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Izuku hummed, soft and low, into the darkness of the night, letting the cold wind chill his bones and remind him that he was still alive, remind him that he could feel. The meds had helped, they'd quieted the screaming voices telling him that he wasn't enough, telling him that even with this quirk he was still a good for nothing, useless deku. A null. Someone even Fate didn't care for. Those voices had quieted, and it was so much of a relief that Izuku doubted he'd ever be able to give it up. It just... quieted everything else too. Maybe it was the lessoning of the anxiety that removed the desperate need to spend time with his friends for fear he would lose them, but he had thought there was also a simple desire to be around them before. Now it felt like he had barely seen them in weeks outside of classes and he had fallen out of touch. He just... didn't know why.
He'd been working hard, training to be the hero All Might claimed he could be. He spent all his time out of class either in the gym, working on homework or improving his analysis skills. He needed to get better, to be better. Still, no matter how hard he worked, he couldn’t help but wonder if somewhere out there there was a villain working just as hard, becoming even bigger, even more of a threat. Too big for Izuku to handle. It was going to break him, to drive him absolutely crazy one day. Not today though. Not just yet. As fragile as he felt, he wasn’t going to break. Not for a while.
"Midoriya? Are you okay out here?" Aizawa-Sensei's voice cut through the silence that had resulted in Izuku's mind being filled with thoughts and voices and ideas.
"Yeah, I'm..." Izuku sighed before shrugging lightly, staring off into the distance. He wasn’t anything really. Just tired, empty, lost. Aizawa-Sensei hummed lightly, a sound of soft acknowledgment and understanding as he moved to sit next to Izuku, not saying anything, not pressing for any answers, just sitting down cross legged, matching Izuku. Several minutes of silence past as Izuku uncertainly eyed the man, his mind a quiet softness that he could at least do something with. He didn't want to think about himself though, so instead he thought about his teacher, always tired, always dead eyed stare, always willing to help but just as eager to have a nap. The concept seemed a lot like how Izuku felt overall.
"Sensei?" Izuku asked, finally breaking the silence. Aizawa-Sensei looked over, a slight tilt to his head encouraging Izuku to continue, "Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?"
Aizawa-Sensei hummed thoughtfully, looking back out into the darkness of the night for several seconds before returning to meet Izuku's gaze.
"Yeah, I think everyone does to some extent, though some do far more often than others. Do you?"
"I'm not talking like tired tired, more like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die? 'Cause I know I don't wanna die, that's not, that's not an issue for me, I swear, but I just... I don't know, I feel like I'm only surviving 'cause i gotta, you know?" Izuku explained, his words speeding up into a ramble only to slow all the way back down as he trailed off. He just had to survive.
Once more Aizawa-Sensei stayed quiet, seeking to think over his words earnestly before he responded. It set Izuku at ease, just a touch, knowing that his teacher was taking this seriously but also wasn't just calling Hound Dog to pass him off. Like maybe Aizawa-Sensei cared.
"Yeah kid, I know what you mean," Aizawa-Sensei sighed eventually, sounding far too genuine. Izuku wasn’t sure he was ready to wonder what his teacher was thinking about, so instead he looked back out at the stars, trying his best to comprehend his own emotions, or lack there of. He spent so much time just floating around, existing physically, but not really being there in the moment. Not mentally and emotionally at least. He missed that, missed his emotions being so close at all times. He missed caring too. He knew he used to care so much more. He used to cry for everyone who had ever suffered, no matter how small, and now it just seemed like too much effort to care. It was easier to just let it slip past him. Maybe he was just all out of love for the rest of the world. Maybe he had used it all up to young, too eagerly, and it was all gone now. Maybe this was where it would end for Izuku, sooner or later. He didn't know, didn't quite care, but still, he had to ask for Aizawa-Sensei's thoughts.
"Am I past repair?"
"No kid, no," Aizawa-Sensei replied instantly, not seeming to need to think about it in the slightest, "You may be tired, you always care so much, and maybe that's a little exhausting. You may be tired of the quick repairs you put yourself through, you may be tired of struggling, but you're not broken, and you are certainly not beyond helping, I promise you that kid."
Izuku hummed half heartedly. He really didn't know what to think about all that, but it felt painfully accurate, like he was working so hard to do all those things that he didn't even think to stop to breathe for himself. He'd been using his meds as though they were some fix all, been using Recovery Girl's quirk and pretending the quick repairs would make it all go away, even though the injuries all left chronic pain. Maybe he was just broken at this point. Maybe Recovery Girl and medicine and all that wouldn't be enough to fix him. He didn't know. At least Aizawa-Sensei didn't think he was beyond help. That was a good sign.
They sat there for a long time in silence. They seemed to be doing a lot of that today, but Izuku couldn’t bring himself to mind in the slightest.
"Do you want to go inside now, kid?" Aizawa-Sensei asked gently, and finally, Izuku nodded, pushing himself up to his feet, dutifully ignoring the slight numbness from being in the same position for so long, and following his teacher back inside.
He took his meds when he got inside, before finally heading to bed. He honestly didn't care that much at this point, he just wanted to see if this stupid prescription he couldn’t pronounce would somehow make him happy. He supposed he could dream.