Work Text:
Can you see him tired and shivering?
He’s stumbling through the day
Can you see his lips are quivering?
Like he’s forgotten how to pray
Can you see the way he’s powerless?
She’s absorbing all the blows
And who will now take care of us?
In the hills and valleys
The highs and lows
The harsh, unwelcome drone of the monitor’s flatline seemed to suck the life out of everyone in the room as it left the body of the man on the table. Hands hovered and breaths held and eyes widened in the frozen hypnosis of the moment. In the room next to them a mother cried over her baby. On the other side a man exchanged harsh words over a phone call explaining why he was running late. But in this room, in this moment, time stood still. Nothing felt quite intrusive enough to pierce through the deafening silence of loss.
My fault. My fault. Myfaultmyfaultmyfault. It droned through Frank Langdon’s head like a mantra. He imagined he could see it etched accusatorily into Robby’s face as he told them there was nothing more to do. He projected it onto the pity of Dana’s gaze and into the tears in Perlah’s eyes. He didn’t know how, he hadn’t yet decided why, but he felt deep in his soul that if he had just been better, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he hadn’t stolen those pills back then. Maybe if he had been around those months he was gone. Maybe if he was just a better doctor overall. The details didn’t matter; Frank blamed himself regardless of any logic. Without a word he turned from the room, exiling himself from the people surrounding him in a rush of self hatred. They could handle it without him; Robby hadn’t been shy about reminding him when he came back from leave that they had done so just fine in the months he had been gone.
He didn’t look up as he walked to the break room, not wanting to see the expressions he was imagining on the faces of anyone he might come across. Frank used his height to his advantage and crossed the emergency department floor in a few long strides, locking the break room door behind him. It was selfish, but he didn’t have it in him to plaster a neutral expression on his face for whoever might come in to grab a coffee. It had been a while since he felt like this much of a fuck up. He had worked through a lot of shame and guilt in rehab and kept up with it in therapy. Even Robby’s cutting glances and accusations didn’t flay him open like they used to once he learned to see what was really behind the anger. But this was his first major loss since being back, and it was like all that went out the window. Myfaultmyfaultmyfault.
Frank sank down against the far wall, knees pressed to his chest and head in his hands. His breathing was coming in shallow pants and he knew this was what the start of a panic attack looked like, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything with that knowledge in the moment. His hands shook in a way they hadn’t since he was in the throes of withdrawal and he carded them back roughly through his hair. The room around him looked blurry and he pressed his face into his knees as he tried to remember how to breathe. He couldn’t quite get it under control and when the dizziness set in he began to panic in earnest. He failed as a doctor and now he was failing at the simple act of fucking breathing. Distantly, he registered a gentle pop followed by a quiet click. He was too busy trying not to pass out to think too hard about it, but then there was a warm body sitting against the wall next to him and the faint scent of honey and vanilla that just barely broke through the sterile, antiseptic smell of the hospital.
“Frank?” Her soft voice sounded far away, not quite breaking through the deluge of shame and panicked self doubt that threatened to drown him. He wondered if he was imagining it. Maybe he was, because why would she be there? Why would anybody? He doubted his coworkers had even noticed he had left the room. They had plenty of other things to do anyway.
“Hey” Mel said gently, trying again. “You okay?”
A strangled, desperate cry is all that Frank could manage. It would have been embarrassing if he had it in him to be embarrassed. As it was he was still fighting not to pass out.
“Okay…it’s okay” she soothed. “I’m going to touch you now, alright?”
He thought he nodded but he wasn’t sure. He must have though, because then there were arms around him and the swishing of her scrubs against the linoleum as she adjusted the way she was sitting to accommodate his awkwardly hunched frame as he collapsed against her. She pulled him gently into her chest, tucking his head under her chin like he was a little boy and not a grown mad crying on the break room floor at his job.
“Breathe with me Frank” she instructed, firmly enough to get him to listen but still with a gentleness that washed over him like a balm. He could feel her breathing deepen, exaggerating her respirations just enough to encourage him to mimic the rise and fall of her chest. He tried his best to follow along, her string of praise and reassurances as he did so cutting through his internal monologue of myfaultmyfaultmyfault.
“There you go…just like that…you’re doing so good…I’ve got you…you’re okay…” she said over and over, and it sunk into the cracks in his heart until he was almost able to believe her.
He fell into a sort of trance as her hands soothed a path up and down his back and her reassurances chased away the desperate, panicked feeling that had overtaken him.
“You okay?” She asked softly as his breathing evened out.
He was able to nod this time.
“It’s not your fault, Frank.” she said gently, and he said nothing.
“Frank, hey” she tilted his chin up so he had no choice but to look at her, tears still streaming unchecked down his face. “It’s not your fault.” She repeated.
“I know that, logically I…I think I know that.” He responded unsteadily.
“No Frank, I mean it. It’s not your fault. I know I wasn’t in the room, but there is absolutely nothing you could have done. There is nothing anyone could have done. Everyone but you sees that.” she told him.
“No they don’t, Mel. They…if I could have been better…done more…”
“You see that in them because it’s what you’ve decided is true, not because it is. Sometimes these things just…happen. No one blames you for Louie’s death. Not Dana, not Perlah, not Robby, not a single person out there thinks this had anything to do with you.” She said again.
Frank shrugged, and then felt hands on either side of his face, forcing his gaze up to her again.
“Frank, look at me. It is not your fault.” She said firmly, and he felt a fresh onslaught of tears prick his eyes at the sincerity in her honey brown eyes. She wiped them away with her thumbs. “You are an amazing doctor. The people you treat are lucky to have you here. We are all lucky to have you here. We need you. I need you.”
“Okay” he breathed, and he believed her this time. He couldn’t help but believe her; she sounded so sincere and Mel King was not a liar. He extricated himself from her hold and leaned back against the wall again, regaining his composure. She mirrored his pose, waiting him out as he came back down from the last of the emotional tidal wave that had pulled him under.
“You can’t save everyone. It doesn’t make you a bad doctor, it makes you human.” She told him then. “I know you know that, but I find that sometimes it helps to hear someone else say it.”
“It does.” Frank nodded. “Thank you, Mel.”
After a moment his brow furrowed in confusion, his brain finally fully coming back to itself and catching up to the moment. “How did you get in here, anyway. I thought I locked the door?”
“You did.” Mel said simply. “But the hospital has shitty locks” she elaborated, holding up a bent bobby pin that must have previously been in her hair.
An unexpected laugh burst out of him at that, but her face grew serious again.
“You didn’t leave me alone when I was in here struggling with myself, back on my first day. I wasn’t about to leave you in here alone either.” Mel told him.
Frank took her hand then, helping her up as he stood and pulling her into a proper hug once they were on their feet.
“Thank you, Mel” he said into her hair, though it felt inadequate to express the entirety of what it meant to him. What she meant to him.
“Always” she answered, and he believed her then too.
All I know is you need someone
In the by and by
Need someone who is gonna cry for you Yeah you need someone
In the by and by
Need someone who is gonna cry for you
Need someone
Need someone
In the by and by
Need someone who is gonna cry for you