Chapter Text
“Josh? What’re you doing?” Tyler called out down the hall, to no response.
He hadn't seen Josh since dinner, when the man had said something about going for a shower. Tyler had stayed on the couch, half asleep already. He hadn't slept well the previous few nights, and it was starting to catch up with him. At some point, he must have drifted off, because when he'd woken up, the sky was significantly darker, and Josh was still nowhere to be found.
He moved faster, a bad feeling forming in his stomach. There was no reason for it just yet, but his body seemed to know that something was wrong.
“Josh?” Tyler called again, reaching their bedroom door. He pushed open the door and froze.
The room was dark, all the lights switched off. The only light was the moonlight coming in through the half-open curtains. It bathed the room in a cold glow.
As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, Tyler could see a figure sitting on the side of the bed, staring out the window and trembling slightly.
He stepped into the doorway, hand flicking unconsciously to the light switch. As if he could sense it, Josh turned around.
“Don’t turn the lights on.” His voice was rough. “Please.”
Tyler stood in the doorway, fingers hovering over the light switch. He didn’t know what to do. Slowly, he lowered his hand and took a careful step into the room. The door clicked shut behind him as he tried to be as quiet as possible.
“Please.” Josh’s voice broke.
“I’m not gonna touch the lights, I promise.” He whispered cautiously. "How long have you been sitting here?"
Tyler moved slowly, so as not to startle the man. He stood in front of Josh for a moment, trying to see as much as he could in the dim light. He was still wearing his jeans and a thin, long-sleeved shirt. Tyler thought he could see tears glistening on his face, but not much else.
“Don’t look at me.” Josh hunched over, wrapping his arms tightly around himself. “Just go away.”
“Hey. I’m not leaving, okay?” Tyler lowered himself to the bed, the mattress dipping and pulling Josh closer. “Talk to me, love.”
“I can’t.” He sounded dangerously close to tears.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” Tyler kept his voice soft.
“Yes,” Josh choked out. “Please.”
“C’mere, I’ve got you.” He opened his arms and let Josh crawl into his lap, burying his face in Tyler’s chest. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”
Josh trembled against him, his body beginning to shake with violent sobs. He was cold, Tyler could feel it through the thin material.
He remained steady, holding him tight and rubbing his back firmly. It was jarring to see Josh like this when it was usually the other way around. It was always Tyler who would break down in Josh’s arms. He thought he could probably imagine what might be happening in Josh’s head right now.
“Hey, I’m right here. Not going anywhere, okay?” He pressed patterns into Josh’s back, as soothing as he could possibly be. “I love you.”
“‘M sorry!” Josh cried out, muffled by Tyler’s hoodie. “Didn’t mean to…”
“Shh, it’s okay. What happened?” He coaxed gently, trying to not push too hard or cross any boundaries. “You can talk to me, Josh.”
“Ty, you don’t… You don’t get it.” He mumbled, sniffling. “Well… maybe you do. You probably get it more than anyone.”
“What’re you talking about, darling?” Anxiety was building in his chest as the pieces started to fall into place.
“I can’t tell you.”
Josh shifted slightly and allowed Tyler to pull his arm away from his body. Carefully, he ran his fingers down the sleeve, feeling something odd beneath the fabric. Something thicker that shouldn’t be there.
“Josh…” he whispered. “May I?”
He tapped his fingers to Josh’s sleeve, not wanting to move before he was ready. The man nodded silently.
Tyler carefully rolled up the sleeve, cold moonlight shining on layers of bandages tied tightly around his wrist. Patches of blood had soaked through them.
“Oh… Josh, sweetheart…” Tyler tried to compose himself, taking a shaky breath. His own issues were not important right now. “Hey. It’s alright, thank you for letting me see. I’m going to help you.”
Josh sniffled, pressing his head into Tyler’s chest. At the very least, his sobs had faded out, reduced to trembling breaths.
“Do you think you can have a shower?” He asked gently, trying to be as calm as possible. Josh shook his head into Tyler’s chest.
“That’s okay. How about a change of clothes, at least? It’s cold tonight.”
“Okay.” Josh’s voice came out impossibly small, shaking around the single word. But Tyler was proud that he’d managed to say anything at all.
“Alright. Let’s go into the bathroom, okay? I’m gonna redo these bandages.” Josh opened his mouth to protest, only a small whimper coming out.
“Please trust me on this. I know how to help.” Tyler couldn’t keep the sadness from seeping into his voice as he said so.
Josh nodded, swinging his legs off the bed. Tyler stood, looping an arm around his best friend and helping him stand on shaky legs.
“I’ve got you.”
They made it to the bathroom, Josh crumpling to the tiled floor with a sob. He leaned against the wall, red-rimmed eyes peering out nervously.
“Can you take your shirt off for me?”
When Josh let out a harsh cry of frustration, Tyler made a mental note of what this incident might be about.
“C’mon, Josh, you know how I feel about it. I just want to help you.”
The man nodded stiffly and shakily pulled the shirt over his head, wincing as it brushed against his bandaged arm. He looked down at his chest, curling in on himself.
“Your arm, please?”
Tyler had grabbed a few things from the bathroom cabinet, a damp cloth and some bandages. He didn’t want to overwhelm Josh by trying to wash it, but he also didn’t want to let the injuries get infected.
Josh reached out, letting Tyler take his arm and place it on his knee.
“I’m going to take these bandages off, now.” He said clearly, wanting Josh to feel comfortable every step of the way.
He gingerly unwrapped the bandages, trying not to cause Josh any more pain than he was already feeling. He peeled them back slowly, cringing at the way they stuck to him.
The cuts underneath were jagged, crisscrossing over the pale skin of his forearm. Tyler swallowed, taking in the sight. The skin was inflamed, and blood had dried everywhere. This was clearly an emotional moment, nothing like the planned, precise injuries that Tyler was used to treating on himself.
“This might sting.” He warned, taking the damp cloth in his hand. Josh hummed dejectedly.
A soft gasp escaped him as Tyler began working, wiping away the dried blood. With each new swipe, Josh whimpered, taking in sharp breaths. It broke Tyler’s heart.
“I’m sorry.” Was all he could say, trying to right this terrible wrong.
The silence gave Tyler time to think, wondering about what could possibly have caused this. He thought back to how Josh hadn’t wanted his shirt off, and how uncomfortable he looked now, in only his binder. He wondered briefly if that could be it…
“Bandages now. Lift up your arm for me?” Josh did so, obediently.
Tyler gently wrapped clean bandages around his love’s arm, trying not to hurt him. Josh winced anyway.
When he’d finished, he tucked the bandage in neatly, and began to clean up the old, bloodstained bandages and cloth.
“Hey, Josh?” He knelt in front of him, locking their eyes. “Look at me. I’m going to go get you a change of clothes. I want you to stay right here, okay?”
Josh nodded, a tear dripping down his cheek. Tyler wiped it away gently with his thumb.
The bright electric lights in the bathroom showed far too much, from the tear streaks down Josh’s cheeks to the way his eyes changed when he looked up, distraught.
“I’ll be right back. I love you.”
Tyler hurried to their bedroom, grabbing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants from the closet. He briefly wondered if he should find a shirt too, but forgoing that idea for lack of time. He rushed back to the bathroom, relieved to find Josh still sitting there.
The relief faded quickly when he noticed the silent tears streaming down his face, and his noiseless gasps into his hands.
“Hey, hey, my love, it’s okay.” Tyler dropped to his knees, taking Josh’s face in his hands. “Shh, darling, what’s wrong?”
Josh shook his head roughly, rocking back and forward silently.
“Josh, come on, it’s okay to cry.” Tyler stroked his hair, one hand moving to squeeze his shoulder. “Please.”
“I-I… I can’t!” He cried out. “I’m sorry, Ty.”
“It’s okay. I know, I understand.” His voice was calm, despite the storm in his heart.
“Fuck.” Josh began screaming. “Fuck! Fuck, I hate this!”
Tyler moved closer, holding on to Josh’s shoulder as if it could possibly hold him together. He had no idea how to help. Josh shoved his hands away.
He lashed out, hitting Tyler roughly in the chest.
“Fuck you! You don’t know! You’ll never know!” His breathing was erratic, bordering on hyperventilation. “Fuck!”
Josh’s hands flew toward him again, fist connecting firmly with his shoulder.
Tyler rocked back on his heels, stunned by the whole encounter. Josh would never, ever hit him. Even yelling was far beyond a normal reaction for him.
“…Josh?” He whispered. “Breathe.”
“Stop it! Stop-stop being so normal!” He half screamed, half sobbed. “I can’t do this!”
“Yes, you can,” Tyler said quietly.
“Go away! I don’t want you to see me right now!” Josh cried. “I hate it! Hate me.”
“I don’t care. I love you.”
Josh sobbed.
“I love you no matter what. I know I don’t understand your experiences, but I want to.” He reached out cautiously, taking Josh’s hand. “If you ever want to tell me. I will always listen. I only want to help, sweetheart.”
He ran his thumb over Josh’s bruised knuckles, memorising the scars and marks on his hands.
“You don’t have to talk right now. But I think a change of clothes will do you good. Let me help?”
He nodded, slowly, and reached for the hoodie, but Tyler pulled back.
“Hey, binder off first.” Josh protested. “I need you to breathe. You were practically hyperventilating before. Please.”
Josh stared at him before reluctantly fumbling for the zipper. His fingers slipped, trembling too badly to hold on.
“Here, let me?” Tyler waited for the man to nod before unzipping it and pulling it off. Josh sighed deeply.
“I’m no expert, but I really do think you wear it too tight.” He added lightly, grabbing the hoodie. “Arms up.”
Josh raised his arms hesitantly, allowing Tyler to pull the hoodie over his head.
“Can you stand up? I’ll help you with the pants.” Josh nodded. “Okay. Hang on.”
Tyler stood, lifting Josh to his feet. He swayed a little, fingers gripping at Tyler’s shirt.
“Can you… help? Can you undo the button? I…I can’t…?”
“‘Course I can. Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Yes.” He breathed shakily. Tyler nodded.
He leaned in, carefully undoing the button, and looking at Josh for approval to continue. He nodded. Tyler undid the zipper and leaned down, pulling the skinny jeans off his legs. He knelt on the ground, helping Josh kick the pants over his feet.
Tyler grabbed the sweatpants, feeling Josh grab his shoulder for balance as he stepped into them one foot at a time. He stood, pulling the pants up around Josh’s waist.
“You okay?” Tyler noticed the way Josh blinked, slowly, and swayed back and forth.
“I’m fine. Dizzy.”
Unwanted thoughts of blood loss on cold tiles filled his head. He couldn’t help but imagine Josh doing this to himself, imagine how much blood had flowed from his veins before he patched himself up. Alone. God, Tyler would have done anything to stop Josh from feeling this way.
“How about we go lie down now?” Tyler said instead. “It’s late, and you need to rest.”
“Don’t wanna sleep,” Josh whispered. “Don’t…”
“Alright, alright. Tea?” He nodded. “Come on, let’s set up camp in the kitchen.”
Tyler wrapped an arm around his best friend, guiding him out of the bathroom. He’d clean up the mess tomorrow. Right now, all that mattered was Josh.