Chapter Text
The wind is colder than I expected
Too cold
It cuts through my hair
The Han River stretches endlessly beneath me, dark and slow, reflecting the blurred city lights
I rest my hands on the railing and take a deep breath
In.
Out.
My lungs burn a little. Or maybe that's just my chest doing what it's been doing for months now, aching for no reason at all
My phone vibrates again in my hand
I don't want to look
I look anyway
HAN WHERE ARE YOU??
Jisung-ah???
Please answer our calls...
Are you okay?
You've been gone for HOURS!! What happened??
Please come home...
Hannie... I miss you
The messages stack on top of each other, one panic layered over another. Chan. Changbin. Hyunjin. Seungmin. Felix. Jeongin. Minho.
My throat tightens
I exhale slowly, the breath coming out shaky
"I'm sorry" I whisper, even though none of them can hear it
My thumb hovers over the screen. Missed calls. Voicemails. More messages coming in. My name over and over again like they're trying to pull me back
My head hurts
Everything hurts
It's funny
I have seven people who love me. Millions of fans who cheer for me. A career people would kill for
So why does it feel like I'm suffocating?
I press the power button
The screen goes black
I stare at my reflection in it for a second, pale, tired eyes, a face that doesn't look like it belongs to someone who's supposed to be happy
"...Useless thing" I murmur
My fingers loosen
The phone slips from my hand
For half a second, I regret it
Then it's gone
It hits the river with a dull, hollow sound and disappears beneath the surface like it never existed. The water swallows it whole, ripples spreading outward, slow and quiet
I lean forward, watching the circles fade
Just like that
That's all it takes for something to vanish...
The city keeps moving behind me. Cars pass. People laugh somewhere far away. Life continues like nothing just ended
I close my eyes
I can't do this anymore
I can't keep waking up with a chest full of dread
I can't keep smiling when my head is screaming
I can't keep pretending I'm okay when my own thoughts feel like knives
It's so loud inside me
Every mistake I've ever made
Every word I shouldn't have said
Every moment I wasn't enough
They play on repeat, over and over, until I don't even know which thoughts are real anymore
I press my forehead against the cold metal railing
"I'm tired" I whisper
So tired
And stupidly... the first thing my mind does isn't think about dying
It thinks about him
My chest tightens in a different way
Why am I thinking about him now?
I close my eyes
It's pointless anyway
It's all over
Still... my mind drifts, back to a time when none of this hurt yet
Back to a practice room
Back to my younger self
Back to the first time I ever saw him
STAY tuned...