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Valentine’s day. You wouldn’t think criminals would care about that sort of holidays. Besides Calendar man anyway. Unless you knew how many of them were dating. This year Joker proposed something none of them expected.
As per usual, they were just sat around the hideout, plotting some new scheme to take over Gotham. Riddler was leaning against Scarecrow as he scribbled down riddles, trying to think of a good one to stump the bat. His makeshift cushion was reading a book, one of his hands idly running though ginger locks. Across the coffee table from them, Two-Face and Acid were going over blueprints. To the right of them, a group of other rogues gathered around Polkadot man practicing his pole dancing. The hideout was quiet and nice, the tv faintly playing. Joker sat watching them all, Harley and Ivy talking next to him. He glanced over at the calendar on the wall nearest to him, several dotting the hideout walls by insistence of Calendar man. A big red circle surrounded the following day; February 14th. Joker wasn’t dating Batman per se but they definitely had something going on. He suddenly realised that Harley and Ivy were talking about their valentines plans, and how they didn’t have any. An idea.
“Hey guys! What if we did like a double date on valentines but with a bunch of us!”
Several sets of eyes turned to Joker, silence.
“…We can use it was a way to fuck with Batman?” Several shrugs, nods, and murmurs of agreement filled the room. So it was settled. Planning started immediately.
Bruce raised an eyebrow at the heart shaped box Alfred handed him. “Valentines chocolates? Who would send me these?”
“I don’t know Master Bruce, perhaps it could be a secret admirer, or one of the many people you’ve seen over the years.”
Ignoring the comment, Bruce undid the ribbon and opened the box. A note sat upon the chocolates, a location and time written in cursive. Signed “J”. Joker. He should have known. Bruce sighed as he stood up from the desk and pulled on his cowl. He only had twenty minutes to get there. Shame. He didn’t even have time to get ready.
Exactly as the clock hit 3, Batman entered the abandoned theme park. Rides groaned to life, music crackling over the speakers as ancient lights flickered on. Directly in front of him, the entrance to a mirror maze had a spray painted heart around the door, alongside red arrows. Tightening his grip on his batarang as he entered, he could only fear what lay ahead.
Distorted versions of himself surrounded Batman as he walked through the maze, laughter echoing of the walls. Then Joker stepped out.
“Hey Batsy!”
“Joker! What is this? What’s are you up to?”
“We got a surprise for ya! Follow me!” Joker vanished back into the mirrors. Batman quickly rushed after him, following the sound of his giggles. He emerged from the other side of the maze, stumbling into… a restaurant of some sort? Several decorated tables filled the room, flowers and candles on each of them. Most of them contained a couple of rogues, each of them on their own date. Right in front of Batman, was Joker sat at a table with an empty seat. “Cmon Bats!”
Reluctantly, he sat across from Joker. “Why have you brought me to a restaurant?”
“Because it’s a date silly! Happy valentines!”
Batman blinked. “What? A date? Hang on you mean between us?”
Joker gave him a look. “No between me and Superman. Yes between us.” Joker’s voice lowered and softened, his usual manic grin exchanging for a small smile. “I hate you Batman.. there’s no one else I’d want to spend my valentines with.”
It took a while for Batman to come up with a response, not really expecting it. “I hate you too Joker” He eventually mumbled, looking down at the table and hoping his cowl covered the flush coming to his cheeks. Some cheers and whoops echoed from the other tables. He hadn’t even noticed they’d stopped talking to listen to their conversation, too focused on Joker. As he glanced at them, he realised that this wasn’t just rogues happening to be there, but they were on their own dates as well. It hadn’t even occurred to him that some of the rogues were together. He knew of Harley and Ivy’s relationship and that was about it. His gaze scanned across the room, noticing the other tables and who was seated together: Riddler and Scarecrow, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, and Two-Face and Acid. Those were clearly couples. Though at other tables rogues seemed to be sat together as friends.
Joker cleared his throat and Batman’s attention snapped back to him. “Shall we drink to this occasion?” Glasses clinked as they drank.
A waiter came around, on rollerskates of course, and asked them if they were ready to order. Joker started listing off what he wanted as Batman looked over the menu. As much as he should probably be arresting them all right now, he was hungry and part of him wanted to see where this would go. Lobster thermidor was written in a section labeled hottest picks. Did Joker somehow know that was his favourite food or was it coincidence? Either way, he would happily have it. Once the waiter left, he sat back in his chair with his arms crossed, eyeing up Joker.
“Did you really just do this for a date?”
“Is it so hard to believe that I want to just go on a date with you?”
“Well yes! You’re a criminal! Of course I’m suspicious this is just a trap.”
Joker gasped in offence, placing his hand over his chest. “I would never do such a thing!”
Batman just gave him a look, before sipping from his glass. “I’m fairly certain this isn’t the first time we’ve been on a date. If I remember correctly, last time, I ended up with a broken leg, and you lot back in Arkham Asylum.”
“That was one time Bats! Have some faith in me that I just want a nice date with ya!”
Batman scoffed but decided to hold his tongue. It wasn’t long before food came, and it looked surprisingly good. He wouldn’t put it past Joker to have held some world class chef at gunpoint for this. He was hesitant to dig in, it was unlikely but what if it was poisoned or something? Surely not. Joker was happily eating away at his meal. After more contemplation, he took a bite. A soft hum left him in appreciation. He had to admit it tasted good. Jokers grin widened, and Batman’s vision went black.
Poking with him with the fork to make sure he was definitely out, Joker laughed. “What an idiot!” The clown got up from his seat and skipped to the other side of the table, sitting the Dark Knight up and wiping food off his face with a napkin. He pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaving a bright red lipstick stain. “Sweet dreams Batsy”
When Batman came to, bright pink lights surrounded him. A groan left him as he blinked blearily, shifting in the chair he was sat in. He wasn’t restrained to it like he expected.
“You’re awake! Good. Now we can have the best part of our date!” A voice he’d recognise anywhere sung from behind him, its owner stepping into view. He’d changed, his usual purple suit absent in favour of a pink and red one, small hearts embroidered across the sleeves. The clowns makeup had changed as well, pink eyeshadow and lined hearts. It was cute.
Wait what.
Batman mentally slapped himself for that thought. He shouldn’t think that about his greatest enemy. His greatest enemy that was moving to sit on his lap with a grin. His greatest enemy that was moving closer to his face and tilting his head, shutting his eyes. His greatest enemy that kissed him. Not a moment of hesitation before kissing him back.
“Sorry for knocking you out… Rest of the rogues still wanted to mess with ya.”
“I suppose you better make up for it then Joker.”
“Oh I will Batsy.”
Maybe this valentines date wasn’t so bad after all.