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Tommy hadn't been to any Valentine's Day gatherings like this since the days of elementary school discos. And he'd even stopped attending those as he'd gotten older. By that time he'd already been more interested in hanging out with Määnin instead of wasting time at some lame disco. He'd never been interested in dancing with any of the girls, anyway, on those rare occasions someone had shown some interest in him and asked him to dance. Yes, the girls had needed to step up and come ask Tommy to dance because he had never been the one to initiate anything. And Tommy had never been able to return the girls' interest, so they usually hadn't looked his way a second time. So just why exactly was he standing there now, already feeling out of place?
It all had started when Freppa had heard talk of this Valentine's Day party. Meant for adults like them, not for any little kids. Then he had pitched the idea about going to Tommy and Määnin.
"It's a Valentine's Day party,"
Tommy had huffed and rolled his eyes.
"Don't they expect people to have some partner to go there with? You don't have anyone, and neither do we."
Well, technically Tommy and Määnin did have each other. And this was something both of them acknowledged, even if they hadn't said anything out loud.
"I don't really care about dancing with anyone,"
Freppa had then said to them.
"I'm more interested in maybe getting to meet some people I haven't seen in quite some time. Maybe there'll be some familiar faces. I can't be the only who who's going to show up without a partner."
Tommy still hadn't exactly been sold on the idea. But then Määnin had pulled him aside and said:
"Think about it, Toms.. It would look stupid if we both went alone, right? Maybe we can just go together."
Tommy's brows had shot right up as he'd turned to look at Määnin. Had he heard that correctly?
"Wait, are you serious?"
He had asked. Määnin had simply shrugged like it was no big deal.
"Why not? Worst case scenario, we can hang out together, stay there for a couple hours and then leave."
That conversation had led to another, and now Tommy found himself standing in the gym of his old high school. There was a DJ who was playing some cheesy ballads and the occasional more lively song. Tables had been placed down along one of the walls. Apparently that was where they could find food and drinks if and when the cravings would hit. Tommy did his best to suppress a suffering groan. Määnin had been okay with coming here, so Tommy should have been too. But more than anything, he still was hesitant about the whole thing, instantly feeling out of place and sticking out like a sore thumb in his double denim. It was a crazy thought, really. Tommy had been comfortable dressing up that way ever since he'd first gotten into it. And he probably should have been the last person to feel nervous about a little, harmless gathering like this. He probably knew most of the people there, or at least knew who they were and had seen them around. But he really wasn't feeling too good. At least he wasn't alone, even if Freppa had already taken off because he'd seen some people he recognized and wanted to catch up with them. Luckily Määnin at least had stayed by Tommy's side.
Mere minutes after first walking in they had already caught a fleeting glimpse of Linda and Crille who'd arrived together. And to make matters worse, at least in Tommy's mind, Kevin, Axel and Jakob were also there. Freppa had been really happy to see them and was currently talking with the trio.
"You okay, Toms?"
Määnin asked, pulling Tommy out of his thoughts.
"What? Yeah.. Yeah, of course, I'm fine.."
Tommy sighed.
"No, fyrbanna, I'm not.. I already regret ever showing up,"
he admitted only seconds later and crossed his arms across his chest.
"I've never been at home at these gatherings. But it seemed like you wanted to come here, so.."
It was the same thing as always; Määnin showed interest in something and Tommy tagged along, even if it was about something that made him uncomfortable. Määnin touched his arm and nodded towards the tables filled with all kinds of food.
"Why don't we go see what they have and maybe get ourselves something to eat?"
he suggested.
"We can sit down somewhere near the side of the room, away from everyone's immediate attention."
Tommy nodded at that, took a calming breath and followed Määnin across the gym to see what they had in terms of food.
A few minutes later they already stood by the tables, with plates in hand and eyeing the options, both sweet and savory. Tommy could feel his mouth watering and seemed to at least momentarily forget about his problems regarding being there in the first place. He set down a meat puff pastry and a couple slices of tuna quiche on his plate before checking out all the dessert. It couldn't be helped, could it? He shook away the thought of only being interested in the food and picked up another paper plate. On that one he piled up some mockarutor, banana coffee cake and lemon-raspberry blondies, all of which looked ridiculously good. He picked up his first plate and was about to go get himself a drink. There was seemingly only one option, sparkling strawberry punch. Non-alcoholic, as the sign next to the drink station clearly stated. Oh, well. It sounded quite good, anyway.
However, Tommy's plans to get a drink were momentarily set aside as he bumped into Jakob who had seemingly shown up out of nowhere. He had that usual, wide and bright smile on his face. Tommy did his best to keep himself from sighing. He really wasn't in the mood for some chit-chat with anyone from KAJ.
"Freppa told us that you two are also here, so I thought I'd come say hi while he's still stuck chatting with Kevin and Axel,"
Jakob announced sunnily even though neither Tommy or Määnin had shown much interest in hearing anything from him.
"Mm-hm,"
Tommy mumbled as he finally got himself a drink, hoping that by staying tight-lipped he would be able to scare Jakob away and back to his buddies. But of course it wasn't going to work exactly like that as Jakob hovered just behind him with every step, getting himself a small mountain of treats at the same time.
"How have you guys been? We've barely heard from you after KAJ on Ice,"
Jakob continued. Fyrbannat chatterbox, that's what he was. Always had been.
"Good,"
Tommy gave him another extremely short answer. But maybe at that point he started to figure out that he'd never get rid of Jakob if he wasn't ready to give him something a little more.
"We're.. working on writing new music,"
he added. At least it wasn't a complete lie, he had tried to come up with something new, even if nothing had exactly clicked yet. But Jakob goddamn Norrgård didn't need to know that. Tommy was then quick to change the subject before Jakob could ask anything about how the songwriting really was going.
"I know Freppa already thanked you last year and everything, but.. Well.. It was nice of you to ask us to do a half-time show at your concert. It was.. I think it was what we needed. To.. get out of the slump, you know."
Tommy's shoulders were tense as he said all that, avoiding properly looking at Jakob and only having quick glances. Jakob nodded, that smile never really leaving his face. But at least it faded a little bit when he said:
"I'm sorry I didn't get to meet any of you at Skansen. But I hear everything went fine in the end. And for that I want to thank you, Tommy. For agreeing to fill in for me. I was told that you also had fun."
"Well, it's not like I was ready to jump at the chance just like that.."
Tommy heard himself say.
"It's more like it was decided for me. But, I guess it would have been shitty and lame of me to leave you guys hanging after you gave us some of the visibility we needed and all that.. And, yeah.. I guess it wasn't all that bad, either."
Not all that bad. Tommy had enjoyed himself at Skansen after the initial grumbling and he knew that. He was mostly certain that Jakob knew it too. But it didn't mean that Tommy was ever going to admit it to his face.
Thankfully Jakob seemed to, after a few more minutes of chatting, remember that his own friends were probably waiting for him to come back with the food. And so Jakob wished Tommy good luck with writing the new songs and went on his way. Tommy waved after him slowly before finally exhaling and finding a nice, quiet spot where he could sit down and talk with Määnin in peace, hopefully without any further distractions.
"Fyrbanna.."
he groaned after getting to sit down and taking a sip of his drink.
"You handled that well, Toms,"
Määnin commented from next to him and gave his shoulder an approving pat.
"Thanks, Mään,"
Tommy mumbled and desperately tried to hide the fact that his cheeks were already changing color after only a few, normal complimenting words.
They hung out together as they ate, and as Tommy afterwards leaned his back and head against the wall, he was caught off guard by something Määnin said next.
"How do you feel about dancing?"
It sounded like a completely normal question, asked like it was not a big deal at all. Tommy shot up straight and turned to look at Määnin to see if he was being fucked with. But the expression on the other man's face was nothing out of the ordinary.
"What.. Dancing? You mean, with you?"
Tommy blurted out, his face heating up just a little bit. Määnin shrugged.
"That's what I was thinking about. Unless you want to dance with someone else,"
he said with a grin. Tommy's heart decided to skip a beat or two.
"I.. I, uh.."
he stammered as he attempted to come up with a normal response. To show that he wasn't affected and thrown off balance by something like this. But his self-doubt ended up getting the upper hand, anyway. He had kept an eye out but hadn't seen any other gay couples there. What if he'd be laughed out of the school? He'd have to change his name and move to some small city on the other side of Finland.
"Everyone will know. Those who don't somehow know already. They'll know that I'm gay and start yelling at me about how I'm lame and weak and am only dragging you down with me because I'm so fucking gay and that our band would be nothing without you which is true, of course.. And then.. Mään, I.. I can't do this."
Tommy stood up, his heart beating uncomfortably fast in his chest.
"Tommy, wait!"
He heard Määnin call out his name but he didn't stop, didn't even slow down. Instead, he ran out of the building, navigating the hallways he still somehow knew like the back of his hand.
Once he'd gotten outside, he stopped along the side of the building and leaned against the wall for a moment before going to sit down. The rough, textured wall scraped his back even through the two layers of clothing. The moment he'd sat down on the cold ground, he pulled his legs closer to his chest and buried his face in his knees. He didn't move even when he heard some approaching footsteps.
"Tommy?"
Määnin's voice was filled with fondness and concern. Tommy didn't respond, only flinched and drowned out a sob as he properly understood he wasn't alone any longer. He really didn't want for Määnin to see him like that. Not when his emotions had taken him in a chokehold.
"You okay?"
Määnin led on with a question as he also sat down right by Tommy's side.
"I'll be in a bit.."
Tommy managed a muffled, choked up response. His shoulders trembled which didn't really help his case.
"You can go back in, I'll follow. I just need a few moments.."
Tommy knew he sounded pathetic and he hated it. Määnin didn't fight it. But he wasn't going to leave, either.
"You're an interesting person, Tommy.."
Määnin decided to say instead after they'd sat down side by side for a little while.
"You were okay with announcing your love for me in front of a crowd of 7000, but you panic when you share the space with less than a hundred people, most of whom we have at least seen somewhere before or have talked to in passing?"
He laughed and shook his head a little.
"Don't make fun of me, Mään.."
Tommy mumbled with a deflated sigh.
"I'm not, I promise. It's just interesting, like I said. You weren't at all afraid on that stage."
Määnin gave Tommy's knee an encouraging squeeze. Afterwards they sat in a mostly comfortable silence until Määnin eventually was the one to break it.
"If you're feeling ready, we should go back indoors. I'm freezing my ass off, and I bet you are, too."
Määnin stood back up and held out his hand to Tommy who took it.
After returning to the gym they resumed their previous positions by the wall. Tommy was feeling a little bit better, but soon learned that Määnin hadn't let go of the whole idea about dancing. The DJ putting on a slow song seemed to solidify his decision even further. When the first notes of I Will Stay by Hurriganes filled the space, Määnin turned to Tommy once more.
"How about it, Tommy? Will you come and dance with me?"
Tommy was given the chance to decide for himself. He did hesitate, but couldn't deny the thought also tempting him. And so, after a calming breath or two he took Määnin's hand once more and let himself be pulled up on his feet. They then took their place on the dancefloor full of people.
"I can't really dance.."
Tommy admitted as they got close together and he felt Määnin's hands find their home on his waist.
"I've never done much of this slow dancing, I mean.. And what little I have done, I've forgotten a long time ago.."
he added. Määnin only hummed in response as they settled to kind of just slowly sway in place, both doing their best to forget about the outside world and to only focus on themselves.
"Everyone is looking at us.. Right.."
Tommy said quietly after coming to place his head on Määnin's shoulder, feeling good about resting it there.
"Some people are.."
Määnin answered truthfully.
"But not many. Most don't seem to care. And those that are looking, seem curious, more than anything. You're okay, Toms.. No one's judging you. Just breathe. You're safe with me."
As a response to this, Tommy let out a really quiet whimper and tightened his grip on his partner's denim jacket. It was a really personal, vulnerable moment for Tommy. From the wall nearest to their position, Jakob gave them a thumbs up and an encouraging smile.
"We were never really.. just friends.."
Tommy chose to say as he pressed his cheek more firmly against Määnin's shoulder. These words were meant for no one else's ears.
"Well, maybe just after we met, but ever since then.."
"I know. You didn't do a very good job hiding it,"
Määnin simply stated.
"And you.. You're okay with it?"
Tommy had to ask. He just really didn't want to fuck up their friendship of well over 20 years. He wasn't sure how he would ever be able to live without Määnin.
"Hey, Toms.. I don't think I would be here right now, with you, if I wasn't okay with it."
"Right.."
"It means that you're not getting rid of me any time soon. Unless you want to, of course,"
Määnin spoke just as quietly. He already knew what the answer was going to be, but just had to poke Tommy a little bit. Little did he know that Tommy was already imagining being left standing alone on the dancefloor and everyone laughing at him.. And worst of all, Määnin walking away from him.
"No,"
Tommy breathed out, not hesitating even a second.
"I don't.. Please don't go anywhere."
Määnin wasn't one to show his emotions very openly, especially not in front of other people like this. And even in that moment he was able to keep himself perfectly in check, despite Tommy's vulnerable tone and his words feeling like a surprise punch to the gut. He patted Tommy's back, doing his best to make it seem casual.
"You know me, Toms.. I'm not going."
As a response to that, Tommy only pressed his head against Määnin's shoulder even tighter, being sure to leave some kind of dent in it with how clingy he was being. But neither of them minded.
"Let the rest of the world see us."