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Pedes was starting to smell like blood and wet sheets. The room’s lights were striking and hard with no forgiveness. The row of bodies along the wall had grown since the last time Dr. Robby was in here. The wave of hurt that came from them was like a tsunami on him. The skin on his palm ached where he clutched his Star of David. His muttered words were lost in his ears as they rang.
Robby saw nothing but red in his eyes. He knew it was from all the tension he was putting on his neck, but he couldn’t relax. His breathing quickened, the tightness of his diaphragm heaving upwards. Robby wasn’t used to panic attacks, not like this. He sucked in a breath, his lungs stuttering around the air. Robby’s palms gouged at his eyes, pressing so hard against his skull he felt he could press right through. If he could get this under control everything would be alright. But nothing was working, this spiral was only going deeper and deeper with every thought.
He muttered the Shema prayer to himself. He covered his eyes with his hand, letting the words flow from his lips to his mind. He listened to them, the prayer he’s heard a hundred times. Robby breathes, the stuttering calming slightly with each word. The Shema prayer brings a sense of home. He was back in his bedroom, a child living with his grandma. The smell of bread always filled the home, mixed with his grandmas love of candles. Robby felt the warmth of that room as he said the words. He tried to bring himself back there, to let himself live in the past and forget the horrors outside this room.
Another suck of air brought him back in, it was hard to get his lungs to fill with the tightness of his throat. It felt like he was choking as he curled his knees to his chest. Robby let out a rush of air, saliva forming in his mouth. It was a wet and awful sound that made all the darkness of his mind come back. He cried, tears pinching at his eyes and nose. It was all fading, he couldn’t control his words now but stumbled over the prayer, trying in any way to return to the surface.
It was like a slice of sound when the door to pedes flung open. Robby flinched, his body tensing further as he muttered. He covered his eyes, trying to make himself smaller.
“Dr. Robby?” It sounded like it was coming from the surface of a pool. The sound barely making it to the bottom. “Are you alright?” Robby stumbled over another breath, his lungs hitching.
Fear flowed through him as he moved his hand down his face. He held his mouth, letting his breath hold. Like looking through a sea of red, he saw a light. Warped but taking form, he let his eyes focus on the golden halo of curls framing a far liar face. Whitaker stood above him, his face hung in worry. Robby’s eyes grew wide, watching as the golden boy asked him again how he was doing.
Whitaker wasn’t human in that moment. He wasn’t his student or another person asking what’s wrong. He was an angel. Golden edged and glittered in light. It was through the pain and the grinding of his stomach that he felt a sudden spark of ease. He hadn’t noticed it before. Something about him standing here, even if by chance, sent a pulse of ease through him.
Whitaker held his hands out in care, he took a moment to snap his gloves off. He moved slowly, finding a place next to Robby on the floor. He slid down, letting his should graze Robby’s. The contact eased his tension slightly. Robby looked over to Whitaker, his face turning less angelic and more like the worrisome student he’s come to appreciate all day. He let himself exhale, his shoulder collapsing against the wall and leaning into Whitaker.
Dennis didn’t say anything. He sat there, holding Robby’s weight on his own shoulders. Robby sighed, the sound filling the room with a sudden release. “They need you out there Whitaker.”
“No, they need you out there.” He looked to Robby, eyes heavy in concern. “Everyone’s looking for you out there.” Whitaker let his hand fall onto Robby’s thigh, keeping a contact with him.
Robby look was at his hand, letting his mind race through all the things he needed to do when he left this room. It was nearly too much to process. He dreaded it, the rush of sound, of panic from everything in sight. He couldn’t do it.
“I can’t.” His voice was small, barely making it to the surface of the water. “I can’t…”
Whitaker squeezed his leg, breathing in deeply. He looked to Robby, even as he covered his face with his palm. Whitaker breathed in again, letting the air out slowly. He raised his other hand, leaning over to Robby and placing a hand on his diaphragm. “Breathe.”
Robby closed his eyes, letting Whitaker take the pain from his stomach into his hand. He sucked in a shaky breath, letting it go fast in halts. Whitaker pressed gently on his stomach, letting his hand follow upward as Robby breathed in again. His lunges steadied, exhaling easier. Again he breathed, the rush of panic escaping with each one. Whitaker looked to him, smiling.
“It’s going to be okay. You’re okay Robby.” Dennis’ golden glow creeped back in as the oxygen came flowing back to Robby’s brain.
He sighed, letting his shoulders fully relax, letting his stomach ease against Whitaker's touch. Looking to Dennis, he let his eyes follow his worry. He saw the pain and tiredness cover Whitaker's face. Robby huffed, moving forward to pull Dennis into a hug.
He wrapped his arms around his shoulders tightly, pressing their chests together. Robby sniffed, letting the tears drop onto Whitaker's blood covered gown. He burrowed his head into his neck, letting himself feel cared for. It felt like a long time since he’d felt this way. Warm and loved in a way that he couldn’t put his finger on.
Whitaker let out a weak chuckle, his arms bringing Robby closer. He felt him smile into his shoulder. “This is nice.” Dennis whispered into Robby’s shoulder.
Robby pulled away, leaving his hand on his shoulder. He looked to the ground, shy about letting himself show his colors. “Thank you. Thank you, Whitaker.”
Whitaker squeezed Robby’s shoulder, giving him a genuine smile in return. He lifted himself up from the floor, leaving a hand out for Robby. “Let’s get back out there.”
Robby hesitated, watching as the light haloed Dennis once more. He grinned as he grabbed Whitaker's hand. He whispered, “Guardian angel” as he chuckled to himself. Whitaker lifted him out of his aching spot in the ground. He slung an arm around Whitaker as they headed for the door.
“What did you say?” Whitaker said.
Robby chuckled, wiping his tears away, “Nothing.”