Work Text:
Cliff Marleau has added Brad Hammersmith, Ryan Carmichael, Victor St-Simon, and five others to the suicide squad.
the suicide squad
October 2016
Carmichael: Oh please No.
Carmichael: I can’t do this again.
Carmichael: Can I leave? Can I please leave?
St-Simon: new groupchat?
St-Simon: cant do what?
Carmichael: Can I leave?
So.
Carmichael: No.
Varkov: No.
St-Simon: Oh. No.
Sebbin: hear him out
Rozanov’s been a piece of shit lately.
Sebbin: here we go
?
Anyway
Varkov: Lately is a lie
Varkov: When is he never not an asshole
Well he’s worse because his Montreal girl broke up with him again.
Pummel: good for her
Carmichael: Man.
NO.
NOT GOOD FOR HER.
Okay, maybe.
BUT BAD FOR US DEFINITELY
Hammersmith: we can just kill Rozanov
Hammersmith: be done with it
Hammersmith: i cant do this again marly i cant
Dubek: rozanov’s gonna kill our fucking rookies if this lasts
Dubek: i cant even move right now
Okay can everyone calm down.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
St-Simon: the important question is
St-Simon: how do we think his Montreal girl feels
Varkov: Honestly
Varkov: He deserves this for dating a Montreal girl
Carmichael: I don’t even think it matters where she’s from.
Carmichael: Even if she was from Boston or the asscrack of Antarctica.
Carmichael: We’re all gonna suffer because our captain is a DICK.
Whoa back up how sure are we that Rozanov’s the problem?
Carmichael: Seriously?
Yeah you’re right
FUCK
Pummel: Fuck Jane
St-Simon: nah…
St-Simon: i dont think shes done anything wrong…
Pummel: youre right
Pummel: Sorry Jane
Pummel: FUCK ROZANOV
Varkov: FUCK ROZANOV
Carmichael: FUCK ROZANOV
Connors: Hey guys did you see this article about Rose Landry and Shane Hollander?
Carmichael: Bad timing, man.
Connors: Oh
Connors: Give me a second to read back.
Dubek: FUCK ROZANOV
Connors: Oh….
Connors: FUCK ROZANOV
Connors: Wait why are we called the suicide squad?
Sebbin: cuz rozanov’s gonna KILL HIMSELF
I’M going to kill MYSELF.
Unknown Number
October 2016
Hi.
Pike.
This is Cliff Marleau, from the Raiders
Pike: ???
Pike: How the fuck did you get my number?
WAG network
Pike: Oh
Pike: You need something?
Do any of you know a Jane in Montreal?
Pike: ?
Pike: No
Pike: But I know a Shane.
Man you’re fucking useless
Pike: ??????
the suicide squad
October 2016
St-Simon: marly we gotta find this girl.
St-Simon: im so serious we gotta find this girl.
I am TRYING my BEST with LIMITED INFORMATION
Carmichael: What do we even know about her.
Connors: Literally nothing.
Connors: Just that her name is Jane, she’s from Montreal, and somehow
Connors: Of everyone on this team
Connors: Of every hockey player in the league
Connors: She chose to date Roz.
Connors: Rozanov. Of all people.
Pummel: damn
Pummel: cant tell if shes a martyr or a masochist
Dubek: rozy isnt that bad
St-Simon: name one positive thing
You people are no help at all.
Can’t we ask the WAGs?
I’m gonna ask the WAGs
St-Simon: u say WAGs like u dont have ur own
St-Simon: ask Nicole
Sebbin: he doesn’t wanna ask nicole cuz hes a pussy
She’s in a retreat, dumb fuck.
I’m messaging Leigh.
St-Simon: my WIFE?
Leigh St-Simon
October 2016
Hi Leigh
It’s Marly
Leigh: Hi Cliff!!!
Leigh: Whats up?
Have the WAGs ever been introduced to a Jane?
Leigh: Jane?
Leigh: Jane who?
Ah…
Rozy’s girl
Leigh: As in… longterm?
Leigh: Like, ‘i’ll ask the WAGs about her because surely they know her’ longterm?
Kind of.
It’s complicated.
It’s on again off again.
Leigh: Ah…
Leigh: And its off again now?
Haha
What do you think?
Leigh: So thats why Vicky’s been sad
Leigh: Tell Roz not to kill our husbands and boyfriends!
Why is this my job?
Leigh: 😂
the suicide squad
October 2016
St-Simon: can we plot this on a timeline actually
St-Simon: when did those two start hooking up?
I don’t even know, actually.
But for a while now, definitely.
I knew they were a thing in ‘13
Or was that ‘14
Around that time
Hammersmith: she’s been with Roz for that long?
Hammersmith: pummy’s right is she a martyr or a masochist
Varkov: That long and no WAG introduction?
Varkov: Either she’s not real or Rozanov doesn’t like her
Pummel: 😂😂😂
Dubek: nah man have u SEEN roz whenever he texts his girl
Dubek: that dude is GONE
Oh yeah definitely.
It’s REAL. She’s REAL.
First time I ever acknowledged her Roz got so defensive
[Rozanov voice] I don’t blush, Russians do not do this.
St-Simon: why’d i actually hear his voice 😀
St-Simon: scary
St-Simon: okay so, 2013/14?
Honestly?
Probably longer.
Wait let me text somebody.
Michael Zadonsky
October 2016
Hey Donsky
Zadonsky: Marly!
Zadonsky: Hey man, how’s it going?
Still good, still hanging
How’s the wife and kids?
Zadonsky: Same old
Zadonsky: Bored out of my damn mind but coaching is fun
Zadonsky: I certainly don’t miss getting my teeth replaced every three weeks
😂
Hey, listen, I have a question to ask.
Do you know about Roz’s girl? Jane?
Zadonsky: Damn, he’s still with Jane?
Zadonsky: Crazy… Doesn’t he fuck around other girls?
Somewhat? I don’t know what their arrangement is.
I just know Jane exists.
They started 2013, right?
Zadonsky: Nah, man, ‘11
Zadonsky: Late ‘11, definitely
Zadonsky: You remember that cancelled Montreal game?
Zadonsky: And Roz acted like a dick the whole ride back to the training center?
Rings a bell.
WAIT.
Zadonsky: Yeah, man.
Zadonsky: Saw their texts from over his shoulder.
Zadonsky: I think they were gonna hook up.
FUCKKKKKK
I was on his ass that day
Told him that she'll get over it.
FUCK.
That long?
How is she not a WAG.
Zadonsky: IDK what to tell you, man.
Zadonsky: Good luck
the suicide squad
October 2016
Donsky said ‘11
Connors: TWENTY ELEVEN?
St-Simon: huh
That we know of
Hammersmith: that we know of….
Hammersmith: have we considered just killing Roz
Hammersmith: like we really just have to kill him
Hammersmith: it won’t even be that hard
Sebbin: right… striking him when he’s down.
Carmichael: And risk Jane killing us?
Honestly we’d probably be doing her a favor.
And have you seen Roz’s back whenever they’d hook up.
I think she picks him up and beats him.
Dubek: good for her
Dubek: i’d beat roz up too
St-Simon: 👏😂
October 2016
r/NHL | 1 hr. Ago
Rozanov just ended this rookie’s night. Got benched after a broken nose, yikes (BOS v. DET)
boston_girl1998
did u guys see what roz did to that rookie from detroit? clean check but the kid’s nose was gone. brutal welcome to the league.
hisgirlfriday
Yeah Rozanov is going to hell, definitely.
statsheetfan
Rewatched footage…. Oof. As a paramedic…. That was harsh. But as a Raiders fan… typical Roz.
Detroit7755
As a Detroit fan: pain. Kid was finally getting minutes and then boom, face permanently changed. The Raiders need to get that dog leashed.
qathan
Not even mad at the hit lol it’s just unlucky. Happens all the time. But I gotta say Rozanov was playing extra hard tonight. What’s up with him? Didn’t even smile the whole game.
puck_bunny_69
hear me out??? that man is going through a breakup, lol. no one is that violent on a tuesday night game unless there’s something emotionally disturbing is happening at home
Detroit7755
bitch are you saying he’s playing breakup hockey?
PushThatButtonNow
“breakup hockey” dawg….
hisgirlfriday
If he’s going through a break up can he maybe process it against another team next time and maybe not on rookies? <3333
mrshollander
Jokes aside though, I hope that kid is fine.
rozanov_wife
lol he’ll be fine just cuz hollander can’t take hits on the ice doesn’t mean every hockey player is gonna be like that pussy
mrshollander
????
PuckSnark
plot twist here is that rozy’s fine and he just really hates detroit
boston_girl1998
ok fair
checkedplease
All jokes aside, I hope that rook is okay. Broken nose sucks, been there and done that, but it could be worse. Welcome to the NHL, bud. Ice pack is complimentary and included in the contract.
puck_bunny_69
yeah, wishing that kid a quick recovery… and someone check on roz’s emotional support system before his game next week!
the suicide squad
November 2016
When your girl is mad at you how do you woo your way back into the good graces?
St-Simon: ur girl mad at you Marly?
Nah
This is still good old Rozanov
Hammersmith: i keep telling you guys we should just kill him
Can you people be serious for two minutes
Hammersmith: man when my girl is mad
Hammersmith: i apologize like a grown adult
Dubek: why are you even asking us
Dubek: is HE apologizing?
Nope.
I’m dropping hints though I can’t do this anymore.
St-Simon: see this would really depend on what she’s mad at him for
St-Simon: in the first place. like do they even fight like this or
St-Simon: i know we’ve suffered over jane breakups in the past
St-Simon: but i can’t remember it being this bad
Believe it or not they have a pretty good relationship.
From what I know.
Cuz my cubby’s beside Roz’s.
Honestly their texts are generally just filth.
Varkov: Remind me to never get a cubby beside you ever.
Varkov: Or open my phone beside you.
Fuck off.
But seriously.
I don’t think it’s ever been like this.
Like they’ve broken up before, probably. Or argued.
But it’s never been this bad.
Sebbin: have we considered that maybe they’re done for good
Varkov: well yeah but we’re still suffering
Sebbin: we could also just get another captain
Carmichael: 👏
Can we get back to the topic.
Carmichael: Whenever Laura’s mad at me, like really mad at me, I woo her with flowers, a handwritten note, and then when I get home I act all house husband.
Explain.
Carmichael: I cook, I clean, I show her how fucking lucky I am to have her.
Varkov: damn ur whipped
Carmichael: And proud. That’s why I’m married and some of you are not.
Hammersmith: like i said i apologize like a grown adult
Hammersmith: with an accompanying gift, sometimes
Okay, gifts.
Got it.
Varkov: ok but u gotta time that shit
Varkov: sometimes i give my girl gifts when she’s mad at me and all it does is make it worse
Varkov: roz has to admit he’s wrong even if he’s not
Hammersmith: honestly he’s probably wrong
St-Simon: i really love that we just ran with the idea that roz is wrong
Hammersmith: are u disputing that???
St-Simon: oh no i genuinely believe he’s wrong
What do you do when Leigh’s mad at you?
St-Simon: i give her the food she likes and i do not talk
St-Simon: i keep this mouth SHUT.
Smart.
But you know Rozanov’s mouth.
That probably won’t work.
Carmichael: Okay going back
Carmichael: Has anyone asked Roz directly what he did anyway
Carmichael: Or if he did something wrong
I did.
And then he said “Is nothing, Marly. Mind your fucking business.”
St-Simon: oh he definitely did something
Fuck, I don’t even know how I’m gonna talk to him about this.
Do I break it gently.
Hammersmith: FUCK NO
Hammersmith: straight up tell him, hey cap you’re a fucking idiot. go fix it so your team doesnt have to suffer anymore.
St-Simon: nah man u gotta do it with love
Varkov: straight up slap him
You’re all useless.
But thanks.
Carmichael: Wait you didn't tell us what YOU do when your girl is mad at you
When Nicole’s mad at me I let her ride the fuck out of me until she forgets what she’s mad about.
So unless you people are willing to chip in and buy Roz a ticket to Montreal right now…
Varkov: 🤮
Raiders Locker Room
November 2016
The locker room empties in stages, people filing out one by one until the quiet starts to feel louder than the buzzing noise of the overhead fans. Cliff sits on the bench, texting Nicole what he wants for dinner, listening to the squeak of sneakers going down the hall. When he looks up again, a couple of minutes later, it’s just him and Rozanov.
Rozanov looks miserable, to put it lightly. Hair pressed flat and wet from the showers, dripping water on the floor because he didn’t even bother to towel dry properly. Didn’t bother with anything much, really. His gear’s still haphazardly packed, and his cubby is a mess. His shoulders are slumped, phone glowing in his hands. Cliff observes the motions with a keen eye. An obsessive eye, maybe. Rozanov scrolls with his thumb, pauses, scrolls back up, and then down again. Every now and then he’d click something, and his face would reflect a different color. Then he’d stare for a bit, then go back to scrolling.
It’s a cycle he keeps repeating. Cliff doesn’t even have to ask what he’s doing. The expression on his face does the work for him—tight around the mouth, sharp around the eyes, doing this weird mix of sad-angry that has been a staple in Rozanov’s limited Rolodex of expressions for a month now.
He must have had enough of the scrolling, eventually, or maybe he sees something he really doesn't like, because Rozanov finally stands and shoves his phone into his pocket, zipping his bag up before swinging it up onto his shoulder. He’s only one foot out the door when Cliff finds his courage and crosses the room.
“Hey, man,” he starts, wrapping his arm around Rozanov’s shoulder before he can pull away. “You good?”
Rozanov stills for a beat, then says, “Fine”, in a tone that conveys entirely the opposite. Cliff doesn’t let him get away with it.
“How’s Jane?”
Seems like the wrong thing to ask, if the way the shoulder under his arm tightens is any indicator. The tick in Rozanov’s jaw reappears—another one from the limited Rolodex—and he shrugs Cliff’s arm off. “There is no Jane,” he replies, voice flat and even. “Nothing is wrong with Jane.”
Sure, Cliff wants to say in response, but he doesn’t actually want to get murdered in their own locker room. Instead, he raises both his hands, backing away two steps. “Okay, okay. I just—” he shrugs. “If you ever need help. Or advice. Or something, I don’t know. I’m here, alright, man?”
For a moment, with the way Rozanov’s face falls just a bit, Cliff thinks that he might actually say something real. Open up. Admit that everything is his fault and he needs help fixing it because he’s really fucking sorry for how he’s been treating himself and the team lately like he’s in a bomb squad and there’s a bomb about to explode in the next thirty seconds. Instead, Rozanov lets out a stilted laugh. It doesn’t sound cruel. Doesn’t even have any bite. He just sounds tired, mostly. Cliff doesn’t really know what to do with that. Neither does Rozanov, apparently.
“Fuck off, Marleau,” he says, and then he turns and pushes through the door.
Cliff stands there for a few seconds, staring at the spot where Rozanov was standing. Then he exhales, rubs a hand over the stubble on his jaw, and mutters, “Well. I tried.”
the suicide squad
November 2016
Connors: Okay but have you seen the new Rose Landry and Shane Hollander photos.
Varkov: Dude what is it with you and Rose Landry and Hollander?
Connors: I like her movies! I love the X-Squad so much.
St-Simon: okay lets not rag on connors too much for having shit taste
Connors: It’s not SHIT!
Pummel: do u have a streaming link because i’m not paying for no fucking hollander movie
Connors: HOLLANDER IS NOT IN THE MOVIE
St-Simon: then why even bring him up man just talk about landry
Connors: I just think it’s interesting that they’re dating, that’s all.
Connors: Doesn’t seem like a good match.
Sorry to interrupt your very important conversation but can we talk about ROZANOV.
Pummel: here we go
Connors: What did he do now.
St-Simon: pls say “nothing”
😂😂😂😂😂
I wish. I fucking WISH.
He kicked the vending machine but forgot he was wearing slides so he hit his toe really hard.
And now he’s mad because he gotta ice it.
And is taking it out on ME.
ME.
Dubek: nah I think smithy’s right we gotta kill him
Dubek: feels like that’s the only solution
Dubek: manzy says his ribs are bruised cuz of rozanov
St-Simon: manzy who
Dubek: oh my friend from the drillers
St-Simon: shit
Connors: He snapped at Jacobi the other day.
Varkov: Equipment guy Jacobi?
Connors: You know other Jacobis?
Varkov: Fuck off.
No but like seriously.
This is getting annoying.
He’s listening to Drake.
Sebbin: he dont even like drake
So that’s how you know he’s in a mood.
We really need to do something.
Varkov: Like what
Varkov: Intervention?
Connors: How about something that won’t make Roz want to kill us.
St-Simon: i will admit that is funny to imagine
St-Simon: sitting roz down and going hey man this isn’t you
St-Simon: like that kermit meme
Sebbin: well its that or we let him simmer until he explodes and kills the team
Sebbin: kills the team OR kills everyone in montreal
Connors: 😂
Dubek: just making sure this is still about jane right
St-Simon: man when is it not about jane
Pummel: the jane shadow that haunts the narrative
Dubek: who taught you that phrase?
Pummel: new girlfriend is a lit professor
St-Simon: damn how’d an idiot like you bag that
Pummel: man fuck you
LOOK
CAN WE FOCUS
What’s the plan.
Varkov: YOU made this chat.
Varkov: What is YOUR plan?
I genuinely have no idea.
Maybe I’ll try again with the WAGs?
Pummel: godspeed my brother
Pummel: they dont even know who the fuck jane is
Pummel: im just saying it’s not too late to kill rozy
We gotta come up with better solutions that aren’t just killing him.
WAGs and Marly
November 2016
Nicole: Look, he asked.
Nicole: He needs help. Apparently. “For the safety of our men, our team, our beloved Boston.”
Thanks babe.
Hey everyone.
Leigh: Cliff!
Victorine: hi marleau
Laura: hiiii
Denise: oh hey marly what’s this for lol
Alice: hello everyone what is This
Leigh: Is this still the Jane thing?
Nicole: What Jane thing?
Nicole: You got something to say, babe? 🤨
Oh fuck, no Nic.
But yes to the Jane thing.
Sorry, Leigh, can you explain I just gotta pull over.
Leigh: I don’t really know much, either!
Leigh: But Cliff texted me about a month ago asking if I knew a Jane.
Leigh: Or if we knew a Jane. Who is apparently Roz’s longterm girlfriend.
Alice: Roz has a girlfriend?
Laura: rozy has a LONGTERM GIRLFRIEND?
Victorine: u make it sound like it’s impossible for him to have one 😂😭
Leigh: Yes, they’re longterm. I don’t know why she’s not a WAG either.
Nicole: How long is long term?
Denise: same question
Leigh: Vicky says since 2011?
Denise: EXCUSE ME?
Victorine: brad and i have only been together a grand total of 4 years
Victorine: and i got into the WAG chat like, six months in
Victorine: and ur telling me roz has had a girlfriend since 2011
Denise: AND WE DON’T KNOW HER?
Okay, I’ve pulled over.
To be fair, they’re not really “official” official.
And this is also why I asked for Pike’s number last month.
Nicole: Ohhhhh
Leigh: Cliff said they’re on-again off-again.
Nicole: But in an exclusive way? Because Roz doesn’t do the same hookups more than thrice.
Victorine: right
Laura: it concerns me that we know that
Alice: wait so… they’re broken up now?
Alice: first of all is she even REAL.
Trust me, she’s real.
And they always fuck when we have a game against Montreal.
That’s how I know. Because Roz plays better.
And has scratches on his back.
Sorry for the language, ladies.
Nicole: Oh please, you say worse around me.
Alice: i’m sorry i’m really baffled by the concept of us not knowing a WAG
Leigh: Right! A WAG that’s indirectly affecting our team, at that 😀
Laura: FUCKKKK is that why ryan’s been lying to skip practice
Carmichael’s been lying?
I’ll kill him.
Laura: fuckkk
Laura: dont tell him you found out from me or i’ll kill YOU
Victorine: wait so what do you want us to do then marly?
I was hoping you’d use your powers for good.
For the benefit of the team.
Our safety.
Boston’s safety.
Dare I say, even Montreal’s safety.
Nicole: I guess we can talk to the Montreal WAGs?
Laura: oh yeah we can ask pike’s wife. Jackie.
Laura: anyone got her number?
Denise: i do!
Denise: i can text her
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Denise: lol
Denise: anything to stop stephen from whining about roz beating you all up
the suicide squad
November 2016
Connors: Rose Landry spotted wearing a Hollander jersey in an MTL v. BUF game.
Dubek: do you just come here to send updates about rose landry and shane hollander
Connors: Sorry, I have no one to talk about this to.
Sebbin: try getting laid
St-Simon: 😂
Connors: Fuck all three of you.
Dubek: we’re getting fucked and ur not. everybody point and laugh at this loser.
Varkov: Fuck Hollander.
Hammersmith: woah.
Hammersmith: i mean yeah sure but what prompted this
Varkov: still thinking about his michigan from earlier
Carmichael: FUCK
Carmichael: Yeah that was nasty.
Carmichael: But what did we expect from Hollander.
St-Simon: fair
St-Simon: fuck montreal and all but he’s a damn good player
Dubek: shitttt don’t let rozy hear you say that
St-Simon: no shit
St-Simon: then he'll def kill us all
Denise Dubek
November 2016
Denise: bad news and good news, which one do you want to hear first?
Bad news, always.
Denise: okay so, bad news, I talked to Jackie Pike and some other Montreal WAGs
Denise: who are very nice women by the way so keep them out of your chirping and shit talk
Of course.
Denise: so bad news is that they don’t really know any well known Jane
Denise: or at least one very involved in hockey
Denise: and you said she’s there when you play games against Montreal, right?
Yeah.
Denise: yeah, they asked their partners and they don’t know any janes either.
Denise: and okay to be fair we don’t have much going for us
Denise: other than the fact that she’s jane and she lives in Montreal
Denise: can u at least ask Rozanov if he can give us her number?
He gets mad if he even feels like we’re gonna mention her.
I do not wanna do suicides again.
Stop on the line, Marly, not before it! Do it again. Give me 20! Fuck him.
Denise: 😭
Denise: but good news at least is that Hollander is miserable too, apparently
Denise: though the Montreal WAGs don't know why
That’s not really helping.
Also he’s dating Rose Landry so what the fuck does he have to be miserable for.
But thank you anyway, Denise, you are a godsent.
Denise: lol no problem
Denise: i hope roz finds his peace soon!!!
young wild and free - Boston BOYSSSSSS
November 2016
Rozanov: Practice starts at 5 AM tomorrow.
Rozanov: Every minute you are late is 5 additional minutes of lateral suicides.
the suicide squad
November 2016
Hammersmith: we straight up have to kill him it is our only option
St-Simon: seconded
November 2016
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
Anyone else notice how Ilya looked both sad AND pissed during the game? My bby was playing like he had a storm cloud following him around the ice ☹️
Mari @sadilyas
I can’t believe my username was true on the ice that night UGHHHH this is even worse than the last MTL game like at least then Roz was just regular angry.
coral @alltimehole
yeah smth was seriously off with rozanov tonight like he played good im glad we won but the vibes were rancid… who hurt him…
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
And not that I’m concerned about Hollander or whatever but that check on the boards was HARD. And he just skated off.
Emmaline @replayjunkie22
ran to YT to watch a replay it genuinely looked like ilya wanted to kill shane lol
Hannah @hollanovhours
obviously rozanov and hollander are in a lover’s quarrel
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
@hollanovhours OMG pls log off.
Brandon Howard @StatGuy87
@hollanovhours This is the most delusional, faggot shit I’ve read today. Keep that bull away from the ice.
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
@StatGuy87 Okay so we don’t accept homophobia around here you can just say she’s wrong and move on. Blocked.
Hannah @hollanovhours [quote retweeted]
so im for real the only one who felt the tension????
Ilya Rozanov’s future WAG ♥️ @rozanovbby
Anyone else notice how Ilya looked both sad AND pissed during the game? My bby was playing like he had a storm cloud following him around the ice ☹️
laine @inmywallet
@hollanovhours okay hannah i love u but there was tension because its a game between two old rival hockey teams and hollander and rozanov have been pitted against each other since they were like, rookies.
Hannah @hollanovhours
@inmywallet 🙁
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas [quote retweeted]
sorry i cant get over this a LOVER’S QUARREL? dont talk about me or my son (shane hollander) ever again
Hannah @hollanovhours
obviously rozanov and hollander are in a lover’s quarrel
jess @jesbianism
@shanecinemas ctfu as if rozanov didn’t just try to put hollander through the boards like he wanted to kill him
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
@jesbianism tbf rozanov looked like he was going thru shit lol my gf is a raiders fan and she was more concerned about rozanov looking like hell than rejoicing over the fact that they won
jess @jesbianism
@shanecinemas im buying into the breakup theory they’re talking about in r/BostonRaiders
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
@jesbianism oh? 👀
jess @jesbianism
@shanecinemas yeah apparently rozanov got broken up with a month ago and that’s why he’s been like that but who even fucking cares be a man get over it
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
@jesbianism okay but what if it’s the hottest most beautiful girl in the world
jess @jesbianism
@shanecinemas this dyke…
jess @jesbianism
@shanecinemas lowkey tho whatever it is i hope he figures it out by the next game cuz i cannot stand shaneypoo getting hurt like that. hollander should be off limits.
the suicide squad
November 2016
Connors: MARLY.
Connors: ANYONE.
Connors: DUDE. ANYONE ALIVE?
Hammersmith: WHAT.
Connors: Cap…
Please tell me he did not kill himself.
St-Simon: that’s your first thought????
Connors: CLUBBING
Connors: He wants to go CLUBBING.
Dubek: SHITTTTT
Carmichael: I’m down…
It’s 10 PM
Dubek: perfect clubbing hours???
Dubek: ur old as FUCKKKKKK
FUCK YOU.
How’s Rozanov?
Connors: He’s stalking around our room like he’s fucking insane.
Connors: Honestly Marly please come here I’m scared.
Sebbin: grown ass man
Sebbin: thats directed at both of you
Connors: You try being here.
Sebbin: lol no thanks
Fuck, you know what.
Sure. Fuck it.
Lets go out.
And I hope he gets laid tonight.
November 2016
Jennifer Prince | Marleau Lover @MARLYborobaby
Holy shit I wish I was kidding but I’m in this club in Montreal and half the Raiders are here (my baby included of course) but also ROSE LANDRY is HERE with SHANE HOLLANDER. This is going to be so funny.
the suicide squad
November 2016
Okay everyone, don’t panic.
Has anyone seen Roz?
Hammersmith: saw him somewhere by the bar dancing with a blonde
Hammersmith: but that was a while ago
Hammersmith: why?
Carmichael: Went outside, I think. He stormed the fuck out lol. Almost made me drop my drink when he bumped into me.
Carmichael: Fucking dick.
Carmichael: Why?
Shit.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
St-Simon: dude why
St-Simon: his coat is still here at our table
Okay so he was mad.
Genuine anger. He was dancing though but then he went to the bathroom.
Punched the door of a stall.
Then stormed out.
I tried to stop him but he said to fuck off and leave him alone.
And there’s so many fucking people here.
Hammersmith: ok but what happened?
Hammersmith: he was fine-ish like, an hour ago
No, I know.
That’s why I’m fucking confused.
The switch is so fast.
Dubek: wait…
Dubek: oh fuck
Dubek: you don’t think…
Sebbin: ?
Dubek: dude. look around. remember where we are.
Sebbin: in the club??
Dubek: Sebs you fucking idiot we’re in MONTREAL.
No.
No way.
NO WAY.
Carmichael: NOPE.
Carmichael: WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?
Sebbin: wait wait wait you think Montreal Jane was here? IS HERE?
Sebbin: JANE?
SHIT.
FUCKKKKKKKK.
Connors: Hey guys did you know Rose Landry is here?
Sebbin: dude, not the time
Connors: why do I always get here when you people are in the middle of something.
Connors: give me a minute
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Connors: Holy shittttttttt
Connors: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sebbin: oh my god oh my god oh my god
I CANNOT BELIEVE
WE BROUGHT ROZANOV
TO THE CLUB WHERE HIS GIRL IS
AND MADE HIS LIFE WORSE
Hammersmith: man we are so fucking stupid i gotta tell tori about this
Carmichael: In our defense this is the most popular club in montreal
Carmichael: How the fuck are we supposed to know
St-Simon: ok this is all speculation.
St-Simon: it could be about anything else.
Hammersmith: still, if she was here…
St-Simon: then u have to admit it’s a little funny.
IT WOULD BE FUNNY IF IT’S NOT ROZANOV
It’s already such a chore trying to steer him away from killing US.
And now he’s going to kill HIMSELF.
And the fact that none of you FOLLOWED HIM.
St-Simon: in my defense i was busy trying to prevent connors from ordering something that was on fire
Connors: Fuck off and leave me alone.
This is great, guys.
Really helpful.
We’ve lost our emotionally compromised captain.
Hammersmith: look at this point we gotta put up signs
Hammersmith: billboards all over montreal
Hammersmith: Do You Know A Jane Who Just Broke Up With Her Boston Boy? Tell Her Rozanov Is Sorry.
Hammersmith: shit i’ll pay for it
Dubek: roz will be fine
Dubek: yes to the billboard i won’t lie thats hilarious as fuck
Fine.
FINE?
Do you honestly think he’ll be fine.
There’s a door in the bathroom that’s hanging off one hinge.
Hammersmith: well look at the bright side
Hammersmith: i doubt rozy’s gonna kill himself in montreal
Sebbin: might kill everybody in montreal though
Sebbin: everyone except his girl, cuz you know roz is gonna be on his knees begging her to take him back
Hammersmith: after he kills everyone in montreal?
Sebbin: after he kills everyone in montreal.
You’re all such great fucking help.
I’m so lucky to have you as teammates.
St-Simon: okay when are we gonna blame connors
Connors: FUCK DID I DO?
Carmichael: Dude… you were the one who said to go clubbing.
Connors: HE wanted to go clubbing. OUR CAPTAIN told ME to tell you all that HE wanted to GO CLUBBING.
St-Simon: ok then marly’s fault for choosing the club
Okay in my defense, Montreal Jane was not factored into the plans at all.
I was hoping he’d get his dick wet tonight, not fucking step on a landmine.
Okay. Fuck.
I’ll go outside and check.
If he’s not outside what do I do?
Hammersmith: tell coach to start preparing roz’s in memoriam.
Homeboy Rozyyyyy
November 2016
Hey.
Roz. Dude.
Where’d you go?
We’re still at the club, dude, in case you forgot.
You good?
(seen 1:14 AM)
Okay, cool, man. Love the silence.
Look Roz I just wanna know if you’re cool, dude.
Making sure you didn’t get into a fight.
Or fall into a ditch.
Please confirm that you aren’t bleeding or committing a felony.
I’m not fucking bailing you out.
(seen 1:20 AM)
I’m outside. If you’re not around just say so.
And because Smithy’s taking bets and I’d like to win.
I said you’re heading back to the hotel.
(seen 1:28 AM)
Dude.
Just send proof of life or something.
An emoji. Or anything.
Rozanov: Heading back to the hotel.
Thank fuck.
You want company?
Rozanov: No.
Okay. I’ll tell everyone to leave you alone.
Text me when you’re in your room.
Rozanov: Fuck off, Marleau.
👍
Royale, Boston
December 2016
“How did he deal with it?”
Cliff blinks, once, then another time. Rozanov is a blur in front of him; he has to refocus his eyes to really see that it’s even him talking, under the strobing lights. Rozanov’s glass is sweating condensation into his hand, but he doesn’t seem to be minding it. He’s not looking at Cliff. His eyes are staring directly at the table.
“Sorry?”
“Pummel. How did he deal with his last breakup before his new girl?”
“Uh,” Cliff replies, less eloquent than he likes to under the influence of about a hundred shots and some beers. “What?”
“You know. The bad one.” He gestures vaguely with his glass to the dance floor where Sebbins, Pummel, and Hammersmith are doing some awkward variation of a three-man dance, arms everywhere, hitting each other and other people while laughing it all off. “He was so fucking sad. And annoying. But then he was normal again, after a while.”
Cliff’s first thought, really, is that he’s mishearing Rozanov. But then he actually processes the words and realizes, with an awful clarity, that he is not hallucinating the conversation. Somehow, this is worse. “Why are you asking me about Pummel’s breakup?”
Rozanov finally lifts his eyes then, a little glass. Cliff isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or the conversation. Or something else entirely. “Because you are the one who made him do stupid things to get his mind off it.”
Cliff opens his mouth and then closes it, then opens it again, sure he’s looking like a fish in front of Rozanov. It’s new territory. Fucking uncharted waters. He almost wishes that St-Simon was there with him, because he’s the one more in touch with his emotions compared to Cliff. It’s the first time that Rozanov is even saying the word breakup out loud. The first time that Jane’s absence has taken a shape so tangible that Cliff can poke at it. Prod at it a little. See what would make Rozanov tick.
“Oh,” he starts. “I mean… It’s not like he dealt with it fine at first.”
“Shocking.”
“Pummel wasn’t sleeping. Overtraining. You were there.”
“I was mostly tuning you all out. Too busy being the best.”
Cliff snorts. “Oh fuck off. Point is, he let it be bad for a bit. And then he stopped pretending he was fine. And then…”
Rozanov leans in. “Then?”
“It got less loud. That’s what he said when we got drunk in his room. Cried his ass off then said “it’s less loud now, thanks,” and then went to sleep.”
Rozanov looks back down at his drink. Rolls the glass between his palms. “Less loud,” he repeats, testing and tasting the words. Cliff nods even though Rozanov can’t see him. Then—
“Is it… Jane?”
Rozanov’s jaw clenches, grinding his teeth together. For a second, Cliff thinks he’s misstepped and is about to get told to fuck off again. But Rozanov, surprising as ever, exhales loudly instead, then runs his fingers through his hair. “There is no Jane,” he says, then pauses, and adds, in a softer voice, “There was. Now there isn’t.”
“That sucks.”
“Yes, I know,” Rozanov agrees, and there is no heat when he says it. None of the childish petulance that Cliff has come to associate with Rozanov whenever he’s in one of his moods. He just seems tired, all of a sudden, tipping the last of his watery drink back and then making a face at the empty glass. “Pummel… How long before he stopped wanting to put holes in walls?”
“Couple months,” Cliff laughs. “And a couple beers. His liver doesn't like him anymore, that's for sure.”
Rozanov smiles, but it dies quickly on his face. “I don’t want to be… like this.”
“Like what, man?”
He points a finger to his chest, taps it. “Like I am carrying broken glass here.”
“Roz…”
“And I do not want to think about her anymore. Jane,” he whispers, so much fondness in the tone. Like he can’t bring himself to hate her at all even after all that has happened. After all the damage she’s done. “Jane, Jane, Jane. I think about her all the time. When I sleep, I wonder if Jane is sleeping too. When I go out, I wonder if Jane would be mad at me for staying out late. When I smoke, I hear Jane’s voice nagging me, telling me cigarette is smelly cancer stick and I will die young. My Jane who is no longer my Jane. Still in my mind even when I know she is not thinking about me anymore.”
Cliff’s throat tightens a little. He glances back at the dance floor, then back at Rozanov. “You don’t have to do it alone, you know?”
Rozanov’s mouth twists. “I am very bad at not doing things alone.”
“Yeah,” Cliff snorts. “We’ve noticed.”
They sit there for a while, the bass from the speakers vibrating through the table, the lights—less strobe-like now, more brief flashes of blues and golds—sliding over them. A bartender eventually approaches their table, dropping a napkin between them and raising her brows in a silent question. Rozanov pushes his empty glass forward. “Water, please.”
“Look at you, taking care of yourself.” He doesn’t tack a ‘for Jane’ at the end, even though he wants to. He’s not sure if Rozanov is at that stage yet, joking about the breakup with, apparently, the love of his life.
“Don’t,” Rozanov rolls his eyes. The bartender comes back eventually, setting the water down in front of Rozanov. He takes a careful sip. Then says, “Pummel… he is okay now, yes?”
“Oh, yeah,” Cliff shrugs. “I mean, sometimes he’d remember her and go quiet. But his new girl helps. We’re meeting her soon, apparently. She’s a literature professor. Real smart.”
Rozanov nods. “Good. Good. Okay.” Then he stands, a little unsteady on his feet, then steadies himself with the table. “I think I’m going home.”
“Want me to walk you to the—”
“No,” Rozanov answers, waving Cliff off. “But thank you.”
Cliff smiles. “No problem, man. Anytime. Even if you tell me to fuck off afterward.”
Rozanov smiles too, almost cocky. “I probably will.”
A loud laugh tears free from Cliff’s chest, through his lips. “Roz. You wouldn’t be our captain if you don’t.”
the suicide squad
December 2016
Varkov: Okay, Marly, what did you do to Roz.
Good morning to you too, fuckface.
What.
Varkov: Practice at 10? Normal amount of drills? No laterals?
Carmichael: REALLY?
Carmichael: nah man what did u do…
St-Simon: maybe he killed him and that’s not roz anymore
Chill.
He’ll be fine. I think he’s okay now. I hope.
Dubek: ??
Hammersmith: i’m believing vicky
December 2016
People Magazine @people
Rose Landry and Shane Hollander have broken up. In a statement to People, Landry confirms that the split was “amicable” and that she “remains good friends with Shane.” No word yet from Hollander’s camp. Wishing them both the best as they move forward.
closed. @hollandries
NOOOOOOOOO. DELETE. DELETE.
shane hollander’s hole @shanecinemas
welp. cant say i didnt see that coming… wishing them the best!
rosie @landryhivesss
“amicable” uh no lets all be emotionally stunted about this <3333
Loyal Landry 💋 @LandryLoyalty
If Rose says they’re good, I believe her. Still sad though. They were so cute. 💔
Hollander Defense Squad @DefendShaneH
Respect for keeping it classy. But wow, this one hurts!
Hannah @hollanovhours [quote retweeted]
WE ARE SO BACK.
People Magazine @people
Rose Landry and Shane Hollander have broken up. In a statement to People, Landry confirms that the split was “amicable” and that she “remains good friends with Shane.” No word yet from Hollander’s camp. Wishing them both the best as they move forward.
closed. @hollandries
@hollanovhours girl be normal
January 2017
ESPN @ESPN
Montreal Metros’ Shane Hollander has been named captain of the East Coast team for the 2017 NHL All-Star Game in Tampa Bay, Florida! 🏒✨
ESPN @ESPN
For the first time ever, Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov will be teammates at the NHL All-Star Game! Things are about to get heated 🔥 #HollanderRozanov
Hannah @hollanovhours
i am the most vindicated woman in history HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME ONLY
Homeboy Rozyyyyy
March 2021
Hey, Roz.
Just checking in. Saw the news.
And I want to let you know that this doesn’t change things, man.
You’re my friend. Always. It doesn’t fucking matter.
I have your back. The Raiders have your back.
Rozanov: Thank you, Marly.
How’s Hollander?
Rozanov: He’s okay.
Rozanov: He will be okay. He has me.
Rozanov: Shane says thank you.
No problem.
Take care, Roz.
Rozanov: You too.
Rozanov: See you soon.
the suicide squad
July 2021
Yo.
Hammersmith: why are we reviving this chat
Hammersmith: there’s no montreal jane anymore marly let it go
Connors: Really, on the day of Rozanov’s wedding?
Fuck, wrong chat.
Fuck you.
I was asking where you guys are.
Thought this was the big Raiders chat.
Where are you all?
Connors: Out back, by the porch. Most of us.
Okay.
Really? No chairs?
Varkov: these fucking weirdos deserve each other
“Aw, dude, gross.”
Pummel groans, his misery mixing in with the chimes of laughter from everyone else. “I know, I know. I’m fucking happy to be retired though. You don’t really know true living until you’ve retired and gotten to sleep in for an entire week.”
“That’s the only perk?”
“That and no more captains yelling at you for being lazy.”
The group laughs louder, then raises their glasses to cheers. Cliff sways lightly on his feet, feeling the warm summer night’s air whip through his hair, then his cheek. He pulls Nicole close, then presses a kiss on her hairline. The rest of the Raiders in front of him—Rozanov’s cohort, most of whom have either retired or transferred to other teams—trade stories, half of which are exaggerated, the other half outright lies, but it’s all affectionate. Soft. Some part of Cliff misses it, though Pummel is right. He wouldn’t trade retirement for anything in the world, not even another Cup.
“My brothers!”
Cliff turns around, seeing Hollander and Rozanov walking hand in hand. They look ridiculously, impossibly happy. And maybe a little drunk, but who isn’t? He’s pretty sure he saw Rose Landry dancing on top of a table somewhere. Lack of chairs aside, it had been a good wedding, and it currently is a good reception. The free flowing alcohol helps a lot.
“There’s the happy couple! Hey, Roz, congrats. You too, Hollander.” Varkov says, clapping Rozanov’s shoulder first then Hollander’s.
“Thank you. I am very happy, yes?” Rozanov responds, pulling Hollander close beside him and planting a loud, wet kiss to his cheek. Hollander doesn’t seem to mind. “I can officially say I have the best spouse in all of the League. No offense, Nicole.”
“None taken,” Nicole replies, rolling her eyes. “Congrats.”
A few of the older Raiders crowd Rozanov and Hollander in, giving married-life advice while in various stages of sobriety. Cliff glances at each of them with a wry smile, nodding along, keeping his mouth shut because his own wife is standing beside him and he’s bound to get a few odd stares from her when he starts giving advice he doesn’t necessarily follow. It’s good. All fun.
Until Carmichael, obviously feeling the effects of having one too many, opens his loud fucking mouth. “So fucking glad we don’t have to babysit Rozanov anymore.”
“Carmichael,” Cliff warns, shaking his head. From the corner of his eye, he sees Sebbin make cutting gestures across his throat.
“Man, come on—” Pummel starts, but Carmichael cuts him off immediately, lips too loose. Hollander tilts his head, curious.
“What do you mean?” He asks. Rozanov leans in too. Carmichael grins, completely oblivious to the trap he’s willingly walking into.
“Oh, man. You don’t know about Montreal Jane? God, Rozanov used to be such a fucking menace. Real fucking annoying—”
Cliff tries again. “Carmichael—”
“No, let him continue,” Rozanov swats his arm. “Go on.”
“You wouldn’t believe how awful Rozy would get whenever they’d break up. And it got so bad in 2016. So awful,” Carmichael slurs, drawing his vowels out. “Like you wouldn’t believe it. You’d have—you’d think the world ended, the way he acted. And we were stuck with him!”
A pause. Then, Hollander bursts out laughing. Rozanov joins him, a full-bodied and loud laugh that makes everyone in the circle blink in confusion. Hollander, still giggling, claps Carmichael on the back.
“Well, thank you for taking care of him.”
That breaks the trance, in a way. Everyone breaks into awkward chuckling, loosening up just the slightest bit. No one really knew how Hollander would react to the idea of Jane, but at least he’s not ballistic. Or glaring at Rozanov and demanding they talk. A win, in Cliff’s book. Sebbin shakes his head, steps further into the circle until he’s beside Carmichael. “Okay, but it has to be a little funny.”
“What’s funny?” Rozanov asks.
“You met two of your soulmates in Montreal. Girl soulmate and boy soulmate. And we didn’t even know what happened with Jane after 2016. But I guess none of it matters now, right? ‘Cause Hollander’s gone and tied you down.”
Hollander and Rozanov break into laughter again. Cliff’s brows furrow, and suspicion creeps in from his gut up to his neck, then his throat, until, “What’s so funny?” He asks cautiously.
The laughter slows for a second, just long enough for a mischievous glint to shine in Hollander’s eyes. Rozanov pulls him close for another kiss to the cheek, this time much softer than the first one. “Nothing. It’s just… well, it’s so good to finally and formally meet you all,” Hollander says, holding his hand out, a smirk plastered on his face that reminds Cliff eerily, eerily, of Rozanov. He sees his life flash before his eyes. “I’m Jane.”