Chapter Text
Dear Suguru,
I haven't heard anything from you since that day, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm scared to. Leaving our future open-ended feels safer than the discomfort I'm sure closure will give. If I knew it would end like this, I'd have done so much more to prevent it. Now that we're apart, I understand there's nothing I could've done. There's nothing either of us could've done. Fate must run its course regardless of who it affects, and we simply got the short end of it.
I can't help but regret all the times I never said how much I needed you. Painfully, it's true. I need you more than I've needed anyone or anything in this world. Now, without you, it feels empty. It's not like you're gone, and I know that. It feels too final to be real. I know it will never be the same—at least not any time soon. That's the part that hurts the most. It feels like only weeks have passed since we were professing our love to each other late at night, hoping our connection would be recognized by the moon and stars themselves.
I can't help but regret all the times I never said how much I loved you. Yes, I've said it more times now than I can count, but with everything that's happened, it seems even that will never be enough. If I'd said it once more, I would've been satisfied. Now, the words feel foreign on my tongue. It feels too selfish to articulate without causing more harm. Much like how wishing you'd be able to come back unscathed and love me wholly after all of this is just a selfish desire of mine. It's a lofty wish, and I know as well as you do that can't happen—I worry we've broken apart, and I worry the rift is too large to repair this time.
In my perfect world, we would've worked. Me and you, you and me. Us. We were the strongest, together. Though, that word will never stop being ironic—together is how we began, and together is how we ended. Truthfully, I'd have had it no other way. For the numerous things I may apologise for in my life, I will never apologise for having loved you as I did. I'll never apologise for how many times you still cross my mind each day. Never for all the things I've felt, never for wanting you to be with me, and never for wanting to be with you.
One thing I would apologise for—if you'd accept my words—is hurting you. I know we didn't choose this, but I can only imagine how much you're hurting. That's the only thing I was able to think when I found out. We didn't choose this, but I don't want to see you hurt from something I played a part in. I also must apologise for not fighting harder, for not doing more to preserve what we created. With how it turned out, it felt like there was nothing I could do—and even that feels like an excuse. I'd wish I were able to pass over this and say fighting against it was useless, but that word does not do us justice.
I'm sorry most of all that we didn't have a choice. Maybe we did, and maybe I just don't know how to see it from where I'm standing. The more I think about it, I suppose we both had our own choices. That's what led us here, and there's no denying it now. It can't be reversed now that we've taken these steps, and I'm grasping at everything I can to see a good way out of this.
I hope I'm not driving you away further with my sorries, because I don't really know what to do now that you're gone. Turning to anyone else feels wrong when you've occupied my entire life for as long as you did. You filled all the gaps in me that I never knew existed, and for that reason among the innumerable others, I feel like it has to be you. But now that you're gone, I know all too well that it can't be you. Above all else, I would despise myself if, by making it you, I only brought you down further.
But there's just one thing that's undeniable: Telling you I still love you despite everything would be the plain truth. I know better than to make this worse by allowing my emotions to take over. Making another mess of this is something I'd like to avoid, but quite plainly, there's no mess to make anymore. That was ensured the moment I let you walk away. I cannot and will not blame you, because I walked away too. I curse myself for that every day, because you deserve so much more than my silence.
The impact you had on my life is irreversible. You'll always be a part of me, and again, I know this only serves myself, but I hope I can be part of you too until we can be one once more.
Selfishly devoted to you,
Satoru