want to be the only single friend.”
It’s quiet on the other end of the line, and in that moment Jeonghan’s beer arrives. He takes the top off then chugs about half of it at once.
He then sets the bottle on the table and sighs heavily as he shakes his head a little. Seungcheol reaches over to rub Jeonghan’s back reassuringly, and Seungkwan almost cries.
Jeonghan must be tired. It is getting a little late after all. Seungkwan wants someone who will rub his back when he feels tired.
He hears Hansol clear his throat, which pulls his attention back to their conversation.
“I miss you too, Boo,” Hansol says quietly. “But we’ll see each other in a couple days. Drink some water and text me when you get home safely.”
“Okay Hansollie. I love you!” Seungkwan doesn’t hear anything back so he figures Hansol must have hung up already.
He pulls his phone away and is about to end the call when he can hear Hansol quietly say, “Good night, Boo.”
Seungkwan puts his phone down and looks up at the rest of the table.
“Have you noticed how Hansollie never says I love you? He must be one of those people who doesn’t say it to many people.”
Jeonghan chugs the remains of his beer and says, “I can’t do this anymore. Cheollie, let’s go.”
They say their goodbyes before heading out of the restaurant.
Seungkwan looks after them, his chin propped up on one hand.
“Jeonghan must have been tired,” he says, mostly to himself.
Mingyu stares at Seungkwan and says flatly, “We’re all tired, Seungkwan.”
The third time Seungkwan drunk dials Hansol, it’s a disaster.
He was out late with Soonyoung and Chan, and for whatever reason the two of them bring out a competitiveness in Seungkwan he never knew he had.
Seungkwan ended up drinking way more than he meant to, and when he stumbles into his apartment he has to lie down on the couch.
He stares up at the ceiling and wonders if it will ever stop spinning. He thinks about life, the purpose of if and his place in it. Why is he here? Why was he born? Why was he born here in this place and time?
This is the type of conversation he’d usually have with Hansol. Hansol is good at taking Seungkwan’s thoughts that make no sense and turning them into something real.
Seungkwan flails his arm around in search of his phone. He finds it on the floor next to the couch and figures it must have fallen out of his pocket when he laid down.
He calls Hansol, then puts the phone on his chest so he can continue staring up at the ceiling while he talks to Hansol.
“Hey Seungkwan, what’s up? I’m in the middle of something so I can’t talk long.”
Suddenly Seungkwan feels a lot more sober.
In the middle of something? Hansol has never been in the middle of something. He always has time to talk to Seungkwan.
But what if he doesn’t always have time to talk to Seungkwan? What if he’s just appeasing Seungkwan and only talks to him because he feels bad? What if he’s doesn’t actually like Seungkwan and their entire friendship has been one sided this whole time?
“Seungkwan? Are you there?” Hansol sounds more worried now.
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Seungkwan clears his throat. “It’s nothing that important. What are you up to?”
“I’m out with someone. We’re at the movies and it’s about to start.”
Out? At the movies? Is Hansol on a date?
“Oh! I’m sorry to bother you. I was just drunk and wanted to talk. But it’s not important! I’ll see you on Monday anyways.”
Hansol sighs deeply. “Seungkwan,” he starts, speaking slowly. “I think you need to stop calling me when you’re drunk. If you ever need help then yes, please call me, but otherwise I think it’s time to break this habit you’re getting into.”
“Oh.”
Seungkwan can feel his eyes prickle with tears. He never meant to be a bother. He only wants to talk to Hansol and tell him how much he loves him.
“Okay. I’ll be sure to do that. Enjoy your movie!” Seungkwan tries to sound cheerful, like his heart isn’t breaking. “I’ll talk to you later. I-“ his voice catches. “I love you.”
He hangs up before Hansol can respond, then turns his head up to the pillow and lets out a sob.
“I love you.”
Hansol hears the beep that signifies the end of a call, and pulls his phone down from his ear to look at the blank screen.
His heart feels heavy.
Seungkwan only says I love you to Hansol when he’s drunk. Whenever they hang out sober Seungkwan acts like the platonic best friend he is.
Hansol can’t take it anymore.
He can’t take the whispers of hope every time Seungkwan says those three little words.
It’s best if he never hears those words again so he can finally move on.
Hansol puts his phone back into his pocket and goes back into the theater. He dragged Joshua to watch this movie with him, and he’ll never hear the end of it from Joshua if he misses a single second.
Hansol isn’t sure what he did wrong, but he knows for certain he did something.
It’s been a week since his last phone call with Seungkwan, and he’s pretty sure Seungkwan is avoiding him.
They’ve been busy, but Seungkwan hasn’t sat next to him or stolen his food or recommended a new song to him all week.
Seungkwan hasn’t been completely silent though. He still talks when Hansol initiates a conversation.
But he’s been… polite. Hansol never thought he’d describe Seungkwan as polite, and he definitely doesn’t like this version of Seungkwan.
Seungkwan feels cold, and he’s never cold. Seungkwan is warm, like the sun on Jeju Island and the cozy scarfs he wears. He’s always larger than life, and his smile always brighten up the room.
But now he’s quiet. Professional. Polite.
Cold.
Another week passes like this before Hansol starts to panic.
He doesn’t know how to fix this. He wants to apologize but he doesn’t know what to apologize for.
Hansol wants to ask someone for help, but he’s not entirely sure what exactly he needs help with.
One evening, Mingyu sends the address of a restaurant to the group text with the message cheol and I will be here if anyone wants to join!
Wonwoo and Jeonghan are in Paris for fashion week, so that means Seungcheol and Mingyu are probably going to get drunk and talk about how must they miss their better halves.
Hansol stares at the message for a bit before replying he’ll be there in 10.
Usually he would never join those two in their current state, but they actually might be helpful to him right now.
Hansol also currently has a boy he’s missing.
A couple hours later, Hansol is drunk.
Seungcheol, Mingyu, Seokmin, and Junhui are also there, and they are also drunk.
Seokmin has his face pressed to the glass window of the restaurant, hoping to see a bird at night. Whatever that means. Now that Hansol thinks about it, Seokmin has been weirdly obsessed with birds lately.
Seungcheol and Mingyu keep talking about Jeonghan and Wonwoo respectively, and Junhui keeps eyeing Hansol suspiciously.
“What is it?” Hansol finally asks Junhui.
“Why are you and Seungkwan so sad lately?” Junhui asks.
Hansol has to struggle not to spit out the sip of beer he just took.
“You noticed that?” Hansol asks.
Junhui rolls his eyes.
“Of course I noticed! We all noticed.” He looks at Seungcheol and Mingyu who both nod in affirmation.
“I don’t know what happened. Everything was normal and then he just stopped talking to me,” Hansol confesses. “I want to apologize but I don’t know what to apologize for.”
“Tell us everything,” Junhui says, and even Seokmin turns from his bird watching to focus on Hansol.
Hansol tells them what he told Seungkwan the last time they spoke on the phone, and it’s silent for a moment.
Then Junhui hits him on the arm, hard.
“Ow!” Hansol exclaims. “What was that for?”
“That was for being an idiot!” Junhui says, and the other three nod solemnly.
“You basically told him you were on a date and to not call you anymore! Seungkwan is probably wondering if you’re the one mad at him!”
“What? I never said I was on a date! I was with Joshua. And why would I ever be mad at Seungkwan? I’ve never been mad at him.”
“We know that but he doesn’t,” Mingyu says.
“Call him right now,” Junhui demands. “Call him and tell him you weren’t on a date.”
Hansol gets out his phone and dials Seungkwan’s number.
It rings and rings, and just when Hansol is about to give up, Seungkwan answers.
“Hello?” Seungkwan’s voice is small and hesitant, and Hansol’s heart clenches.
“I wasn’t on a date,” Hansol blurts out.
“Okay?”
“That time you called. I was at the movies with Joshua. I made him go with me. I wasn’t on a date.”
“Hansol, I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to say.”
“You only tell me you love me when you’re drunk,” Hansol tries to explain.
“Hansol, are you drunk right now?” Seungkwan asks.
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I know I told you not to call me when you’re drunk but that’s just because you only tell me you love me when you’re drunk. And I want to hear it when you’re not drunk but you’ll never feel that way and it makes me sad.” To Hansol’s horror he feels tears begin to prickle his eyes.
Junhui grabs the phone away from Hansol.
“Seungkwan? It’s Junhui.”
Junhui talks to Seungkwan for a while, and Hansol sits in his chair and tries not to cry.
Mingyu comes over to sit next to him and wraps him in a giant hug. Mingyu always gives the best hugs. After Seungkwan of course. Seungkwan’s hugs might be Hansol’s favorite thing in the world.
After a few minutes, Junhui ends the call and hands the phone back to Hansol.
“Seungkwan is on his way,” he says, and Hansol looks up, horrified.
“What? No, he can’t see me like this!”
Junhui pats the small section of Hansol’s shoulder that isn’t currently covered by Mingyu’s giant biceps.
“It’s for the best. You two need to talk.”
Mingyu pulls back to wipes Hansol’s tears as he nods.
Seungcheol hands Hansol a glass of water that he sips on while they wait for Seungkwan to arrive.
Hansol notices the instant Seungkwan steps through the door of the restaurant.
He has a giant hoodie on and he looks like he’s trying to make himself look smaller than he is.
Hansol stands up, and Seungkwan greets him with a small smile before walking over to their table.
Hansol and Seungkwan stand awkwardly for a moment while the other four look up at them.
“Maybe you guys should take a walk,” Seungcheol suggests.
“We could go walk along the river,” Hansol suggests, and Seungkwan glares at Seungcheol for a split second before smiling shyly at Hansol.
“Okay,” Seungkwan agrees and they leave the restaurant.
It’s quiet for the first few minutes of their walk.
Usually Seungkwan is the one to fill their silences, but Hansol realizes this time it will have to be up to him.
He decides to get to the point.
“I like you. A lot. I have for a long time. I was too scared to say anything because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”
Seungkwan looks at him with a smile that looks almost sad, and Hansol’s heart stops.
Is Seungkwan about to reject him?
“I honestly never really thought about you as more than a friend until I thought you were on a date that time I called. At first I thought I was upset because I thought you were on a date without telling me about it first. But then I realized it was because I was jealous.”
“Are you saying you’d like to go on a date something?” Hansol asks, his heart hammering in his chest.
“Yes.” Seungkwan says simply. He reaches over to grab Hansol’s hand as they continue their walk along the Han River.
“Does this mean I get to call you and tell you how much I love you whenever I get drunk again?” Seungkwan asks, leaning in to rest his head on Hansol’s shoulder.
“Yes,” Hansol says with a laugh. “Please. Feel free to drunk dial me whenever you want.”