Work Text:
Smithy
April 2015
Hammersmith: WTF is rozy’s problem?
No good morning or anything.
What do you want man.
We have a game tomorrow.
Hammersmith: why are YOU awake
Hammersmith: man listen
Hammersmith: rozy’s banging his things around
Hammersmith: speaking rapid russian not even talking to anyone
Hammersmith: he’s just talking to the wall or something
Oh, damn.
Sorry bro.
Must be a Jane thing.
Hammersmith: a WHO thing?
the suicide squad
December 2016
Reminder: the rest of our December schedule is up.
Morning skates and drills MWF, Thursdays off.
Rozy says Tuesdays are optional for game reruns.
But he said it with a look on his face.
So you know he wants you there anyway.
Varkov: Wow
Varkov: You’re taking this so seriously.
Varkov: Who retired and made you alternate?
Densky did 😀
And fuck off.
Connors: Do we really have to.
Connors: I’ll quit.
Pummel: no rose landry news today?
St-Simon: sorry
St-Simon: did u WANT rose landry news?
Pummel: no im just surprised he’s here at all
Connors: Fuck off.
Dubek: can we make practice harder for Conny
Connors: ???
Dubek: ate my lunch 😡
Connors: Vicky you fucking NARC.
St-Simon: payback
Connors: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DIDN’T LOSE YOUR FUCKING NECK GUARD
Connors: FUCK YOURSELF WITH A STICK
Dubek: sorry i dont understand how ur the victim here
Sebbin: do we have christmas eve off at least
Sebbin: planning a date
St-Simon: on christmas eve??
Half day on the eve.
Rozy made it clear.
Probably has plans too.
Varkov: Interesting
???
Varkov: Nothing
Varkov: Why is he being nice.
St-Simon: i thought we agreed marly killed him and replaced him while we weren’t looking
I wish.
Connors: He’s been really nice lately though.
Connors: He said “please” to Smithy when asking if he had K-tape
Connors: I thought Smithy’s eyes were gonna fall off his skull 😂
Hammersmith: fuck
Hammersmith: u know rozy’s unsettling when he smiles sometimes
Hammersmith: he was real about it too
Hammersmith: fucked me up a bit
Pummel: u think he got back together with jane?
LOL, no.
I wish.
But he hasn’t been texting anyone last time I saw his phone.
Sebbin: what r the chances he got laid or moved on
Hammersmith: willing to bet a thousand on getting laid
Nah.
I think Roz’s just quieter about it now.
Pummel: well you’d know
Pummel: i saw u two at the bar
Varkov: You making a move on Rozy, Marly? 👀
Varkov: Imma tell Nicole
Fuck you and fuck off.
He just asked about shit and I told him I got his back.
I doubt he’s moved on too.
Honestly I think Jane’s it for him.
St-Simon: i still doubt jane exists sometimes
St-Simon: i mean i know she does. shes obviously fucking real
St-Simon: but its not fucking insane to anybody that she’s been a secret for this long?
St-Simon: years? 2011? And fucking nothing????
St-Simon: WAGs dont know about her?? something is not adding up
Connors: Your metric here being the WAGs.
St-Simon: have you met anyone those women did not know
Varkov: Marly you really haven’t seen her?
No.
Just their texts.
Sebbin: what do u think she looks like.
Sebbin: imagining somebody completely normal
Sebbin: total opposite of who roz fucks
Connors: What does that even look like?
Sebbin: not blonde, not tall, not a model
Sebbin: idfk
Sebbin: youve seen the girls he hooks up with
Dubek: nah u don’t get that down bad for normal
Dubek: she has to be pretty interesting to keep up with rozy
Dubek: or exciting, or mysterious.
Connors: You’re watching too many movies.
Dubek: ok rose landry fan
Connors: ?
Dubek: im just saying maybe hes dating a model
Dubek: or actress, and thats why it has to be private and secret
Pummel: what if its someone from the womens league
Varkov: Probably if Marly’s right when he said he thinks she picks Roz up and beats him
Sebbin: 😂😂😂
It feels so wrong to talk about Rozy’s girl like this.
So I’m putting a stop to it.
St-Simon: ????
St-Simon: you created this groupchat
Never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.
Whatever.
Show up to practice tomorrow or I’m telling Roz about this groupchat.
Sebbin: he’ll kill you
I know.
At least I’d be taking you all with me.
young wild and free - Boston BOYSSSSSS
January 2017
Carmichael: ROZYYY ALL STARS LETS FUCKING GOOOO
Rozanov: It’s not my first.
Carmichael: Aaaaaand I’m done congratulating you.
Carmichael: Hope you go fuck yourself.
Rozanov: No thanks, you are not my type.
Carmichael: ??? Doesn’t even make any fucking sense.
Playing with Hollander though.
Fuckkkkkkk.
Condolences, Roz
Varkov: Do we have to root for Hollander too when we cheer for your team?
Varkov: Shit, and he’s captain.
Varkov: Should’ve been you, Roz.
Rozanov: Eh.
Rozanov: Hollander is not so bad.
???
the suicide squad
January 2017
Varkov: Since when was Hollander “not so bad” ??????
I am just as confused
😂
Hammersmith: i cant believe vicky’s right and the real roz died in december
Connors: Holy shit, Rose Landry and Hollander broke up.
Sebbin: oh here you fucking go.
April 2017
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
seated for bos v. mtl tonight i hope the metros win and i hope shane hollander is having the best day forever
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
rozanov fucking annoying as always
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
THATS MY CAPTAIN!!!! GO SHANE GO. TUEZ LES RAIDERS!!! I LOVE CANADA!!!
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
wait sorry reception here is fucking awful
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
WHAT?? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
SHANE GET UP. SHANE.
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
everybody in the crowd fucking booing and shane still isnt getting up oh my fuckiung ihdfggj kfe
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
oh man i feel sick they stretchered him out
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
FUCKKKKKKK
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
fucking jinxed it cuz i wished a good day on him…. FUCKKKKKKKKK
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
even rozanov looks concerned
Alyssa is deadt from finals @montmetros
WAIT PIKE PUNCHED MARLEAU?!?!?!??!????
Cliff, at least, waits until the last of their teammates have filed out of the lobby to go to their rooms before he approaches Rozanov. He’s pacing, checking his phone every three seconds as though he’s waiting for something. If Cliff were to hazard a guess, he’s probably waiting for one of Hollander’s teammates to reply to him about which hospital Hollander got admitted to last night.
Last night. Cliff doesn’t even want to think about it, not really. Whenever he does, all he can feel is the sharp, blooming pain from behind his eyelid that came when Pike’s fist met his right eye. But Hollander must have had it worse, surely. And as much as he dislikes the man—as a player—Cliff really did not mean to hurt him. And it was bad enough to hit him; seeing him be stretchered out with a neck brace on and, through the grapevine, hearing that he also had a broken collarbone on top of the sure concussion that he has made something particularly vile brew in his gut. Cliff is a bastard, but he’s not the kind to fucking relish in someone’s pain like that. Even if it was Hollander.
Watching Roz now, still walking back and forth and wearing a hole in the carpet, it’s not hard to imagine how he was like last night those first few moments after Hollander got hit. Skating awkwardly beside Hollander’s crumpled body, saying his name again and again like he’d get up if Rozanov just said it enough. Cliff had mostly been distracted trying to ward Pike and his fists away, but it wasn’t a trick of the mind when he heard Rozanov asking the medic and the ref if Hollander was going to be okay.
The point is that Cliff hadn’t known the two were friends. And that maybe this friendship was the reason why Rozanov told them that Hollander wasn’t so bad when the All Stars lineup had been announced. Of course, Cliff isn’t aware when in their rivalry they found the time to set their differences aside, but Cliff isn’t fond of asking questions and prying into other people’s lives like that. Stupid group chats about Rozanov’s concerning behavior whenever he breaks up with his girlfriend aside, because in another light that’s really just him putting their captain’s welfare first for the betterment of their team.
“Hey,” he says, soft and careful. Rozanov stops. His eyes flick up from his phone.
“Yes?”
Cliff jerks his chin towards the screen. “You hear anything from his team yet?”
“He’s fine,” Rozanov says, tone clipped, eyes going back to his phone. “He’s stable. They’re keeping him for observation, apparently he broke his collarbone too but I cannot be sure. He won’t be out of the hospital for a while, though. That much I know. But Hollander will be fine.”
The knot in his stomach doesn’t loosen entirely, but it at least unwinds enough for him to exhale deeply. “That’s… good. That he’s fine. Not the rest. Sorry.”
Rozanov doesn’t answer. Cliff runs a hand through his hair, mindful of the bruised eye. “I feel fucking awful,” he mutters. “I didn’t expect it would be that bad. Fucking… I don’t know. I didn’t mean to fucking bench him permanently.”
“Ugh,” Rozanov replies, rolling his eyes and finally looking at Cliff properly. “Hardly permanent,” he says, waving his hand. “Hollander is resilient, like pest. But yes, he’ll probably be out for the rest of the season.”
“Jesus.”
“On the bright side,” Rozanov adds dryly, “it will be easier to win another Cup now that he is not trying to score on us.”
“That’s fucking dark.”
Rozanov shrugs. “It’s true.”
Cliff shakes his head then, tension bleeding out of him in gentle waves until it’s not so uncomfortable anymore to stand beside Rozanov, who is still staring at the screen of his phone as if staring harder would get him the response he’s hoping for. After a moment, Cliff clears his throat. “You mad?”
Rozanov’s face goes blank. “Why would I be mad?”
“I… I didn’t know you and Hollander were friends.”
A pause. Then, Rozanov sighs. “Hollander and I are not friends,” he says, but then seems to rethink it. His mouth curves, just the smallest bit. “We are… a little friendly.”
Cliff blinks. “What?”
Rozanov just shrugs, explaining absolutely nothing. But before Cliff can press—before he can even decide if he wants to, this time—Rozanov’s phone buzzes in his hand. His eyes snap down to it immediately. He reads the message, shoulders tensing for a second, then slowly easing. He exhales. “Marly, I have to go.”
“Yeah. Okay. Tell Hollander I’m sorry. Again.”
Rozanov studies him for a second, eyes scrutinizing, like he’s maybe measuring the sincerity behind Cliff’s words. He must pass some test, or whatever, because Rozanov just nods and then claps Cliff on the shoulder. “I will,” he says, and then he’s gone, head down and body rushing, like his spirit was already wherever Hollander is before his body could even really step out of the doors.
Pike (Metros)
April 2017
Hey, Pike.
I just want to apologize again.
I didn’t really mean it.
Pike: Dude, it’s fine.
Pike: It’s not me you gotta apologize to anyway.
Pike: But I’m sorry about your eye.
Pike: I got carried away.
Reasonable reaction.
All part of the game.
Pike: Yeah.
Pike: How’s your eye?
Oh, I’ll get you back for this someday.
Fuck you.
Didn’t know you can throw a punch Pike.
Pike: 😏
December 2017
r/BostonRaiders | 1 hr. ago
RUMOR: Rozanov not resigning with Boston?
Cheech9090
Huge news if true. Not sure how that’s all gonna go over with people, and not sure what prompted that from Rozanov but… yikes. Want to place bets on which team he’s signing with?
boston_girl1998
not placing a bet cuz roz’s NOT signing anywhere that isnt boston wtf where did you even get this info from?
Cheech9090
Friend of a friend.
boston_girl1998
source: delusion then lol fuck off.
CapnMurica
“Friend of a friend” is how every fake trade rumor is born, my guy. We need admin to ban bullshit here.
BlackAndGold4Life
If Rozy leaves I’m going to KMS I am so serious about this.
PuckOff
Idk guys there may be some truth to this. His contract IS up and we really just don’t know what his plans are.
hisgirlfriday
Oof yeah. Plus they asked LeClaire about this and all he said was “no comment”. Surely you’d HAVE a comment when they’re talking about your team’s captain and arguably one of the best players in the league is getting traded or is transferring. Oh well. It was good while it lasted, Raiders.
statsheetfan
This could all still be fake even if he said no comment. LeClaire could also just not be entertaining this fucking crap.
TheOldBlackAndGold
this having no source 😐
Cheech9090
I did say it’s a rumor… and all I said was I heard it from a friend of a friend. Either way, if he does end up resigning, then good for us all.
TheOldBlackAndGold
just doesnt seem very reasonable both from rozy and the raiders to agree to not resign when they’ve got good rookies and a solid team under his leadership already. and rozy’s already won a cup for boston. theyd be stupid to let him go.
StatesideSniper
I also heard the loch ness monster is starting at left wing next season. See how fucking stupid that sounds.
puck_bunny_69
sorry didnt rozanov buy that big ass complex here… and he’s just leaving????
Cheech9090
I don’t know if you know this but you can buy a house and still move away from where you live.
CallMeBaby
If he leaves, half this sub will go into mourning and the other half will pretend they always hated him.
laymebyyourside
I mean… I won’t pretend I always hated him but it feels pretty fucking reasonable to think it’s an asshole move… After Boston drafted him? Also, feels stupid for Rozy to do. You already won the cup with this team dude just fucking stick to it.
alltimehole
I do wonder what the reason could be though, if this ends up true. Because what do you mean you’d be willing to let Rozanov go. And what do you mean Rozanov WOULD be willing to go. Nah, something must have happened behind the scenes.
boston_girl1998
like what?? salary?
alltimehole
I mean, IDK either! I’m just speculating. And hoping this isn’t true.
rozanov_wife
what team would even make sense? montreal? if he goes to montreal i’m killing myself.
TheOldBlackAndGold
so everything really is just speculation. cool, great, love that we’re spiraling over shit like this.
boston_girl1998
have to agree. until they report on this, i’m calling it all fake.
March 2018
ESPN @ESPN
BREAKING: Matthew LeClaire confirms Ilya Rozanov will not re-sign with the Boston Raiders.
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
SAY WHAT?????????
NHLNews @NHLUpdates
Rozanov is confirmed to not re-sign his contract with the Boston Raiders. Major shift in the horizon for both Rozanov and Boston.
mich HATES rozy @dieforthegold
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT????
Mari @sadilyas
I’m refusing to believe this until I see him in another jersey. And even then I’ll be in denial.
The Black and The Gold @RaiderForLifer
Front office watched our window and said yeah let’s throw a brick on that. This is fucking crazy. Are they all crazy?
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
Sorry I just can’t process this right now like what do you mean you build your legacy with Boston and then you just… leave 😂
Emmaline @replayjunkie22
incredibly idiotic to let a player like rozanov go. u dont do that. full stop.
FINN IS CLOSED FOREVER @brimmedreapers
im not even mad about this im mostly just confused and wondering who didnt budge
Hannah @hollanovhours [quote retweeted]
imagine if he signs with montreal #hollanov my agenda…
NHLNews @NHLUpdates
Rozanov is confirmed to not re-sign his contract with the Boston Raiders. Major shift in the horizon for both Rozanov and Boston.
FINN IS CLOSED FOREVER @brimmedreapers
@hollanovhours i changed my mind. Now im mad.
Leigh St-Simon
March 2018
Leigh: Is it really true?
Apparently.
Trust me, we’re all just as surprised as you guys are.
Leigh: Well, whatever happened, and whatever happens…
Leigh: You have the WAGs!
Leigh: And we’ll always back Rozanov… At least, as long as the reason for not re-signing isn’t bad.
Probably isn’t, because we’d know if it was bad.
Doesn’t mean we won’t feel shit about it.
Roz didn’t even really tell us.
Had to find out an hour before they announced the news.
Leigh: ☹️
Leigh: Sad!!!
Leigh: And we didn’t even get Jane added to the WAG chat.
HA 😂
Wonder how SHE’S taking the news.
Leigh: Probably praying Rozanov moves to Montreal.
Roz would never.
At least with that I’m confident about.
Homeboy Rozyyyyy
March 2018
So it’s really final, then?
Gotta be honest, what the fuck Roz?
Rozanov: Yes, it’s final.
Rozanov: And I did not make this decision lightly, Marly.
Rozanov: I’ve been thinking about it for a year.
A year.
A year, Rozanov.
And you didn’t talk to anyone about it?
Rozanov: I went through many things in the past year.
Rozanov: And as I said, I’ve been thinking.
Rozanov: Maybe it won’t be so bad to move. Fresh start.
Rozanov: What is that thing Americans say. Grass is greener.
On the other side?
Not sure that applies.
Not sure that’s the correct one, to be honest.
Rozanov: Whatever
Rozanov: Point is, I want to leave. Not to say I am not grateful for Boston. I love Boston, and I love this team. It’s my home and it will always be home. A part of me wherever I go. But I have made plans.
Rozanov: Maybe it won’t make sense now, but someday. Soon, hopefully.
Rozanov: And I do not care what fans think. Those who really love me will understand.
Rozanov: I am sorry I will be stealing fans from Boston though.
Rozanov: No, that’s a lie. I am not sorry. I hope Boston loses fans because of me.
Fuck off Roz.
You’re unbelievable.
Is this about…
Rozanov: About what?
Jane
Rozanov: 😏
Rozanov: A girl does not kiss and tell.
Oh you fucking asshole.
“—I am grateful for Boston. Thankful. I will not be where I am today if it were not for my team, and for Boston for taking a chance on me in the first place. I will always hold this team in my heart and consider them my family. The boys are my friends and will always be my friends. But this past year, I have made some considerations. I… I have thought about where I am in my career. About what I want and what I need to be better. A good friend has told me that to grow, sometimes you have to be uncomfortable. Changing will be uncomfortable, but he is smart and I believe him.”
“And do you have a plan?”
“I do,” Rozanov replies, voice loud despite the murmuring around the room. Cliff can’t see him, but he’s sure there’s an infuriating smile on his face. “There is a direction I am moving toward. But as of now, things are still being finalized. With my agent, with the Raiders, with my next team. Out of respect for everybody involved, I will not speak on it further.”
“What an asshole,” Cliff mutters. From the corner of his eye, he sees Sebbin and Carmichael whispering, having their own conversation.
“Boston fans seem very disappointed by your move,” some reporter calls out.
“I expected they would be. I understand the loyalty these people demand from me. But I hope they understand anyway, as other people close to me have already understood, that this is not me turning my back on anyone. I am leaving because it is what I believe is right for me.”
“So it’s personal?”
“Somewhat,” Rozanov answers immediately. Then he hesitates. “The Raiders have been good to me. My teammates have been good to me. Sometimes it is simply time to leave.”
The room falls into a momentary silence. Cliff, for his part, thunks his head against the door. He’s promised himself and everybody else that he won’t be emotional about it, but he really is going to fucking miss having Rozanov around.
“I hope,” Rozanov continues, softer this time, “that even if people are disappointed, I will still be supported. I have given everything I have to Boston. I will continue to give everything I have wherever I go.”
Cliff is just about to turn and leave when another question pops, faint—likely from the front row—but audible still: “And what can fans expect from you next season?”
With this, too, Cliff can imagine Rozanov’s face. The cocky fucking smirk. He can tell so from the edge in Rozanov’s voice when he finally says “They can expect that I will be very difficult to play against. And if they are upset now, they should at least be grateful they won’t have to defend me anymore.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Cliff laughs, finally walking away. “We’re all so fucked.”
May 2018
ESPN @ESPN
CONFIRMED: Ilya Rozanov will sign with the Ottawa Centaurs, per official sources. The former Boston Raiders captain is heading north after weeks of speculation surrounding his future in the league.
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
OH HE ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO KILL MYSELF.
July 2018
r/OttawaCens | 3 hr. ago
SAY IT AIN’T FUCKING SO. ROZANOV CENTAUR REAL AND OFFICIAL AS OF TODAY.
Cens4Life
okay this was announced two months ago but FUCK YESSSSSSSSS
CensibleCen
I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT THEN CUZ IT SEEMED LIKE A JOKE. THIS DOESNT SEEM LIKE A JOKE TO YOU?
BoodsWife
Right like who would go to Ottawa. Aint shit to do here.
Cens4Life
FUCKKKKKKKKK LOL i forgot about rozanov’s reputation. no bitches in ottawa so he has no other choice but to fucking win a cup for this team.
boston_girl1998
fuck. OTTAWA?
Cens4Life
boston fan on the cens sub.
beenfranklin
how the FUCK does this happen
rinkjunkie
Okay but… Rozanov’s aware of the Cens’ reputation right. Like he knows what he signed up for? He knows our standings?
beenfranklin
who tf cares what rozanov does or doesnt know WE ARE NO LONGER A POVERTY FRANCHISE. WE ARE MAKING IT OUT.
OttawanGoalie24
Boston fans coping and saying Rozanov left to challenge himself. Buddy saw our abysmal rankings and went “let me fix that”. LMFAO.
Earth616Crisis
We are either going to be the best Canadian hockey team ever or this will be the most expensive midlife crisis contract in league history.
Hopetimism
IDEC I haven’t been this happy in so long… I can already smell the Cup… I used to pray for times like this.
Centaur_Memes
Cens being called a shit team with nothing ahead of us all season just for us to land ROZANOV of all players is the funniest thing ever. We are failing UPWARDS. Always dream big, kids.
PuckHerUp666
This lowkey changes things. Rozanov’s killer instinct is crazy. Guy is a fucking menace on ice.
BoodsWife
Can you imagine if we’re still bad after getting Rozanov.
CensibleCen
We have to be hopeful. Manifesting the playoffs and I don’t care if I sound like I’m on crack.
WesTheBest
Went to the Boston sub and they’re calling us an irrelevant team… YOUR captain left YOUR team for US 💀
Centfromheaven
FUCK. Welcome to Ottawa, Roz. Please save our fucking team. Full pressure.
the suicide squad
August 2018
Hammersmith: i know he never confirmed or denied
Hammersmith: or even told us actually
Hammersmith: do u think he moved for jane 👀
Connors: That’s honestly my thoughts too.
Connors: You don’t just move to the Cens. Fucking crazy. They haven’t made the playoffs in years.
Connors: But Roz has always been crazy, so maybe it’s not even Jane.
Dubek: roz probably gets off on the challenge
Man fuck off
🤮
Dubek: LMFAO
Dubek: my bad my bad
Connors: Okay, but that’s if they’re still really together, even.
Connors: Roz and Jane.
St-Simon: oh it has to be jane
Sebbin: cuz who else would it be about
Sebbin: not even the most powerful force in the world could stop this transfer
Sebbin: LeClaire was calling on every god and every spirit
Sebbin: so it has to be a girl
Sebbin: and it’s probably jane
Hammersmith: fuck we really need to meet that chick
Hammersmith: tying roz down… he’s not terrorizing boston anymore
Hammersmith: shes done so much good and she doesn't even know
Carmichael: His girl lives in Montreal though, right?
Montreal’s only two hours from Ottawa.
And Rozy was never signing with Montreal.
Shit, it might actually be Jane.
St-Simon: honestly i’m not even mad
St-Simon: i can say i respect it
St-Simon: if the pussy is that good
Hammersmith: jesus man ur fucking gross
St-Simon: im just saying!!!!!!!!
St-Simon: roz was so close to killing himself or killing us everytime they’d break up
St-Simon: the last one was so bad
St-Simon: put us through so much SHIT
St-Simon: he probably ended up proposing when they got back together
Connors: The fact that Roz transferred before we even met Jane.
Connors: She’ll never be in the WAG GC.
Sebbin: its still reasonable to think we just made her up
Sebbin: maybe we all fucking died in 2016 and this is just a hallucination
St-Simon: man you really got hit hard in the head
November 2018
r/NHLMemes | 2 hr. ago
Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander announce the Irina Foundation: “The Irina Foundation will raise money and awareness for organizations that provide support, counseling, and assistance.”
GoHabsGo
I’m not one for long posts, but this feels worth it. Earlier today, Hollander and Rozanov held a press conference and announced the Irina Foundation. Rozanov was visibly emotional throughout, but Hollander was being a good friend about it (which really sold their other announcement of getting to know each other off the ice and considering each other friends).
Some parts that really stuck to me:
“[Hollander] (The foundation) will raise money and awareness for organizations that provide support, counseling, and assistance for people who are suffering from depression and other mental illnesses that can lead to suicide.”
“[Rozanov] The Irina Foundation is named for my mother. She battled depression without help for many years. She had no support, no medical treatment … This foundation is for her. It is to help people like her, so they do not have to fight alone.”
“[Hollander] We’ll be partnering with many organizations, a lot of which are located in our respective teams’ cities: Montreal and Ottawa. Mostly, we’ll be partnering with centers for mental health support that help women and children.”
“[Rozanov] I understand this is a surprise to many people, but this is no stunt from me or Hollander. We are not writing checks and leaving it to be run by other people. Hollander and I will personally put our time and effort into this foundation, especially the camps we will be running. We have already reached out to some people in the League. To people eager to help. It will be a big thing, and we will need everyone’s support.”
Maybe I’m just being soft, but fuck it, I don’t care. This is beautiful to me. Rozanov and Hollander’s rivalry has been one for the ages, so to see them put it all aside, become friends, and start this wonderful initiative together with very little fanfare (no announcements or talks about the foundation were made prior to the press conference, so they were really keeping this on the low), is really amazing. I know we love to be cynical about athletes, what with issue after issue of players being the worst fucking assholes ever. But this one is real and good. Rozanov and Hollander got good heads on top of their shoulders. And if they follow through with even half of what they’ve talked about today, they’ll really be making a difference for a lot of people who would otherwise fall through the cracks, ignored by society.
Anyway, just wanted to put this out there. Fucking kudos to Rozanov and Hollander. It’s been real fucking awful lately, so this is nice.
⬆️10.9K
Homeboy Rozyyyyy
November 2018
Heard about the foundation, man!
Congrats.
You really are friends with Hollander.
Rozanov: Have I ever lied to you, Marly.
Multiple times, yes.
Rozanov: Oh, well.
Rozanov: If you ever want to teach at camp, let me know.
That’s not gonna make up for it, but I will.
January 2021
ESPN @ESPN
Ottawa Centaurs’ team flight to Tampa forced to make an emergency landing due to engine failure, official sources from the team confirm. Initial reports indicate that all players, staff, and crew are safe. More details to come as this story develops.
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
Holy fucking shit. So glad everyone’s okay. Jesus.
Hannah @hollanovhours
wtf omfg this is awful… praying for the cens
Belize | raiders second cup @iheartolivias
that must have been so scary!!! hope everyone continues to be okay. sending prayers to the team.
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
all hockey can wait rn! hug your people! relieved that everyone is safe and okay (yes even you rozanov)
young wild and free (OLD GC ROZANOV YOU TRAITOR)
January 2021
Varkov: Rozy, dude, you fucking okay?
Pummel: jesus
Pummel: hope ur safe man
ROZ!
You okay, dude?
Jesus, that was some wild shit.
Nicole yelled. Thought she was hurt or something.
And then I heard what she yelled about and it got worse.
Connors: Hope you’re okay, Roz!
St-Simon: shitttt rozy
Rozanov: I’m fine. Thank you all.
St-Simon: DUDE
Dubek: ROZYYYYYYYY
Pummel: ROZ!!!
Sebbin: ROZ OUR MAN!!!!
Rozanov: I’m really okay, was just bad turbulence.
Rozanov: LOL
Pummel: oh u are actually crazy
Pummel: somehow i forgot that
Bad turbulence.
Man they said it was ENGINE FAILURE.
Rozanov: 🙄
Rozanov: I did not die.
Rozanov: I cannot be killed.
Rozanov: The world has tried over and over. I keep winning.
Dubek: im always so amazed by your ability to be an asshole 24/7
Dubek: just an absolute bastard all the time
Rozanov: Please you love that about me.
Rozanov: And that is why to this day you still think I betrayed you when I moved to Ottawa.
Nah we got hurt because you chose to be a Cen.
Could have at least transferred to a good team.
Rozanov: LOL
Rozanov: Remind me again how many cups you have won since I left?
Hammersmith: your spirit really cant be crushed at all, ever
Hammersmith: id be annoyed if i wasnt so amazed
Dubek: but you are ok right
Rozanov: Yes!
Rozanov: We are in Tampa now. Everyone is okay. We’ll be doing medical soon. One of our rookies hit his head but that’s the only injury.
Rozanov: That and probably no one here wants to fly on a plane anymore, ever.
Well that’s reasonable.
Glad you’re all okay though.
Would have been so fucking bleak.
Rozanov: Aw, you will miss me Marly?
Rozanov: I will tell Nicole about this.
I take it back.
Go to hell.
Homeboy Rozyyyyy
January 2021
Roz
You are okay though, right?
Rozanov: I am, really.
Rozanov: Very glad I did not die.
Rozanov: Thank you, Marly.
March 2021
Pop Crave @PopCrave
Hockey players Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov caught kissing in a leaked FanMail video uploaded by fellow player Hayden Pike. The two were drafted in the same year and played as rivals before launching their foundation in 2018. No comments yet from either camp 🏒💋.
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
disrespectfully speaking please stay out of our house
rosie posie wosie @landryhivesss
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SHANE HOLLANDER?
long suffering metros fan @chessups
why tf is popcrave reporting on this omfg so unserious
Doug Capperell @icerinkraves
Gross. Keep that shit off hockey.
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
@icerinkraves aw you can always kys
Hannah @hollanovhours
i wish people would stop tagging me on this. no i am not vindicated no i am not proven right i think its disgusting to be outed like this and i hope you people stop sharing the video or the screenshots especially when shane and ilya have not yet made any comments.
Hannah @hollanovhours
and this doesnt affect how they play hockey, the fuck! shane and ilya have consistently been the best players in the league. regardless of who they are or how they identify as, what relationship they have, u people better put fucking respect on their names considering they have FOUR STANLEYS BETWEEN THEM.
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
@hollanovhours girl we have had our differences over the years but ur so fucking real
March 2021
r/NHLMemes | 1 hr. ago
TRANSCRIPT HIGHLIGHT: Hollander and Rozanov joint statement released after leaked FanMail video.
demiglazed_donut
“Although having the decision to disclose our relationship made for us isn’t ideal, we would like to announce, officially, that we are in a committed, romantic relationship, and have been for several years. We wish we could have told you in our own way, but we don’t hold this unfortunate accident against Hayden.
We know that our relationship will be difficult for a lot of people to accept and understand. We have never let our personal relationship interfere with our competitiveness on ice, and we believe our career achievements show that very clearly. We’ve always kept personal and professional separate, and we hope our teams, our fans, and the League can do the same.”
Years. Jesus Christ. Wishing them well.
[Locked post. New comments cannot be posted.]
the suicide squad
March 2021
Carmichael: So…
Carmichael: We’re not gonna talk about it?
I wasn’t aware we had to talk about it.
You got a problem with it man?
Carmichael: What? Fuck no.
Carmichael: Jesus
Carmichael: I just want to say it must suck for Roz.
Carmichael: Dude you have to know this doesn’t matter to me at all.
Carmichael: Roz is my friend. It doesn’t fucking matter.
It better not.
And if it matters to anyone here.
In the wrong fucking way.
You gotta speak up now.
Don’t fucking hide shit.
Hammersmith: no dude im just fucking concerned for roz
Hammersmith: and hollander, i guess
Hammersmith: fuck, did it have to be hollander?
St-Simon: of course that’s what u focus on
Varkov: Should we reach out?
Sebbin: how though
Sebbin: feels like anything we might do might make it worse
Sebbin: or god forbid piss him off
Connors: Maybe just one of us reaching out would be enough.
Connors: You’re right, we might overwhelm him.
Connors: But I also think that now more than ever, Roz needs to know we have his back.
Pummel: i just got here, just saw this shit. man this is so fucked up
Pummel: i can message him
No, I’ll do it.
I’ll text him.
What do I say?
Varkov: Just keep it simple. Say we have his back.
Varkov: That this won’t change things.
Varkov: And wish him and Hollander well.
Okay, okay.
Got it.
Hammersmith: well i guess we can say he probably did break up with jane back then
St-Simon: once again, i am amazed that you’re choosing all the wrong things to focus on.
May 2021
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81
[VIDEO ATTACHMENT] So many things have happened, and so much more will happen. The good news is, I have @ShaneHollanderHP24, my fiance and forever love of my life, by my side, always 💍❤️.
Cliff Marleau @CFMarly
Congrats, brother! Finally tied down. Joining the married ex-Raiders crew. Welcome to the fucking club. Don’t forget to invite us to the wedding.
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81
@CFMarly of course you are invited. All Raiders invited.
Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHP24
@IlyaRozanov81 you CANNOT invite every single team into our wedding, Ilya. But @CFMarly we will extend some invites for you and Ilya's other friends, if they want.
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81
@ShaneHollanderHP24 you are a very boring fiance and you are lucky i love you so much. @CFMarly see what I have to deal with?
Cliff Marleau @CFMarly
@IlyaRozanov81 you deserve it.
It’s Carmichael who breaks the silence first.
“Sorry, you’re who?”
Hollander, honest to God, giggles at the question, which somehow makes the words all the more real to Cliff. I’m Jane. I’m Jane. Jane. Shane Hollander is Jane. Shane Hollander, hockey player, formerly of the Montreal Metros, is Ilya Rozanov’s Montreal Jane. “What the f—”
Rozanov cuts him off with a laugh, booming from his chest, his body swaying in movement from how loud it is. Some people turn their heads, likely curious to see what’s got Rozanov going, but not brave enough to force their way through a throng of big hockey players who are more alcohol than they are human for the night. Cliff, for his part, wishes a hole would open beneath the earth and kill them all. That, and for Hollander to start fucking explaining because what does he mean by—
“Yes, yes,” Rozanov sighs as he wraps an arm around Shane’s waist, face so smug Cliff’s not sure he even wants to look at him. But the alternative would be to look at Hollander’s face. Hollander—Shane, who is flustered but probably just as smug as his fucking husband. “Shane Hollander has been my Montreal Jane all along. Surprise! I am so nice. This is my wedding and yet it is me giving you all a gift.”
Cliff’s brain starts buffering. Then, he first thinks, we need to pick Sebbin’s jaw off the fucking floor. And then after that, he thinks that Pummel looks like he’s about to puke, though Cliff isn’t sure if that’s because of the revelation of the night or the because of the amount of alcohol he’s had for the evening. Carmichael, for his part, doesn’t even look like he’s in his body anymore at all.
And then some parts click in Cliff’s head, in harmony with all the sounds he’s suddenly picking up on: the chatter in the yard, the clinking silverware, the. boisterous laughter from the other side of the space. Hollander, whispering to Rozanov while Rozanov just stands and looks at him, so lovestruck, looking so in love. An “I have been in love with this man since 2011” kind of love.
Jane. JANE. “What… how…” Cliff’s words trail off. Great, he thinks. I can’t even— “I’m sorry. You are Jane?”
Rozanov rolls his eyes in exasperation then, raising his free hand to the sky, making a gesture as if this should not be news to Cliff at all. “It should be obvious to you, Marly.”
Oh, now Cliff’s just offended. “Obvious? How could it have been obvious?”
“Marly, did it never occur to you,” he explains, voice calm. Cliff gets this sudden urge to punch him, but he’s sure if he does that then Hollander might kill him where he stands. As if reading his mind, Hollander shifts much closer to Rozanov, practically draped over him. “That I never needed to be in Montreal to be with my Montreal girl?”
Cliff wishes, so badly, that he could dispute this. That he could shake his head and make denials. But his brain has already made the connections—albeit, a decade too fucking late—and he can’t forget them now. Nothing can make him look less like an idiot. Not even looking at his teammates helped, most of whom he’d roped over the years into helping him deal with Rozanov every single time he had a problem with Jane. Who is Shane Hollander. Who has been Shane Hollander this whole goddamn time. Every single time that Rozanov met with Jane, it had always been when Hollander was around. Games, trips to Boston, trips to Montreal, press events. Always, all the fucking time. No fucking coincidence. Rozanov, always so happy whenever they’d play Montreal. Skipping team dinners with some bullshit, made-up excuse about having to do something somewhere. That one time, way back in 2015, when the Raiders and the Metros had to share space in a club and Rozanov and Hollander both were nowhere to be found.
Moving to Ottawa. Ottawa, which is only two hours away from Montreal. Even further, Rozanov, so devastated when Hollander fell down the ice. How he looked at Marleau that night with personal offense, as if it was him who got checked into a concussion and not Hollander.
The morning after. “Hollander and I are not friends. We are… a little friendly.”
Hollander, either completely unaware of what’s going on or relishing in their misery and confusion which, if he married Rozanov, he probably was, tilts his head when he speaks. “We had to use the fake name. Sorry.”
Sebbin finally speaks. “Whose idea was it?”
“Ilya’s”
“Of course it is.”
“It was a brilliant idea,” Rozanov insists. “And it made sense. No one would suspect if they looked over my shoulder and saw me texting Jane. Shane was a secret. My secret.”
“Well,” Hollander smiles, “not so secret anymore, right?” Cliff watches him hold his hand out, the one which has his wedding band on. Rozanov lifts his own hand up, side by side with Hollander’s, and together they stare at their rings, a smiley, awful, annoying pair of menaces, completely unfazed and untouchable by the world around them. Cliff turns his head, shares a look with Pummel, Sebbin, and Carmichael. Their faces say it all: What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
They don’t know how long they stand there for. Time passes by so fucking weirdly for a buzzed brain. Regardless, it must have been long enough, because when Cliff finally comes to his senses, Hollander is already making a move to pull Rozanov away. “Alright,” he says, threading their fingers together as he points to the other side of the yard where Yuna Hollander is talking to a bunch of other women, one of whom he vaguely recognizes as Jackie Pike. “We need to go tell mom about our plans tomorrow.”
“Wait,” Cliff yells out, unable to help himself. “Wait. Just a second. So if Shane is Jane, then who… what was Rozy?”
Hollander and Rozanov share a brief look before Rozanov turns, smiles—shit eating, wide, all his teeth on display and so fucking punchable that Cliff is honestly surprised his fingers haven’t curled into fists yet—and says, “I’m Lily, of course.”
the suicide squad
July 2021
Connors: Okay so I straight up don’t believe it.
St-Simon: ur just saying this because u cant believe u made it worse for him
St-Simon: sending all those rose landry articles
St-Simon: bringing her up all the time
St-Simon: remember how u were the one who showed it to him at the gym?
Dubek: roz turning the tv off... I REMEMBER IT ALL NOW
Connors: HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
Sorry, how the fuck were WE supposed to know?
I’m going to kill Rozanov.
Hammersmith: wait
Hammersmith: holy fucking shit
Hammersmith: the club
WHERE ROSE LANDRY WAS
WITH HOLLANDER
JESUS
Dubek: so THATS why he wanted to kill himself
Dubek: FUCKKKKK WE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID
Varkov: It even rhymes.
Varkov: Jane. Shane. Montreal Jane. Shane Hollander from the fucking Montreal Metros.
Varkov: And isn't Hollander's hometown Ottawa?
STILL.
How the fuck were we supposed to know.
Carmichael: I remember asking what the fucking odds were.
Carmichael: Of Jane being there.
Carmichael: Pretty fucking high apparently.
St-Simon: and whose idea was it to go clubbing… hmm..
Connors: ROZ wanted to go clubbing. All i did was RELAY THE FUCKING MESSAGE.
Connors: Okay every has got to stop I already feel bad.
Connors: How was I supposed to fucking know! All I did was like Rose fucking Landry!
Pummel: FUCCCCCCKKKKKKK
Pummel: FUCKKKK
Pummel: so all those times rozy had scratches on his back.
St-Simon: if you value your life you will not finish that fucking sentence
St-Simon: gross man i dont want to think about that
St-Simon: 🤮
Hammersmith: too late i've thought about it and want to die
Hammersmith: and to think this could all have been avoided if we just killed roz
Where the fuck is Sebbin?
Sebbin: sorry… my wife’s drunk, had to get her to the car
Sebbin: fuck, rozy’s kinda right though
Sebbin: montreal jane was everywhere shane hollander was
Connors: They could both just be fucking with us. That’s a real possibility.
You think Hollander will fuck around like that?
Connors: Yeah, you’re right.
Connors: FUCK.
Varkov: I just can’t believe.
Varkov: How fucking difficult Hollander made my life.
Varkov: FOR A GOOD FEW FUCKING YEARS.
How do you think I FEEL?
Knowing I’ve been there THIS WHOLE TIME.
Even before some of you came along.
All the messages I’ve seen Roz text Jane.
He was texting HOLLANDER.
That’s why he said Hollander wasn’t so bad.
Why he was so fucking happy when he broke up with Landry.
Jesus.
JESUS.
How the fuck are we so stupid.
Dubek: well it turns out he really did move here for love after all
Dubek: moving to the Cens for hollander
Dubek: whose fucking idea was that
Varkov: Cens aren’t so bad anymore nowadays.
Varkov: But yeah, of course he transferred to a shit team for love.
Varkov: Fucking whipped. Who the fuck knew?
We should have known.
FUCK.
Honestly we must have done something so fucking awful.
In a past life.
Hammersmith: 💀
Hammersmith: u dont have to go that far
Hammersmith: we’re fucking suffering because we chose to be friends with Rozanov in this one.
Pike (Metros)
July 2021
Man.
I don’t know if you fucking remember this.
But remember how I asked you if you knew a Jane?
And you said you knew a Shane.
Did you know then? Were you fucking with me?
Pike: Ah, they finally told you.
Pike: I didn’t know then.
Pike: To be honest, I kind of thought you were just making a joke.
Jesus.
I hate them.
Pike: Welcome to the fucking club, buddy.
“I want to say thank you.”
Cliff blinks, mildly startled by the voice. He turns and sees Hollander standing awkwardly beside him, hands in his pockets, the empty space beside him where Rozanov should be all too glaring and off-putting. The man in question himself is up ahead, laughing like some fucking donkey for how loud he is, dancing with his mother in law and some children. Probably Pike’s, because he’s the only guest who actually brought his fucking kids along. Then the words register in Cliff’s mind, and he shakes his head.
“For what?”
Hollander sighs, flits his gaze from Cliff to Rozanov. “Him. What your teammate said had me thinking.”
“Hmm?”
“Carmichael, I think? He said you had to babysit Ilya. That you were stuck with him.”
Cliff shakes his head again, feeling shy all of a sudden, and also wanting to strangle Carmichael, which he definitely will when he finds him later. “Hey, man, it’s no big deal. It was mostly a jo—”
But Hollander cuts him off. “No, no. I…” He exhales, pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers, maybe trying to decide how honest he’s going to be in front of Cliff when they don't even know each other. If it were up to him, Hollander won’t need to be honest at all. They don’t even have to talk about it, really.
“It was always hard on him,” Hollander finally continues after a while. “Whenever we fought. Or whenever we… okay, we only broke up once. But we did fight a lot. And we weren’t… really anything before 2017.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah,” Hollander breathes out. “But yes. When I dated Rose—I know I really hurt him. I really did. We were young, and we were both fucking stupid, and neither of us knew how to talk to each other. And I was so busy trying to prove something to myself that I broke his heart in the process. And mine, but mostly his.”
Cliff shifts his weight, feeling strange, as if he’s not supposed to be having this conversation. “You don’t gotta—”
“I do,” Hollander insists, firmly. Cliff can almost see why Rozanov tends to just agree with whatever he says. “Because when he was… you know. Like that. You had him. You and the team. You didn’t have to,” and he’s almost bitter when he says this. Cliff makes a small note in his mind that there’s only two Metros players in this wedding: Pike and Boiziau. The rumors that things did not end well in Montreal may be realer than everyone thinks. “You could have just chalked it up to him being an asshole and let him deal with it alone, but you didn’t. You took care of him anyway. In your own way.”
Cliff lets out an embarrassed laugh. “Shit, don’t let Smithy hear you say that.”
Hollander smiles. “Still. I mean it. Thank you. All of you. For taking care of him when I couldn’t. I know we caused… a lot of trouble.”
“Understatement.”
“Shit,” Hollander groans. “Yeah, yeah. But we’ll make it up to you all. Someday.”
Cliff shakes his head. “It’s nothing, man, really. Rozy’s a good guy. A fucking pain in the ass, but…” He trails off, glances back at Rozanov, who is now attempting to teach one of the children how to jump up and climb on his back. “He’s good. And he’s happy. You did that, you know? That counts for more than all the fucking bullshit.”
Hollander’s grimace melts into a smile, so soft and fond. Cliff looks away, feeling once again that he shouldn’t be here. “Yeah. He makes me pretty happy too.”
The rest of what Cliff wants to say, before finally putting a stop to the sap-fest, line up against his throat—that it all worked out in the end anyway, that Roz owes them all a few rounds of beer at a club of their own choosing—but before he can set them all free, a different thought slots cleanly in his brain. He pulls his phone out of his pocket.
“Actually,” he says, grinning. “I know how you can make it up to us.”
WAGs and Marly
July 2021
Hey everyone.
Thank you all so much for everything.
I hope you enjoy what I’m about to give you all.
Leigh: ?
Victorine: why are we reviving the chat?
Cliff Marleu has added unknown contact
Alice: who????
Nicole: Oh, fuck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Everyone, meet Jane.
Or, more well known as Shane fucking Hollander.
Denise: ????
Leigh: WHAT!!!
Laura: !!!!!!!!!
Leigh: MARLY?
Shane: Hey.
Shane: I am so sorry.
Oh, have fun.
Have all the fucking fun in the world.
Cliff Marleau has left the conversation.