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The coldness of the water shook him, instead of the numbing he’d hoped for. His body- each part of it, was screaming. He couldn’t breathe, not like he wanted to breathe, but that didn’t make his lungs feel any less afflicted. It was uncomfortable, no, it was painful. Perhaps for the good. To feel alive for once. Hopefully for the last time.
Colin plunged into the water and put all his might into saving the son of his deceased boss. Of course, he believed he was acting for his good. What he was actually doing was inadvertently taking away the final chance at relief from him. But who could blame him? How would he know that Kendall Roy’s already unfortunate fate was now going to one worse than death?
Or so he thought, at least.
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Kendall thanked Colin, and assured him that yes, he most certainly was alright, despite what the poor bodyguard had just witnessed. He bought both of them new suits in exchange for Colin keeping his silence over the matter. They went to his apartment; he had no other place to go. He didn’t know what he would do now. He had had plenty of experiences with breakdowns, but this was so great that his mind couldn’t even process it well. Maybe it was time to take the cocaine out of the stash again?
As he waited in the elevator, the reality of the moment choked him. It’s done…it really is done. He did not have it. He was never going to have it. His father showed him false dreams, and he believed them, doing everything he could to prove himself worthy of it. But he wasn’t worthy. He was just a fool, running around, feeling like a destined hero when in truth, he looked like a clown. They were all bullshit, weren’t they? Rome was right.
It was only appropriate that all the insults came back to him-
“You are nothing. You are a fucking nobody.”
“I spoiled you. You’re curdled cream. Maybe you should collect sports cars or write a book. But for the world? Nah.”
“You’re my son. I tried my best, and whenever you fucked up, I cleaned your shit. And I’m a bad person? Fuck off, kiddo.”
He looked at his phone. The photo seemed to change ever so slightly each time he saw it. Kendall Logan Roy. Underlined or crossed-out? He considered whether to delete it or not.
As he walked out the elevator, it felt like weights were tied to his feet. Someone was at the end of the corridor. The door to the apartment was open. For a second, he thought that tears were blurring his vision. But then he saw clearly. It was Rava.
His heart leapt into his mouth. ‘Hey…’
‘The kids wanted to bid goodbye to you, so I brought them, and the housekeeper said you would be back soon so I waited. We have to leave in half an hour, so do it quickly, please,’ she spoke flatly.
‘Thank you. Rava. Thank- ‘
She walked away before he could say more.
He dried his eyes and nose and went inside. Sophie and Iverson had grown up more than he had expected. Or had he just seen them so sparingly? Their faces shined when they saw him. But this time, they didn’t run to him. They had become too mature for that.
Out of habit, he knelt down for them; although they clearly didn’t need it anymore. ‘Hi guys, how are you?’ he said sweetly, hoping they wouldn’t be angry.
‘We wanted to say goodbye,’ said Sophie. ‘We’ll miss you.’
‘I’ll miss you too, sweetie.’ He looked at her innocent face. Did she know that days ago her father had called the election for a man who wanted to make life difficult for her? Probably she did. But she was nice to not bring it up.
‘How was the vote, dad?’ said Iverson, taking Kendall aback. ‘It was…fine, buddy.’
‘Do you have the company now?’
He swallowed, trying hard to not let his throat close up. He considered avoiding the question, but then looked at the innocent face of his son, and something hit him that made him decide against it. ‘No. I do not.’
Iverson responded with a frown. ‘So are you sad?’
‘Yes, I am a little sad.’ He chuckled softly, running his hands through his son’s hair. He sighed, then spoke- not knowing whether to Iverson or his own self. ‘But you know what? It’s ok.’
The kids looked up to their father.
‘Yeah,’ he said casually. ‘Isn’t your dad capable of cooler things?’
Sophie giggled. Iverson seemed more serious, but also agreed. ‘You’re my hero, dad.’
‘Oh, really? Thank you, buddy.’
‘I want to be like you when I grow up.’
He smiled, a little sadly. Putting an arm around Iverson’s shoulder, he said, ‘That is very sweet of you, but you know what? I don’t want you to be like me. No. I want you to be better than me.’
Iverson stared at him.
‘And, I…I know that wherever you’ll go, you’ll go on to become great young men-’
‘And women,’ cut Sophie.
‘Yes, thank you, Sophie,’ Kendall chuckled and put his other arm around her. ‘And women. You’ll do great things; things I might have wanted to do but could not. And, uh…whatever you do, please know that I shall always support you. Whenever you may need me, I shall be there. I know that I haven't been…and I’m so sorry. I-I should’ve known better. I should’ve known better than anyone how important it was for me to be there with you.’
The kids’ eyes grew sad as they listened to him.
‘But now, I will. I swear- I mean, I promise,’ he said, eliciting a laugh from them. ‘I promise.’
He then seriously looked at them. ‘Because if you try to be me, then you won’t be you anymore. And you…are everything to me. Everything. You understand?’
They nodded their heads. Kendall knew they were, in fact, not understanding. But that was the point. They should never have to understand. Because he did.
Sophie and Iverson hugged him tightly. He paused, then hugged them back. As tightly as he could. Rava watched them from a corner. He extended his hand toward her, smiling. Not proudly. Apologetically. She gazed at him, as if considering whether to hold it or not.
‘Can I come in too?’ she said, and he could swear her lips curved just a bit.
‘Of course!’ said Sophie sweetly. The mother joined them and gave the father a pat on his shoulder. He looked at her and hung his head.
From the window, he could catch a faint glimpse of Waystar. It was sharp, glassy, indifferent.
A throne that shall never be his…
A cross he shall never bear…
He shut his eyes. Sophie’s soft hair brushed his hand. Iverson breathed against his chest. Their joint hug felt slightly stiff, slightly strange. But it was warm. Much warmer than that underline or its creator had ever been.