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It began, as all terrible things did, with a staff meeting.
Harry should have known something was wrong the moment he entered the staff room and saw that Minerva McGonagall was smiling. Not her usual tight, polite smile. This was a pleased smile. A progress smile. The sort of smile that meant innovation was about to happen.
Severus Snape was already seated, posture rigid, hands folded, staring into his tea as though it had personally betrayed him. Harry took the seat beside him out of habit.
“I sense doom,” Snape murmured without looking up.
“For once, I see where you’re coming from,” Harry whispered back.
McGonagall rose. The room quieted instantly.
“As part of our post-war educational restructuring,” she began crisply, “I have decided it is time for Hogwarts to involve the parents in the students’ education.”
The collective intake of breath from several professors was audible. Harry felt his stomach drop. Snape closed his eyes briefly, as though bracing for impact.
“We will be introducing,” McGonagall continued, with entirely too much satisfaction, “parent-teacher conferences.”
Silence. Absolute, suffocating silence.
Professor Sprout blinked. “You mean… they will come here?”
“Yes.”
“To speak to us?”
“Yes.”
“Voluntarily?”
“Also yes.” McGonagall’s smile sharpened. “You will all conduct individual meetings with the parents about their child’s grades and behavior. All except you, Severus—”
“Yessss!” Snape shot to his feet and gave a small, vicious fist pump before he turned to the others “Suck it losers. I shall be in my chambers enjoying the positive influences of the Muggle world… films. If you need me- don’t.”
He was halfway to the door when McGonagall stepped neatly into his path.
“As I was saying,” she continued coolly, “you will not be alone with the parents. I want you and Harry to conduct the conferences together. It will be beneficial for both of you. Professor Potter brings approachability. Professor Snape brings experience and academic authority.”
Harry crossed his arms. “With all due respect, just because I’m young doesn’t mean I need supervision.”
“This is not supervision,” McGonagall replied. “It is balance.”
Snape gave Harry a sidelong glance. “You do require supervision.”
“Oh, that’s rich coming from you.”
McGonagall pinched the bridge of her nose. “This is happening. The conferences are next Saturday. I expect professionalism.”
She dismissed them before either could argue further.
The following week was spent in escalating dread.
“It’ll be fine,” Harry insisted, pacing the Defence classroom while Snape graded essays with visible resentment. “We just tell them how their kid’s doing.”
Snape didn’t look up. “I categorically refuse to speak to certain parents.”
Harry paused. “Which ones?”
“…Yes,” Snape replied.
Harry resumed pacing. “Most parents will be normal.”
Snape stared at him.
“…Some parents,” Harry amended.
——-——————————
Mrs. Smith arrived in a cloud of expensive perfume and righteous energy.
Harry smiled politely. “Hello, Mrs. Smith. Your daughter is really talented, and I’m sure you’re already aware of that, seeing her grades-”
“Of course I am aware of it,” Mrs. Smith cut in sharply. “But don’t think I’m not aware of the injustice happening here.”
Harry blinked. “Sorry, what?”
“You are not awarding her talent and hard work with the recognition she deserves. She barely received any points from either of your lessons. So go on. Explain yourself.”
Harry clasped his hands. “Well, you see, as I was just about to explain, your daughter is… how do I put it-“
“Entitled, spoiled, annoying, arroga-“
Harry spoke loudly over Snape. “-very confident. What Professor Snape is trying to say is that Sara sometimes finds it difficult when expectations or decisions don’t align with what she prefers. We want to encourage her to understand that classroom rules apply to everyone equally.”
“She knows what I meant,” Snape said smoothly.
Mrs. Smith’s eyes narrowed. “Are you implying my Sara is at fault here?”
“Oh, now I see where she gets it from,” Snape stated. “Thank you,” Mrs. Smith said primly.
“That was not a compliment,” Snape muttered. “Severus!” Harry hissed under his breath. “What?” Snape whispered back. “You cannot tell me you don’t see the similarities. It is uncanny how their eyes twitch in the exact same way when they’re told no. Clearly, there is more than one spoiled brat in the family.”
“Ohhh, now I see it,” Harry exclaimed before he could stop himself.
“Excuse me?” Mrs. Smith snapped. Harry straightened immediately. “What my colleague and I were trying to say is… you… look very alike?”
Snape leaned over to Harry and whispered “Good save.”
“You do realize I can still hear you, right” they both froze. “This is unbelievable. This is discrimination! I will be speaking to the Headmistress about this.”
She stormed out, slamming the door so hard a portrait rattled off-center.
Harry slowly turned to Snape.
“What?” Snape asked. “You saw it too.”
——————————-
The next set of parents looked deeply confused from the moment they sat down.
“So that’s about everything we have to say about Adam,” Harry concluded carefully. “Any questions?”
“Yes,” the mother said. “What exactly are Potions and Defence lessons? And what about math? English?”
Harry blinked. “Well, Defence Against the Dark Arts-”
“Excuse me. Defence against what?”
“Against the Dark Arts,” Harry repeated. “It’s mostly precautionary. I teach the children spells to defend themselves, not just from Dark magic, but from any kind of attack. Of course we hope they never have to use it, but it’s important.”
“That does sound rather dangerous,” the father said slowly.
“I promise you it’s perfectly safe. It’s basically self-defence magic.”
They nodded, only marginally reassured.
“And Potions?” the mother asked.
“Potions class is… well, like in films and books. We brew liquids for various purposes, healing different illnesses and things like that.”
“That’s nice. So nothing dangerous, right?”
“Yeahhhh. It’s mostly safe.”
“Mostly?” the father repeated. “Is it safe or not?” Harry forced a smile. “It’s… why don’t you answer, Severus? It is your subject, after all.” Snape straightened. “Very well. Potions is more than just a subject, it is an art. There is no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in my class. I teach my students how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I show them how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death.”
The parents stared. “Right,” the mother said faintly. “That sounds… intense for an eleven-year-old. I’m not entirely convinced about the safe part.”
“Potions is perfectly safe,” Snape replied coolly, “if one can follow simple instructions. Though I can understand your concern regarding Adam. Which makes me wonder, is he partially deaf or merely incompetent?”
The father shot to his feet, face flushed.
“About math,” Harry rushed in desperately, “we don’t teach the usual Muggle subjects, but we do have History-wizarding history. It’s different from what you know, but similar in structure-”
The door shut rather firmly behind them.
Harry sighed.
———————-
The next conference featured a tall, sharp-faced wizard who radiated judgment.
“I understand,” the man began coolly, “that my son received a detention in Defence.”
“Yes,” Harry said calmly. “He attempted to duel another student during a practical lesson.”
“It was a theoretical disagreement.”
“With hexes,” Harry clarified.
Snape leaned forward slightly. “Your son displays talent. Unfortunately, he also displays recklessness.” The father’s eyes flicked to Snape. “And you are?”
“Professor Snape.”
There was a pause.
“…I had heard you were dead.”
“I was briefly unavailable,” Snape replied.
Harry choked on absolutely nothing.
The father blinked slowly. Snape continued, unfazed. “Your son’s potion exploded because he chose to ignore written instructions. I recommend addressing that habit before he attempts something larger.” The man looked like he wanted to argue.
Instead, he stood stiffly. “We will discuss it.”
When he left, Harry stared at Snape. “Briefly unavailable?”
————————
A witch in emerald robes sat down and immediately frowned at Harry.
“You look very young.”
“I am.”
“And you’re teaching my son.”
“Yes.”
She turned to Snape. “Is that wise?”
Snape clasped his hands together thoughtfully. “He does not possess higher education in the subject or, indeed, any formal qualifications. In fact, he did not even complete his schooling. However, his age has nothing to do with how unqualified he is.”
Harry elbowed him sharply under the table.
“OW,” Snape hissed.
“Was that really necessary?” Harry muttered.
“It was factual.”
The witch blinked. “So you agree he cannot teach my child?”
“Professor Potter,” Snape said smoothly, “successfully dismantled the most dangerous dark wizard in modern history. Everyone knows that.” Harry closed his eyes.
“Your son,” Snape continued calmly, “cannot dismantle a rock.”
The witch spluttered indignantly.
“So no,” Snape concluded. “I do not believe he can teach your son. I believe your son is a hopeless case.”
The door closed with chilling finality.
Harry stared at the wood for a long moment.
“I don’t even know what to say anymore.”
“Silence is often best,” Snape replied.
———————
They were summoned to McGonagall’s office at precisely six o’clock. She stood behind her desk, hands folded.
“Can you two explain to me why I have received not one, not two, but twenty-seven complaints about the two of you?”
Harry blinked. “That’s honestly better than I thought.” Snape nodded.
They exchanged a quick high-five.
McGonagall stared at them in a way that suggested she was reconsidering every life choice that had led to this moment.
“I will never leave you two alone with parents ever again.”
And thus, Hogwarts’ experiment with parental involvement came to a swift and merciful end.