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It was getting cold. Winter was nearly upon Paris, as proven by the falling temperatures at night, but Adrien didn’t care. Not tonight. He stayed exactly where he was, staring blankly at the playground. Earlier today, kids had been playing. He’d enjoyed watching them. But as the sun began to set, parents had arrived to collect their kids. And now, the playground was empty. Kind of like his brain.
He heard someone coming before he saw them, and he hunched his shoulders. He didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t even want to talk to Plagg – and for once, Plagg had taken the hint. He was all curled up in Adrien’s shirt pocket, a small ball of warmth against the creeping chill. The last time Adrien had checked, Plagg was snoozing away and muttering about cheese.
A branch cracked behind him, and then a familiar voice said, “Well, that was obnoxiously loud. I guess I don’t have to announce my presence.”
“What - Chloé?” Adrien said with genuine surprise, twisting around.
It was, indeed, Chloé Bourgeois standing there. She was wearing a long white jacket that belted tightly around her slim waist, jeans, and knee-high black boots. Adrien stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded. Ironically, Chloé was probably the only person who would have known to find him here, but she was also the very last person that Adrien had expected to see.
“What’s up, Adrikins?” Chloé said with a wry smile, striding forward. She lifted her hand, and he realized too late she was holding something, and then she promptly dumped that something on his head.
“Hey!” Adrien said, belatedly realizing that she’d dropped a jacket on him. He pulled it off, frowning in confusion, but it was too chilly to refuse the offer. He slipped the jacket on and pulled it closed around his midsection, shivering, as Chloé sat down beside him.
“So Ladybug came to see me,” Chloé said, crossing one leg over the other and then folding her hands in her lap. “She was pretty upset.”
“Did she,” Adrien said softly, shocked. Ladybug had never made it a secret of how much she hated Chloé. She must have been genuinely concerned about him for to her to go to Chloé. For a moment, he felt a little guilty. He hadn’t meant to make anyone worry about him. He just needed some time.
“Adrien.” Chloé looked at him. She had her hair down today to accommodate the white beret she was wearing. Several strands were framing her face. It made her look softer, more approachable. The urge to spill everything to her surged inside of him.
“I’m not human,” Adrien said before he could stop himself. His voice cracked, much to his embarrassment. He paused and swallowed, trying to get himself under control.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” she said quietly.
“No, I want to,” Adrien said, only realizing how true that was after it was out. It still took him a moment longer to find the words, but finally he told her what happened. How he’d seen Ladybug approaching the mansion, and curiosity had driven him to find out what she was up to. Though Félix and Amélie were staying at the mansion for a short time while Amélie looked for a place for them to live in Paris, he still hadn’t expected to find Ladybug talking to Félix.
He’d known that eavesdropping was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help himself. Ladybug didn’t like Félix either, so the curiosity over what they could possibly be talking about had driven Adrien to put his ear to the door to listen. That was when he’d heard the two of them discussing the truth about Adrien and Félix. He’d leaned a little too hard against the door in his shock and it opened, spilling Adrien into the room. The moment of shocked silence had enabled Adrien to run, leaving only the sound of Ladybug screaming his name behind him. Mercifully, he hadn’t run into Gabriel or Nathalie on his way out. Then he’d just... walked. Aimlessly at first, then, recognizing where he was, with more purpose, until he found himself here.
Chloé was quiet for a long moment after he was done talking. Adrien chanced a glance at her and saw that she looked troubled by what he’d said. He figured that meant Ladybug hadn't told her the whole story then. That wasn't too surprising given the relationship between them, but again he found himself wondering why Ladybug had sought out Chloé to help.
"She couldn't find you," Chloé said, and he blinked, realizing that he must have asked that question out loud without realizing.
"Wait, she looked?" he said, startled, and Chloé shrugged.
"I think so. I mean - the way she made it sound, I was truly a last resort," she said, sounding a little melancholic. "She said she looked everywhere, went to all your friends... I don't know why I thought of this place." She looked around at the little park.
Adrien looked around too. This playground, small as it was, was the closest one to Le Grand Paris. When he and Chloé were kids, they used to sneak off to play here all the time. But when Adrien was eleven, the city had opened a newer, much bigger playground a couple blocks over. This one had become much less popular after that. Now it was hidden by a thick tangle of brush you had to push through to get in here. Anyone just walking away would think it was a little grove of trees, not a place for kids to have fun.
If Ladybug had looked for him by yoyo, she never would have found him here, he thought. That was one of the reasons why he'd chosen to come here. This place held some pretty happy memories, and it was also convenient when he didn't really want to see anyone - and when he especially didn't want to see Ladybug. The knowledge that she'd known and hidden so much from not only him, but from Chat Noir as well, burned in his chest like a tiny painful fire. It made him wonder what else she was hiding.
"Well, now you know. I'm not human," Adrien said bitterly, the words sitting heavily on his heart.
"Adrien," Chloé said softly.
"What? It's the truth," Adrien said. He crossed his arms over his chest. Part of him wanted to cry. But another part of him was just angry. Angry at his mother, angry at his aunt, and angry at Ladybug. He was so tired of lies and mistruths.
Chloé sighed and edged a little closer to him. "Maybe you're not," she said slowly. "But you were loved."
"What?" Adrien glanced at her in surprise. Chloé met his gaze steadily.
"Your mother wanted you so badly that she was willing to use a broken miraculous to get you, right?" she said. "She wanted you, Adrien. She loved you. Doesn't that count for something?"
"Does it?" Adrien asked tiredly. "I feel like I don't know anything anymore."
"I think it does. Your mother loved you so much she went to any lengths to have you. My mother hates me. Honestly, most days I'm not even sure why she had me," Chloé admitted, and she sounded so remarkably calm about that, that the protest that had sprung to Adrien's lips died unvoiced.
"Chloé..." he whispered.
"I'm not trying to make this the depression Olympics," she said, waving her hand dismissively. "I'm just saying. That kind of love means something."
Adrien didn’t say anything for a moment, giving himself the chance to think that through. He supposed that maybe Chloé had a point. Émilie Agreste had been a really good mom. She’d more than made up for Gabriel’s controlling, stiff nature. He’d grown up knowing that his mother loved him with all her heart. But that was a part of what made all of this so hard too. He wished he could ask Émilie what she’d been thinking. Had she known the risks? Would she do it again?
And then there was the other side of this. The thing that Adrien had been struggling with for a while now. The thought that it could be connected to him being an amok was absolutely terrifying beyond all belief, but it also made so much sense that he didn’t see how it couldn’t be. He hadn’t talked to anyone about it, not even Plagg, because saying it out loud made it feel too real. But now knowing that he was an amok, he was bursting to tell someone.
His hand was resting on the bench between them. Chloé’s hands were still folded in his lap. Now, wordlessly, Adrien turned his hand palm side up and held it out. He held his breath, not daring to look at Chloé, half-afraid of her response. He didn’t breathe until he felt her hand sliding into his. She intertwined their fingers and squeezed his hand tight. Adrien squeezed back, staring straight ahead.
“I think I was made wrong,” he said unsteadily. “I think – there’s something wrong with me.”
“What do you mean?” Chloé asked, and Adrien exhaled shakily.
“I don’t like the thought of a relationship,” he whispered. “I’m not interesting in kissing anyone, or having sex, or going on dates, or any of that stuff. Just the thought of it makes me feel weird. It has for a long time now.”
Chloé paused, and then said, “What about Ladybug?”
Ladybug.
She was the issue, and Chloé had no idea by just how much. When Adrien thought about all the times he’d made a fool of himself over Ladybug as Chat Noir, he was embarrassed. He thought it said something about Ladybug that she’d never truly lost her temper with him despite all of his increasingly cheesy attempts to win her heart. But at the time he had really thought that he was in love with her, and the only way he’d known how to show it was to model his behavior after the heroes in anime, manga, books, and other media he’d consumed over the years.
But after Ladybug had pushed some space between them by giving more and more team members their miraculous on a permanent basis, he’d started to realize that maybe he wasn’t in love after all. Rena Rouge and Carapace, for example, were head over heels for each other. They kissed and hugged and held hands and talked about their dates, which often left Chat feeling awkward and, if he was being honest, a bit empty.
“I admire her,” Adrien said finally. “I think she’s amazing. I’m in awe of everything she does for the city. I think I confused that with being in love. Does that make sense?”
“I think so,” Chloé said thoughtfully. “You know, people say that everyone in the city is a little bit in love with Ladybug. But we know that’s not true. They feel the same way that you do. They admire her. So I can see why you got confused about it.”
Adrien looked at her gratefully, squeezing her hand. He’d been afraid that Chloé would make fun of him or think that he was stupid for not having figured it out sooner. He kind of thought she still would if he told her about all the silly, embarrassing stunts he’d pulled as Chat to get Ladybug’s attention, but that would be deserved. He just hadn’t known how to otherwise express emotions that he didn’t really feel.
"But I don't see what that has to do with you being made wrong," Chloé went on, furrowing her eyebrows in puzzlement, and Adrien sighed.
"Isn't it obvious? I can't fall in love with anyone, Chloé. I can’t love anything. I don't even want to have sex. I think that the Peacock miraculous made me wrong," he said. Speaking his greatest fear out loud made him feel a little dizzy. He didn't know what he'd do if Chloé agreed with his theory. If he was an amok gone wrong, then who know what else could happen?
But Chloé looked at him like he was stupid, and said, "Adrien, that makes no sense."
"Doesn't it?" Adrien said.
"No, it absolutely doesn't. For one thing, you love lots of things," Chloé said. "You love your father and your mother. You love your friends. You love playing video games. You love stray cats. You love sleeping in on the weekend when you get the chance." She leaned in, forcing him to meet her gaze. "There's a lot of love in you, Adrien Agreste. Just because it doesn't come out the way you want it to doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you."
"But - " Adrien began, but Chloé didn't give him a chance. She was on a roll.
"And furthermore," she went on. "Your theory completely falls apart. Maybe you don't feel any of those things, but Félix sure does, right? A couple of weeks ago, I saw him and Kagami making out in the park." She made a face. "It was pretty gross, not gonna lie. I saw parts of Kagami I'd rather not have seen..."
Adrien frowned slightly. He hadn't considered Félix in his theory. Then he said, "But maybe Félix was made right and I wasn't."
"Now what kind of sense does that make?" Chloé countered. "You and Félix are basically twins. You were born just three days apart. That, to me, suggests that your mom and your aunt, you know, 'made' you both together. And if they did that, then what are the chances that one of you would be made wrong and one would be made right? Sure there's a small chance. But it's much more likely that you were both made exactly the same."
"I didn't think about it like that," Adrien said slowly. "But - but then why I am like this?" He looked up at her desperately, and Chloé's face softened.
"We're all different, Adrien," she said softly. He'd never heard Chloé sound so gentle and so kind. "There are lots of people like you out there. One of them even used to be in our class. Alix, remember?"
"She was aromantic," Adrien recalled. After they got to lycée, Madame Bustier's class had been chopped up into five different homeroom classes. Adrien hadn't shared a class with Alix for a long time. Until Chloé mentioned her, he'd completely forgotten that Alix had come out as aromantic while they were all in collége.
“Yeah, she was,” Chloé said with a nod.
“But at least Alix was still okay with sex. I don’t even want that,” Adrien said glumly.
"You and Alix are different," Chloé reminded him. "And you don't have to have sex if you don't want to, Adrien. There's nothing wrong with that. No one can make you do it if you don't want to."
Adrien thought that over. Then he said, "But what if I end up alone?"
"You won't be alone. Too many people love you for that," Chloé said, and she sounded so certain that Adrien had to believe her a little bit.
He sighed and leaned back, feeling months of tension beginning to uncoil. "I feel a little silly now," he admitted. "I ran away from Ladybug for no reason."
"Well, she did keep the truth from you," Chloé said. "You deserved to know, especially if Félix already knew. You not knowing what was going on was just an accident waiting to happen."
She had a point. Adrien rubbed the tip of his nose with his free hand, thinking. Ladybug had been keeping an awful lot of secrets lately. The only person she seemed to freely confide in was Rena Rouge. He'd been working hard not to let it bother him, but maybe they had finally reached a point where Adrien should be bothered. He didn't think it was fair for Ladybug to keep secrets that directly impacted someone, especially when other people knew. Maybe it was time for Ladybug and Chat Noir to have a stern talk next patrol.
"I think you're right," he said finally. "Thanks for coming to find me, Chloé. I might've stayed out here all night otherwise."
"You'd have got cold eventually," she said with a small smile.
"Maybe," Adrien said. If he transformed into Chat Noir, the cold wasn't so bad. He could've stayed out for a long, long time.
But he didn't feel like he needed to now. He was still worried over what being an amok meant, and about what his future might look like if he didn't want a relationship or sex. But Chloé's words had been comforting too. He thought about what she'd said. She was right. He did love and was loved, even if it wasn't the kind of love that most people thought mattered. However, it occurred to him that there was one thing that Chloé had been wrong about. He looked over at her.
"You forgot something," he said.
"What?" Chloé blinked, her nose scrunching up as she ran their conversation over in her head. Seeing that she didn't get it, Adrien smiled.
"I love you too," he said gently. "You're my oldest friend. My dearest friend."
Chloé's eyes widened, then grew damp. Her voice had a slight quiver when she said, "I didn't think we were friends anymore."
"I guess we weren't, for a while. But I'd like that to change," Adrien said. There was something different about Chloé now. He was seeing a side of her that he hadn't seen for years. A side that he had missed very much.
"I would like that," Chloé whispered. She cleared her throat. "I love you too, Adrien. Please don't ever forget that."
"I won't," Adrien promised, squeezing her hand tightly. "Want me to walk you home?"
Chloé thought about it, then said, "We could sit here for a little while longer if you want."
"I'd like that," Adrien said, smiling. "I'd like that very much. Thanks, Chloé."
She smiled back. "You're welcome."